Friday, May 31, 2013

dead or alive

This is a piece I wrote for a writing class I am taking. I am having trouble focusing now as the energy downloads are rather intense. I wished to further clarify the process I have followed to free myself but am not currently up to it. This piece speaks to my history and to how, after many years of training in Cellular Memory Release, I was able to use the muscle I had developed with years of experience, to stay present to my own terror and despair. Unfortunately, facing and feeling these ancient fears in our bodies is the only way I have found to release them. This no longer seems to be an optional exercise rather it is a vital, life saving necessity. My hope is that piece will somehow light the path for others.

I didn’t even realize I was dead. After all, I’d traveled to over 75 countries, had a master's in spiritual psychology, owned my own house, had numerous boyfriends and then a spouse so it is easy to understand why I had never recognized that in the most critical way, I was dead.  Was my heart still beating? Technically, yes. Yet what was slowly dawning on me was that I had been mainlining other people to give me even the appearance of life. Everything I had done since maybe the age of 12 was ultimately designed to do one thing, gain love. 
For decades that had seemed to work and bring it’s own passions and satisfactions. Yet it all came to a screeching halt that day in the Denver airport. I was pacing back and forth down an over lit corridor, trying to run from the feelings inside that threaten to burst through this skin suit. The pressure inside my skull felt uncontainable. The agony arose when my husband was again not available when I needed him, hadn’t been available for days whenever I was able to get cell reception. Reduced to a primitive state where even motor function was difficult, shaking and trembling so that I could barely dial the phone for the twentieth time, I was neglecting my young daughter huddled in the waiting room. After we boarded the plane, I was locked in my seat for hours, due to turbulence. I finally had to tear off a page of a magazine to collect all the snot running down my nose with the tears. The man crowded into the next seat leaned as far into the aisle as he could. My tears wouldn’t stop no matter how many stares I got. That was the beginning of the end.
The middle of the end was a barren winter night. As my desperate attempts to patch together a dying relationship failed and my marriage continued to dissolve, I felt a yawning emptiness fill me to the point where again my body could not contain the torment. I could no longer hide from my terror of not being loved. Even though for years I had sensed I should end the marriage, the realization it was ending now had carried me way beyond panic. My despair thrust me outside into the only corner of the deck without windows peering on to it. I huddled in a chair as my head drooped. My heavy winter coat was no barrier to the cold invading every pore of my being. I felt frozen, beyond reach. Even when my husband and daughter shouted at me to wake up, I could not respond. I was dead. I heard her say she would call 911. I could barely move my lips to tell them not to bother. I was beyond resuscitation.
They pleaded with me to come inside yet something prohibited me from reentering that house. I had been very dramatic all my life yet this lack of life force left me too desolate to care about anything, not even my beloved daughter. I literally felt incapable of returning inside that house until I could find a reason to live, a reason to move. My daughter brought me hot tea to combat the frigid darkness. I sat for hours, days, eons. Nothing moved inside. Until a tiny spark flickered in a corner of my being. So small I could barely detect it. Perhaps because of my love for my daughter, I became alert and watchful. What was it? I suddenly had the urge to pour my emptiness into words. I grabbed a scrape of paper, the stub of a pencil and began to write.
Someone asked me recently how I have found a fleeting yet life affirming inner state where I recognize myself and all that I meet as the beloved, as pure love, as a force that is the most true thing I have ever experienced. For me that beingness is like having been lost in space for millennium and slowly catching a glimpse of earth. The sense of homecoming is a powerful return to a familiar yet long lost state. It is my heart expanding, energy pouring through every cell of my being, a vastness and clarity that can not be touched with words. I am attempting the impossible, trying to capture revelation in words. Yet if I do not make the attempt, how else can I inspire you to take this journey, to access this mystery. Because the only way I have found to be fully alive, to reach a lasting love, a joy that is not conditional, is to physically dive into anything and everything that obstructs that way of being, to allow it complete expression. That means diving into every pure emotion from joy, to grief, to rage, to fear, to love. I have been around the world twice seeking an easier path, yet I have not found one. The only way out is through fully allowing the raw sensations that arise in our bodies as we face our deepest fear. I know the cost sounds impossibly steep, yet everything inside of me yearns to assure you the ensuing reality of homecoming is absolutely worth the price of admission.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

cracking a self identity

Beloveds, as I mentioned earlier a significant shift is occurring inside. The latest is I recognize it is time to crack a false self identity that has haunted me for years. I see myself as somehow defective for being a light worker, for spending so much time in silence, for not being more "productive" in a worldly sense. Even now as I wrote the word productive I realized how much I have been seduced by the world's view of rpoductive. Part of me views my quest for embodying love in a way that feels authentic to me as not enough, as me needing to doing something more. I now see this is why my relative's words calling me a irresponsible numbskull still grate at me. Part of me still accepts that judgment of myself and of course that is incredibly painful.
I am still finding it much easier to be in dialogue rather than the one way street of this blog. I love you all and think of you daily yet  I must stay aligned with what works for me. My attention is so focused on absorbing all the incoming energy that little is left over for other pursuits. Here are some further comments I made on TWYH.  Perhaps it will be of service to someone:

