Wednesday, May 29, 2013

cracking a self identity

Beloveds, as I mentioned earlier a significant shift is occurring inside. The latest is I recognize it is time to crack a false self identity that has haunted me for years. I see myself as somehow defective for being a light worker, for spending so much time in silence, for not being more "productive" in a worldly sense. Even now as I wrote the word productive I realized how much I have been seduced by the world's view of rpoductive. Part of me views my quest for embodying love in a way that feels authentic to me as not enough, as me needing to doing something more. I now see this is why my relative's words calling me a irresponsible numbskull still grate at me. Part of me still accepts that judgment of myself and of course that is incredibly painful.
I am still finding it much easier to be in dialogue rather than the one way street of this blog. I love you all and think of you daily yet  I must stay aligned with what works for me. My attention is so focused on absorbing all the incoming energy that little is left over for other pursuits. Here are some further comments I made on TWYH.  Perhaps it will be of service to someone:

thank you. The funny thing is I got zero response on FB. Who knows if anyone even read it? The important thing is I did it and I know the inner space it created. And it is so lovely to feel heard and seen here. Yes, it makes a difference as it is so foreign to be heard and accepted as I am.
 I realized that it was one of only two times all my siblings with spouses were together and then in a very public place he has to announce I am an irresponsible numbskull? Not the most brilliant or wise remark and now I do have to take time to wonder why he would feels so strongly. The ironic thing is he basically followed in my footsteps 20 years later by selling everything and buying a yacht to live on. I never thought of it until this moment yet perhaps he admired my courage in living my dream. When he said it, I had just returned from a number of years living and traveling around the world. Wow, puts a whole new spin on it. In this moment I see how he only mirrored my own self judgment. I am aware of a self image of myself as irresponsible, non productive not making the best use of my life. Then I judge myself for my time in silence and for not getting out there with marketing or job searching. It is me that wonders if I lost my marbles. I knew this before and see it more clearly now, my own doubts about the reality and validity of this ascension. I believe consciously I accept it, yet semi-consciously part of me still sees myself as a numbskull. Time to say goodbye to that last self hatred. I realize he did me a huge favor by bring this to my consciousness. It just took 20 years to get the lesson. That is why it still rankled because it is still inside me. Others' criticisms don't bother me as they don't land inside because I don't believe it. I sense this may be the last egg to pop. Better get cracking!

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