Sunday, March 3, 2013

anatomy of an argument

Yesterday I got into a tiff with a loved one. I found it a very interesting experience. I experienced this person as insulting me and putting me down in public and kept my mouth shut until we were in the car when I expressed how displease I was in a very pissed off way. We then proceed to trade insults, basically and the energy spiraled downhill. I felt insulted, hurt, unappreciated and unseen. I was aware of watching the whole thing spin out. We were suppose to do something enjoyable together yet it was turning out disastrously. We both got more stubborn and attached to being right. At some point I literally started to laugh, first at the other person, then at myself. I tried to pull out of the argument yet initially kept getting sucked back in. I then just deiced to keep my mouth shut no matter what was said. I actually was not that emotionally involved yet my mind had been unwilling to let it go. The response and tit for tat felt compelling, addicting. It was also painful and stopping was a great relief. We went our separate ways and hours later when we reconnected, the whole thing had blown away like smoke. We were intimate and connected, as though the separation made the reconnection more prized. This morning a similar dynamic started developing and this time I was not willing to play. I felt the tidal pull wanting to pull me into the current and defend myself. I clearly remembered the pain from yesterday and was able to keep out of the waves. I felt like Rocky (from the movie) triumphant at the top of the consciousness stairs shaking my fist gleefully. "I ain't buying it!" What a delicious feeling of inner freedom.
I have kept glancing at my dolls Agitated Annie (for healing anxiety) and Lola Una Verse (for healing loneliness, emptiness and lack of belonging.) They remind me of my commitment to love myself, no matter what! What spaciousness and inner freedom that gives me!!!
At my Way of Mastery group someone commented how much harder it is to accept insults or criticism from loved ones. That has also been my experience. In May of last year, I was blasted with criticism on a site I was following and found it to be an extremely liberating experience as I slowly came to absolute peace with whatever was being said, taking in what was true and ignoring the rest. It is now time for me to make the same shift with the feedback, comments of loved ones. Either what they say is true and therefore valuable feedback or it is not true and thus can be overlooked. So either way, why get excited? That is my new intention and I look forward to the inner freedom this attitude will dispense!!
On a separate note, I had a major awareness drop in much deeper this morning and include a post I made on about that experience. My loves, may you ride the waves with grace and flow!!

Major attitude adjustment! It is indeed the mind that knocks me out. I reread the longer post (on TWYH) for like the third time and the whole thing sunk in a different way. I have been clearing heaviness and lack of joy so, big surprise, not feeling so chipper. What shifted for me, beside the absolute commitment to self love that recently kicked in, is welcoming the energies instead of feeling victimized by them, like duh?! So if I want to clear this stuff, I gotta get out of the way and let it clear. I intend to hold onto to this awareness whatever might unfold next. Enjoying the peace right now and hearing so many wonderful stories of people being blessed by Divine energies. Yes, I know absolutely some children will come in without stuff to clear. That contributes to my theory that chronological age also plays a factor, those of us shoveling the shit longer might take a smidgeon longer to grok the game plan has now changed. I did an experiment in college where you had to solve a very long equation and show your work. At first the problem was very complicated to solve yet after three problems, there was a much easier solution and they tracked how long it took to figure out the easier way. My feeling is something similar is occurring and the big question is how long it takes our minds to fully accept our current unlimitedness.

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