Sunday, March 31, 2013

Does how i feel determine my reality?

I just checked my blood pressure and it is exceptionally high as often happens when we are bombarded with intense energies. I am noticing the correlation to my body feeling bad and then my mind going nuts followed by my emotions heading south. I just watched a lot of Abraham UTubes and realize the classic mistake. I follow the line of energy of what I don't want and start to belief it until I am able to pull out. This piece was very effective for me, I may have posted it before: or google the biggest missing piece- abraham.

I saw the man focus dogmatically on what he doesn't want and argue for it. I have done this so often. So I know what conditions are making me feel less than good and  have been focusing on them with concern. I choose in this moment to take dominion of my mind and focus on what I desire and the Truth about myself. I am going for a quick walk and will see if my whole physical and emotional mood does not shift. I bet it will. Wish you could join me and chat about how delicious life is- we'd bust that bad boy mood in no time!

so what I realized on my walk is that of course it is my mind flipping my body out. I sometimes sail through the most intense energies with absolute joy. this time my mind is engaged in focusing on what I don't want so of course the energy magnifies that discord. I desire embodying joy. All that is not that arises and I get to choose whether or not to buy into it. Example: my toilets plug up frequently due to plumbing challenges and highly mineralized water. So I use to freak out and do the whoa is me/victim thing. Now I just assume that sooner or later I will clear the plug and guess what? I always do. so with my health questions I heard Abraham say, Do you ask the doctor what he thinks when you are freaked out?- no- you surely won't like the answer. Steady yourself and return to what he calls the vortex, center, Divinity  and create the answer you desire, then ask the question. Our former temple mama pulled this miracle off. She was told at around 40 years of age to close out her affairs as the lump they found was highly likely to be fatal. She cleared herself on every level for a month and when they operated it was completely benign. Miracle? Did it shift? Who knows but I say that is the way to go. With each of my concerns, I intend to focus more diligently on what I desire and see what unfolds. For sure this worry and fear does not work. My body feels calmer now after the walk and a storm is brewing outside. Perfect. I love the rare sound of thunder and most likely soon the beatific sound of the rain. Beloveds, these are not easy times to stay centered. I wish you power and grace as you do just that. Sending so much love to all of you. May we all feel the energy of resurrection rushing through our every cell.

Happy Easter!!


 (Just posted this on TWYH- for now stealing my own comment from there-more later as energy permits)

Still awaiting the resurrection phase. Feeling a lot of heaviness and lack of joy, tired of so many challenges and old obstacles to release. I think part of the challenge for me is thinking it would lighten up sooner. I have to say I have realized one of my greatest intents, family harmony and love yet still feel such heaviness. Hard to remember that just a few weeks ago I had weeks of actual joy and lightness. Why is it so much easier to remember the challenging times than the joyful times? I see all of us as such heros/heroines, true trailblazers. I scratch my head in wonder when people seem to just sail along. Trying to remember exactly why I made the soul contract to be an empath/ sensitive. On the bright side, had two gorgeous hugs yesterday and such loving sweetness with daughter. I have released one of my greatest challenges, being reactive to a family member when she “attacks” me. This for me is a ticker tape parade moment. Definitely keeps me totally committed to REmembering my true Identity cause I really get nothing else works. Had a huge addictive bout for some days- sugar and shopping can’t afford and boy it just is totally useless. Think I finally really got that one. Onward through the fog. Sending each of you a giant hug and wishing the energies of new life infuse every cell of your being with Love. big kiss, savannah (temple name- luscious earthy love wave)

just read this from Lee Harris's Facebook page and seems such a lovely Easter thought I want to repost- I don't have Facebook but am able to view his page anyway if anyone else wants to give it a peek

  1. None of you listening realize quite the affect you have had on the people in your lives. None of you. I will tell you of the affect you have had and still you will only meet me halfway, but that is OK. I just encourage you to take a moment now to feel the love you have given to the people in your world and bring in your mind’s eye an image up ahead of all of the people whose lives you have touched, all of the people who you have been around in your life. - Be aware that some of the choices you make will surprise you. Some of the faces that appear would not be faces you would believe you have affected. But you have no idea, truly, how much your love has multiplied in the world. ~~Ziadora through Lee, from Mother Freedom

Saturday, March 23, 2013

energies of the equinox

Sending you much love navigating these latest fireballs of energy. In my world these energies created headaches, insomnia and a strong literal pain in my neck. In addition the chest bones above my heart keep literally cracking open repeatedly. My yoga teacher suggested it is a release of tension and this makes sense. I have literally hunched over much of my life in an unconscious attempt to protect my heart. As my own Essence is the only "protection" i need, I am able to stand up and pull my shoulders back, opening up my heart area. I have to lean backward and then there is a popping sound as something in my body releases its previous armoring.

