Monday, March 31, 2014

happy astrological new year

Now is an ideal time to do ritual, a treasure map, writing down intentions for the astrological new year that began yesterday with the new moon. Plant the seeds of your dreams and visions into the field of consciousness and see what grows this next year. It is also an important time to be in nature and to get your body moving, whatever way feels best.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

a request for clarity


Two situations are currently not presenting any clarity to me. They both matter to me and I ask for your support, light, prayers in reaching clarity. I spoke with a consultant yesterday who highly recommends I not pursue the two websites I had taken months to choose the names for, but rather consolidate to one site. This would mean choosing a new site what would honor both intentions, my conscious parenting as well as my intent to guide others to remember themselves as the love that they are. Please hold with me that I discover the ideal integration of these two.
Also the cat we caretake for, Panther, is not well. She is feral and has intermittently trusted us, allowed us to touch her. She is laying around and is clearly not well. It would be quite difficult and undoubtedly traumatic to capture her to take her to a vet. I have no clarity yet what she would prefer. Please join with me in sending her light and healing and in gaining clarity about what would best serve her. Thank you.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Who wants to play the abundance game?

I have been playing the abundance game for years with moderate success. I have owned 3 homes, been around the world twice, lived and traveled abroad for over six years, taken every educational/personal growth opportunity I desire, adopted a child and worn fantastically fun, playful jewelry and clothes. Not too shabby. Yet I've done so always worrying about money as my net worth soared and nose dived numerous times. I have taught two or three abundance classes yet I always wavered with my intention and did not stay focused. This time feels different. Since the recognition that my second thought when my daughter was evaluated for surgery was "how much does it cost?" I have been committed to ending the scarcity in my life. That just was NOT working for me. No more having money as the nagging thought that doesn't leave. I have had tremendous freedom to live as I choose yet have done so with constant worry about paying for it. The surgery in October pushed me into committing to complete financial freedom. Listening to Matt's UTube posted below finalized my commitment. I recognize I am where he was and seeing how quickly he turned his scarcity around (three months) helps me focus more intently. He said his main gift was his relentless focus. I am capable of that too. So I am committing this time to be a bull dog on a pork chop with abundance. No turning back. I had just posted all those blogs about abundance and then hearing MAtt's video clip told me it was time to saddle up the horse. Since I began playing my abundance game this time around, I have attracted $4100, $3000 through a forgiven debt and $1100 from pure magic. Plus a gorgeous mermaid statue, new clients, new students, new work opportunities, new support to get my passion to a wider audience. Also someone who I gave money too over ten years ago spontaneously decided to pay me back.
F U N !!! 
So here is how the game is played. See abundance everywhere. Choose only abundant words. I sometimes dance when a bill is due or when I feel scarcity trying to pull me into its lure. I am relentlessly focused on loving myself, recognizing my intrinsic worth, loving everything that arises, releasing all complaints. I look for and see abundance everywhere. I A M   F O C U S E D! I do not let my attention waver from my intention. Students, clients, work, opportunities, blog readers are showing up in record numbers. I have had more students/clients this week then in years. So want to play with me as an experiment. Feel free to join in and report in the comments all your success and abundance pouring in. That is another thing I did. I have an Aquarius charm of a sensuous woman carrying an urn with liquid spilling down on to her from it. I see it as abundance constantly spilling on me with an endless supply. Wearing it keeps me focused on my intent. If you'd like to declare yourself relentlessly focused on abundance, feel free to tell us in the comments. Whoopee, what a ride! 

p.s. just for fun, I found a photo of me that got taken accidentally on photo booth back in January and one taken just now and posted them on the bottom of this blog. Take a look, So abundance is not only good for the pocketbook, it is good for the face, for beauty. Scarcity ages us, abundance youthens (I just created a new word, feel free to use it) us. I didn't even comb my hair for the photo, just took it as I was radiating abundance. For me that is a stunning example of how profoundly we can shift our reality and even our appearance!
p.s.s. just had fun at my bank volunteering to help out in their vault and luxuriating in being surrounded by so much money. (they didn't take me up on my offer) I AM so abundant I am just totally surrounded by money. I have my friends at the bank doing the a bun dance too! party!

love this!

