Thursday, February 28, 2013

good information on what has been going on this February

Just got this information from my friend Kathleen's newsletter. I found it explained so much and helps me clarigy the huge transformation I am undergoing. May it also help you.
love and kisses

From the astrologer Pat Liles on the Aquarius New Moon February 9/10th - depending on your time zone:  “The New Moon may hold the opportunity of revealing any blockages to our continued evolution, and release may not come until we are fully in the watery, Full Moon presence of Pisces facilitating our surrender (painful/enlightening).  The Nodes are on the degree that began the last eclipse period right before the big turn of energy at Winter Solstice – this is a key point being reactivated for release.  We are bringing up for healing what has lain unconscious for lifetimes.  It’s like a cosmic buy-back program, but all we have to do is release to the light what has lain unforgiving in the dark.  If we want to evolve our consciousness, which believe me we do-above all else, then we must utilize every opportunity for forgiving and letting go of what has gone before.  All victimhood and us/them thinking has no ticket on the train of evolution.  Power lies in our ability to make choices.”

and another useful site and explanation of February, I won't be sad to see the back side of this month:

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

lost and found

Rereading this poem as I was feeling so lost helped me find myself again. May it do the same for you.

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you,
If you leave it you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.
~ David Wagoner ~

diving into the depths

A lot of people I have been speaking with have been extremely challenged, as in surreal lala crazy land. Some are doing quite well and finding inner freedom. Yet the intensity is unprecedented in some ways. Just when I thought I'd seen and felt it all, I was dropped into a void of emptiness, of meaningless, of hopelessness. It felt as though nothing could reach me, as nothing could touch me. I can not really put it into words yet it felt endless, life in prison with no possibility of parole. I felt unable to hold or shift the energy, as though I was locked into a padded cell and would never be set free. I did my best to allow, to pray, to intend and nothing moved. I felt absolutely helpless and out of control. I had no faith in my life, the Universe, God, nothing.

I am slowly coming out of the pit. I was so desperate I did a number of things differently hoping something would help. I went to the movies on a weekday afternoon, I went to my Temple group when I wanted to stay curled up in a ball, I took naps when I couldn't take another step (I haven't napped in decades.) I tried Zumba and Pilates exercise classes. I commented on TWYH website. I pet my cat and bunny, sat outside in the quiet, hugged my favorite tree. Nothing seemed to make the slightest difference yet I stayed with it and got productive, making calls, tying up lose ends, starting to get my Continuing Education Units. Finally yesterday the energy began to shift and my back relaxed. It has been in bone crunching mode for weeks off and on. 

One of the worst parts of the experience is how I unconsciously blamed and hated myself for falling back in the pit. I could see no redeeming value to my suffering and felt screwed by the Universe and no longer interested in Ascension, enlightenment or any other 5th dimensional crap. I was DONE DONE DONE!!! I just didn't care anymore and nothing penetrated by gloom. Scary!!! Actually a few things did penetrate, the concern of total strangers on the internet, my daughter's loving, my wasband's kindness made a little blip in the oblivion. My dear friend Karin's willingness to come up and visit (an hour drive) with a moment's notice was perhaps the final push that began to shift the tide. I finally can breath again and see the value of this experience, see how it forced me to grow and expand, brought me to my knees in humbleness thus reducing my arrogant spiritual ego that loves to be better than others cause I am just soooo spiritual. My level of appreciation for the smallest gesture of kindness was huge. 

Now a friend called me this morning in rage and despair. I felt weak and unable to provide much support yet did my best to envelope her in love. I felt a deep compassion with zero of my former arrogance. I am still shaken yet I feel myself slowly ground into the Earth and regain a smidgeon of faith that this is to some purpose. My loves, I send you a wave of love and support. May you find and hold inner ground. May the road rise up to meet you in these interesting times. May you know how deeply you are loved.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

let the miracles begin

In the last days I have felt an intense loneliness and desire to end my years of self imposed isolation. I knew I need to heal my co-dependency and external seeking and perhaps went overboard.Yet every time I attempted to end my solitude, it would work briefly before I'd be slammed by the next wave of energy that demanded my full attention. Over the last few weeks, the urge to end the isolation has increased. I hunger for community and I want it local!! It feels like I am so done with sitting at home I could scream. I am making changes and taking steps yet the pressure builds. I know it is a tricky line between seeking outside for answers and merely knowing what works for me. I was so strict to end my previous emptiness that I would do nothing that smacked in any way of need. Now I am acknowledging my desire for connection and community and beginong to place my attention on that intention. Let's see what develops cause I am soooo ready for actively focusing on my life purpose and just hanging out with friends, bloody enjoying life! Why not, enough with the too serious ascension, time to play. I am placing my thoughts and intent on creating a life that feels good and is filled with connection, Let the miracles begin.