This passage was so different from previous ones. In the past I would have had a story or gotten afraid. This time I merely allowed. I have not had a headache in many years and was able to remain the witness to the one that lasted days. My friend also has not had headaches for many years but had one the last days. I read on the Oracle Report the headaches and insomnia were the results of the massive influx of energy and light pouring in. It is like we received a lightening bolt of Love. 

Karen Bishops's posts spoke of other symptoms and how we can manufacture some of these symptoms in a self fulfilling prophecy type energy. I use to be very careful what i read as I witnessed that tendency in myself. Now that is gone.

I am happy to report I had no expectations of this shift. I definitely feel more peace and clarity but no big blast of love or joy. I am experiencing a quiet embodied bliss more frequently and I almost never feel anxious or overwhelmed which is so huge for me. My relationships are increasingly harmonious and intimate. I feel more  inner safety. Currently the only blip on my radar is regarding continuing my financial freedom yet being clueless how to live the life I want with the financial resources available. I see how busy my mind had gotten trying to come up with a plan. I woke up this morning after about the fifth night of very abbreviated sleep and read experts from The Course in Miracles/ Way of Mastery. I remembered a crucial lesson that I was told is the vital one for me- lesson 135 in The Course in Miracles. I must release all plans and trust to be guided by the inner Voice that directs me using the wisdom of the Universe. To be at peace and live the life I desire I must release my egoic planning and worrying and surrender to my own inner Knowing and allow the part of me that is One with the Divine to run the show. So far I have surrendered much in my life and it ALWAYS works. 
Now to surrender my finances, the one area where I have continued to both trust and control, still resting in duality. Feels like a big job yet I know I am up to it. The profound sleep I fell into very early this morning after grokking this truth confirms I am on target. That is always my sure proof I am on the right track. My loves, may the energy of the equinox bestow upon you a life beyond your wildest dreams!!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

children with new DNA who can not become ill

I just read the most exhilarating article that proves the value of embodying the new consciousness and outlines what it entails. They have discovered new DNA in children who are unable to get sick. They first discovered it when a child born with AIDS was disease free at age 6. The writer has followed a certain protocol and now he too can no longer become ill. The article is long yet I highly recommend it. I did not copy it all here yet let me know if you need me to if you need to use the translator. Scientific evidence for what so many of us know instinctively. This is huge and so exciting.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

living in abundance consciousness

Abundance consciousness

The next opportunity for healing has arisen for me, one that I thought I had long ago put to bed- scarcity. My financial fortunes have been a perpetual yo-yo, bouncing from exotic vacations with monthly massages and house keepers to driving an extra mile to save a penny on gas. I have been what I consider to be extremely abundant owning a house that sold for over three- quarters of a million to barely scraping by. I have had financial freedom for twenty-five years yet sometimes at the expense of a comfortable life style. A recent serious dip in my supply flow is supporting me in healing this for the last time.
Scarcity is a parasite prevalent in our society; scarcity of time, of money, of freedom, of love. I have healed most of them and now is the chance to heal my financial scarcity consciousness. I only became aware a week ago of the larger downward shift in supply then I had previously realized. I clamped down on my expenses like a tourniquet, my usual response to this situation. Yet two exceptions are previously booked trips. Watching my mind freak out about what to do about these upcoming trips is allowing me to witness how my previous reaction no longer serves. I hear myself talking like I live in the slums in abject poverty- bullsh*t. I have and have had an extraordinarily abundant live, living outside the USA for a total of about a decade, traveling around the world TWICE, paying for an expensive Master’s program, owning an expensive home, paying for numerous workshops, trainings, having a health coach and many other opportunities. 
So my old survival method of just becoming a penny pincher no longer serves. I always said if my money would flow through 2012 I would then be able to take over and this is what seems to be occuring. I was barely functional for years until 2012 and I am soooo grateful my money held that long. Does feel so miraculous. Now it is time to grow up financially.
Now a number of false beliefs are coming to the surface, again, for healing. Examples: I can not support myself, I don’t know how to provide and access abundance, I need outside resources to support me, I don’t know how to market myself and make my work financially viable, etc. I absolutely know how fantastic I am at what I do, now to shift what stand in the way of me reaching a wider audience. In many ways my life is and has been an amazing reflection of an abundant consciousness. Yet underneath has been a slow leak, draining me of peace.
A bit over a year ago I turned my attention to my health and have gone all out ACTING to change my health. All change requires intention and action to be effective. I released twenty-five pounds, completely changed my eating habits to alkalinize my body, began cooking more frequently, eating primarily food I prepare myself, eat a ton more vegetables and I broke my dependence on sugar. All of these are things that had previously alluded me all my life. Now I must do the same with allowing my own Identity to be the source of abundance in my life. I certainly feel big time discomfort when I buy the scarcity lie. It creates physical unease which I will shift before it would slowly develop into dis-ease. I have skirted this one numerous times, playing the old game to keep myself afloat. Time to sincerely put this baby to bed.
I feel the doubt dance even as I write. The old voices attempt to fill my head, “You’ll never pull this off,” “ you don’t know WHAT to do,” “Your out of your league, you’ll never be able to create genuine abundance,” “the only way to have money is to save money”and other such charming, choking beliefs. Part of me wants to run for cover or at least take a nap. Yet I am absolutely clear this one has gotta go.
At the same time I am looking at a sense of entitlement. I somehow feel entitled to an abundant lifestyle. I belief there is an element that supports me by sensing my own inner value yet there is another aspect which does not serve me, the  feeling abundance should be handed to me on a silver platter. It is hard to put onto words the difference yet I sense some subtle conflict. I know in time I will see clearly.
I am writing this riding on the energies of the equinox to publicly declare myself so I don’t chicken out (no offense chickens). No more shoving this one under the bed. Time to face it unequivocally. I notice my tendency to try to figure it out logically rather than allow my intuition, presence and true Identify to evolve the healing. I want to control it, make it happen. No such luck. This is definitely a diving into trust type dilemma. Aren’t they all? Time to take off my water wings and plunge in.