The Love Revolution - Matt Kahn/TrueDivineNature.comPlease subscribe to our YouTube channel and share these videos as you are inspired, and as they speak to your heart:...

some notes from his talk that I consider super valuable:

Yoho when get a bill get excited as opportunity showing new abundance; bill proves I’m abundant small number on credit card is all they are asking for, I have that smaller mount I have it therefore I am abundant and rich, I have everything I need exactly when I need it; whooho I’m wealthy; 3 months transform reality, windfall created and it did in three months; when see something willing to go for it relentlessly; notice all abundance in others;  abundance; manifestation cosmic word game; I love you to yourself and to everyone; “life will pay you to not worry when you spend your time loving yourself”, life cosmic word game, all words have energy, the words you say most often to yourself dictate how you feel about yourself and thus how the world sees you; there is no world just reflections of how you see yourself then you call forth actors to treat you the way you feel about yourself most often; “life is a play but are you playing yet?or are you lost in the play?” once you get everything you desire materially then life takes on a much bigger picture and you desire all beings around you to have the same joy and abundance you are experiencing; the kingdom is your own heart and you enter the kingdom by giving love to your own heart and becoming the safest person for you to be around one I love you at a time; the love revolution is the only way for this to unfold “I love you, every time you say it, your barriers your walls, your inner imprisonment dissolves. I love you, I love you”

a bun dance 2

I love breaking down words. How about letting your bum (tush, hinney, butt) dance today?

Abundance is the energy of permission. The more you permit yourself the right to desire what you want, express gratitude for what you have, and be excited for whatever comes you’re way, the more abundance you are bound to receive.

ps the picture from the a bun dance post below is from Oracle Report; I couldn't get them on the same page so I just gave up and did a bum dance :)

abundance or a bun dance


Sunday, March 23, 2014

coming Home, maintaining faith, erasing doubt


For me there is some major mojo in the air. It feels like something big is on the move and Friday I felt like my head could blow off and my body explode as it did its best to contain the expansion. I felt like I was on speed and downed numerous camille teas to try to calm down. I kept gritting my teeth as they were so on edge. Yet there was this incredible sense of arrival and of KNOWING. I was no longer resting in blind faith and trust, I KNEW that the vision I have had for myself is real, will manifest in time and that all is well. I had several possibilities landing on my doorstep and one is astonishing in its magnitude. Now this is coming from an arid desert of  little movement, success,  interest in my work, my passion, my commitment for almost a decade. I fell deeply into this journey in 1999 and have had little concrete indications that my vision was anything but a pipe dream. My last class in 2013 had exactly one student, my advertisements had almost no results and it looked like I was dead in the water. It was not easy to keep the faith with so little evidence to support me. My guides had assured me for a long time that 2014 was my year but their sense of things and mine seemed to be far apart sometimes so I did not know exactly what to expect. Yet Friday I KNEW in my body all would unfold as they had assured me, that I would be able to reach as many people as I desire with my message and gifts, that I would not be just fine financially but abundant (they say beyond my wildest dream yet my dreams can be pretty wild). This KNOWING happened once before when I put on a very fancy dress at Nordstrom and the feeling tone of my future life flooded my body. I felt such joy and the love that surrounded me as a pre recognition was all of my dreams alive in my body, doing a joy jig. Yet the years of exhaustion, scarcity, loneliness, trauma, terror, anguish, non recognition, almost no income from my work, few friendships, isolation, lack of results, eroded my confidence, my belief in my abilities, my vision. While my certainty and confidence have been increasing for some time, this last week has brought me absolute confidence in my abilities and my sense of self worth now feels rock solid. I also have more new friendships and social interactions this year then I have had since University. I am getting a number of emails expressing interest in my work. It is like I fell through the rabbit hole and ended up in a whole new world. My classes and gatherings are generating a lot of interest, people are receiving significant transformations from a few times being supported by me, I see and know quickly what the source of the challenge is, my intuition is often crystal clear. It seems my time in the cocoon is coming to an end and now I feel more concerned about how I will go from hermit to keeping up with the new demand. Wild. I share this with you as one of the most difficult aspects of this journey for me had been to keep the faith especially in the darkest hours. I would receive assurances from my guides of my rosy future yet when one is down on their knees, it is hard to see beyond the next moment. It was so hard sometimes not to stay in despair and think it would never end, never really change, never be anything like my dreams for my life.Yet now my most precious dream has come true, harmony in my home and within myself. I can't remember the last time I felt anxious and I am rarely overwhelmed. Now that is miracle territory. I share this for those of you still in the thick of things. Can you reach out and feel my hand holding yours, assuring you all will be well. One of my strongest wishes for myself was that I could have trusted more while immersed in transformation that I would emerge and finally find mySelf. I am tenacious for sure. Beloveds, can you believe in yourself and know your own inner wisdom will guide you Home? If not, feel free to borrow my faith for you. You see, I KNOW for you too if you are willing to do the work, go inside and bring anything that is not love to the light of day you will come Home to yourself. Will you believe me when I assure you it is so worth it? May you know the trust I often lacked, may it guide you Home.