thank you. The funny thing is I got zero response on FB. Who knows if anyone even read it? The important thing is I did it and I know the inner space it created. And it is so lovely to feel heard and seen here. Yes, it makes a difference as it is so foreign to be heard and accepted as I am.
 I realized that it was one of only two times all my siblings with spouses were together and then in a very public place he has to announce I am an irresponsible numbskull? Not the most brilliant or wise remark and now I do have to take time to wonder why he would feels so strongly. The ironic thing is he basically followed in my footsteps 20 years later by selling everything and buying a yacht to live on. I never thought of it until this moment yet perhaps he admired my courage in living my dream. When he said it, I had just returned from a number of years living and traveling around the world. Wow, puts a whole new spin on it. In this moment I see how he only mirrored my own self judgment. I am aware of a self image of myself as irresponsible, non productive not making the best use of my life. Then I judge myself for my time in silence and for not getting out there with marketing or job searching. It is me that wonders if I lost my marbles. I knew this before and see it more clearly now, my own doubts about the reality and validity of this ascension. I believe consciously I accept it, yet semi-consciously part of me still sees myself as a numbskull. Time to say goodbye to that last self hatred. I realize he did me a huge favor by bring this to my consciousness. It just took 20 years to get the lesson. That is why it still rankled because it is still inside me. Others' criticisms don't bother me as they don't land inside because I don't believe it. I sense this may be the last egg to pop. Better get cracking!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

scary- coming out of the light worker closet

OMG I just posted my True Identity on Facebook. This is really scary for me as I inadvertently invited a number of members of my family of origin to be my friends on FB. I did not know how it worked when I agreed to have FB invite all my contacts. I had thought of coming out of the closet for a while and said, yes, maybe in a few months. Yikes! I just did it! Wish me luck! A very hurtful remark a relative made at my sister's wedding and one made at a cousin's wedding over two decades ago had haunted me and kept me from revealing myself to my east coast, doctors/lawyers/bankers even a senator family. Well, the cat's out of the bag. I just did it a minute ago. Let's see what unfolds. Here's what I said and the post that helped me decide to make the leap.

A new post I just found and enjoyed. I am a light worker and slowly allowing myself to come out of the Light worker closet and admit this truth to others, in particular to my family. Feels scary but it is time. Until know I have only shared my knowledge and deeper truths with those of like mind. To even consider sharing it with family was very frightening. I let several hurtful remarks made literally almost two decades ago stop me from revealing my inner world to anyone who might again criticize or make fun of me. I am sure some will think I have lost my marbles but so be it. What I know to be true is the I am finding Home and that is a treasure worth any price.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

post wormhole

Yup, I set myself up again thinking post wormhole would be mellower. NOT, at least for me so far. I got caught in spin energy, the icanttakeitanymorethiswillneverend bummer mind. I did recognize it right away and call in the Truth about who I am even though I really didn't believe it. I was smart enough to call a friend and together we pulled each other out of the hole, thank you Marie. I am not really thrilled with the intensity/challenge word yet I have found no escape except to dive in with Trust. It ain't easy but I don't know how to get around it so might as well do my best to sail through it. My loves, keep the faith. Sending you so much love and a post that might explain the challenges. These times are definitely not for the faint of heart.

And a sweet message from Lee Harris on his facebook page:

Never more than now are many of you looking to draw something good to yourselves. Many of you have bargained with your higher selves or the universe saying you cannot go on unless you are given something to help keep you afloat. If this is you, the something you need is YOU. 

If you are trying to recover from something, replenish yourself. Place a hand on your heart and say to yourself, “I give myself my own love.” It is a powerful statement. I give myself my own love. Some of you will feel it going through the hand back into the heart recycling what it is you send out. A lot of love escapes your body from this point, so send it back in. The heart is a magnet when it is full. ~~Ziadora through Lee, from Re-Magnetizing the Heart

sweet ritual to close out the eclipse

I just did this ritual to pass through a fear that is arising in me this morning. Wanted to pass it on.

The Moon is in Sagittarius till 2:30pm PDT today, which means it is still in the powerful reverberations with the eclipse for another 7 hours or so. In fact, it is in a state called "void," which means it is not very active with any other planets. This makes today profoundly inward-directed. Today offers a wonderful opportunity to turn within and really allow things that don't serve you to drop away.

Even if you can only manage this for a few minutes, the benefit can be great. Take a moment to be still and quiet, recognize some habit or pattern that you feel ready to release and light a candle in its honor. Then ask your higher self to help you to drop it forever and blow the candle out as a symbol of the power you have within you to choose freedom. You created all your habits and patterns and only you can un-create them. Now is the time and nothing short of your own freedom and joy is at stake.