happy spring

Happy spring! I understand great things are in store for us as the energies continue to support us in embodying Love and joy. Today is also the first official happiness day, sponsored by the United Nations. I would say that is a definite sign of planetary shift. We also have a new pope. As he is the head of the Vatican bank, the world’s largest bank, this too is momentous. I have been very well the entire month, with almost no duality and occasional blossoms of embodied joy. Now that is quite delectable.IAs I knew would happen, physical weight is evaporating off my body as I continue to embody greater self love and self acceptance.  I am awaiting further clarity on my next steps in more fully embodying my life purpose. I am intending and knowing that Love, joy and happiness are our birthright. May we know with every cell of our being that we are loving, lovable and loved and may that awareness burst forth with ease and grace. Sending you all so much love, savannah.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

reposting energetic tips for transformation

I feel called to repost some tips I got from a number of sources including including my own experience. Many of the tips come from Barbara  Marciniak's, Bringers of the Dawn.  The book, channeled from the Pleiadians, suggested a number of things to help us recalibrate to the new energy and minimize any adjustment pains.

 The tips are:
- begin each day with an intention of what you wish to experience that day. Declare what it is you desire to experience. Color it with as much emotion and feeling as possible. Imagine yourself as unlimited and living a life beyond your wildest dreams. Go for it! I intend each morning to have a joyful, loving, energized, delightful day, extending love at every opportunity. Spend five minutes defining your intent and your reality. If possible, do two more times. (Three systems I know use this technique.)
- deep breathing
- imagining a pillar of light pouring into your crown chakra and then spilling out through your solar plexus and creating a luminous egg of protection around you. I have also heard one should imagine the light as violet in color.
- When you feel any discomfit, intend that the energy be transmuted with ease, grace, safety and harmony. You can even say out loud, "I intend for this energy of fear, (anger, hate, despair, exhaustion) to be transmuted into light and love with ease..."
- ground yourself. Sit on the ground, place yourself in water, send time in nature, walk outside, exercise, yoga.
- get bodywork. Information is stored in bone and bodywork can help update you more quickly.
- trust and fully allow your emotions
- shift any belief that holds you in limitation
- process your "stuff" but don't dwell on it
- create an altar with symbols of your deepest intentions and dreams
- use stones, crystals, whatever gives you a sense of energy or power
- use music and sound to liberate yourself; toning as a group is extremely powerful
one more suggestion I offer with caution as I have heard pro and con on this one
- spinning to the left with arms outstretched, building up to 21 times (number suggested by the five rites) or 33 times (suggested by this book) to get your chakras spinning faster
I also recommend the book The Five Rites which is an ancient system intended to energize and revitalize the body. The techniques are spoken of as the fountain of youth. I have been doing them lately.
Just some quick tips to help you surf the waves of energy with more grace. Do your best to enjoy the ride!! 

Friday, March 8, 2013

embodied bliss- MOVE IT!!!