Some post/Utube's I found supportive:

Here we go:

Marianne Williamson, mystical power of intimate relationships,

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Happy spring/ autumn

The season changes today either to spring or fall, depending on your hemisphere. In northern California the weather is glorious and I am slowly emerging out of 
flatland. An amazing opportunity is peeping out and indicates the possibility of my deepest dream and vision becoming a reality. I am delighted by how I can accept that a huge and previously almost unimaginable vision may drop into physical reality in the not too distant future. At sacred dance today tears of joy bathed my cheeks at almost the exact moment of the season change. SO much is transforming so quickly internally I cannot even comment on it. My new gardening joy has me surrounded by flowers and the scent of jasmine. The birds are serenading me. My very early birthday gift of a sensuous mermaid delights my eyes (thanks Janah). I feel a major paradigm shift underway. I sense huge opportunities about to unfold. I hope you will join me in celebration. Our bunny Moonlight literally just jumped on my lap as I was typing to add her greetings. Now that is a definite sign of a new fertile energy bathing us. ENJOY!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

let's talk!

I have always had the vision of creating an interactive community. It is so delicious to break those feelings of being isolated or alone. Sanna's contribution and voice has encouraged me to suggest again that you may enjoy adding your voice to anything I WRITE OR EVEN BEGINNING YOUR OWN TOPIC TO EXPLORE. Must be important as my computer decided to capitalize. So feel free to comment. I would so delight in hearing from you. Just add your comments below. Come on, you can do it!!!!


no worries

The first sign of faith is having nothing to worry about. If worry arises, it can be seen as the next one in line that is here to be loved as only you can love them. From this space, you are free to realize that it’s not a matter of having faith in a bigger picture, but placing all of your faith into the willingness to wholeheartedly embrace what captures your attention. Whatever arises, love that. This is the way of an awakened soul.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Saturday, March 15, 2014

angelic energy

This feels right on from
Saturday: Gibbous Moon Phase - trust, prepare, analyze, digest, magic
Sunday: Full Moon Phase (1:08 pm ET/5:08 pm UT): illumination, realization, relationships
Every year as the Sun moves to the last degrees of Pisces, we have a five day block of time that provides the most etheric, alchemic, esoteric, and angelic energy of the entire year.  This time begins Saturday.
This may feel rather conflicted with what is going on around you and what is going on in the world.  Perhaps you are not feeling particularly etheric or esoteric.  But this is the energy nonetheless.  It holds raw potential for successful manifestation/production in the physical world at a later time.  It is like someone gives us a fresh hunk of clay, we make a representation of something, and depending on how much emotional or physical energy is put into it, it manifests and animates in the real world later.
To do this most effectively, mindset is the key.  You have to believe.
To do this when there are so many things that do not look like a beautiful, fresh hunk of clay but look more like destruction, may seem like a feat.  But it is much less so when you step back and step above the situation.  This is the skill of moving out of the role of victim to see truth... 

