Tuesday, March 27, 2012



Yesterday I met an ongoing challenge with incredible grace. I am waiting to see if the committee for the Nobel Peace Prize will contact me. My ability to overcome what has been such a huge obstacle for me, one which has caused so much pain and separation, so much heart break, has opened a huge doorway in my heart. Yesterday was a day of grace. Unexpected words of love flowed from me to strangers, distant acquaintance, friends. I KNEW Myself. It can not be described in words yet perhaps these passages from Rumi and Hafiz can begin to touch that place.

"Deafened by the voice of desire

you are unaware the Beloved

lives in the core of your heart.

Stop the noise and you will hear

His voice in the silence.."

...my beloved grows
right out of my own heart
how much more union can there be

Thursday, March 22, 2012

a case of lost identity

I feel like I have been in a quandary that reminds me of the one that I started this blog with when I kept losing my keys enough times that I finally had an “ah ha” moment- thank you Oprah- and recognized the Universe was trying to get my attention. Exactly a week ago the Universe was trying to nudge me awake again. In a intense downpour, after days of relentless rain, I lost all my credit cards, identification, AAA card. I was calm at first as I retraced my steps yet quickly slipped into major upset when my efforts went to no avail. The bank said they could not use my face as identification and thus could not give me money. They admitted a replacement card could take quite awhile. I was frustrated, annoyed, yet worse, I became increasingly hopeless. This seeming relatively insignificant event triggered me into full on despair. I was done with everything- life, ascension, trying, seeking, effort. I began spiraling quickly into ever increasing darkness. Being the brilliantly trained Cellular Memory Release Facilitator, I knew and remembered enough to fully allow the despair, yet  did so more out of the feeling I had no other choice than any real hope anything would shift. Despite years of training and numerous examples personally and professionally, I entered despair with no hope of release, no sense it would end. Honestly, at that point I didn’t give a %$%&$^^&*$#@@#%$&* I called a friend and she listened with attention to my tail of woe (thank you Karin). Believe me when I tell you it was extremely physically uncomfortable; a feeling of intense heaviness, like I had tar for blood, swimming in a miasma of slime. I slept poorly, woke up late yet at the last minute dragged myself to my other Way of Mastery group. I am guessing my energy was a cesspool sucking the air out of the room. Yet finally a wise woman (thank you Colleen) penetrated my fog. She addresses me and said she heard me saying over and over “I...” I did this, I did that. Her focus lately is noticing the illusionary quality of this “I”, it’s lack of substance and reality. I feel her spaciousness and liberation yet have not personally fully grasped this Truth she is referring to. What caught my attention is her words spotlighted the fact that I was blaming myself for getting upset. The Way of Mastery and the Course in Miracles both constantly wake us up to the fact that we are always at choice, that we are responsible for creating our reality. Here’s how I was unconsciously hearing this- you are to blame for making poor choices, it is your fault you created this mess. If you weren’t such an idiot, you wouldn’t have gotten flipped out. Other times you don’t get upset, why did you crucify yourself this time? etc, etc. So it sunk in a bit, my energy lifted and my day brightened but I wasn’t done. The next day I was talking to another friend about it. Despite endless searching for my identification and credit cards, nothing had turned up and I was facing the laborious process of replacing them and changing all the accounts I have linked to them. It is a task I never completed, switching things from the wasband’s information and settings of these accounts, to my own. It is something I avoid like the plague because of the anxiety it stirs up in me, pushing on my “you’re not very functional in the world in a lot of ways, sweetheart” identity (note the sarcasm). So I was trying to avoid anything that would sink me back into my pity party and everything my friend and I tried to discuss was a button stirring up irritation. I kept saying, I don’t want to talk about that, not that either, nope, not that. Luckily my friend has the patience of a saint and choose not to throw the phone at me or accidentally on purpose hang up. (thank you Uschi). Now mind you this was international rates I am moaning on. Perhaps that was just the motivation I needed to cut to the chase. I was tired of myself, not a fun feeling. I wanted to give that witchy part a big shove and hope she’d just fly off on her broomstick never to return. I was tired of being a four on the enneagram (a wonderful system of understanding basic personality structures, I felt like the guy that wrote the first book I read about it must sleep under my bed because he was describing me to a tee and seemed to know me better than anyone else, including myself)- I wanted to switch to the happy go lucky seven on the enneagram. I was bah humbugging all over the place, pissy (the dictionary says there is no such word, but I’m sorry hissy just doesn’t cut it.) with myself when suddenly I got a huge wave of awareness washing over me. It shut my mouth, stopped me in my tracks, pulled the rug out from under me, you name it, that was it. Is anybody else having major paradigm shifts like every other week? It’s enough to make a girl dizzy. It tried to flit away yet the second the awareness dropped in it was like a huge cloud of guilt and blame lifted off of me. No wonder I felt light headed- that guilt weighs a ton! My wise friend suggested I hang up immediately and jot the awareness down before it escaped me totally. So I did that and I will copy the notes I took below. Be forewarned- revelation is always personal and so this will probably inspire you as much as a wet noodle but hey, maybe I can transfer some of the release to one or two of you. (Plus do you notice how much fun I am having with BOLD AND ( ) BIG FUN) So hang on to your hats, here it comes:

Forgetting (Who we are) is innocent- no one is to blame, forgetting has consequences, no blame, just consequences, we prefer to remember, ok to forget, shame to think at fault, only function to see innocence, ok either way forget- creates, remembering creates, no blame, question of identity- do I remember?, different consequences come from remembering or not!

Anybody reach instant nirvana with those inspiring words? Oh well, where there is life, there is hope. So I can’t put into words what this did for me, but I’ll give it a quick try- quick because my daughter’s tutoring is done in a few minutes and then I have to sail off.

Well, turns out I already said it, it released me from a sh*t load of guilt and blame. Turns out I blame myself for failure, for forgetting, for making poor choices, for being overweight, for not flowing from Love 24/7, hey, probably for the world situation. Definitely a heavy load- makes me wonder if my weight will shift with this. As a little aside, lucky I know about projection or I’d be blaming my health coach for all kinds of things, instead I took the blame myself. Another layer of judgment peels off- I wonder HOW many more layers there are. Yea, I’m all over the place with this one but spring has sprung so who can blame me- hey, I’m not going to blame myself- hehe. Yup, I am feeling giddy. Probably the release of toxic guilt.
Anyway so it turns out I have been suffering from a a case of mistaken identity. I just forgot who I am, who you are. The Universe sure likes to play these games with us. No big deal. Luckily my identification was lost so I could find my true Identity. 

This just in: A fourth grader named Flint has just nailed all of our Identities.
I just read his letter written to thank a weatherman for a visit to the school. This kid inspires me and gives me hope- the link to the whole letter is below.I agree with Flint’s words, we are all "... more awesome than a monkey wearing a tuxedo made out [of] bacon riding a cyborg unicorn,"


P.S. After canceling all my credit cards, which forced me to change all my accounts into my name, the task I had been avoiding so strenuously, I found everything including my identification- ho, ho, life is soooo funny.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Happy first day of Spring


I wish you a wonderful opening with the first day of spring. I sense a new energy in the air. Somehow things seem easier and lighter, if only for today. Yet I have the feeling something new and good is beginning to bud. Enjoy!
love, savannah

Friday, March 16, 2012

inspiring true stories

My wasband warns me that when I don't take the time to craft my blogs, they do not read very well. So I use to be worried that if I post something quickly that is not well written, which is often the case lately, I may lose new readers who are turned off by my poorly constructed words. It is with a great sense of glee I release that judgment and say, c'est la vie. I want to share these stories that I wrote down super quickly. Be forewarned, if your eyes can't handle less than stellar writing- look no further!! your eyes could be damaged irrevocably!!

Two stories of using love to make change. Long story short- guy buys land to do organic farming. Finds out he is surrounded by uzi toting drug lords who threaten him and his family, even driving a motorcycle into their living room. He and his family BAKE THEM COOKIES and they start getting along- do you love it!

Second- guy sees a man trying to rape a woman, asks him if he can help him- the rapist who then pulls a knife on the guy who calmly asks again if he can help him. Woman gets away and rapist runs off- guy follows him and invites him to his house for a meal!! Rapist comes, calms down and turns himself around.

OK., last inspiring story. Guy rides the wave of the tsunami all the way in and lands back at his hotel- love this as a metaphor- kids we've got to ride the waves, no matter how high they get. I am hearing a lot is coming down for people in the last day- definitely some big energy- hang in there my loves.

Shaping our lives to avoid a certain pain


I just was directed to a wonderful post that talks about one of the main realizations I have come to recently- how much of my life has been shaped by trying to avoid any situation or person that creates anxiety in me. In a very real way, I have dedicated my life to anxiety- YIKEES!!!! Yet what a nice confirmation that my awareness is expanding in a beneficial direction. I hope you will find it useful too. Beloveds, I am sending you extra light today as we bump and grind our way to the Equinox. I have read that we are in an extraordinary healing process. Do your best to enjoy the ride- pain and all! Huge global hug, savannah


A radio show on a related topic, making one's pain sacred. I also found it useful- it is an hour long. Nothing new for me yet is a good reminder. One critical point that to me is absolutelycrucial- do not be ashamed of your pain, do not blame yourself, do not judge yourself. The pain is a teacher- where and why it comes isn't really important. What is important is how we respond to the pain- with openness and allowance or with fear, blame and judgment? That choice will change your life, for better or for worse.


