So much is up for me I can't really settle to write yet will give it a try. This week was a wild week. I went on vacation and I notice my ego tends to go into overdrive on vacation, wanting what it wants. Well, nothing went as planned. Most of the things I looked forward to didn't happen. I felt rage and out of control, wanting things to be the way I want them to be so I could enjoy myself. I have been asking myself where joy comes from and I am sure getting clear on where it does NOT come from- getting what my ego wants does not bring me lasting joy. In fact, putting my foot down and sort of demanding certain conditions so doesn't work. Plus my buying addiction is trying to convince me to buy all these pretty babbles to assuage my discomfort and boy is it convincing, swearing to me that if I buy this or that, all will be well. So far I have not succumbed but it has not been easy, the enticement is soooo convincing. The only thing that actually relives the pain sincerely, is when I move past my demands and guilt into a sinless sense of unity I can not really describe clearly in this moment and then, ah, such a few moments of bliss. So back and forth, sucker punch/bliss/sucker punch.... Below is the ascension symptom (from my post on May3, 2012) that gets me the worst, has me strangling and ready to hit the first spaceship out of here:
Yup, makes me see red. Everything was driving me nuts. If I could let my ego demands go, I could drop into the most loving, connected space. Yet again and again, this rage arose, leaving me sputtering. So for now, I am lost in the fog of my own worst nightmare- o.k.,not the worst, already lived through and survived a much worse nightmare, but definitely not pretty.
I am finding it a bit of a challenge to keep the faith, to trust but that will have to wait to write about when my head clears a bit. For now, I must allow and hope, hang on to that tiny thread of faith that keeps my head above water. This up/down yoyo is rather unsettling to say the least. Hope all of you are in better shape than me. Kisses.