Friday, March 14, 2014

new eyes, solar flares, comatose, shifts on blog

I had a dream fragment pop in my head upon waking. I found a forgotten glass case and inside were my favorite pair of gorgeous glasses that I had also forgotten about. I was so happy to find them.

I sense the dream is telling me forgotten vision is being restored to me. My ability to see is being renewed. Yesterday was rough as my level of exhaustion was so intense that the fog was incapacitating. I later read there was one or more large solar flares, surprise, surprise. My daughter says I blame everything on solar flares and perhaps I do. Yet yesterday was major ouch.
I am understanding in all new ways how my thoughts, words, emotions, vision create my reality so I am shifting one aspect of the way I write this blog. Part of my purpose has been to reduce feelings of shame or aloneness for others by being transparent about my inner world. Yet now that I am  more clear than ever that  those words are shaping my lived experience combined with my current practice of no complaining, in the future I will most likely NOT being sharing my challenges as I do not want to give them any further energy or attention, knowing they create my future. 

I noticed after the pummeling yesterday that my body was so much more fluid and graceful at my NIA dance class today. I was delighting with my own movement. I am also being bathed in a scrumptious new optimism, faith, certainty all is well. Mind you I have little physical evidence to base this on, particularly financially yet little giggles of joy are permeating my being and I feel myself slowly popping out of flatland, at least in this moment. I am seriously considering buying myself a beguiling new hat just because spring is in the air.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

The Healing Time

The Healing Time
Finally on my way to yes
                                                I bump into
                                                all the places
                                                where I said no
                                                to my life
                                                all the untended wounds
                                                the red and purple scars
                                                those hieroglyphs of pain
                                                carved into my skin, my bones,
                                                those coded messages
                                                that send me down
                                                the wrong street
                                                again and again
                                                where I find them
                                                the old wounds
                                                the old misdirections
                                                and I lift them
                                                one by one
                                                close to my heart
                                                and I say holy

© Pesha Joyce Gertler

thank you Natana

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


These are exciting times in terms of our ability to create. I just sent this email to members of my Mastering the Energy of Love gathering. I decided to also send it to my Love lights family. May it find you celebrating life:
 I am including below some interesting excerpts from articles I received today. 
I wanted to explain further what I meant when I said that with the intensity of the energy bathing the Earth, these shifts to Love are no longer optional. What I meant is that as the power of our thoughts, beliefs and emotions intensify in their ability to create we are at a choice point. Do we  wish to co-create the lives of our dreams by being  willing to take the time, energy and courage to dive into our shadow, our conditioning to free ourselves from unconscious creation or are we willing to allow our conditioning to determine our feelings and thoughts which will then create our world haphazardly?

To dive into our shadow materiel takes courage and a sense of safety. While we can seek situations that give us a sense of safety which often feels particularly vital when we begin dancing with our shadows, ultimately we must all find inner safety. Some of the best ways to do that are to spend time in silence, in nature and in saying I love you to ourselves a few minutes a day, out loud. When we show our commitment to our own wholing, the Universe steps in with the exact steps we need to return to our own Essence and True nature.

This wallpaper is selected to support us in not taking all of this too seriously. Rather remember to sing and dance, finding something each day for which to be grateful.

in love,

Now as the Moon comes into fullness work with the polarity of strengthening your connection and trust in Spirit while you take those practical steps necessary to bring your plans into fruition.  Bring into high focus the truth that every thought you put your powerful attention and intention on is coming into manifestation and you will be using this fire/air Mystic Rectangle energy well.  
Written by Patricia Liles.  Contact her at

... because this is what ecstasy needs in order to thrive in us...a safe haven.  We can learn to create this for ourselves with practices of Self-Love, and we also become this to one another when we make these self-loving choices.  I also love that this image depicts well that ecstasy isn't always wild and energetic.  One of the sweetest ecstasies of all is deep, true rest.  And there are millions of other ways ecstasy can be experienced, and manifest, and heal our lives, bodies and hearts... 