Amazingly, I have been in embodied joy much of the day. What a delight! (and what a change, ahem) It began this morning with my Nia class which is an exercise class based in joy. The theme was ease and a number of times I was able to totally get out of my head and pick up complicated moves without thought! Now, this for me is like you told me I could climb Mount Everest. As my body releases and embraces ease, I realize how armored I have been and this has created much stiffness and general lack of movement. As I embrace ever more of Who I am, this body armoring is disappearing. Now that I see how joyful it can be to move, it as though a whole new world is opening. It is a world I knew before the first Saturn return in my life. Before that my nickname was the dancing Hanson and I LOVED to dance. Yet as my issues, primarily in relationships, began to consume me, my joy and enjoyment began to disappear. My spirit dimmed. To see peeks of it returning is indescribably intoxicating. As I felt the joy of authentic movement, my body moving without thought to the music, a quiet rejoicing filled me as I felt myself return home to my own being. The fluidity and perfection, the RIGHTNESS of my movements was euphoric. 
The feeling has continued throughout the day. Right after class I had a mini miracle as I offered my old jacket from Ireland to anyone interested. I wanted to give my sentimental jacket to someone that would love it. I found someone who offered me exactly the nutritional counseling I am desiring in exchange! I almost fell out of my socks. The grace of this exchange was astonishing and more confirmation of what is shifting in our world.
I am reading everywhere that it is crucial we move our bodies so that we surf these energies more comfortably. That is certainly my experience. This from a committed couch potato for many years. Darlings, I know it may be the last thing you want to do, but get out there and shake your booties! While you are at it, be sure to drink plenty of water. Yes we can.


I just found this site through Steph at TWYH and found it very useful. In particular I thought the view of karma was very fitting with my understanding and values. See what you think:

The idea of Karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. – Pema Chodron

When one meets up with someone that they share karmic responsibility with, there is always a choice: to end the pattern, or to continue it. Compassion and unconditional love are the way to put a stop to the pattern. Anger, judgment and resentment are fuel for its continuation. Also, blame for anyone or anything outside of yourself is a potent temptation and distraction; and also a way for egoic/ordinary mind to keep control of the situation, as change on that particular level can be perceived as threatening. There are currently powerful supportive energies in the atmosphere to serve as a support for shifting out of these old paradigm/3D patterns; in the form of the frequencies themselves, and also spiritual friends and helpers, both seen and unseen.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

embodying joy, ending the mission impossible phase

The awarenesses are popping in fast and furious now. I am still absorbing all that I gained from those few weeks of rather torturous lessons. Nothing like a little resistance to make the whole thing more painful. Here's what I know for sure based on the intensity of the pain I experienced by not living by these truths.

- self love is critical and absolutely nothing that I experience is an excuse to withdraw my own love and acceptance

- it is me that limits my own sense of belonging and connection

- one of the primary ways I did that was by rejecting the parts of myself that feel vulnerable, lost, afraid, unhappy; I am no longer willing to reject myself for any reason

- it is absolutely critical that I trust this process and know that whatever arises is serving me by providing an environment that induces understand and liberation therefore it is essential I surrender and accept what arises; to do otherwise limits the process and induces much greater pain

So lately I have felt mild depression and minimal joy. Given that I learned the lesson above, I am not experiencing this as punishment for being a poor student, I am recognizing that it is the Universal energies kindly supporting me in my powerful intent to live in embodied bliss. So this time I am saying YES and allowing it to unfold however it must to free me. This time I am writing myself love notes as reminders to have faith when the shit hits the fan. This time I am not going to view this release as a cruel penance for previous errors rather as a gift to bring me to my heart's desire. I have no idea what the intensity of this month's energies will bring yet my intuition tells me I am being set up to release the next level of blocks to joy. I intend for it to unfold with ease and grace.

A few years ago the idea of living in embodied joy ON EARTH *@^&((*&%$#@! would have been mission impossible to me. No way! Lola Una Verse was buried in beliefs that life on earth is no fun and the best thing was to blast out of here. I have cleared many of those beliefs and am like a bulldog on a pork chop, knowing embodied bliss is not only possible but inevitable for me. So what's a few little bumps or even atomic blast on the road. I say YES! let's just get on it with it and clear whatever dross is still in my way. I am absolutely willing for the process to be filled with Divine blessings of ease and trust. Whatever it takes. Wish me luck! Ready, set, dive!!!!


Like I said, the awarenesses are coming in fast and furious. The minute I posted I smelled the rat of a rotten belief, that this releasing has to come with Suffering with a capital "S". No thanks! Letting that bad boy go here and now. I was semi catching it as I wrote but there was still an undertow I intend to release completely. 
It will be what it will be 
yet I intend to know 
all can release with ease and flow!!!