Later the same day. Everyone I spoke to in more detail today was feeling very similar to me, lonely, isolated, unable to stay home. Seems like some sh*t is hitting the fan, solar flares?!?!? Something is cooking and smells like it is me and my fellow humans. I sure hope we're close to being fully cooked. Not enjoying this ride yet glad I am not alone. Smooth sailing my loves. This too shall pass. Finally doing my best to allow and surrender as the pressure is too great to do anything else. Had a few moments of relief as I enjoyed the sunlight on my table flowers and planets. Otherwise, still in the soup. Hang in there, friends.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

different time lines and self love

I have been following some of the comments on and I am aware that each of us is on a different timelines in terms of our journey of Remembrance. Anxiety and abandonment issues forced me on the train fairly early. I was not a happy camper. Then things intensified BIG TIME in 2009. I only knew three other people going through anything similar, one much more mildly, one bit similar and one much more intensely. So it was a very lonely journey until I found internet site's like to support me to not feel like I was the Lone Ranger.  I am definitely through the worst of it and now doing a mop up job. The reason I write this is my sense that others who came more lately to the transformation game may be judging themselves for not being on an upswing. They may be moving into the self hatred that haunted me for so many years. My great intent in sharing my story is my vision that we can go through this journey cherishing ourselves the most when things seem the darkest. I know that is not an easy task yet if you are in a place where you can not find anything about yourself that seems worthy, that you can appreciate, know I am holding your hand. I have so been there and done that.and know how excruciating it is. My loves, may we all know how precious and miraculous we each are. May we each know the Love and the Joy that we are.

yes, again

I have been experiencing the most incredible lightness of being and it is GOOD! Yesterday I was in the most gorgeous place. My day was incredibly mundane and yet I enjoyed it so much. The day flowed effortlessly even though, in the past, I would have considered it boring. I cooked, I cleaned, I wrote, I read. I KNEW Who I AM, I KNEW where this is all headed, I KNEW the challenges are only to clear what does not serve me.
Today, not so much. I woke up feeling mildly anxious. Now I haven’t felt anxiety in months MIRACLE!! So to say I am not delighted would be, let’s say, quite accurate as in a giant.... I forget myself. Didn’t I just say that yesterday I KNEW all this incredible wisdom. Yea, right. So I will do my best to hang on to my own faith and trust this day to unfold. I will see if I can get my mojo going and turn the day around. And if not, I will trust that whatever is being cleared now, yes again, is vital to my well being and full recovery. These back and forth shifts are not easy. Yet apparently they must be necessary so I will say yes, o.k. I will accept. Yet this time not as a puppet of these energies, rather as a co-creator. I will not go gently into the night rather see and know how quickly I am flowing to the Light

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

mini miracles

I got another hot tip from Lauren's site Think with Your Heart when she said in one of her post that exactly that small thing we need/want will be there for us, like the missing ingredient for a recipe being available yet with only one in stock. These mini- miracles just tickle me. When I went away overnight, I decided I wanted a balloon wind spinner to replace my defunct one which has brought me such joy. While in town, we took a shortcut we had never used to return to the hotel and low and behold, what do I see? Mind you I had replacing this balloon in the back of my mind for a few years yet never saw one. Now it appeared in less than 24 hours. Then I got it home and a little piece was missing. I decide to let it go and enjoy it with it's little defect. Yet later I see a phone number on the discarded package, call it and they are sending me the piece! I also decided to release a large amount of weight. After a year working with my coach, I have shifted my health and eating habits tremendously yet with minimal weight loss, about 15 pounds. Since I decided to release a lot of weight, I am down 8 pounds in about 2 or 3 weeks! Tell me there isn't magic afoot! I am really celebrating playing with this new creation toy. Wanna join me in the play box?

vaccination from limitation

 Don’t know about you, but in my world it has been shake and bake time, lot’s of stuff in the oven. A week ago Sunday I was in an unpleasant dark and empty place, missing my new found lightness of being. The next few days were o.k. until I hit about 3 a.m. Thursday. I had been struggling with something big time and I went down for the count. I went to that very dark, bottomless, I can’t take it anymore pit of despair. The circumstances were trivial. First my daughter’s and then my illness possibly preventing an overnight trip yet it dramatically forced a critical awareness to the surface. I had spent years clearing myself of sourcing  love from outside. Yet I had never recognized fully how much I do the same still with joy. It was like my life depended on making the trip. I had felt a similar dynamic when I had to miss the Mardi Gras parade. I knew I no longer enjoyed it that much yet still missing it drove me around the bend. So I woke up at 3 a.m. sick as a dog. It was hours before we should leave on our trip. I WAS ROYALLY PISSED! I thought Gdam))((**&^^%$@@@#$%^^&**((((**&&^%$#!!!#%^& Let me just have my little trip to cheer me up, quite being so cruel and cut me a break. (Insert many curse words and cries of victim, poor poor pitiful me.) I watched myself careening downhill and have been down that slippery slope too many times not to know where I might end up if I didn’t pull out. I finally fell into a most awe inspiring place of true surrender. All conflict dropped away, all need and panic and I arrived in a luscious garden of acceptance, fully at peace with allowing it to be as it was. I dropped into an astonishingly solid sleep. I knew that I would most likely lose all the hotel deposit money yet that too was fine. I woke up and decided to enjoy the sun on my deck. As I sat there, I felt better and better until I felt totally normal. Now here was a miracle I had not considered even possible. I had seen what the lesson was. It was clear the cost of seeking joy outside myself outweighed B Y    F   A   R  any possible pleasure the trip might afford. I got it. I had again sold myself down the river for a very cheap price, buying big time limitation. No parade or mini vacation and my life is over? 
I had been toying with a sentence I had heard during a talk, where the man said he didn’t want a life he felt the need to vacate! That hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to vacate my own life!! Now that is NOT fun! Interestingly, while I was sitting on my deck, I read Jennifer Posada's post about self love and realized I did not want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water. The problem is not doing things for pleasure. Au contraire. The problem is