Friday, May 24, 2013


I am noticing it is easier for me to be in dialogue right now.  The monologue of this blog (with the exception of you B.J., thank you) isn't inspiring me just now. I delight in the community at and so will post below some slightly altered comments I made there today. I do wish to extend to every member of my blog family my deepest wish for the highest level of transformation and embodiment of Christ consciousness available today through the eclipse. I love you and wish you all joy.


I keep crying because in this moment the love is so ALIVE in me. Another bird is calling to me. The elementals are so responsive to the field. All my plants look like they took some kind of miracle grow.
Wowie zowie, Batman. Just read the full post (at and a big YES to it. So much confirmation of my inner experience. I was sensing increasingly how I was holding in my own field, no longer jerked hither and yon with every passing breeze. I have noticed for a few weeks how others gravitate to me, notice me, want to touch me. I sensed they were picking up a vibration. And most of all, even though I was too exhausted to care for a while and was way beyond hope or expectations, this KNOWING has been creeping in. I think I used the word knowing a number of times in my other comments. After 13 long years, part of me was definitely skeptical and tried to shut up the knowing with a dismissive, “yea, right” yet KNOWING just won’t quit. I honestly believe I may have altered my destiny a few weeks ago at the doctor’s office when I refused, despite a horrible genetic history, to have cancer, despite any evidence to the contrary and despite having already outlived both parents premature death to cancer, my father’s by a few weeks and I was a week away from living longer than my mother. The technician  showed me the spot after a previous "positive" result and I kept repeating the mantra “it is nothing,” I DIDN’T BUY THE FEAR! I chose a different route than Angelina Jolie, as much as I respect that she made the right decision for her. I FELT THE POWER, THE UNLIMITEDNESS AND I SAID NO TO ILLNESS. Who knows what actually happened yet in that moment I felt power roar through my body. Yes, it is hard for me to be HOME and then return to dross, to separation. Yet sure as I am alive I KNOW my game, my play is to enjoy the process of ending the separation within and then spreading the word THROUGH MY BEING!!! Every bird, plant, animal for miles around is supporting me in that knowing. I am so proud and amazed by this powerful group of warriors and goddesses. We are amazing and soooo courageous. Lauren, you are the mama goddess.You get to be at the head of the future bliss bunnies. I say this without hope or expectation, it is real, it is now, we are Home.

p.s. when other's connect to my field, it feels either neutral, good or even uplifting, not draining.  delicious.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

lunar eclipse and truth about love and fear

I like this information about the upcoming lunar eclise. Enjoy the ending of the wormhole tomorrow/Saturday. I intend to do a ritual to solidify one portal on this land and open another. Powerful times.

Dana | Visioning The Dream Awake

and I love this from Lauren Gorgo's Facebook page:

If your wondering how exactly you can effectuate the most change in your life, in the world, and even at the universal level: Just BE LOVE.

How, specifically, do you just BE LOVE?

"You BE LOVE by refusing to fall into negativity or fear. It's as simple as that. Each time you override a thought of fear with LOVE, each time you remember that ALL IS PERFECT AND WELL, you have won. Then, remain in LOVE, call on LOVE, breathe LOVE in and out. That is all.

Additionally, if you do this with intent to spread LOVE you multiply the flow of adamantine particles which are controlled only by LOVE. Similar to negative ions, these sacred particles release enormous pressure on the earth & humanity by easing tension and soothing strain. We simply can't think of a better way to change your life and the world."
-Pleiadian High Council

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

intense transformation

I am in a period of intense inner transformation I feel everything and everyone reaching out to support me, to support all of us in coming home to ourselves. A bluebird just tapped on my window, many have been landing on the rail when I am outside. Two coyotes sauntered by a few days ago. A deer held my gaze for over a minute yestersay. The birds sing such a sweet song. Even the wind chimes serenade me with their symphony. Two more days of the ellipse wormhole; beloveds focus on what you desire and know it is on it's way to you. Know that all is well. Do your best not to buy drama or focus on what you do not want. Together, we are invincible.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

new resource

This woman's work and mission resonate so completely with mine. I hope it will serve you too. Very intense times with so many opportunities for healing and awakening. Much of my energy is still directed to internal shifts right now. I look forward to the time when I will be able to be more out in the world again.
May the road rise up to meet you. Much love. savannah

and an interesting UTube from her asking for our service opening portals and gateways during the eclipse wormhole:  

Friday, May 17, 2013

tips for exhaustion

Here is a comment I made on Brenda's blog. I am feeling fairly well despite huge influxes of energy and insufficient sleep. I am so clear we are about to take off on a magic carpet ride. I have felt well for three days running! Now for me that is miracle territory lately. Let's see where the ride takes us. For now, no energy to write in depth.