Explains the energies of the month and some tips for how to sail through. Bit intense so don't look at it if you are feeling overwhelmed.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

anatomy of an argument

Yesterday I got into a tiff with a loved one. I found it a very interesting experience. I experienced this person as insulting me and putting me down in public and kept my mouth shut until we were in the car when I expressed how displease I was in a very pissed off way. We then proceed to trade insults, basically and the energy spiraled downhill. I felt insulted, hurt, unappreciated and unseen. I was aware of watching the whole thing spin out. We were suppose to do something enjoyable together yet it was turning out disastrously. We both got more stubborn and attached to being right. At some point I literally started to laugh, first at the other person, then at myself. I tried to pull out of the argument yet initially kept getting sucked back in. I then just deiced to keep my mouth shut no matter what was said. I actually was not that emotionally involved yet my mind had been unwilling to let it go. The response and tit for tat felt compelling, addicting. It was also painful and stopping was a great relief. We went our separate ways and hours later when we reconnected, the whole thing had blown away like smoke. We were intimate and connected, as though the separation made the reconnection more prized. This morning a similar dynamic started developing and this time I was not willing to play. I felt the tidal pull wanting to pull me into the current and defend myself. I clearly remembered the pain from yesterday and was able to keep out of the waves. I felt like Rocky (from the movie) triumphant at the top of the consciousness stairs shaking my fist gleefully. "I ain't buying it!" What a delicious feeling of inner freedom.
I have kept glancing at my dolls Agitated Annie (for healing anxiety) and Lola Una Verse (for healing loneliness, emptiness and lack of belonging.) They remind me of my commitment to love myself, no matter what! What spaciousness and inner freedom that gives me!!!
At my Way of Mastery group someone commented how much harder it is to accept insults or criticism from loved ones. That has also been my experience. In May of last year, I was blasted with criticism on a site I was following and found it to be an extremely liberating experience as I slowly came to absolute peace with whatever was being said, taking in what was true and ignoring the rest. It is now time for me to make the same shift with the feedback, comments of loved ones. Either what they say is true and therefore valuable feedback or it is not true and thus can be overlooked. So either way, why get excited? That is my new intention and I look forward to the inner freedom this attitude will dispense!!
On a separate note, I had a major awareness drop in much deeper this morning and include a post I made on about that experience. My loves, may you ride the waves with grace and flow!!

Major attitude adjustment! It is indeed the mind that knocks me out. I reread the longer post (on TWYH) for like the third time and the whole thing sunk in a different way. I have been clearing heaviness and lack of joy so, big surprise, not feeling so chipper. What shifted for me, beside the absolute commitment to self love that recently kicked in, is welcoming the energies instead of feeling victimized by them, like duh?! So if I want to clear this stuff, I gotta get out of the way and let it clear. I intend to hold onto to this awareness whatever might unfold next. Enjoying the peace right now and hearing so many wonderful stories of people being blessed by Divine energies. Yes, I know absolutely some children will come in without stuff to clear. That contributes to my theory that chronological age also plays a factor, those of us shoveling the shit longer might take a smidgeon longer to grok the game plan has now changed. I did an experiment in college where you had to solve a very long equation and show your work. At first the problem was very complicated to solve yet after three problems, there was a much easier solution and they tracked how long it took to figure out the easier way. My feeling is something similar is occurring and the big question is how long it takes our minds to fully accept our current unlimitedness.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

intentions and self responsibility

I bought a doll from outer space yesterday and named her Una Verse. She has a little pet I named Una T. Una Verse has shooting stars in the iris of her eyes. They both have space helmets. At first I wanted to toss the helmet yet decided it fits. Sometimes I feel like I can't breath here and could only breath fully on another planet. I always told my wasband he needed to get over the fact that he is Austrian. I need to get over the fact that I am human. 

I've had a pretty good week and by pretty good I mean no moments where I have feared for my sanity. I am also playing with intentions and realizing how critical they are for me to have a good day. I set intentions for everything. I have done this for years but it has been very general ones intending to have a peaceful, loving, joyful day. My intentions are much more specific now. I say how much money I want to bring in, how all my interactions are filled with grace, what I intend to create. I am playing with these powers and seeing how frequently my little, non attached intentions are realized. This of course give me more confidence to create more.