Thursday, March 15, 2012

liberation through releasing judgment

I keep reading that these kick ass energies are serving us but for me the jury was still out until last week. I know I have probably written that before but this time I am really hoping my faith and trust stick because what occurred involved another major paradigm shift and an extraordinary experience of liberation and peace. It iinvolvest judgment and freedom.
A situation unfolded that created a rage that threaten to blow off the top of my head followed by a cold fury. I’d love to share the details but for the privacy of others, must withhold the details which probably wouldn’t really make sense to you anyway- why it evoked such wrath in me. Suffice it to say it did. So the judgment felt like a runaway train hurling through me, like an unstoppable force. I felt like I was being shoved and the pressure within me felt like I’d burst like a thin skinned balloon. It was BAD. Yet two days earlier at my Way of MAstery class I had realized a deep Truth, that to judge myself, to see an error within was to throw me out of love, out of the “kingdom”, out of my most heart felt desire, but always!! The pressure in my body was enough to ring a wake up bell and I stopped in my tracks. I was literally in the midst of facilitating a group so I had to function at the same time. I had so many awarenesses on so many level but through my turmoil came a message, loud and clear. I got it! If I judged this person, this situation, no matter how outrageous it seemed, no matter how unfair, I would lose the Truth, lose the remembrance of my own Identity. And I no longer can afford to do that because when I make that choice, I ALWAYS end up in a lot of pain. Especially on this day with the energy of the full moon and intense solar flares, to add any more pressure and pain felt like it would send me right over the edge. So I made a different choice. With every ounce of courage, of grace, of will, of desire, I made the decision to let go of judgment, to let go of believing I understood why the person was doing what they were doing., I decided to see them as INNOCENT. Now I know that in order to do so, I had to join with the Mystery, with a force greater than my little ego. It wasn't something I could force or control. This probably sounds like mumbo jumbo and it is, until one has the direct experience. All my words are written with the desire to point you to your own direct experience. Perhaps you can take some of it on faith yet it still will not really sink in until your personal experience tells you it is valid.
So, back to this situation. We ended up talking in the group about what was occurring. Some people had judgment, some wanted to chastise the person, some were curious, some were concerned and compassionate. I opened a dialogue to wonder and explore our individual reactions. Yet to stay out of judgment, out of believing I knew what this meant, that I knew the person’s motivations, that I knew what SHOULD be happening, how the person SHOULD behave- wow, it felt like my eyeballs were rolling in my head to be willing to see this differently, to see this as a neutral event. I felt shaken to my core. I swear it felt like my cellular structure was transforming in the moment. It was NOT comfortable to say the least. I managed to stay out of blame for hours yet later had an adverse reaction, seemingly out of nowhere, to blow off the accumulated steam. My hope is by describing my response, it may make it easier for you to make a different choice when you are faced with an experience you feel you must judge. To be honest, despite having investigated judgment both professionally and personally for almost two decades, I never really understood the cost, how it limits my freedom, my sense of spaciousness, my ability to love. Yet I get it now and am like a bulldog on a pork chop, hanging on for dear life to this understanding. 
Two days later I was chewing on something someone had said to me, about how I can sometimes hold others responsible for how I feel. I was exploring the relative truth of that statement. Here are some things I wrote, without editing, to explore these topics. 
I knew something big was brewing inside- I feel like I just released a ton of goo. To be honest, the last days I was feeling very done with ascension.. I was ready to quit if I was given a choice- not really, but it felt like that on a fairly deep level even though I know I will never quit. Anyway, I was feeling tired of the physical and emotional strain. I woke up at 7 am very stirred up. Then I reviewed my lesson from A Course in Miracles about freedom and knowing Who we are to be released from prison. I fell into a deep and profound sleep. My daughter woke me up at 11:30 to take her to the stables- she too had just woken up. I feel like we were Sleeping Beauty waking up from enchantment.  