Seems many of us having same experience of exhaustion and eating a lot, including sugar. I know a number of people having same symptoms including me.
The exhaustion got so bad for me I was afraid it could take me out. Here’s what I learned. A lot of it was my mind running my experience of the past; i.e, 5 hours of sleep third day in a row, you must be exhausted. I needed to stop having any thoughts about the lack of sleep, not easy i know. I have needed to stop trying to control my sleep, another excellent ego lesson. I can have no opinion about how much or how little I sleep. I try not to look at the clock so I actually don’t know how much I slept, easier then to keep the mind out. I affirm I always get exactly as much sleep as I need to move through whatever needs moving through. Sometimes 5 or 6 hours feels so delicious and then I say to myself, I am sleeping like a baby and I do. For me the main thing was to surrender and stop giving it my power.
An excellent book for stopping the mind/conditioning games is called “Busting Loose of the Money Game.” I am teaching a class now using that book and I needed to use the technique called the Process so far about 12 times today to bust loose of things I was getting upset about and thus giving my power too. It is about reclaiming our power and true identity from any limitation. 

See you in my dreams.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

i stand corrected

My dear friend Uschi pointed something out to me. She talked about how on one hand my daughter can not and should “save me” as I spoke about in my second mother’s day post. On the other hand, she does. Paradox, again. I immediately got what she meant. My daughter must do whatever is true for her. Yet I recognizing that her presence in my life has been one of my greatest gifts. There were times when her love and care felt like the last thread keeping me from going under. Being in contact with the unconditional love she emanated as a baby was one of the most healing experiences of my life. For the first five years of her life, I did not feel separation, the plague of my existence. I felt bathed in continuous connection and love. So yes, she did and does save me merely through her existence. We are constantly supporting each other through our being. This is so vital and should never be discounted. I want to acknowledge and thank everyone and everything that has ever ‘“saved” me. Most of us have no clue what a gift we are to others. I am glad she helped me recognize the need to clarify that point.

to move or not to move

I have been feeling discouraged and inert, unmotivated and blah. It is hard to get myself moving. Yet luckily I had the intuition to set up various task that must be done. I notice that when I finally drag myself up and get moving, I invariably feel better. I make myself go to yoga, teach my class, clean up the house and lo and behold, I feel better. Yet I notice I was slowly creeping into self judgment and comparison. My friend is in better shape then me, why am I so lazy, unmotivated etc. I notice this ALWAYS drags me down. It is better for me to remember to say, oh, I feel unmotivated and it is leaving. Then if I can shift my attention to anything else and not focus on the problem, I feel better. So simple to remember. I feel... and it is leaving. Easy, right?
This blog is spot on for what is going on for me and gave me the motivation to get out of bed. Perhaps it will speak to you too.  then push the blog button, May 14, 2013

Sunday, May 12, 2013

mother's day lesson, expectations hurt

Ah well. I was doing so good until the crash and burn. I was so prepared for my birthday, releasing all expectations and false beliefs, I forgot to clear myself for mother's day. My expectations were so low I felt sure they would be met. I just wanted somebody to make me a cappuccino; is that too much to ask? Apparently yes.  I was so certain my wish would be fulfilled it felt safe to put energy into it. Yet all turned out differently. 

Here's how it unfolded. I let go my expectations of gifts or cards but hearing how my love of cappuccinos had been discussed ahead of time, I thought my wish would be granted. Things were looking good until one potential donor seemed too wiped out to comply and the other revolted. So here's how I reacted. Big tears and sadness. Here's what I told myself, "no one cares about me, no one loves me." This was after receiving two of the most delicious hugs of my life and several hours snuggling. I mention this because to me now in hindsight I am almost stunned at how quickly a lie can appear true. My wasband was again on lawn duty he proscribes to himself, my daughter was helping me learn some games and other sweet activities. But I had to have my cappuccino or a present. Now my daughter never responds to manipulation, commands, demands. Sure enough, under my supposed gentle request was a hidden demand that she sniffed out from a thousand paces. She is the only one with whom I still carry any signifiant energy of special relationship. If she doesn't love me, grant me my boons, shower me with love the way I want it to show up and when I want it to show up, it doesn't count. I went out on my hammock in the blistering heat and had a pity party. It wasn't pretty. I fell for it again like it was the first time. No one loved me.

