Monday, March 21, 2011

Why is Love?

This is the easiest to answer. The why of love is that love is Who we are. To me, the game of life is getting this, getting at the cellular level our true Identity as Love. Now the game is very interesting and has many twist and turns. The biggest twist I am aware of is what The Way of Mastery calls the special relationship. The special relationship is where someone or something fills your emptiness. While it seems to work, we are willing to give everything to that specialness. We are absolutely devoted. But when that special one or thing no longer seems to meet our needs, how quickly we can turn.
It seem to be world events are making us more and more aware of our unity. What happens in Japan affects all of us. We can’t go in our corner and just forget it. I have been devoted to specialness all my life until now. I have always made relationships my anchor. First my mother, various boyfriends, husband, daughter. While I have witnessed the flaws in this way of filling my emptiness, it wasn’t until the ground got yanked from under my feet figuratively that I have been truly able to witness what I have done in the name of love and what others continue to do. Isn’t love of country or religion the primary reason for the atrocities of the world? I love my God so much I’ll kill you if you disagree. I love my country so much I’ll kill you if you disagree. I love you so much I’ll do anything for you- but for those others over there- I’ll do nothing.
I have had a million wake up calls before I could see this clearly. Not surprisingly, I have a partial macular hole in one eye and had a tear in my retina in the other. I am finally willing and able to see. What I see saddens me. I see how for love of one person, we so often neglect, are unkind to, harm, ignore another and still feel good because we believe we are a lover. Now I know this is a stage we all have to go through. And I know I am like an ex-smoker, cursing the idiocy of smokers. Yet I have so much grief for what is done in the name of love that I just want to scream “STOP!”. I had to have a situation in my personal life get so bad, so painful, so absurd before I could really see.
Now I feel like I’m in limbo. I know my old identity no longer supports me. I know that my purpose is to abide in unconditional love. I know at a cellular level how incredible that feels, how fulfilling and complete. Yet I have only had a taste, a tantalizing taste. What to do until I reach the other shore?
The other thing that has become increasingly clear to me is that until we manage to heal at the level of our nervous system, it is just an idea. These last years have been a continual diving into the physical reactivity of my body to certain conditions and situations. Over and over I have had to experience the physical, mind/body response to the belief I  am separate from love. I can say I believe whatever I want yet until our nervous system buys it, it isn’t really helpful. 
So now I am in limbo. I KNOW that I am not separate from love yet that is not my daily embodied awareness. I have released major aspects of my old identity yet nothing has yet come in to replace it. I sometimes feel alone or lonely. I am bewtixt and between. So what can I do but allow and surrender to that? Sorry, wish I had a better answer. Let me know if you have any answers.

Monday, March 14, 2011

When is Love?

Even a few weeks ago I would have said love is a decision and we make the choice to experience love. We feel it, if we are open, when someone loves us or we love someone. But is love conditional? I have come to realize conditional love no longer is my prime desire, in fact not my desire at all. I want to live in unconditional love. A tall order I know, yet this is where I think we are all headed. Unfortunately, I have come across another of Love's obstacle. Love is NOT something we can control, choose, will, force. We can only clear the obstacles and await grace. Love is direct experience, a feeling tone. To have it as an idea or intention is fine but doesn't do the trick, does it? Until it is an embodied experience, it is only a nice thought. So my focus now is to clean, clean, clean until my lived experience, like I felt some days ago, is one of unconditional Love. Nothing else I see is eternal and answers the longing for me. Nothing else frees me from the puppet strings of conditions. Nothing else liberates my heart. When we declare ourselves for Love, the Universe steps in, excited to welcome us to the club. It arranges whatever steps are necessary to get us to that lived experience. We never know what it will take and for me I must surrender to a wisdom that goes beyond my every day awareness. I guarantee you this is the hardest thing I have ever done and requires a level of trust and faith I do not currently have. So off I go, jumping from the cliff and waiting to be held. Wanna jump?

Friday, March 11, 2011

Say Yes!!

