Wednesday, February 29, 2012

forgiveness and vision

I don’t know about you but for me, many spiritual phrases are like gobble-de gook. I don’t get it- WHAT DO THEY MEAN? Surrender, forgiveness. In a very real way as my understanding increases, these ways of being can not really be described with words, they are filled with paradox and to truly grok them, one must have direct experience. Or as the Zen saying goes, “the finger pointing to the moon is not the moon.” Yet forgiveness is such an important concept and tool for liberation I want to give it another crack.
In the last few years there were situations/people I could not forgive. One was a biggie and consumed me for almost two years. The others were smaller yet also very painful. What I have come to know is that without vision, I can not truly forgive- I will be giving lip service to it or covering my rage and hurt over with goody two shoes mumbo jumbo. (I am having so much fun with these silly phrases like mumbo jumbo!) When I genuinely forgive, a dam opens up, often with a burst of tears. I have come to realize that the tears are my own sense of liberation from my self imposed prison. Judgment is a prison as both Way of Mastery and Course in Miracles claim. That it is now my direct experience even though for years it was, yea, mumbo jumbo. When I forgive, I return to my original nature of innocence, of love. Now this might seem like a small thing, yet the deeper I dive into it, the more the pit of judgment is a swamp of frozen, trapped energy.
So how to climb out of the pit? What my direct experience has shown me is that the only sincere, effective way to free myself is with vision. Vision, for me, is when I have enough altitude to see why someone is doing what they are doing. This type of seeing has a translucent quality, as though I can see through the person to their deepest wounds, fears, foibles. Or sometimes it is just a single image that frees me. That is what happened to me yesterday (I am posting this maybe a month after I first wrote this). Something happened that felt like a blow to the solar plexus. By now, I’ve been through this enough times to no longer need the baseball to the head to be willing to forgive. I literally get that judgment is the poison in my own body so immediately I am looking for a way to forgive what feels like a transgression to me. So I immediately surrender (yes, I know, what does THAT mean but that will maybe come in another blog if I get inspired). I ask to be shown how to see the situation so that I can truly forgive. In this case, the image of a trapped animal popped in my head immediately. Then I get the impulse to open a book someone had the notion to send me. I immediately went to a page that describes exactly what was going on in this situation with the added bonus of explaining what leads to rage- so I also got a deeper understanding of my father. The synergy of these two experiences led to a tidal flood of release- I see clearly the dynamics and feel set free. My direct experience is that liberation flows through forgiveness. So on this leap day, I continue with my deep desire to see the innocence of all situations and people. 
P.S. Any women feel the urge to propose marriage? I just looked up where the tradition comes from and thought I’d share it now, since I wouldn’t have another chance for four years.
It is believed this tradition was started in 5th century Ireland when St. Bridget complained to St. Patrick about women having to wait for so long for a man to propose. According to legend, St. Patrick said the yearning females could propose on this one day in February during the leap year

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

up, down and all around


Are the energies shifting wildly for you too? Last Thursday and Friday I took a short vacation to Napa and enjoyed it so much. The trees were blooming in pinks and whites, mustard was painting the valley floor yellow, it was so sunny and quite warm. It was a small slice of paradise and I was SO HAPPY! This was very welcome as it has been a long time since i have been so happy. I often experience peace and calm, but happy has been more rare.
Yet today I feel on edge, uncertain, unable to do as I wish. A certain aspect of myself is bothering me and yet I don't seem able to shift it. I can feel myself want to go into self blame and criticism, control this aspect. I doubt myself.  I observe how I want to make myself wrong, bad. I am sitting with these uncomfortable energies. I have not yet been able to fully embrace them nor am I pushing them away. I am half heartedly allowing them to have there way with me. I go to a wonderful group tonight on Way of Mastery. Often difficult energies that need to be healed come up on this day- lately I have been able to witness this pattern more frequently. Then Wednesday I usually feel exceptionally well. Ah, the dance of life. Sometimes it is the tango, sometimes it is a ballet and other times it seems a discordant free dance of chaos. Ah, to let it all be as it is. My dear friends, may you be in the flow of life and I shall do my best to quit grasping the sides of the river and also jump into the current.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