Now I had heard that post the last solar eclipse a few days ago, we would be able to process the BS, ego dramas lickety split. Sure enough within about 10 minutes, I began to question my drama. Hadn't she just hugged me and told me several times she loved me? So why was I doing this to myself, burying myself in sorrow? Because my conditioning told me it was true. I came in and tried Non Violent Communication, manipulative style. Poor, poor pitiful me, if you cared about me you'd do this. That you can't do this little ity bitty thing for me means you don't care. Lucky for me, she didn't go into the rescue game like most people would. Yea, I guilt tripped her and I am guessing I created pain and maybe even shame in her. I am not blaming myself because I was not a conscious being in those moments, I was a bundle of reaction. Just grateful these dang 12 year olds are too smart to buy the sob story.
Trust me, that's NOT how I felt in the moment. I was still VERY SAD. But I went back to my hammock and decided to see if there was another way to look at this. I had to have my good cry and allow the emotions to run through my body. Attempting to stop or diminish them would have just locked this new pain into my cellular memory. 
No thanks. 
So I had the wherewithal to allow the emotions to sweep through my body. It was not fun. I felt about two years old and very sad. Yet within maybe another ten minutes, I was looking to see a way out. It almost immediately came to me that I was being manipulative and that was a more likely explanation of why she would not comply rather than my initial story that she didn't love me. I immediately saw how many ways she had proved she loved me already this day. Just not the ways I was looking for, that I was conditioned to believe mattered. I also witnessed what I believed was a soul agreement where she got to play the role I assigned to her, to help me set myself free. I am trying to detail this because most of you might think I was being silly or childish. Of course I was. This is what we do when we are caught in our conditioning. I am sure your wounds and stories look different from mine. Yet the liberation is always the same, to recognize we are believing illusion, that we are believing in some form of fear and forgetting our own Essence which is always Love. I can not be separated from love even if she screams she hates me (she has), she chooses never to see me again or whatever she may choose to do. If I make her or anyone the source of love in my life, I am at her mercy and I will manipulate, trick, cajole to save myself. There is no freedom, no true love. Does this make sense?
So I got off it. I began to appreciate the love that was showing up in my life the way it was showing up even though it didn't look the way I wanted. I began to see how many gifts I am blessed with. I felt sorry I had caused a scene. Unfortunately, I wasn't quite done. 
 That is a good mother’s day. That is a good mother’s day.
My wasband made the mistake of asking me if I'd had a good mother's day. Now more loving behaviors had come down the pike since my hammock tears. Yet I still had to say no. I hadn't gotten my bloody cappuccino. No wonder no one in my family ever wants to hear that word again. Can you blame them? He looked so sad and promised to take me to dinner next year. O.K., now I am sad and so over my demanding manipulative ways. I want to take my words and behaviors back. I really see how much they both care for me. How could I have been so blind? Ah well. Now I was truly done with the whole thing. My eyes opened again and I was back home inside myself.
I bet you won’t be surprised to hear that just before they left, my daughter handed me a bracelet she had just made for me and my wasband brought up the flowers he had forgotten to give me.  There is nothing like no longer needing it Later I made myself a gorgeous cappaccino. I know there is more to this story yet for now the lesson is learned. Now that is a good mother's day.

happy mother's day

A huge hug of gratitude to all the mothers of every kind, mother's of children, of animals, plants and the mother of us all, Sophia, our beloved Earth. May each of you know the gift that you are and recognize how much you contribute through your dedication an devotion. YOU are SO APPRECIATED and LOVED!!!

Tuesday, May 7, 2013


Today is my official rebirthday. I was born at 1:42 p.m. in Ohio. How ideal that the black moon transited the galactic center less than an hour and a half after my birth moment, adding to my intention and knowing that this birthday is carrying for me the energy of rebirth. Whether your birthday is today or not, will you join me in diving into the energy of rebirth?

I am feeling rebirth quality for a number of reasons; i lived past both my parents' age, I have cleared most of my deepest wounds, I rarely am triggered by so many of the things that used to send me around the bend and the energy of transformation is so spectacular now it feels like I am on the rebirth roller coaster.

Last year my birthday was agony as I set a deep intention to free myself of the belief that no one loved me unless I got a certain number of presents. I know it is crazy yet the link was so powerful in my mind that it literally held me captive for so many years and caused my dear wasband endless grief. Today my plans changed numerous times and I ended up spending the day alone. Last year that was a trial I set for myself. This year being alone is a delight. I had several celebrations before and will have one after today. I am totally thrilled to sit on my deck on this cool, cloudy day and revel in my own Presence. This is miracle territory. This deck was the location of some of my most excruciating moments, where my will to live dipped into the negative zone. It was on this land a few years ago that a shriek of such agony ripped from my throat that I literally was unaware the sound was human and coming from me. To be where I am now is beyond phenomenal. 

Someone yesterday questioned how I am able to dip into such peace ever more frequently. The two most critical keys were surrender and allowance. I had to allow myself to dive into that agony, that terror, that anguish. I had to let it rip through my body as a pure sensation of grief, of anguish. Yet when I did, a trapdoor would open under my feet and sometimes I would be dropped into such a purity of self love and gratitude that it almost always brought tears to my eyes. I had to surrender any ideas I had, any plans about how to reach my goal, my powerful intention of embodied love and joy. I had to hang on to that intention like a bulldog on a pork chop, riding wherever the Universe led me. I had to hold on to the trust that sometimes was a very frayed thread that I would survive, that what was happening was freeing me, that I would actually arrive at a place I had never left. Am I always there? Far, far from it. Yet the tastes are ever more frequent and the certainty grows. Just these last weeks I fell into the same old trap of illusion and powerless as sleepless nights left me feeling frightened, powerless and a victim of my own exhaustion. It is only some days ago when i woke up to how my perpetual focus on the extreme weariness and fatigue kept me locked into it. I was indeed doing it to myself!! I finally let go of my future negative fantasies of how the depletion was going to drive me into insanity and truly surrender the whole mess. I thought, it is what is is and I stay out of the future, I just let it be. Big surprise, I finally started to sleep.