Savannah Hanson, M.A., MFT #40422
Cellular Memory Release Practitioner

Monday, March 10, 2014

twinkles of joy

The flat land state seems to be diminishing today. I planted many gorgeous flowers, my jasmine smells so sweet, I can see eighty miles to the costal range, the day is crisp and clear and I feel good. Over the weekend I received another compliment that was very meaningful. My daughter told me she does not to do anything special for me as I am already joyful. As one of my deepest concerns has been how my passage through the ascension wringer was affecting her with my diminished energy, joy and availability, this was good news indeed. The bonus was a belated Valentine foot rub. Things are looking up.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

limbo and compliment

Feeling bit bizarre lately in weird limbo state varying from boredom, to indifference, to unclarity. It is as though everything in my life is under review and each element of my life goes off line with me being bored or indifferent to it or pissed off at it. Then later I must decide to bring it back into my life. Every relationship has been affected, even my life purpose. Finally got my conscious parenting class going, a long held dream and I was strangely indifferent even not wanting it. Loved it as it happened yet still can’t really care about it. Fluctuating each relationship to see if it truly lines up. Started divorce proceedings yesterday ending 23 1/2 year relationship 3 years and 3 days after separating. At peace with it.
This limbo state is hard to navigate, major reboot under way.

I got a very valuable compliment yesterday. My 13 year old told me she was glad I was a therapist. When I asked her why she said because I was so wise. Praise indeed from a teenager!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

time smear and neutrality/ limbo

My entire sense of time is so different from what it was. The weeks seem to merge one into the other and before I now it, another week has passed. I must do a lot not to forget things, people's names, where I know them from, what happened an hour ago, a day ago, last week. Time just seems to smear together. The other thing that is happening is increased neutrality. It does not feel good. Little excitements me one way or the other. I am also experiencing minimal joy or pleasure. I have a rash over my heart, I buzz a lot in my body, I have had headaches, high blood pressure, yesterday very high heart rate. I mention all of these things because one part of my mission is to normalize what is occurring. As we have never been through such an experience, it is easy to think this or that is only happening to you. I only know one person I speak to regularly who is going through a similar intensity. I wish I knew more about how others are experiencing all of this. So this is my gift, my offering. I use to doubt my gifts, wonder if they are truly valuable. I still do yet less all the time.

I am also feeling the need to focus on gratitude and joy, to shift focus away from the heaviness. I am grateful for the two waterfalls on my land yesterday, for how well my new class went, for being healthy, for having a home, for time to myself, for silence, for my daughter and friends, for increasing abilities and clarity, for life.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

feel good

You can feel good all the time. You can be happy all the time. It occurs once you realize that feeling good and being happy has absolutely nothing to do with what you want. To only be happy and feel good when you get what you want is the definition of hell. Equally so, to be happy and feel good, whether or not you get what you want is the discovery of heaven. This is why heaven and hell both exist in the same eternal space. In its most simple terms, it has nothing to do with what you want, but how attached you are to getting what you want that determines the quality of your experience.

In its most simple terms, awakening is forgetting what you want and enlightenment is forgetting how to want. This is realized, simply by recognizing the center of ego, as the seeking, maintaining and defending of what you’ve always wanted. As ego dissolves, the idea of wanting unravels and can be seen as a limiting belief that suggests how much better you’ll feel once different circumstances, outcomes and characters show up in your life. The more ego dissolves, you begin to see how untrue this belief happens to be. In reality, you won’t feel better once different things show up, since you only feel limited, insecure, disconnected from Source, unlovable, fearful, sad, arrogant, angry, or defeated as a result of waiting for different things to show up.