So it is beautiful to find things one enjoys and do them. Yet if I attach myself to that thing, if my life depends on it: 

SO, I let it go and it came back to me. We went, we enjoyed, we came home. Then I got very sick and the next lesson arrived. I started to buy the sickness, see myself as limited again, alone and afraid. Yikees. This time miracles arrived with the calvary more quickly. First I was so showered with love and care that I knew I was arriving in heaven on earth. Second, I decided not to be sick anymore, not to follow the proscribed protocol for this illness. Guess what? Today I am almost fully recovered and all is well. I got a vaccination from limitation with Lauren's Think with Your Heart post yesterday. I read the post and felt my inner authority flourish. Today I feel capable, encouraged, healthy, powerful and wise. Damn, I am just too astonishingly amazing. And so are you. Shew, what a ride!! So if you fall into the limitation trap, see it as it is, claim your power, release your belief and fly!

Something else I have been thinking about, how I have misunderstood Divine will as a way to negate my own power and someone else already wrote the blog for me:

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

PTSD without the P

I've decided many of us are challenged by PTSD without the P, meaning Post Traumatic Stress Disorder without the post, meaning we have gone through a lot of trauma and the fact that the challenges haven't quit means we are not post yet, still ongoing. My sense is this definitely adds to the diligence required to sail through these times.
Sunday was a doozer for me. Reading the next day that I had been right on target with the energies did help:

needing to escape+
intense emotions+

Karen Bishop was saying feeling depressed was de rigour right now. t talked about the need to escape. "It brings an insanity of wreckless abandonment, bursts of simmering rage, instinctual impulses to escape and escape fast, pain, and something akin to the Furies." Monday Feb 11, 2013.
So glad that I fit in yet sometimes it gets old. Been fairly neutral since then with a few little mind benders. Had one good day and miracle this morning. I was in spin mind about whether or not to go on our mini vacation despite ill health. I had kept myself healthy despite my daughter's frequent colds/flu and felt myself wake up all stuffed up. I felt the attachment to my mini get away and finally said, ah, screw it, whatever happens is fine. I then felt my nose clear up INSTANTLY, I KID YOU NOT. I then fell into a profound sleeping beauty type sleep yet still ended up with a wacky day. Just feel off, bit grumpy and totally unproductive. So like I said PTSD without the P. I know, I know, thoughts create so I'll say, yup all that's leaving, thank the Lord.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

a dream come true, the only freedom is now

What a wacky day. I write and publish this very scattered, raw musings of a very erratic day. (editor's note: I can not get this post straight; it meanders here and there.  When I try to pin it down in one place, it pops up elsewhere. I am now ready to call it quits.) It started out this blah color as I felt edgy, irritated and restless. My daughter's bronchitis would prevent us from attending the annual Mardi Gras parade in town. I have never missed it before and always look forward to it, despite my enjoyment and my perception of the quality of the parade going majorly downhill in the last years. Still, my restlessness urged me to move, to get away. In prior times it would almost have demanded I act, I move, I do something to escape the uncomfortable feelings churning within. Nothing to put a finger on, just yuck. This time I was grateful for my relative acceptance of what was.
 Instead we played a game called the Ungame, where there is no winning or losing, just going around answering personal questions that can be very casual to very intimate. I sat with my discomfort as it prodded me, making me jumpy, staring out the window at the sun, longing to escape myself. I was able to both witness my inner turmoil, irritation and external seeking and stay out of story, yet hoping to land on something that would answer my yearning for wholeness. I told myself that the irritation was just leaving. I knew going to the parade was an illusion, promising relief it could not deliver except perhaps momentarily. 
One of my daughter's answer's in the game stunned me. When asked something about the future, she said she doesn't think about the future. I asked her more and it seems she does not think about either future or past, something I have trained my mind to do with only limited success after endless hours of mediation. Apparently it is  something she is living naturally! It made me realize how often I seek answers in the future although I do that less and less. It also made me aware of how little I truly know her, know anyone really. It also made me even more aware how different today's children are, what often unrecognized gifts they have. We played the game for hours and I gradually settled down. I recognized the incredible beauty of the moment and slowly was awash in a sea of love and even gratitude. The tenderness swamped me. I saw how empty all my plans for the future are, how they never give me what I most desire. All my  eating, sugar, shopping, vacations only lead me away from myself when done with any intent to escape the present moment. They are always a trap that keeps me locked away from facing the falsely perceived demon of emptiness that sometimes tears at me, cursing me with a tainted version of myself, of my humanity. Nothing actually exists in the future or the past. When I yearn for something I do not have, I am already trapped as that thing, person or experience is not controllable, is not permanent, is by nature ephemeral. If I look deeply I see this. I am finding it nearly impossible to put this visceral understanding into words. I felt the yearning to get away from myself, to find something or someone to fill me. I watch someone close to me get the roller coaster ride of being in love, ecstatic when all is well, devastated when the relationship is challenged. While I sometimes yearn for someone to fill me, I choose not to be in relationship until I have answered my own yearning and emptiness. That is a game I have played and lost over and over. Ironically, it is in my moments of greatest connection and intimacy, moments that fulfill some of my deepest yearning as a human that also lead me to feeling trapped again.  In those moments, I sometimes feel my desire rise for the other to fill my emptiness.  Then when the other goes away, or is not loving, the emptiness can sometimes swamp me again. There is a sense of loss, of incompleteness whenever I see the other as the source of my love. I feel the high of the connection followed by the low of the separation. It is a paradox that I now understand that one of my greatest desires as a human is to be in loving partnership and that desire will only be fulfilled when I embrace my divinity, my wholeness, mySelf; when I experience internal unity rather than separation. What I have discovered is that seeking outside myself guarantees failure, but only always. When I find myself at Home in myself, there is no sense of loss, of need, of limitation. This contrast always keeps me honest, stopping me seeking my source in another.