Revelation is always personal and what works for one will be nonsense for another. I wish I could put into words what I did to free myself as much as I have. I wish I could put it in a bottle and just have anyone interested drink it. I wish others could tell me how they got so much freer than I have. Yet this is an inside job. We all can only give and receive pointers. It is always my hope that my words may make some difference.

I understand viscerally how we are energy beings. It is all about the frequency we carry. I notice people lighting up in my field of energy, being uplifted, touching me more frequently. I notice how I can see the light and love frequency in others and am drawn to them, wanting to touch and breath in their expanded state of love. I notice how the sense of perpetual struggle is easing a bit and I am feeling more alive then I have since being in love in my 20's. I am noticing I seem to be through much of the crucifixion phase and slowly resting more often in the resurrection, rebirth energy. And it is good.

Monday, May 6, 2013

black moon transit complete tomorrow

My understanding is that we are less than 24 hours away from the completion of the black moon's transit of the galactic center. This transit has been giving us the opportunity to dance with our shadows to witness and release what no longer serves us. Wishing all of you a powerful time of karma clearing!!!

"Please join me in holding space for everyone to come through the transit as gracefully as possible while we complete the descent phase. Exact opposition of the transiting Black Moon to the Galactic Center occurs tomorrow, May 7, at 3:00 pm ET. The "rebirth" portion of the transit happens at that time and the energy will begin to lighten. Ready for transformation?"  from 

Sunday, May 5, 2013

see you at the love pond today May 5

I just read a gorgeous, uplifting post about a global energetic gathering in an hour (it is almost 11am in California now). Join us in love if you feel so inspired.

Welcome Kazakhstan our newest visitor! 

I also want to mention I so regret that no one from Russia shows up on the little visitors map despite being the country that visits the second most frequently. Few countries in Asia do show and I don't have the computer savvy to figure out why. About 2/5 of visitors don't show on the map yet you sure show in my heart!!!!

Friday, May 3, 2013

Facebook friends

Dear Family,
I recently joined Facebook and asked anyone here to send me a friend request. I had a friend just tell me I have to be careful with privacy/security etc. She said I had to unfriend anyone who I linked with unknowingly. I would love to be friends with any of you. Please let me know that you are part of this blog family and I will be sure to accept your request. If you can't find me, tell me how to reach you and I will send a friend request. I am not sure how to handle all of this yet. If I accidentally unfriended you, please let me know and I will refriend you; what bizarre terms, unfriend and refriend? Shew, whole new world.
Tell me in comments or send me an email 

message to all members of the family of Light

I just watched this and am feeling inspired. I have such a sense of us as pioneers crossing into uncharted territory with such astounding courage and fortitude. I want to take the time to thank each of you for all you are being to raise the vibration of the planet. Your part is essential and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Giant kiss, savannah

another post I like:
 monthly forecast,
May Forecast 2013 

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

muzzy, clarity, limitless, not planning, control

Yup, muzzy is a word, I just looked it up. Yup, I am all over the map. Yesterday I was in a stunning world of clarity with a visceral sense of my own unlimited nature. The clarity I experienced was unearthly, unprecedented. I was facilitating a class on abundance and I felt like I was channeling my beloved mentor Karl in the ease with which I was understanding the complex lessons of A Course in Miracles. We spent well over an hour and a half attempting to fully grasp the significance of lesson 135. The main focus was on how when we feel attacked, we defend ourselves, thus buying  into a false image of ourselves as limited and vunerable. Thus to believe you have been attacked invites the very energies of danger our defenses wish to protect us from. I doubt I am making it clear as I no loner am resting in that surreal clarity. Trust me, to get this is a huge leap of liberation. It was delicious to rest in that level of awareness and unlimited power. Yup, it was fun while it lasted and now the party is over, at least temporarily.

A crucial part of lesson 135 is about not planning, about how when we plan we are trapped in ego, using the past to determine the future. It was like this or that before so now to protect myself in the future I better do this or that. To bad it doesn't work and it keeps us trapped in the limitations of our own mind, bereft of the astounding wisdom available when we let go of the planning part of our consciousness and surrender to Divine Intelligence, the part of us that actually knows the total game plan, best outcomes and how to proceed. When we plan from ego, we are really clueless to know what is for the highest good. Yet, convince us of that? Not easy.