This morning I felt anxiety start to creep in with tendrils of meaninglessness. I did not recoil yet I took action. I focused on that lost part of myself, placed Una Verse in her oxogen mask and then did Tom Kenyon's 5 minute meditation while focusing on bringing that part of myself back into wholness. Tears immediately sprang into my eyes and my gut clenched in fear. Yet quickly the energy dissipated. I intend to use this meditation frequently and am so grateful for all the free resources out there and to Tom's generosity. I have a new understanding of how crucial it is for me to take responsibility for these wounded aspects of myself. No more rejection. Merely allowing with love. I am continuing my practice of sending my own love to myself. I realize how for most of my life I have focused on loving others, sending my abundant and priceless love outward.  I still continue that practice yet spend equal time sending that tender love to myself, using the quality of devotion to bath myself in benevolence. 

Two years ago today my marriage ended. I want to take a deep breath and honor all that my marriage and its dissolution brought me and taught me. Thank you so much beloved Georg. (Interestingly enough shortly after writing this he called and we had a long conversation.)

The level of connection and harmony I often feel is immense and one of my longest standing dreams come true. At the same time, this instability and sense of dredging up really loathsome debris from my unconscious is challenging. The biggest shift for me is how I view this process. Over the last weeks I saw it as torture and cruel. I wanted it to stop, go away, evaporate, vamvous etc. No I am taking ownership and repsonsibility. Yea, it's not fun but apparently it's mine so I will embrace it. I look over at Una Verse and I want her to be able to breath. I am done trying to toss her out of my life. I placed my anxiety doll I created months ago next to her and look over with love on them both. In this moment I have such compassion for myself and for all of us. My strongest intent is to KNOW Who I AM, to KNOW my essence as love and joy. So clearly that involves removing anything within me that does not vibrate with that Truth. Yea, it ain't pretty yet my intention is to allow and embrace and ride the waves with as much dignity and inner fortitude as possible. And above all else, love all of me whether I feel like a goddess or the lowest form of life.

Friday, March 1, 2013

I love myself unconditionally, yea, right

My brain continues to be fogged with tiredness. Yet what I am realizing at a very subterranean level is so important I will try to spit out something that makes sense. The last weeks were grueling to say the least. Now that I am emerging from that hell hole, this is what I KNOW. I know that despite all intents and purpose directed at self love, I was still falling quite short. I say this with simple awareness and hopefully no judgment. Reading my friend Kathleen's post help me clarify where I was missing the mark. There was (and probably still is) a part of me that has felt so lost, so lonely, so broken that she cries piteously and I HAVE HATED HER FOR SO LONG!! She remembers so clearly being from another dimension and she yearns for that sweetness and acceptance  that were part of her every day life. She has mourned that loss of belonging, of tenderness and unity for eons.  This place has felt so harsh to her, so unbearable that she has felt like she can't survive this environment. Yet it feels like she is the one that claws at my legs as I try to climb out of the pit. I feel like my head is just coming above water when she grabs me and pulls me under. I have tried to shove her off of me, smash her face to destroy her, GET HER OFF OF ME!!! Now, not surprisingly, none of that has worked. 
My current realization is how trying to murder her felt absolutely like self defense. It was her or me and I wasn't going down without a fight. I pretend to have compassion for her and sometimes I really did. Yet more of me wanted her destroyed and banished from existence.
Yet she also holds my vulnerability, my tenderness, my compassion, my humiltiy. To destroy her would erase so much that is wonderful about me. A few months ago I woke up to how I wanted to destroy the part of me that had been anxious seemingly forever. I created a doll to represent her and focused on loving her every time anxiety arose instead of trying to decimate her. It has worked quite well so now I intend to do the same with lovely, lonely Lola who represents my loneliness, my lack of belonging. I intend to do a ritual and write her a letter, asking her forgiveness and forging a new bond between us. I will bury this letter under my favorite tree and ask this wise, old tree to help me root myself in this new awareness. I intend to accept and allow this part of me to flourish and breath. Only through embracing Lola do I have any chance for Wholeness. Only through loving Lola can I be free. I see it all so differently now and wonder at my lack of self compassion yet I must report it as it unfolded with the hope that perhaps even one person might find her/his way to self acceptance a moment earlier from having read about my journey.
These last weeks taught me how certain circumstances had been able to move me into a space of profound self rejection. I may forget again and reject some aspect of myself that is uncomfortable. Yet each time the remembrance is a little quicker, the forgetting perhaps not quite as total. Two years ago today was perhaps the most challenging of my life as I danced closest to the edge and for only the second time in my life, toyed with the thought of annihilation. My marriage was ending yet I could not let go until this day when the pain of holding on finally allowed me to let go. It lead me to an unspeakable blessed moment of genuine surrender and a day of truly embodied bliss. Agony and terror danced with moments of such freedom. The torment apparently was the exact amount of torture I needed to finally surrender. Then as now, I seem to be a glutton for punishment until I get it and allow myself to go through the process without grasping at the banks of my existence. I am sending myself postcards from the edge, so that if this scenario ever plays out again, I will remember to love myself, but really, no matter what. No more hemming and hawing, sorting and castigating. Just my whole messy, delicious, lonely, tender delightful self, shadow and all. Ironically, as I do that the whole planet appears different to me. I no longer view it as harsh, unbearable, torture. My projection of that agony is transforming into a reflection of my inner stillness and peace. From my current eyes, the sun is shining brightly, the birds chirp with such abandon. I am tired yet feel an inner harmony that my world is happy to mirror. Which was the accurate picture of the world? Is the world in fact harmonious and peaceful or alienating and harsh. For me, it all depends on my inner reality. Yet my commitment to myself IS TO LOVE MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY NO MATTER WHAT, WHETHER I FEEL JOY OR ANGUISH!! YEA, THAT IS RIGHT!! I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I read something recently about what it would cost if others had to pay for the love we each share so generously. What would the price be? Although part of that analogy sounds sick to me and so materialistic, the thing that has sunk our society, another part helped me realize how valuable my own love is, how it truly is priceless. So i have begun to be devoted to MYSELF, to blanket myself with my own love, to turn the force of that love that I shower on others, especially on my daughter, on me. Now there's a thought! Try it, it is so delicious!!!