The last week and a half has been one of the most intense periods of my life. I am still unable to really articulate all that has occurred and am still reeling from such dramatic and swift transformation. I am not able to write clearly or with much grace yet will give it a shot. Here goes: It began February 26th when the pressure of believing that love was outside of me was so great that it felt as though my body could literally blow up. I had isolated the core belief that has been devastating my life always and now my body was allowing me to actually feel the damage that belief has wrought. It was agony and I felt it was unbearable. The physical pressure mounted and increased. I felt despair and hopelessness, uncertain where to turn as nothing helped. I prayed my head off and miraculously, the next day my heart opened and I knew, at a level beyond thought, that I am Love. The knowing was fleeting and I also knew that I needed the direct experience, an embodied experience, in order to truly shift. I prayed again for such an experience, sourcing love within from no external condition. I laid on my steps in the sun and freezing wind and waited. Miraculously again, I was given a physical experience of love arising in my body unrelated to any circumstance. I felt blessed. That night unconditional love arose in me so powerfully. The last time I can remember feeling it so strongly was when my daughter was an infant. Yet this arose within me, for no reason, it just was. It was so delicious! My daughter felt it too and planned our lives together, how we would spend hours cuddling and other such ideas. Neither of us wanted to go to sleep as it was so delightful.
The next day was nothing special yet the day after a huge chasm appeared in me. Years before, I had two of my deepest desires fail to materialize. In both cases, in hindsight, I was glad. Yet I was convinced for years that both were essential to my happiness. On that Tuesday, one condition that I have been attached to for decades arose. I felt without that, my identity would shatter and that it might literally kill me. I felt unable to let go of my attachment and yet felt torn part by it. It felt again as if the forces could blow me apart. I felt terrified and desperate. Another miracle occurred and I was able to pour out my anguish to a man I had spoken to for only a few minutes previously. He is a leader with the Shanti Cristo Foundation which publishes the book that is my bible,Way of Mastery. He allowed me to spill out my profound grief and terror. He told me how he had gone through very similar experiences and all that he had learned. He joined with me and gave me the courage to truly surrender that condition. He told me I must turn it over to the Universe and ask that I be shown how to proceed. Previously, I had been too terrified to genuinely surrender. Yet this night I was truly willing to ask that I be shown what I was to do. I was able to release an attachment and identity that has held me for decades. The only reason I was able to do so is that I realized the attachment was killing me. For the first time in my life I felt the desire to die. I had no choice left, if I wanted to live, but to surrender. Believe me when I tell you it was the hardest thing I have ever done. It took everything I have, every ounce of courage yet I finally did it. I awoke the next morning, having hardly slept, with absolute clarity. I was shown what to do and how to proceed. It was an alternative I had sensed yet never been able to truly picture as it is not a paradigm which exist currently on the planet, at least not that I am aware of. It was an alternative I had not been able to genuinely accept as viable. It involved surrendering and transforming a commitment that has lasted decades yet I was at peace. I felt such unconditional love for everyone involved. I floated throughout the day in joy and peace, so deeply relieved to have an answer,
Well, the next day the shit hit the fan again and I was back in terror. How could I do this? How could I let go, no way Jose!!! I cursed God and the horse he rode in on. I screamed and yelled. I hated everything. I wanted to kill God (Who was a very personal HE in this fantasy.) I had an Uzi out and was spraying him with bullets. I felt betrayed and misled. I felt this outcome had been promised to me and now I had been tricked and hoodwinked. I was ENRAGED!!!!!!!! I allowed myself to feel all of that and again had the good fortune to speak to my guardian angel, my new friend and teacher. Somehow he said all the right things and I was again able to surrender and trust.
The next day was one of the best of my life. I again floated now with bliss. I loved everyone and felt it deeply in my body. I saw angelic white energy for several hours- everyone seemed like the dearest and most amazing beings. I felt only love and gratitude, deep acceptance and joy. I was blown way by my unlimitedness. It was good and very good.
Well, you guessed it, it didn't last yet it gave me the taste of what i have sought my whole life. I KNEW that is Who I am. I KNEW that is where I am headed. I KNEW that everything that is occurring is perfect to help me get where I want, to clear all obstacles to Love within, to KNOW myself as Love. I had a great number of peaceful, calm days. I began living my identity in the new paradigm. All was well until the 9th of March.
On that day, all my fear and terror came again out of the woodwork. I was jumpy and freaking out. I was desperately seeking something outside of me to calm me down. My husband was feeling the same so I knew some energetic shift was up. What I didn't realize was that it was the date of the last wave of the Mayan calendar- i thought that date was later. I noticed many people seemed crazed. I just tried to ride it out, taking a hot bath, sitting outside but it was VERY rough. My husband and I compared notes and realized something had to be up. I was so relieved to realize it was a gateway and that explained to me the intensity. I tried to say, it is just neutral energy, but it was so difficult. Luckily, it passed the next day.
So today I sit with trust and faith that all will be well. I have waves of doubt or fear arise yet I allow them to pass. I am experienced a deep healing in an important relationship of mine. I am clearing my vision and beginning to really see myself as powerful and unlimited. I am freeing myself from conditions. And by the way, I have been reclaiming my power from food. During this crisis, I was on this very restrictive food plan- no sugar, my old supposedly dear friend (no more!). So I am now 30 pounds lighter in body and soul.  I realize without trust and a Plan that knows better than I where my happiness lies, I am sunk.  A few friends and I are sending each other trust and faith daily. Boy, do I need it.
Dear Friends, may you feel loved and supported in these intense times. My prayers and love go with you. Hang in there and know that all will be well, and all will be well and all will be very, very well.