I was told years ago this was the crucial lesson for me to "get" and I have been plugging away. Here is how the Universe is supporting me in embodying this one; sleep (ps my computer always tells me not to uses dashes so I am playing with the semi-colon aware that I don't actually know how it works). Now sleep or lack thereof has taught me many lesson about surrender and control, releasing fear and many other goodies over the last 15 or so years. I love my sleep and use to sleep like a hibernating bear. When I had a child and faced losing our home, my mind got in the way and kept waking me up. I learned to let go of the fears and the mind games and slept better. Yet like abundance, sleep is a gift that keeps on giving it's lessons. I "conquered" one level of awareness, get a break yet the other levels keep arising. So lately I have been watching, again, how I try to control my sleep. The temperature must be right, must be quiet, sheets softs, pillows just right, no light, phone turned off, etc. And if I don't get my sleep, run for cover. So since my sleep has been very iffy again for months with then periods of great rest followed by the last weeks where only a few nights have been restful, and we have the perfect set up to get my attention. Same with abundance. Years ago I taught a class called Busting Loose of the Money Game based on the wonderful book of the same name. I did bust loose and bought another house (we did "lose" the other one) plus two cars. BUT I didn't bust loose all the way. I have still been depending on my ego to save me, keep my body functioning and keep me from financial ruin. I never truly surrendered to my own Being. I really get now why this won't work. I really get how attachment to my body identification is limiting me (I won't even TRY to get into that one right now so you'll have to take my word on it.) It is truly time to release control from my ego, release seeing my body as 'me', release the need to plan to stay safe, release the belief I can be attacked. Many beliefs are coming up to say bye bye to such as: I am my body, abundance comes from my supply of money, I can control my sleep and my body, I can't function without a certain amount of sleep. if I don't get it I must be grouchy and fogged, I must plan ahead for eclipse days etc so as not to be too busy as I may feel wiped out, I must change plans to avoid not getting enough sleep, etc. This message feels important yet I don't have the clarity now to articulate it fully. I only hope I can pass on a glimpse of what I am understanding and KNOWING. Definitely a work in progress. The Universe is cleverly putting intense physical activity requirements on the days of the eclipse and black moon transit to force me to bust through some of those beliefs or suffer big time. Among other things my daughter's Medieval games, the responsibility of all of the parents, falls right in the middle of this, an event involving hundreds of people and a massive amount of work. I am doing the bare minimum and it still feels H U G E! Oh joy. Be quiet mind! Time to release control and surrender all my plans, trusting only my connection to the Love that I AM to wing my way through (and allow my dear body from imploding with these intense energy influxes and shifts to our physical bodies and DNA.). I'll be fine. Will report further as clarity is restored and beliefs are healed.

My loves, something huge is on the horizon. I feel and know it and sometimes even trust it. It is love and liberation. The increased light i see in others and in myself is proof positive. Hang in there. Be good to yourself, know all is well. I send a huge hug.
(postcards from the edge)

May embodied love, joy, abundance practice

Because times are so intense it is easy to get stuck in "the problem" whatever it may be. To antidote that I am creating a forum (or maybe a monologue) to share our joy. I will post five or more things I am finding joy (now with a focus on at least one moment of EMBODIED joy) most days. I'll do it for as long as it feels good. Feel free to add your list in the comments or to do it at home on your own. Know that if you choose to do this you will be adding to the aggregate joy of the planet and right now she needs it. It will train our attention to focus on joy (EMBODIED joy in particular) and thus, by law of attraction, our joy MUST increase

I am also realizing I need to focus on abundance as lately my attention has been diverted to lack, especially financial lack so I am know adding abundance to my list. 
I would be delighted if you would like to add your joy list in the comments!!!