March embodied bliss

Because times are so intense it is easy to get stuck in "the problem" whatever it may be. To antidote that I am creating a forum (or maybe a monologue) to share our joy. I will post five or more things I am finding joy (now with a focus on at least one moment of EMBODIED joy) in each day. I'll do it for as long as it feels good. Feel free to add your list in the comments or to do it at home on your own. Know that if you choose to do this you will be adding to the aggregate joy of the planet and right now she needs it. It will train our attention to focus on joy (EMBODIED joy in particular) and thus, by law of attraction, our joy MUST increase.

I would be delighted if you would like to add your joy list in the comments!!!


- boogieing at water aerobics 
- smoozing with Brian
- mini miracles
- homework done with ease  and grace
- ease at bedtime and waking up
- parent appreciation tea
- gorgeous, warm sunny weather!!- feeling soo much better
- honoring the demise of my marriage two years ago today
- honoring the death date of my wasband's father
- sweet cuddly evening
- intimacy
- my new doll Una Verse and her pet Una T
- family
- fun plans 
- great new swim goggles
- family dinners
- new understanding lifting my mood
- delicious cappuccino
- seeing behind and through an argument
- tickets to see Swan Lake as a family
- enjoying the "gloomy" weather
- feeling of inner joy and power that has shifted dramatically from when I woke up
- beauty treatment from daughter
- yummy, healthy dinner
- daughter so much more cooperative!