I just finished watching a DVD I found both disturbing and yet very moving called "Flight." The ending moved me to tears and brought me back to one of the last questions I answered for the Ungame, "What would you like friends to say about you after you die?" I answered that I would consider my life complete and profoundly satisfying if at the end of my life my friends said that I was one of the most loving people they ever knew. My daughter looked up at me and said, "Mom, you know a lot of people already do say that about you." My mouth fell up with a searing blast of emotion as I realized that sadly, I don't really know that which only shows me that I not only know so little about others, apparently I also know so little about myself.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Sophia has our back and connecting to Utah

I won't lie, I was having a little trouble keeping the faith for the last day. Then I saw the good news about the earthquakes having such minimal effects. Now I was on the site to check something and saw a family of light member from Utah popping in and saw someone looking at an old blog. Rereading old blogs (reconnecting to the galactic center- the lines home are now open, June 17, 2012)  often surprises me and usually I have forgotten both the content and any triggering circumstances. This one gave me a surge of both hope and encouragment. I see my two biggest challenges are to keep the faith while keeping my courage and releasing self doubt about my ability to truly pull off this thing called embodied joy and love. Thank you friend, somehow I feel us connected. Together, it feels like much smoother sailing. I wish you all that the road rises up to meet you.

Everything changes today.  Sophia is now fully awake from the blow she took when she was pulled from her home (to fully understand this, you must read the story).  She is now in two-way communication with those of her kind and is setting up to return there.  This is the reason the poles of the planet have been moving.  She has been navigating into position where she could have optimal signal (like the way we get better cell - mobile for international readers - phone coverage in certain locations).  She couldn't phone home until she was 1) awake and 2) in position.
Now she can begin the process of returning home...

...If you knew you were part of a rescue team to help a woman who woke up and didn't know how to get home actually find her way home and the only way you could do it was to be the kindest soul you could be - one who found beauty and joy in the trees, animals, sky, elements, rocks, flowers, and humans around you - would you do it?  What if you knew that conditions were in place to do everything to keep you from seeing those things and instead seeing ugliness, loneliness, ignorance, and cruelty?  It would be a true task, but this is our only mission.  Sophia designed to plan to include our participation.  What we do affects what happens to her.  We are the wild card.
So this weekend, consider all of this and decide if you want to be on board.  Consider joining Sophia's conference call with the Galactic Center.  Step outside into the heart if the natural world and state your intention.  Then, from this day forward, intend to keep yourself in her alignment, no matter what the outside world brings you.  In the end, all that matters is our connection...

Saturday, June 16 - Sunday, June 17, 2012

miracles and non attachment

I had read the news below yesterday about the possibility of earth shifts and awoke today to read of two big earthquakes both 6.9 in Japan and Columbia without any significant damage or injury! I find this very encouraging and for me indicative of the major shift post 12/21/12. I do have a strong sense of unseen support guiding the necessary changes with minimal fallout. I actually was able to read the news without fear or concern. My energy yesterday and thus far today has not been very uplifted. Yet I sense new non attachment in me. 
I am scheduled for a mini one night vacation in a few days. Circumstances may prevent that and are definitely not my preference right now. I am relatively calm about it whereas previously I would have freaked out. I controlled certain experiences to give me the needed boost to wade through the crude. If anything rocked those boats, I would go apeshit. I still intend and see my desired outcome yet will not have a meltdown if it doesn't unfold. The same for today, plans made may or may not unfold. Since I am not jumping for joy today, previously I would have forced my little uplift experience no matter what. Now I await what will be.
I forgot the other day to list the most significant aspect of my being I have healed. I LITERALLY FORGOT THAT WHICH CAPTURED MY ATTENTION FOR DECADES!!! I forgot my saga healing the need to source love outside myself. Yes, it still pops it's cute little head up occasionally for a little wave yet it is so minor I forgot about it!! So it is clear I am now healing the lack of joy I have experienced most of my life. It feels so minor in contrast to how the healing of my love source felt. Now I have more faith that what is unfolding is serving me, serving us. Yes, today is definitely not a joy jump day so far. Yet I choose to just wave goodbye, saying, wonderful, non joy is leaving my life. No story, no attachment. A simple goodbye. I will shift my energy to little aspects of my life I can find a molecule of pleasure in; in this moment the way the light is sparkling in the trees. Do I feel any real pleasure? No, yet that's o.k. I can still trust one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month from now, sometime I will.