What I woke up KNOWING beyond the level of thought was that all events are neutral. I saw clearly that when I could not control my environment to minimize anxiety, I judge and, hold your hats- become my father- the person I judge most in the world for his constant rage and the terror he evoked in me. My gut is clenching as I write this, tears- how can I not forgive my father when I do the same thing when I feel out of control, feel extremely anxious. I do not act it out as my father did, yet inside I feel ice cold and judgmental. I usually do not say a word yet I am sure my energy speaks volume’s. I have blamed others for stressing me out when I am already anxious, for not cooperating, for not being grateful. I knew I became my father under stress, controlling and commanding, yet I did not see all clearly. I did not see how I blamed others for acting like my DAD when REALLY I blamed them for pushing me into a space where my old wounds had ME acting like my Dad- not sure if this is clear writing but it is clear to me. So I got that all event are neutral- pure Course and Mastery the language I speak until I place an evaluation on them and that evaluation ALWAYS kicks me out of the kingdom of Love and joy. And I get how harmful and hurtful judgment feels when it is directed to me so I know my judgment hurts others whether I speak it out or not.. I SEE absolutely clearly that it is MY JUDGMENT that is the only thing that can keep me out of the “kingdom of heaven.” As the Course say, I have been doing it to myself all along and I hold the key to the prison door. The implications are staggering and I am still reeling, for the Truth shall set you free, and it has. 
Within days I had another lovely teaching moment- doing taxes when all tax records were scattered hither and yon after the chaos of the last years, possibly to never be recovered. Add in a few more ingredients and again, this would have sent me to the moon even a few weeks ago. The person supposedly assisting me in doing the taxes was not in a good space, very anxious and edgy which use to trigger irritation and judgment because it often pushed me into my own anxiety. I have come to realize that the source of most of my judgment is any person or situation that triggers anxiety in me- my arch nemesis and greatest teacher. Yet in this situation, when I felt panic arise in me and threaten to sweep me away, I chose to breath deeply, to refuse to judge, to place peace and allowance above the goal of getting the taxes done. So instead we had something to eat and drink until a smidgeon of tranquility could be restored. The feelings of love and acceptance emanating from that situation are still reverberating today.
So the teachings I follow are accurate- they in fact are helping me dissolve all the obstacles to love within. The feelings of freedom after these judgments dissipate are not describable with words. For me the unraveling is continuing fairly rapidly. After a few months break, it seems I have the opportunity to either buy a problem or not four or five times a week. A seemingly major upset arises without apparent resolution. If I resist, curse, judge, complain, the problem expands. If I affirm a positive outcome, feel as though resolution is only a matter of time, remain cheerful and open, not only does the problem get resolved, it usually does so joyfully. I have had so many people willing and seemingly happily supporting me in finding resolution. For months it was always women who were helping me. Lately it has been men- helping me resolve my propane problem, some car challenges, tax issues, challenges around the house etc. It feels like the world is at my command, awaiting my open sesame. I remember hearing myself say a year ago that I did not feel supported. I then made a conscious choice to speak and feel differently about being supported and man oh man, has that turned around. These wacky energies still kick my butt although my mentor Jan assured me last night that it is kindly forces hurrying through the “unraveling” of releasing ego as quickly as possible. She swears it is a good thing but for now I will have to take that on faith. I seldom know whether I am coming or going, yet I know one thing for sure. My most heartfelt desire is to embody love, to be love, to live love. And I know for sure all of this is moving me in that direction so I will say YES!
Hours later and all my credit cards and identification disappeared in a bizarre way. I am again finished with unraveling, ascension whatever. Again I feel despair. I feel bipolar, up then down. Yet I see it as my gift to share the truth of what I experience- so this is what is so in this moment. Again, despite what I just wrote, I want to quit the whole game.
Next day: O.K., definitely feeling bi-polar again but it seems to be the name of the game. All of the eight people in my group today were having the same volatility. From clarity and joy to despair and anguish in 30 seconds flat- just seems to be what is up. Now I feel more or less normal and wonder why I was so freaked out yesterday. Here is a very encouraging blog that explains some of what is going on.
Hang in there, my dears, this too shall pass...