In the absence of believing that you’ll feel better once different things appear in your life, the idea of wanting unravels – leaving you with nothing to seek, maintain, or defend. This is the grace of true heartfelt liberation. It helps you see that when caught in the grip of endless wants, you become equally fearful of whatever threatens to take it from you. Once you’re afraid of losing something, most moments in time are preoccupied with seeking whatever you believe will make you feel differently or anticipating the demise of whatever you’re afraid to lose. As liberation dawns in your heart, you don’t stop wanting or avoid it in any way. Instead, you suddenly find yourself forgetting what you want or even how to want it. If you forgot what you wanted or even how to want it, how could happiness be taken from you?

No matter the spiritual path that you choose to explore, the grace of true liberation is often revealed in silence. This is because the act of being silent is one of the most direct ways to unravel the belief that you want and must acquire whatever you imagine. When you no longer believe that you’ll feel differently once different circumstances, outcomes or characters show up in your life, you are free to experience the passion of wanting without an attachment to seeking, maintaining, or defending anything at all. From this space, you will also be able to consciously use your imagination without forcing yourself to believe that you want or even need whatever comes to mind.

While liberation is a wonderful relief once it is revealed, it cannot ever be exactly what you’ve wanted it to be. Otherwise, a brand new ego structure has been created, where the game continues in a different costume, often times, in search of spiritual things to want, seek, maintain and defend.

Monday, March 3, 2014

irritants and the Divine masculine

I have had so many irritants lately that if I were allowed to complain I might call it a conspiracy! They range from the serious to the mundance. Luckily I have recently finished a book called Oneness by Rasha and she talks about this phenomena. Also luckily it was toward the end of the book so I am hoping it is one of the last phases of this monstrous, opps, I meant amazing journey. So for a few weeks one thing or another pops up to freak me out or drive me nuts. They usually have to do with things I do not know how to resolve. Figuring them out is forcing me into restoring my Divine Masculinity to greater wholeness. Just this morning my bathroom door jammed shut on a partially opened drawer. The entrance is so narrow that a drawer that is right next to the door jammed the door closed even though it was only open about an inch and even though the door was more than willing to close, just not to reopen. So initially I felt literally panic and unsure what to do. My mind raced. I tried to come from an outside window but it was only narrowly open and I couldn't get the screen off. I immediately forced myself to calm down and slow down. I decided to let it go, leave for yoga as planned and deal with it when I returned. I also called my trusty wasband for advice and he did offer to help me when next he is here (thank you). I got back, realized my screen idea was a bust, the window idea wouldn't work and felt flummoxed. I then decided in my new, this is it and I am not going to budge way that I was going to get it open, not my daughter, not my wasband, not a handyman.  I tried a few more things before I stuck a very long knife into the barely open crack, jammed it into the wood drawer and shoved the drawer back a bit.  SUCCESS! I go into detail as I feel like at least 3-4 times a day I am clueless how to resolve some dilemma. It seems to be just part of the process (oh joy). It seems to serve a few purposes; resetting the nervous system to neutral, rebalancing Divine Masculine and Feminine, forcing me to realize I am way more capable than I think and a few other things which I know forgot. The point being that now when I decide a crisis is not a crisis, calm down, slow down and shift gears, the situation seems to immediately resolve itself. Just passing this on in case you find yourself in the same boat.


Please join me in sending a love wave to our sisters and brothers in the Ukraine and Russia.

letting go of complaining

 I heard a sermon yesterday about complaining. The ministers suggested letting it go. She offered the imagery of a person getting off a plane and bitching and moaning about the flight. Another person gets off the same plane and shares how grateful they are to be with the people who have picked him/her up. They share how thrilled they are to be visiting. The minister asked who you would prefer to greet. I had just been reflecting on how much easier my life  is when the people around me don't complaint, do keep a more neutral or positive attitude. It feels so much easier. Mind you, I am a reformed drama queen so I know my canning the bitching makes others' lives easier. So I have committed to erasing my remaining complaints. The complaining is way down from previous years yet I can still bitch about ascension, being tired, anything that still stirs up anxiety or overwhelm. So the exercise the minister suggested is to wear a bracelet and switch the special bracelet I am wearing if I complaint about anything, to my other wrist as a physical reminder to cool it. I do this until I am 21 days complaint free. I imagine it will have a wonderful impact on my energy. Let's have a party; time to free ourselves from the heaviness of the ascension journey as much as possible. Feel free to join me. I am curious to experiment.

like Dad?

