What a ride since 12/21/12! Here it is the last day of 2012. Did you ever think we'd make it? I had my doubts sometimes when this date loomed far in the future. So 12/21 arrived for me with a sputter. I was like, WHAT?!? that's it?!? Yet gradually something began to lift and bloom in me until I was riding in a mild bliss. A large part of the bliss was I was super aware of what was missing, what was different during these holidays: NO DRAMA, NO OVERWHELM!! Just noticing that sent me into a mild ecstasy of gratitude. As I prepared for my trip to San Francisco, I was not plagued with fear about getting stressed out driving in the city, not being able to handle getting ready, not feeling at ease in crowds and so on. Almost my whole life, I have been buried with such concerns. What freedom to just get ready and go. No worries, no future negative fantasies, what a blast of joy, yummy. I was able to leave the silence of my peaceful, sunny deck after days of rain and busyness with only mild regret yet no fear I couldn't handle whatever would arise. Then we were off and the joy increased. I immediately got lost when we arrived yet I felt so calm and capable that I would find my way and I did. I had been afraid to book the journey at all not knowing how I would feel after 12/21. I was a little concerned with the idea of alignment with the Galactic center and earthquakes so I had to overcome that. Then I had to decide how long to stay and was wavering until the last minute. My intuition told me to stay two nights while my logical mind could find no reason to have that expense, no reason I would enjoy staying past seeing the ballet and our other planned activities. I went with my intuition and am I glad I did. (thanks Uschi.) I loved every minute of it. Our second day was spontaneously unplanned and each moment was delicious. I had wanted to go to Alcatraz as I loved the symbolism of leaving prison at the end of 2012. Turns out you have to book weeks in advance. I easily let that idea go and went with the flow. Ideas shifted moment to moment and we decided so peacefully together. We ended up walking across the Golden Gate Bridge as a sudden impulse. Under the bridge, my daughter spotted a pod of dolphins blessing us with their playful joy, jumping and splashing against the current. The views were awesome and to look up at the height of the bridge's supports created an expansive feeling. Yet I could barely look down and was flooded with compassion for all those who choose to jump (an average of one a week.) There are phones to offer support to anyone considering making such a tragic choice. I was moved to bathe the bridge in an aura of loving presence in support of anyone who might feel so lost and desperate. I felt waves of compassion sweep me to tears. I know that this is the greatest gift we can offer the world, our loving presence. I later realized that crossing the bridge is the more accurate symbol for me at the end of this monumental 2012. For me it is choosing again and again to cross the bridge from fear to love, returning to mySelf.
We continued to have such sweet experiences; getting a window table on the water with no wait, the best food I have eaten in years, a wonderful walk on the beach, finding the hotel in the dark and so on. It culminated with a giggly time at the make up counter of Saks Fifth Avenue as I treated myself to Minarto's loving ministrations. I haven't worn make up in over a decade yet it was so fun laughing with Minarto and trying on various products. The main joy came from the sense of connection with a previously unknown friend. An envelope of such love seemed to bathe our every step.
The only challenging moment was driving home when I was so tired I literally got lost for almost an hour and I lost my temper for a few minutes. Otherwise the entire experiences was a miniature Nirvana.
Yesterday was not easy as I came down from the high. As I often do, I thought that level of joy would never end yet quickly recognized how I had set myself up. My day was peaceful enough yet it is clear to me my many years of needing so much silence and solitude are coming to an end. I have gone through these paradigm shifts in my life enough times to recognize the signs. I am between periods in my life as tends to happen to me about every seven years. My old way of being is not fully compete and my new way has not yet fully arrived. I feel in no man's land. The feeling of absolute clarity and knowing is gone. I awoke today feeling very lonely, something I have not experienced in a long time. I felt overwhelmed with it. I recognized I could easily be swept away with a torrent of emotions. I wanted to reach outside myself for answers, even while knowing they will not be found there. I chose not to buy the fear. I am choosing in this moment to allow the pit of fear to be in my gut, to merely witness it without going into any story. I do not need to theorize about what it is or where it came from. I merely need to witness it, knowing this is what this moment's offering is to me. Yes, I mourn the loss of the joy yet must allow this too. I know it shall pass which is good news. Years ago I could have been easily trapped in the prison of such sticky emotions. Now I recognize it as energy in motion. My mentor Luis always says that what we as a civilization lack is emotional education. I share my story with the hopes of beginning to reverse that lack, as a token of our choice to cross the bridge to love, to remember our own unlimited nature.
(mid-afternoon) What a shift! I am sitting outside, freezing my butt off, enjoying communing with Gaia. I feel such peace and connection. I had a good cry with my beloved friend Karin and released my pent up grief and appreciation. I felt such waves of gratitude for all those that have and continue to support me, especially Ciela, Georg, Uschi, Karin, Karl and Irmgard. Amazing how quickly the tide of emotions can reverse.
My darlings, I wish you a wonderful celebration tonight for the feat of getting through 2012! I wish you each every blessing in the coming year. I celebrate our time together and am delighted you have chosen to join our little family of light. I send you such a huge hug and kiss.
We continued to have such sweet experiences; getting a window table on the water with no wait, the best food I have eaten in years, a wonderful walk on the beach, finding the hotel in the dark and so on. It culminated with a giggly time at the make up counter of Saks Fifth Avenue as I treated myself to Minarto's loving ministrations. I haven't worn make up in over a decade yet it was so fun laughing with Minarto and trying on various products. The main joy came from the sense of connection with a previously unknown friend. An envelope of such love seemed to bathe our every step.
The only challenging moment was driving home when I was so tired I literally got lost for almost an hour and I lost my temper for a few minutes. Otherwise the entire experiences was a miniature Nirvana.
Yesterday was not easy as I came down from the high. As I often do, I thought that level of joy would never end yet quickly recognized how I had set myself up. My day was peaceful enough yet it is clear to me my many years of needing so much silence and solitude are coming to an end. I have gone through these paradigm shifts in my life enough times to recognize the signs. I am between periods in my life as tends to happen to me about every seven years. My old way of being is not fully compete and my new way has not yet fully arrived. I feel in no man's land. The feeling of absolute clarity and knowing is gone. I awoke today feeling very lonely, something I have not experienced in a long time. I felt overwhelmed with it. I recognized I could easily be swept away with a torrent of emotions. I wanted to reach outside myself for answers, even while knowing they will not be found there. I chose not to buy the fear. I am choosing in this moment to allow the pit of fear to be in my gut, to merely witness it without going into any story. I do not need to theorize about what it is or where it came from. I merely need to witness it, knowing this is what this moment's offering is to me. Yes, I mourn the loss of the joy yet must allow this too. I know it shall pass which is good news. Years ago I could have been easily trapped in the prison of such sticky emotions. Now I recognize it as energy in motion. My mentor Luis always says that what we as a civilization lack is emotional education. I share my story with the hopes of beginning to reverse that lack, as a token of our choice to cross the bridge to love, to remember our own unlimited nature.
(mid-afternoon) What a shift! I am sitting outside, freezing my butt off, enjoying communing with Gaia. I feel such peace and connection. I had a good cry with my beloved friend Karin and released my pent up grief and appreciation. I felt such waves of gratitude for all those that have and continue to support me, especially Ciela, Georg, Uschi, Karin, Karl and Irmgard. Amazing how quickly the tide of emotions can reverse.
My darlings, I wish you a wonderful celebration tonight for the feat of getting through 2012! I wish you each every blessing in the coming year. I celebrate our time together and am delighted you have chosen to join our little family of light. I send you such a huge hug and kiss.
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