My friend Mona channeled that there will be a great shaking both of the Earth and within us in mid-February.  This is a possibility because of all the Earth changes we have already gone through. The core of Earth is heating up and our magnetic field is very low. The core is what creates the magnetic field around Earth. If our core changes than we could have a great shaking called a magnetic pole shift. We have already gone through several shifts of our magnetic pole since 1994 and it has shifted several miles.

Friday, February 8, 2013

keeping it simple, we're human too

Yesterday I felt absolutely clear and grounded. I UNDERSTOOD! Today things have faded already yet this is what I remember. I see how difficult it is for me to accept being human. I want super human powers and if I don't have them, I tend to judge myself. I have grand visions and as of yet, no foundation for them. I get frustrated that my vision and behavior are often not synched. I forget how far I've come and how little it takes to make a big difference. I make it too complicated and I don't think I am alone in this. Want to make a difference? Keep it very simple. How about a smile? a hug? a listening ear? a small donation? eating a bit more healthy? a few minutes more outside or moving the body? 
If you're like me, you can remember your Divinity, your time in the stars. You can taste it and find it hard to accept the sometimes dross of being human. I always laugh when I remember a tape I heard in which Joshua thanks us for our efforts and congratulates us on our courage. He say something like, "you don't see Me down there in that density anymore! No thanks." I also have read that different light beings want to assists us and some actually embody yet many can not, as they can not handle the density. Point being, did you get up this morning? Even tie your shoes? Fantastic, you're doing great! Congratulations! We tend to set unrealistic expectations and forget the extraordinary nature of the shift we are undergoing. I say our grandchildren will be talking about how grandma/pa lived through these historic times. While these times are ripe with opportunities for liberation and Love, they are not easy. Each of us is truly heroic merely by the fact that we keep on truckin'. Give yourself a giant hug. Remember the nature of this transition is monumental and a wide variety of responses/ reactions is to be expected. Know that you are a miracle and you are doing great!
We don't have to be Hercules, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Zorro or Harry Potter. We only have to be ourselves.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Divine Feminine

O.K. kids, I don't know what is up but my computer Merlin is getting a mind of his own. I was editing an old post from May 2011 and he somehow moved it to a current post! I hardly know how to do that on purpose so I have no idea how this happened. I assume someone somewhere needs to read this post now so I will just say yes and amen!

Just lately I have been feeling profoundly held by the energy of the Divine Feminine. What a surprise. One of my dear friends has committed her life to the Divine Feminine and another has a similar path and until recently I would scratch my head and say, “huh?” I just didn’t get it. But lately I have been so touched by the compassion and empathy I witness in so many women. I see them holding for each other, for their kids, neighbors, strangers. As I have gone through my crisis, so many women have held me. This week has been stunning. On Monday I was at my Temple group and witnessed each woman embody aspects of the goddess and it was powerful. On Tuesday I was at my Mastery group practicing Cellular Memory Release and a beloved friend facilitated TWO of us at the same time, a first for me, through an amazing healing experience that truly blew me away. Both of us having the session were committed to the healing and release of the other, both of us caring so much that each of the other’s needs were met, our facilitator gracefully dancing across every unexpected twist and turn. I was so deeply touched (I am also so tired of the words profound and deep- anybody got an other suggestion?) Today at Yoga I was sharing a sadness about a family member and two slight acquaintances stopped in their tracks to support and encourage me. 
One of the most heartfelt stories that has happened to me was my experience with a woman at American Express. I have been trying to sign up for auto pay for over a year. My husband the computer wizard tried a number of times with no luck. I requested the form three times by mail- the envelope they sent was empty Then I tried email but it was formatted so I couldn’t print it. I felt frustrated and I was ready to quit. I called one last time and the representative promised to stay with me until it was done. I couldn’t find a check and she waited as I hunted. I said oh, forget it, it is too silly I can’t find a check. She wouldn’t give up. She waited about ten minutes and then had to go to a meeting but called me afterward. I finally did it. I felt like I’d climbed Mount Everest, so powerful and capable. It was huge for me to finally get it done and to feel held by a stranger who wouldn’t let me quit. Today I had lunch with a radiant new friend whose story and life touched so many cords in mine and gave me courage. Friends and relatives around the world have been so generous with their time and energy. Strangers often lend me a hand. Men too help me yet not with the same frequency or tenderness.  
I feel held by a gossamer web of such intricate beauty. I feel totally inadequate trying to express in words how precious this has been. I am falling in love with my gender, proud to be a woman. I love you all! 
May 11, 2011 10:33 p.m.