- incredible new class on abundance yesterday
-lovely pleasant day, perfect weather
- stunning clarity and increased understanding of lesson 135 in A Course in Miracles
- really seeing how they dynamic of feeling attacked necessitates defensiveness and negates our unlimited nature
- feeling so rested and balanced all day yesterday
- able to release a number of control issues
- wasband perfecting yard
- sweet lunch with him
- meeting new student
- sweet dinner with Karin
- her generosity in fulfilling a favor
- financial expressions of appreciation coming in
- able to finally fall asleep
- much more surrendered attitude to frequent lack of sleep lately
- seeing how attachment to the body causing discomfort
- seeing how I pull in past to predict the future
- huge sense of expansion
- clear embodied sense of the potentially vast scope of my work
- clear sense of my abilities and unlimited poser
- sending abundance to the world
- signs from nature, joy, butterfly, hawk, lizards
- found a way to be at peace with little sleep
- water aerobic teacher friendly
- got so much done despite little sleep
- feeling lighter
- not so bothered by the tiredness
- sweet morning
 - made some $
- totally neutral about my upcoming birthday- over 15 years of conscious healing on this one!!
- sleeping through the night
- feeling like I will survive
- courage to share an important need with another in a challenging situation
- speaking my truth
- moving with honesty in Nia
- daughter making me a coffee so I could get out of bed early for school run
- cooperation
- huge new awareness
- clear sense of the infinite magic that awaits us
- realizing that soon we will look back in wonder at all we survived and how we ever doubted
- no attachement to birthday plans which just shifted so it looks like I will be alone and that is perfect!!
-7733 visitors to this site; very auspicious number
- increasing clarity
mini miracles
- sense abundance coming in
- feeling so surrounded by light beings
_ slept through the night again
- daughter did my nails with jewels on them
- cool breeze
- silence
- May faire and ice slushes
- eating well
- released panic about lack of sleep
- so neutral about my birthday!!!
- another decent night of sleep
- cool out
- love with daughter
- green hot tea
- fine time volunteering at May faire
- interesting art exhibition
- wonderful birthday dinner celebration
- able to sit out on deck
- so much more neutral about everything
- sense of rebirth
- sweet lunch with family
- greater clarity and self acceptance
- forgiveness
- sound of rain
- slept 8 hours
- sweet gift
- so much peace
- so many loving birthday wishes and calls
- no expectations
- so much healing around birthday and not needing presents to feel loved
- cool day
- still in P.J.
- lovely black moon transit ritual
- rebirth
talking to Marie, Uschi, Irmgard
- email from Miles
- no plans and total peace, miracle of healing!!
- such a peaceful, no expectations, nothing happening, lovely birthday
- got only two presents, at least so far, and I am fine
- healed that belief that plagued me almost my whole life, that presents equalled love
- cool evening
- good sleep
- many lovely birthday phone calls
- inner harmony
- sweet birthday plans today
- course set up for MEDIEVAL GAMES
- woke up clear and rested despite not so much sleep
- fogged yet functioning as eclipse functions
- able to rest through eclipse!
- harmony
- able to remain feeling capable despite being initially clueless how to accomplish my volunteer job for the games and someone being sharp about it
-able to enjoy some of Medieval games despite being extremely exhausted and later ill
- daughter actually enjoyed it 
- daughter did great and was knighted
- witnessed an act of kindness and support that brought tears to my eyes
- the incredible pageantry of the event
- so many hard working parents contributing especially Jean
- so much cooperation at games
- able to sleep through the night soundly!!!!
- waking up to my own lies
- beautiful mother's day hugs
- wasband's caring
- daughter's caring
- cool breeze
- air conditioning
- calm
-releasing last dregs of lie I am not loved, love
- 8008 visitors to the site
- allowing myself to only write this when I really wish to
- feeling good yesterday!!!
- slept soundly eight hours
- sweet, powerful abundance class
- went to river for first time in over half a year
- water lovely
- able to swim to waterfall
- sitting in waterfall delighting in sister river's gifts
- LONG swim
- cool breeze
- hawk backlit against sky
- picnic with Karin
- lovely conversation and laughs with Uschi
- cool this morning!
-lovely, cool day
- deep sleep even though short
- daughter's castle turned out wonderful
- she did so much work independently
- greater intimacy and understanding
- feeling more alert after Nia
- working out conflict with someone
- chewing on conflict with someone else
- delightful breeze
- delicious cappuccino
- peace
- certainty these shifts are serving us and Gaia
- six continents visiting blog; come on Antarctic for a clean sweep!
- much inner peace
- slept almost 10 hours!!!!!!!!
- slept almost until 9am
- cool, delicious morning
- 4th morning in a row I am without major inner challenges
- greater certainty I'll not only survive but actually thrive
- meeting a soul sister and gathering wisdom through the internet
- greater awareness and clarity
- Moonlight's sweet company
- daughter going to rodeo with friend
- more tastes of Christ consciousness
- Way of Mastery in Sacramento
- wonderful group energy
- session with Doug
- tea with Karin
- movement with writing
- my wallet found
- cool breeze
- greater clarity about this "stuck" feeling
- slept fantastic
- peaceful
- clarity about my current purpose and role
- grounding
- inner harmony
- connection with animals in this space
- connecting to deer through long eye contact
- two coyote visitors the other day
- bluebirds often landing on the rail next to me
- gratitude to this land for holding me so beautifully
- gratitude to this home for sheltering me
- gratitude to all the teachers and guides that have supported me
- cold evening
- heat one and drinking tea
- able to revise my writing
- loving writing
- feeling tackles of joy
- cool weather
- swimming
- cooperation
- reading together
- snuggling
- flexibility
- air so crisp
- inpouring of knowing
- great post from Lauren
- flexibility as nothing little went as planned today
- crisp today
- wonderful ritual- anchoring my vortex/portal and connecting it to all other beacons of love and light
- plans for opening a new portal during the eclipse window
- such love and cooperation with daughter
- intimacy
- new loving night ritual
- certainty about my current role and value
- so much gratitude to the animals and elements on this property
- connection with deer
- hummingbirds and bluejays landing near me frequently
- wind chimes
- through the wormhole
- sleeping so deeply
- cold nights for sleeping
- regularly sleeping 8-9 hours
- DEEP sense of knowing yesterday
- two lovely rituals anchoring and opening a portal
- tenderness
- gorgeous full moon illuminating all
- library books found
- Nia
- moment of joy
- up earlier enough for coffee shop
- pulled back from major ego attack
- head cleared
- fantastic session with guide
- confirmation of my knowing
- friendship
-mini miracles
- still cool out
- slept deep
- Seeing Mars. Venus, Jupiter