waking up happy

Yesterday my day turned from an experience of grief and sadness to sudden joy and a bursting wave of love. For two days I’d been feeling a bit uncentered, off, mildly to majorly perturbed. A lot of grief was circling around. As it turns out, I was believing an old lie. I actually thought it was true! I was telling myself that to experience love I had to be with someone, share it with someone. Ex post facto- sadness when I wasn’t with anyone for Valentine. Well that little ole belief slipped in under cover of darkness and had me fall for it again, hook, line and sinker!! Lucky, eventually the blindfold slipped from my eyes. 
I had the second session with my health coach which was a bit of a wild ride but that’s another story. In the end we worked out a disagreement we were having and I left feeling super empowered and grateful that I was no longer lying to myself that I could be totally sedentary, eat sugar and other junk mixed with organics and be healthy and live a long life. I had dinner with a friend, I went to my Way of Mastery class, I passed out silly, childish Valentines.  We were studying holy relationships, a primary tenant of the Way of Mastery. A deep knowing and certainty, an absolute confidence in my vision for my life filled me. And hey, the gift wrapped hand made chocolate at the end of class didn’t hurt. These were just the facts yet can't really explain how i slipped into a new reality.
In this moment I am sitting outside typing while my daughter has tutoring. The wind is sighing through the tops of the pine trees. The sky is a majestic blue. I am happy. I am filled with joy. Around my solar plexus is this surging feeling of joy. Now hush my puppies, who would a thought? I got a tell you, there at the end of last year, I was really beginning to wonder if I was backing the wrong horse, if everything I believed was hocus pocus, if this vision I was following was a chimera. My unraveling, the intense release of ego, went on for so long and was so painful that after 24 months of it, I was really finished and wanted to quit, give up, bail, etc. Without my mentor holding the fort, swearing to me that it would pass, assuring me it would be worth it, promising me it would end, I wonder if I could have lasted. Yet he was right and it as though I stepped through a doorway to another world. I hesitated to write about it because I was afraid it might turn out to be a mirage that evaporated on closer inspection. But my sense is, it is here and will last- for sure it gets stronger day by day. I have moments of upset, like the last day and a half, yet really, it is pretty mild. Even as it is happening, a part of me is watching and asking, “you sure you want to buy this pain?” Often I can just make another choice but o.k., for a few days I was really caught. And then I popped through. Where I am today feels like a new place, a place where I genuinely and sincerely KNOW BEYOND THE LEVEL OF THE MIND that LOVE IS. I have found that which I have sought my whole life, a certainty of love that is unconditional, that arises despite circumstances, that does not depend on another to supply or renew it. I woke up happy, for no reason, unless you want to include the feeling of the breeze on my skin, the warmth of the sun on my leg, the song of the breeze in the trees. Probably sounds dopey. But it feels so good. I just had a circumstance that a few months ago would have sent me into a blithering puddle of tears. I barely blinked and had literally no reaction internally. I am going on at length about this because I now know my path is true and that I am not steering my blog family onto a bum deal. It is the real thing. I see clearly that the symphony of my life was composed perfectly to wake me up from my slumber. I can see how each circumstance was this mysteriously orchestrated weave of synchronicities designed to bring me the right people at the right time to guide me, sometimes to drop kick me into a new state of awareness. I see the footprints of the Divine everywhere I look. Sometimes I am in such awe of the intricacy and perfection of my wake up call.
 Apparently I was in the first wave or so of this transition and my particular journey was extra bumpy because somehow that fits in with my life purpose. I know many of you are suffering terribly right now. If this is true for you, perhaps, like me, you sometimes worry it is hopeless, it will never end, you will never know joy or love. I am here to tell you that there is a way through, that I can now say from direct experience that love is who we are, that it does not depend on circumstance, that it is a well that bubbles up endlessly inside. I am here to offer you my hand, my shoulder, my certainty that your pain can end, that you can find your way home. I sincerely believe as each of us succeeds in obtaining this inner certainty, it makes it that much easier for the next person. I know my mentor went through absolute hell, circumstances that make my journey look life a fun ride. I know his transit made mine that much easier. Beloveds, I wish you could all join me on this deck so you could look in my eyes and be sure I am speaking the truth. Are you willing to take it on faith? It is my sincere desire that these words may lighten your load, that you may have a moment’s ease and a certainty that you will live your heart’s deepest desire. I also want to take a moment to celebrate and appreciate my mentor Karl and his wife Jan- they are the ones that held me in the field when I felt hopeless and terrified and I am so grateful. I do not feel that my words can begin to convey what it is I wish to say- I can only hope and trust that the feeling tone will reach you where ever you may be on the planet and that the spark of love ignites within.
The feeling of unity, diffuse love and happiness is already passing. Yet my strongest intuition tells me this is only the beginning, for all of us.
I just read this blog and it seems to describe what I am saying from a different angle. Have a look:

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


This is the first year in decades I have been without a partner on this day. I am feeling a lot of emotions. I am feeling deeply the depth of the yearning to live the Love that I know I am. There is such a sense of homecoming when I live it, a huge YES, a delicious sweetness. To taste it and to have it pass away is exquisite pain. I know that it is breaking my heart open to the unconditional love that is my true nature, so I turn and do my best to embrace the yearning. Here is some of what is going on from what I wrote on my other site- just to give a flavor of the yearning:

 Yesterday my daughter and I were in the most incredibly loving place- totally unconditional like when she was a baby. I forgot to pay my DMV registration and now there was a big penalty. I tried to call to pay it and the wait was 1 3/4 hour! I don't know how to pay on line- i know i know. My daughter said, i think you need a hug and gave me the sweetest hug. So many delicious moments.
 I was so sad, so sad, crying now because we were THERE in the LOVE and I let my schedule and my MIND kick me out because I was so busy and got into a time crunch. I was sad all day at the way it played out and she ended up feeling rejected and unappreciated, which was so far from what was true for me. I won't see her today for the first time on Valentine's and I can't even talk to her cause my cell phone is broken and I go out of town before she is out of school.  I want to push this pain away and pretend it doesn't mater yet it does. For me, I must own it is my deepest yearning to know that intimacy, that love with a partner, with my daughter, with my friends and family, with my life. “The strength of the yearning does all the work”- if that is true I am so in like Flynn because my yearning is huge and I am proud that I never say no to it yet allow it again and again to crack me open. In this moment the crack is wide open and the tears are flowing. I won't push them away- i allow allow allow and dream on to a world where this is my everyday reality and the reality for many others too. Let it be so.

Friday, February 10, 2012

shifting to the new energies

I haven't had the feeling to write here although a few things have been rattling around inside. Yet I was talking to my friend Uschi about my inner musings and they seemed to help her. So I will post what I have been exploring on a site I participate in. ( They are unedited or polished. I sometimes pop into blogs and just peek at one and if they are funky, I never look again. So at the risk of losing any first time readers....

Thursday morning:

I feel this strange mix of energy. When I first awake I feel the pull of the old me who wants to do it the way we have for so long, stay in silence, stay in nature, not engage life too much, just a bit. Yet the Universe has provided me with the opportunity to be very busy with wonderful things this week and next. One today requires a commitment.  The old me screams NO NO stay silent etc. The new me feels the energy and does it anyway. It seems it takes me awhile when I first wake up to catch up to the new me. Since she is only a few weeks old and the old me is more than a decade I feel some drag. Yet I recognize it is a choice. And when I proceed with new me, yes, much joy and laughter. So curious to watch how the old doesn't feel very good anymore- must grieve that my cappuccino is no longer the be all and end all it used to be; that silence is wonderful for some period of time but not as my primary daily fare. Juggling act for me to see what is true in this moment and not try to use any old yardstick.
Thursday evening:
I felt very edgy today even though I had an amazing experience with a new group that felt so alive and connecting. I met fascinating people later in the day, had a great time with my daughter, saw a friend haven't seen in a long time, many luscious things. Yet strong underlying anxiety. Yes, there again and I too did my best not to focus on it strongly yet quite uncomfortable. Made me think of my mentor saying ego like equal time- ugh. Yesterday I was euphoric, today anxious. I know, i know, love what is etc or suffer, resistance is futile, blah blah in this moment feel more playful with my strong desire to RESIST with all my might. Gorgeous sunset in THIS moment. 
Priceless ClearHeart ***** Limitless Power Dancing Unity
Friday morning:
I have been paying attention to what keeps me stuck in the old world. They say all our primitive "negative" responses are stored in a part of the brain the size of a peanut!?!?!?! So our challenges are all coming from being ruled by that part of the brain that is a peanut!?!?  A friend had a powerful vision about this, without even knowing the facts. I know professionally about how powerfully our neural nets can do their best to shape our behavior. Then I also heard that there is substance within us that when we try to change habits actively releases something in out bodies to keep us in status quo. I saw it yesterday as a thermostat that wants me to stay in the the same temperature I've been when I have been pushing the heat up. So yesterday some part of me was freaking about the changes in my exercise and diet, my level of connection with others- easy to do by computer, bit more risky in person. I joined a new Way of Mastery group yesterday with some very powerful men and women- all facilitators and healers who have done a ton of inner work. I felt so at home, amongst soul friends. Yet when the group was over I beat it out of there. Then I felt some part of me rebelling against the physical changes I am making. There was this inner tension and heat, this resistance to the changes.
Then finally I watched this bizarre fear play out. Even though I have tried to uncover this one for years it still gets me. I am hoping spelling it out will help free me. It is with my daughter and homework. Here I do not trust, I still try to control. It is all due on Fridays and she had a lot to go. I try to manipulate, cajole, etc. But what is more curious to me is why it bothers me SOOOOOOOO much.   I know part of it is my fear of my father if I didn’t do great in school yet it goes much deeper. I am starting to cry as I write and I have no clue why. Dear fear, please come to the surface so we can work this out. I promise to try to give you want you need, to listen, to understand you. What do you need sweetheart? Can you tell me. I am crying a lot and just going with it. What is here sweetheart, can you tell me? Can you tell me what you fear?
A wave of sadness has washed over me.  I got no answers. The feeling is of intense danger if I don’t make her get it done and then my heart shuts down. It is as though the fu*&ing homework is able to throw me out of love. Then I am so freakin pissed off at education for the bs nonsense they sometimes call learning.  Yet I love her school and overall she actually learns great stuff- they just studied ancient Egypt and now the gods/goddesses of Greece and they really take it in. So that ain’t it. I am very open about how afraid I am. She says “you are stressing yourself out.” Yup. So somehow we actually got a ton done, had fun, and were so open and loving about getting through it and each of our challenges. Somehow this dynamic is forcing me to go to a deeper love, beyond personality. I am so sad when I allow this control sh*t to push me into a crazed witch.

Perhaps the biggest thing i am getting is this enlightenment/ascension story doesn’t look anything like I thought it did. I think it is loving the whole mess, the loving and the witch. I am getting that is the way I pass through the eye of the needle and find my own inner heaven. Shoving my daughter out for being so bossy and argumentative or myself for being controlling and manipulative just doesn’t cut it anymore. I intend to love the whole bloody mess.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

all is well- time to let go of disaster fears

Today I got directed to a few fear based future scenario blogs and post. Not something I generally look at yet I came to the realization that it may be pulling some of you into fear patterns. If that is the case, you may want to read the articles below. For me all these disaster catastrophe scenarios are old news. Perhaps they were a possibility at one point, but I don't get that sense now at all. I'm not saying nothing will happen, I am just saying all the big giant disaster fears for me are hogwash. Give it a peek, if you feel in need of more assurance.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