it's all good

Holy moly chickadees, how quickly the world seems to shift, at least my inner world. Yesterday I was mildly depressed and feeling like I was going nowhere fast. Today the light bulb went off. Who am I kidding. Let me get this straight. After a lifetime of being basically crippled by anxiety and overwhelm, I have not been even bothered one smidgeon by those nasties. I am able to get up out of bed AND leave my house without wondering if I’ll make it. I am slowly clearing out clutter from my house. My health has never been better. I cook almost all my own food and I am primarily vegetarian now with some fish and meat rarely. I exercise at least four hours a week. I have had periods of huge joy and I generally feel spacious and peaceful. If you have been following this blog or have read prior posts, you know this has not been my modus operandi in the last years. A year ago I was just coming out of the most difficult 2 1/2 years of my life and a very unfun 13 year stretch mixed with periods of the joy of parenting. Now I want to moan when I feel mildly depressed and unproductive? Come on! 
Here is what I see now. My experience over the years is that everything that is about to depart gets bigger to capture my awareness as I bid that challenge a graceful adieu. O.K. unitl 2013 it wasn’t always so graceful and some had me crawling on my knees begging for mercy. Yet my sense is now all that drama is unnecessary for me. I notice what is up, in this case mild depression and unclarity, inability to know how to continue with my dreams. Yesterday I wrote my blog with a ho hum attitude. Today I feel joy again. HELLO! ANYBODY SEE A PATTERN HERE?  I added the word joy to my manifesto, my life purpose the other day and hello, what does that mean? That means that anything that is not joy is going to peek it’s cute little head up for a fond farewell. So my not good enough is showing up for a final bow along with my mild depression, which definitely doesn’t feel like joy, and my inability to move forward. So long, farewell, aufwiedersehn, goodbye.Will they be gone for good? Maybe but I ain’t going to fall for attaching to that idea. I just know all my little petty tyrants are on there way out the door and if some choose to overstay their welcome a bit, that’s all good too. I have no story or opinion about that. I know this much for sure; my level of inner freedom and peace is beyond what I could have previously imagined.
If these words approximate your experience, you were probably in the first wave and have cleared most of the goo. If they do not and you are bogged down in goo, my guess is you are second wavers and I am not sure exactly how effortless the clearing will be for you. I am sure it will be easier that in was before now but not clear how exactly it will unfold. Try the tips and tools discussed in yesterday’s blog and if those don’t feel like they are doing the trick, go to the tried and true: allow it, feel it, stay out of the story, change your ideas and beliefs and, as always, Remember Who you are. If it feels like too much to do alone, get thee some support. Perhaps a friend who you can process the energies with; this was something I did for several years. Try a free meditation class perhaps. Ask that you be guided to the appropriate resources for you, intend it and it will happen. TRUST! Let me know if I can help in some way. I again feel called to offer a 20% discount to my blog family. 
Beloveds, may you be well, may you know all is well, may you be guided to the support and resources that will serve you,  may you KNOW absolutely that the Remembrance is worth the journey home, a journey without distance. Sending you all so much love.

Also, I am looking for someone to help me with web design as an exchange if anyone is interested.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013



I am running this blog through my being and hope to get in on the page soon. My computer decided to post this before I was ready so I'll go with Merlin's choice. So in the meantime here are some post I found useful. Hang in there my loves. Shew, what a ride!!

O.K., here it is and I'll do my best to accept it it is enough:

I don’t know about you but for me the energies are much gentler yet harder for me to make sense of. I can alternate from the most spacious peace to deep emptiness in three seconds flat. For several weeks I felt emotionally complete flat, nothing touched me. Then a profound emptiness created an abyss where my self worth was swallowed up. I again began to doubt myself. This seems to my new favorite way to pull myself down now that anxiety and overwhelm no longer plague me. (Time out for a ticker tape parade!!!) Here’s what the inner talk sounds like when I get going. “You should be doing more. Why aren’t you accomplishing more? What have you done with your life? Your not exhausted anymore so what’s your excuse? You’re wasting your life. You sit around all the time. Time’s a-wasting. Everybody does more than you. Why aren't you working on your book? At least start your web site. You waste so much time....” The inner feeling is I am not enough and I have to justify my existence. I had initially entitled this “Your love is enough” until I caught there trap there. That is one of my favorite ego devices to justify my existence; if I love enough, then I am good enough, then I am a worthy person. Crappolla. I KNOW intellectually that it is a crock yet I feel my emotions buy the lie when I feel vulnerable.  

Here’s my hot tip what to do when crazy monkey mind tries to screw with your head. Go outside and take a deep breath! I am amazed how quickly I can get off it. When the emotions then thoughts evaporate, I am always surprised I bought the sucker punch. I am not sure what to make of these energies regarding the best healing modalities yet my sense is that we can heal much more quickly without the deeper processes that use to be required to heal wounds (i.e therapy, diving into the pit of our emotions and so on.) My sense is that how quickly we can pull out of our head/ body trips depends on several factors. The first is how much inner work we have already done, how much density we have already cleared. The second seems to be age, the younger the easier to clear. ( I know, not fair!) I notice with clients bogged down in density that quicker methods do not seem to make a dent. Yet I am sure many of you have already done a lot of clearing. The links below offer several quick tips on jumping out of ego games. To summarize what I got from them is when you notice you are caught, don’t ask why these old wounds are arising now as doing so locks you in to the resonance of the problem and puts you attention on what you don’t want thus pulling in what you don’t want through law of attraction. Just say Oh, look at that, these old ways of being and thinking are leaving and then shift your attention and thus your vibration to something else such as a flower, a good meal, a fun conversation. ( taken from Jim Self link).  Lee Harris says something similar. Here’s what I say. Keep it simple. Does the thought make you feel good? If not, it is a lie. As Jim Self says repeatedly, “You can not not be o.k.” If it doesn’t feel good, dump it. The ease of using these simplified  healing methods is a great plus for these times. My sense is there is much less drama and trauma. 
Remember, you are enough and more than enough, you are a masterpiece, we all our. The only question is how long it s going to take to remember that truth. It will take each of us however long it takes. I notice that expectations have buried me numerous times so I stay out of that prison. I don’t know what will unfold next or when I will be more productive. I don’t know what is next on the horizon. I only know this much is true. We are divine and I sure hope we remember it in time! Yet I choose to love myself regardless, at least on a good day. I hope you will too.