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

full moon


The fur is flying- solar flares, full moon, equinox energies building, etc. I sure feel it in my body yet for the first time I was able to NOT label it as anxiety even though it FEELS like anxiety. Wow, that really makes a difference. It still feels uncomfortable but then I am not afraid of it. Epsom salt or sea salt baths with lavender oil or bath salts, a lit candle and the moon through the window help me mitigate these energies.

So much energy is moving through me I can't articulate clearly. Yet I want you to know I am sending out love waves. I hope you feel them. To help those of you who may not feel it strongly, I want you to put your fingers on your keyboard across the letters I- l-o-v-e. I wanted to add you but my fingers couldn't pull it off. Place your fingers on those keys and know that you are lovable, loving and loved. See you on the other side of these energies. Know that they are clearing us of what no longer serves us. No fear.

Friday, March 2, 2012

I AND MY FATHER ARE ONE- in celebration

A year ago today my marriage ended. On March 1, 2011 my will to live was very weak. I felt defeated and sometimes hopeless, confused and frightened. It was one of the worst days of my life. Yet I had the intuition to call someone I had met a few months before. He told me he did not work with people privately any more yet he would check in with the “Holy Spirit” about working with me to support me in the “unraveling” a term from Way of Mastery. He is a teacher of The Way of Mastery and The Course in Miracles for many decades. Unraveling refers to the dissolution of the ego and return to our original nature as Divine. I called him in despair, absolutely at the end of my strength and he answered the phone (a very rare event) and spoke to me for hours, without an appointment and with no mention of financial renumeration. He told me I had to surrender this, to a power great than my little ego. His words and presence sunk in (Karl, thank you from the depths of my heart) and I deeply surrendered, open to listening, to being directed regarding what I should do about my 23 1/2 year dissolving relationship. I woke up crystal clear my marriage was over, something that my husband had realized before I did. Yet now I could begin to take action with clarity. What followed were some extremely difficult days, weeks and months. What also followed was liberation. I had been a slave to external circumstances, so afraid that something, someone outside myself was what my life, my well being depended on. Not a good way to be at peace, to feel free. Yet I had no idea how much that dependency had cost me until I let it go. Now, a year later I experience my center within, I know a quiet joy and frequent deep peace. I am connected more and more to a Source way beyond my puny ego- a Source that makes my words for this year accurate- limitless power dancing unity. I am sitting on my deck, the sun is warming my feet with its burning rays, the birds singing their joyous song, the trees standing in silent support. 
Yet if I am honest, I have to admit there is still periodic doubt and resistance. This played out very tellingly in the last few days. The first was my on going battle with a cell phone company. After three months of not resolving my challenge, I was pissed. I had a number of problems come up in the last week, yet I gracefully surrendered them, trusting they would resolve and they did. Not with the cell phone issue- one time after another I was given inaccurate and very time consuming misinformation. I called already on edge, my stomach clenching, trying for maybe the eight time to resolve the situation. I was again told I’d been given wrong information that had led me to waste time spinning my wheels without resolution. My blood pressure sky rocketed and my stomach heaved. I was about to go supersonic. Luckily I got put on hold. I asked myself how I imagined my current negative thinking and angry energy would play out. I had had a horrible day the day before after getting the run around from the cell phone company. It had affected my whole day very negatively. It was clear my resistance and frustration weren’t getting results. I was able to calm down, declare I would resolve the problem on this call and all would be well. Sure enough, the man, Chris, got back on the line, said he was sorry, he was wrong and my information was correct and we quickly worked it out. Alleluia! More importantly, I really got how quickly my thoughts and feelings create my current reality. Lesson well learned until the next day. My daughter and I were again going toe to toe about homework. Again, blood pressure through the roof, stomach in knots but I caught it more quickly. I went to the kitchen to get a drink and deep breath. I sincerely surrendered to a power greater than myself, to the Mystery that I know is infallible, to the knowledge in the words of Way of Mastery “I and my Father are One.” In other words, my little ego would never resolve this yet by surrendering to my own limitless power, my connection to Divine Intelligence, nothing is impossible. I came back in the room, we made a joke, the energy shifted, the homework got done and more importantly peace and love were restored after anger, frustration and blame.
I have no clue how many more times I will have to play the control game, were I think I have all the answers and try to impose them on the Universe, but I hope not too many more. You’d think after all the miracles and synchronicity I have experienced, I’d remember more quickly not to try to use my ego to power through my life, dictating how things must be; you’d think I’d be a bit more trusting. But hey, I’m doing the best that I can. Tonight I will celebrate the shift from despairing, limp noodle a year ago to empowered, sometimes awake woman. Wherever you are, I’d be glad if you’d join me in raising your glass, toasting the certainty of our own Identity as all powerful, wise and Infinite- that is Who we all are and I, for one, intend and desire to remember this Truth.

P.S. If you are like many people, you may be turned off by Christian language and terms such as "Holy Spirit" used in these teachings. Try to reinterpret the language so it works for you. Use Universe, Higher Self, Divine Love intelligence, whatever feels appropriate for your view of the Mystery. I know it creeped me out for a long time, given my Catholic upbringing which was less than always beneficial. I encourage you to use any term that feels comfortable for you.