- feeling "normal" again
- new yoga class
- such lovely weather
- good DVD
- great conversation with Karin
- sweet brunch with Georg and CC
- feeling able and desirous of being productive
- feeling much more balanced
- getting exactly what I envisioned and needed to wear for Medieval games at the Temple clothing swap
- lovely connections at Temple
- so much more acceptance
- sweet exchange with Brenda
- feeling more open and welcoming
- seeing how it is me that kept myself  separate 
- ending so many ways I created separation
- getting fabulous hotel for one night during Easter break
- lovely evening at Mastery
sweet connections at Mastery
- tea with Karin
- new CD's with Jeshua
- lovely conversation with Uschi
- good nights sleep
- good workout
- water aerobics
- lovely conversation in sauna
- feeling of community
- lunch at the Fix!! delicious
- feeling relaxed after little sleep
- a lot going on and staying calm
- new possibilities and awarenesses
-- so much harmony at home
- overcoming irritation
- releasing anger/charge when attacked by another
- able to quickly see things differently
- very quickly realizing why loved one said something I perceived as hurtful
- truly recognizing the magic available now
- falling asleep easily
-delicious time at Nia
- connecting to my joy
- releasing body armor
- slowly discovering the bliss of being embodied
- feeling happy
- wonderful new connection
- through absolute synchronicity meeting someone who can help me with my powerful intent to alkalize my body!
- seeing miracles behind the veil
- embodied knowing of the good that is unfolding on the planet
- important exchange with someone
- passing my CEU test quickly
- many kisses
- getting so many errands done
- staying centered and calm despite manny irritants
- moving gracefully through a scary situation
- safety despite two near misses
- for the first time, not falling into any ego traps despite all the stress of being around the frenetic energy of the city and even the mall on the weekend (something I used to avoid like the plague)
- such harmony at home
- beginning a 5 day cleansing/fast with equanimity
- the certainty of emerging joy
- beginning to grok more fully the magical power of these times
- the possibility of a huge new outlet for my work
- certainty that all is well
- ease on my 5 day kidney/bladder cleanse
- daughter making more healthy choices
- sweetness with wasband
- wasband's weekly flowers lasting an average of over three weeks!
- such gorgeous weather
- everything looking so vivid
- different quality to the light
-  much greater ease with eating/exercise
- lowest weight I have been in decades
- enjoyable DVD someone gave me
- love with Moonlight
- calm
- good session
- so peaceful
- delighting in the day
- good healing session with Doug
- great ease with fast
- fantastic healing touch at Temple
- feeling the knowing of how we women have touched and healed each other thousands of years ago in similar rituals
- feeling good!
- being the lowest weight I have been in over 20 years!!
- such a warm day
- such ease on second day of full fast
- lovely visit from Karin
- walk at sunset in stunning landscape
- choices for new tax person
- lovely give of detox foot bath
- loving family
- re-watching one of my favorite movies, the Swedish "As it is in Heaven"
- sweating and enjoying Nia
- incredible ease with cleanse, choosing to do 4th day of full fast
- ease adjusting to time
- valuable nutrion advice about alkalizing the body and vegetable protein plus a number of valuable cook books and information as a gift from my new friend Eva
- a wonderful vegetable juice from Eva which is exactly what I was needing
- immediately finding temporary hair dye for school's crazy hair day
- lovely warm day
- sound of birds
- such harmony at home
- daughter developing powerfully healthy habits
- delighting in the sliver of moon last night from hammock
- 4 1/2 days fasting with ease
- so much better health habits
- ease in morning
- water aerobics
- harmony
- no drama
- playing with squishy stuff
- seeing a children's play
- time in the hammock
- horse DVD
-horse riding daughter
-Santa daughter 
- Christmas cactus flowering
- able to know "buy" irritation
- daughter riding again
- intuition powerful
- shopping no longer entices me
- joyfully, laughing day
- seeing new festival and temple
- not "buying" the need to have someone else answer my question
- intimacy, connection with Karin and daughter
- daughter feeling safe and connected to Karin
- toxin releasing foot bath gift
- harmony
- beautiful, flowering trees
- recognizing sugar no longer big source of pleasure
- delicious, healthy Temple gifted food
- quiet, increasing joy
- almost no duality
- calm in situation would have sent me to the moon before
- calm with intense energies around me
- able to maintain patience and center
- sweet morning
- Pilates early
- wine with Janah
- peaceful bath
- good session
- passed law and ethics CEU 100%!
- got a lot done even though very tired
- fascinating long movie about Marilyn Monroe and the impossible search for external love
- found someone to do taxes
- sweet conversation with Uschi
- neck pain gone!
- happy equinox
- new accountant is ideal
- lovely drive with wasband
- such ease between us
- new yoga class
- rain
- completions
- great catching up with Elizabeth
- slept through
- good dinner
- cooperation
- healthy
- all the support I have received
- Lee Harris
- Lauren and TWYH
- the mystery of the fog; sunlight filtering through in beautiful rays
- gorgeous spring colors
- crisp spring day
- car washed
- up early and sat in coffee shop before school
- daughter's first time doing healing fast
- fabulous beet drink
- badminton 
- the beauty of of the budding trees leading to this house almost bringing tears to my eyes
- pastoral beauty of the valley we live in
- sound of wind chimes
- Nia joy
- sleep, long night sleep after nights of insomnia
- greater clarity about abundance and not being the "doer" in my life
- greater clarity about how to release energy in body when someone "attacks" me, how to be neutral and why it is critical
- going to ballet with wasband and daughter
- fully allowing energies of anxiety/ overwhelm yesterday without story and without family feuding
- opportunity for abundance in my life
- understanding more how to be with my abundance dilemma  
- embodying more awareness of how abundant I am
- inner freedom and peace
- upcoming adventure
Will be taking a little siesta time- blessings to all.
- wonderful times at coast
- harmony with daughter-
- healing huge ego charge
- choosing love in a difficult circumstance
- incredible abundance
- time with the beloved ocean
- listening to waves
- luxuriating in such lavishness
- the beauty of Elk
- Heather's hospitality
- wasband joining us for ballet
- such beauty of spring flowers
- cooperation and love
- eyes absorbing such beauty 
- daughter riding
- coloring Easter eggs
-wonderful conversation with KARIN
- more centered again
- calmer
- support and reassurance
- more acceptance of necessary financial austerity 
- cleaning kitchen
- happy easter
- sound of rain
- feeling of connection and support
- easter basket
- cappuccino!
- stronger feelings of oneness
- clarity about how this game is played
- the abundance of living in such beauty and silence