Another piece of the puzzle may have just dropped in. I realize that I have used my blog to give me a sense of worth. Believing I need to do something to be worthy keeps me tied to limitation.  My worth, your worth is not attached to any particular achievement. To believe otherwise keeps us small. My understanding is that all the props we have used to keep our ego afloat are being removed so that we can connect to our unlimited nature without attachments. Perhaps this explains why my blog no longer feels so satisfying or delicious for now. But hey, just caught myself in the act. I won't ask why, I'll just know that all that no longer serves us is leaving and in it's place our authentic passion and purpose will arise. I strongly suspect that once I release any unhealthy attachments, I will return to the wondrous joy I often experience writing to my beloved blog family. 

February will be about finding more ways that you have sought meaning in life through your attachments... and the breakdown of this myth. You have operated from the "desire elemental" of the ego defense. You desire to get a "hit" or to avoid wounded feelings through your desire. But this is a child's narcissism, operating through this attachment and desire to "fill the emptiness."
This emptiness only comes from a lack of inner connection to Self and knowing HOW to fill your experiences from that inner connection. This is what will give you true meaning in your life. And these tools and approaches must be learned. We encourage you to seek the education and teachers who can 
model this healthier experience of life. 

Monday, February 4, 2013

February embodied bliss practice

Because times are so intense it is easy to get stuck in "the problem" whatever it may be. To antidote that I am creating a forum (or maybe a monologue) to share our joy. I will post five or more things I am finding joy (now with a focus on at least one moment of EMBODIED joy) in each day. I'll do it for as long as it feels good. Feel free to add your list in the comments or to do it at home on your own. Know that if you choose to do this you will be adding to the aggregate joy of the planet and right now she needs it. It will train our attention to focus on joy (EMBODIED joy in particular) and thus, by law of attraction, our joy MUST increase.

I would be delighted if you would like to add your joy list in the comments!!!

- watching my daughter be queen in King Arthur's court
- my wasband came to the play
- watching smoke rise off the pool
- delicious, healthy food at Briarpatch
- three interesting conversations with acquaintances
- Karin coming to the play
- so lovely out
- birds singing so sweetly
- silence
- time to be
- such gratitude for my increasing inner freedom
- working out complicated situation with my sister-in-law; feeling how we both want to cooperate and care for everyone's feelings and needs
- such peace
- cooking with new cookbook
- daughter willing to eat more healthy
- me losing charge about her eating
- delicious salmon and dal
- such feel of harmony
-tenderness and love
- feeling my emotions again!
- arriving at repair shop just as glass people there, who will fix my damaged window; such synchronicity
2/3 lemmy
- sharing love with Panther
- staying the observer as a battle raged within for control
- pulling out of major drama relatively quickly
- seeing so many swans
-the light on the hills
- eating the planned sweet and enjoying it yet recognizing it is no longer so satisfying as I am aware it does not best support my goal of maximum health
- walk in the park
- seeing a loving couple who shared clouds with us
- Trader Joe's
- able to drive home after dark with little trouble
- watching War Games
- delivering many bedtime kisses
- seeing my angel sleep with lemmy and bunny
- returning repeatedly to my intention to be Love despite continuing obstacles
- able to face the emptiness with greater strength
- sitting on my steps listening to the frogs serenade me and watching the sunset
- such incredible peace and spaciousness
- uplifted conversation with Maria
- sweet family meal
- working out balance with everyone's feelings and needs
- staying centered in previously charged situations
- finding my balance again after waking up in a panic
- immediately dealing with the thoughts that caused the panic
- able to Remember Who I AM and return to sleep
- spaciousness
- able to use new inner software to buy the cheapest possible plane ticket after initially moving into upset
- understanding ever more fully our current ability to co-create
- being able to switch levels of consciousness with such agility, sometimes
- recognizing how often old triggers can't fool me
- more abundance with my income
- so much less fear than ever
- so much more trust and faith
- enjoying dates 
- ability to guide another through devastating fear
- sweet conversation with Uschi
- enlivening conversation with Karin
- connecting conversation with Georg
- bedroom cleared of most clutter
- exploring major questions of how to navigate the new energies
- exploring expedited methods of healing with the new energies
- ease fasting
- enjoying my green drink
- experiencing joy and freedom of movement in Nia
- on time to school despite late departure
- waking up daughter with 1000's of kisses
- mood elevated after Nia despite rain
- much greater clarity today
- no cravings!!!
- able to reestablish order S L O W LY in my home
- willingness to exercise
- almost two full days fasting, done with ease
- made tutoring
- not getting upset when I forgot my computer
- empowered day yesterday
- feeling so capable and centered
- waking up before alarm
- loving the sweetness of dates
- water aerobics
- conversation with Marie and Elizabeth
- treasured and endearing conversation with loved one
- pulling out of charge in a few seconds
- new fun clothes from thrift store
- cool scarf from there
- someone can fix my very old and too big Irish sweater
- more clarity
- smidgen more acceptance
- understanding how some people process emotionally, some physically
- able to be relatively neutral in previously triggering environment
- more forgiveness of self and others
- eating sloppy joe's, a staple of childhood
- feeling the intense energy, perhaps from the solar flare, and staying relatively in balance
- sugar craving almost gone, able to eat much more in harmony with body