obstacles as wake up calls

WOWIE, ZOWIE KIDS- WE’RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE! For me, almost from day one, 2012 is staking up to be a new world. My guides promised the bone crunching energies of 2011 would end basically on the first day of the new year. While for me there was a slight delay as the first ten or so days of the year were jammed packed with lots of activity for a cave dweller such as I’ve been for the last years, things have changed. Now that I got through all of the activity with minimal stress, the shift has been very noticeable for more then two weeks. Meaning I have almost no stress, no anxiety, no overwhelm and no fear. Especially given the intensity of the last two and a quarter years, this is miraculous indeed. In the final stretch I sometimes wondered if my anatomy and being could withstand what, for me, was extreme physical pressure on my body. I recently began to describe it to myself as the force necessary to create a diamond- perhaps that is the way to reach the new diamond consciousness. 
Now I know everyone’s path is very unique. Yet I have come to a startling realization about my own inner journey. I understood it theoretically, but honestly couldn’t get it beyond the level of thought. O.K., here is what I now know- all obstacles are stepping stones designed to wake us up and keep us on target. In a sense they arise as a red light to alert you to the fact that one is off track, not aligned. I’d heard this again and again, yet I often had the desire to strangle any bearer of this message- my almost life long anxiety and overwhelm have been amongst my greatest teachers. They forced me to dive in to deeper waters early and intensely, never allowing me to become complacent or back out. The intense discomfort of both states kept me eagerly seeking something different, knowing there had to be a better way. Now when the level of fear/panic/terror reaches monumental proportions, it is very challenging to have any feeling of gratitude for the forces that ignite that fear. I know I didn’t. Yet in hindsight I see how each challenge led me infallibly to my next step, my next leap of consciousness, my next opportunity to enter the deeper love. 
I was listening to my old friend Eckhart Tolle recently. I use to lead study groups using his books and often listened to him speaking at the beginning of many of my other classes. Yet I have not listened to him for some time. He was saying how resistance, any pushing away generates more suffering. AMEN BROTHER! I’ll say. But to leap to actual gratitude, no way Jose. My friend use to counsel me to abandon my search when she saw how much suffering my quest seemed to involve. I now realize this is no longer an optional journey. The frequency of our planet is literally shifting and forcing all goo to the surface- anything that is not love, anything that taste of fear is bubbling up from our unconscious, ready or not. Yet as I witness the miraculous energies afoot today, I am glad my old friends anxiety and overwhelm forced me to swim in the waters of transformation early on. I see many going under in the giant waves of energy. Yet now that I am in this peaceful place I can genuinely extend encouragement and a definitive sense that this too shall pass. We must only stay true to our own inner guidance. When we say YES! The rest is inevitable. It as thought a gentle hand (O.K.- not always so gentle) begins to guide us to the next perfect experience that will lead us to exactly where we need to go to wake up. Way of Mastery says each of our lives is the perfect ashram. For quite awhile I had to take that on blind faith and many times I didn’t take it at all rather I SCREAMED AND CURSED THE GODS AND ANYONE ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH THIS PROCESS. My sense is that I have navigated the most intense turbulence and now a gentle nudge is enough to get my attention- I no longer need a sledge hammer to agree to release all that is not love. Yet now that I am seemingly leaving the tunnel,  I can say a profound and grateful- YES!!! to the suffering that forced me to wake up. It is as though a whole new world of magic is unfolding at my feet. The contrast between being awake and asleep is so huge that, even though I definitely wish it had come with more ease, I can honestly say the journey has been worth the price. Feeling myself is so delicious, feeling out of touch with that essence is so painful, I realize I gotta do what I gotta do to reside in that Truth. I no longer have to take this on blind faith. So, my dear friends, if you are currently caught in the turbulence of transformation, may I extend to you some of my faith and trust until you rest fully in your own.