Eight years ago I first got clear that my daughter was exhibiting many traits similar to my father who has been my most challenging relationship given my sensitive nervous system and his frequent raging. So much of what I have had to release has come from what arose in my childhood with such a father. So I was less than thrilled when at age 5, I saw how my daughter was also bossy, angry, controlling. Someone suggested to me that the anger was actually mine and my daughter was only presenting my unexpressed anger. I was like, no way. I could not recognize, see, even feel my own anger. Yet as I have restored this aspect of myself to wholeness, released the life long anxiety, seen my own anger and even, very occasionally, rage, my daughter is still very willful yet rarely angry, seldom bossy, all the traits that I had found most difficult. As I came to peace with her behavior and owned my side of it, those characteristics evaporated. This is something to truly give one pause. I just saw a short clip about family constellations and how members of this generation can carry charges from previous generations trauma. Something to really consider before we blame a member of our family for something we don't like. I have been eating projections non stop lately and continue to be surprised how hidden they can be. I am no longer occupied with cleaning the closest in my home, back to cleaning the inner closets. I am sure my daughter is very relieved.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

who understands?


So much happening and I am sensing a definite lightness creeping in my world. So much I wish to share. Big excitement. I was able to help with my daughter’s 7th grade play, hear the kids shrieking in excitement, sell tickets and food with lots of people around and actually enjoy it it. For the last few years my ability to be in the world slowly increases yet being in a crowd, being super busy and active and enjoying it, well I can’t remember the last time that was true. YEA!
I am big time on the trail of projections and find them like numerous weed in the garden of my consciousness. I just had one pop up with a friend. He is a dear friend for decades yet since being deeply immersed in my ascension journey we have drifted apart. He is a very successful business man and our worlds diverged dramatically. WhenI would test the waters of actually sharing my experience, he would make a joke or sarcastic remark so I would back off. He recently emailed me very openly and I decided to take a chance and be vulnerable again. He responded with sarcasm and I was hurt. I decided not to let it go as I have for many years and I emailed him, carefully removing any judgments I thought. NOT! He had the courage to call me and tell me how angry he was. My careful constructed story where I was the innocent victim fell apart and I realized I had projected my sadness that the world does not sufficiently understand or appreciate me fell on his shoulders. I do feel appreciated by him yet not understood by a long shot. I could own how I never shared openly yet somehow blamed him for not being a good listener. I love how quickly I can catch projections these days. First, he got the load I feel toward the whole planet. Second, do I fully love, appreciate and understand myself? Do I judge myself for being so dysfunctional for so long. Oh yea baby, pay dirt. Yes, he was not always a great listener, yes he was sarcastic but I withheld and blamed him. Part of it was very appropriate as I don’t believe he could understand and I see no point sharing with deaf ears. I doubt he can understand much of my experience.. Who can understand this shit unless they’ve lived it, right? But the dirty laundry that got exposed is how I have judged myself, not understood my self how difficult yet necessary this ascension journey has been with all the attached fall out and chaos. Ascending in a 3D world is no walk in the park. Do I see how valuable and courageous I am? Do I deeply appreciate myself and the monumental shifts I have made? That would be a yes and no. My heart is now unwilling to tolerate any no, any self judgment, any lack of self appreciation or understanding. So once again the Universe provided me with the perfect opportunity and I can go eat some humble pie while reopening the channel of tenderness perhaps with my friend and me. At least everything will be in the open.
I write this as I know many of you feel misunderstood, not seen, unappreciated. Perhaps it will help a smidgen to know I might very well understand you at least partially, I do appreciate you and you are most certainly loved. You are not alone, however it might appear to the contrary