- eating at the temple
- hanging out with Karin
- helping someone else enjoy themselves
- watching DVD with daughter
- realizing how much old addictions like shopping and sugar no longer trap me so much
- water
- dahl
- able to contain and witness my restless agitation
- transforming desire to escape
- having such an enlightening dialogue with my daughter
- being bathed in a cocoon of love and intimacy
- enjoying my afternoon
- releasing my attachments
- support clearing things out
- wasband's gift of Valentine flowers
-productive day yesterday 
-Good session with client
-Staying calm despite a lot of commotion
- depression exited
-Woke up so peaceful
-More clarity
-Felt inspired for a little while

- felt capable
- good workout with Horacio
- really enjoyed my time of the deck and sun
- miracle of healing early morning
- truly understanding nothing more important than my own Self
- able to surrender
- surrender and flu symptoms disappeared miraculously instantaneously
- power on
- more self acceptance
- understanding a master is one who sees their own unlimitedness!
- celebrating love
- sweet presents from wasband
- daughter forgiving when I was sharp
- huge awareness this morning
- seeing how I seek joy outside myself, just as I did love
- understanding more what truly matters
- gorgeous day
- well enough to make trip
- feel O.K.
- slept ok
- enjoying bubbles swimming!
- translucent stones by waterfall
- hot springs
- beautiful drive
- lunch with Karin, find out she got flattened same time I did. connecting conversation
- acceptance of another's grumpiness
= daughter extraordinarily loving when I felt ill and was awake in middle of the night
- her suggestion I should wake her latter if I couldn't sleep again (wouldn't do it but so tender for her to offer?
- knowing the love that was exchanged then is our true nature and homecoming
- feeling very poorly physically yet not freaked out mentally of emotionally as I was
- really grocking the potency of these energies
- sweet DVD
- witnessing my daughter mirroring my loving ministrations when she was ill
- daughter's loving ministrations
- daughter's support
- harmony
- feeling better!
- not so afraid
- hugs and kisses
- healing sleep
- wasband so incredibly loving and supportive, bringing me medicine's, picking me plants to dry for tea, bring supplies, food anything he could think of it help me
- weekly flower's from wasband
- wasband's offer to help me day or night
- continued love and support from my daughter
- harmony in our family
- knowing the three of us will always be family
- good conversation with Marie
- really enjoyed movie Juno
- relatively calm in situation that is not easy for me
- wonderful think with your heart post
- feeling personal power growing
- good day despite some negative expectations
- restoring myself to health with my intent
- releasing so much weight, physical and emotional
- so many offers of support and appreciation
- sweet video from daughter to keep me company
- able to uplift a friend
- great conversations all day
- planning trip to Italy!!
- sound of rain
- instant solutions
-powerful manifestations
- extraordinarily peaceful and light day yesterday
- a very "boring" day that was so delicious
- interesting new link held me crystalize half formed realizations
- enjoying cleaning the kitchen!
- enjoying cooking!
- sound of rain
- falling snow
- wonderful parent meeting
- place new to me in town
- good book
- time outside
- good conversation
- hugs
- healthy food
- Nia so enjoyable
- really starting to get the Nia moves
- cuddling
- great dinner
- fun conversation with Lisa
- friendship with Karin
- house passed inspection after 91/2 months
- lost sweater found and refund forthcoming
- trying new exercise class, Zumba
- actually able to more or less keep up
good salmon
- daughter eating better!
- hugs
- forward movement
- staying somewhat centered with powerful pushing energies
- anxiety slowly decreasing
- some hours of peace
- back releasing pressure
- family
- friendship
- hearing so many others are challenged in similar ways
- supportive comments on TWYH
- feeling connected to TWYH community
- great DVD about integration 
- sweet dinner with wasband
- connecting energy with him
- lovely morning being creative with daughter
- connecting with in laws
- sweet hugs and kisses
- calmer in evening
- connection with Moonlight and Panther
- getting very humble
- conversation with Maria
- support from others who truly care

- new Pilates class
- getting a lot done
- feeling less panicked
- accepting and even enjoying learning a new physical skill
- lovely day
- nap
- seeing gorgeous hawk!
- feeling so much more space
- recognizing how much exercise helps
- lovely dinner with Karin
- already took a walk
- sleeping very well
- return of hope and faith
- returning to center
- sound of owl
- hugging my friend the tree
- not losing it despite a number of Mercury retrograde screw ups