I got a lovely response to my last blog when I posted it on my other site. One of the things the responder wrote about was wondering what the hell is going on. Why has she has been slogging through her ego debris, while those around her party and seemingly have a gay old time? Not fair! Everybody is eating, drinking, shopping and having a ball while us “spiritual” types are bogged down cleaning our unconscious of accumulated garbage. I too have asked myself the question- ”when do the goodies show up?” She was saying her bank account, love life, general quality of life aren’t exactly an inspiration to others to follow her lead. I hear that!! I too have wondered whether or not I am a chump. Twenty three years on this path, almost two decade of intense commitment and a year and a half of almost absolute hell- hum, is this worth it? Well, like I always say to my students, is there any other game in town? I have been digging through the muck of my own conditioning, my own mind for, it seems like, ever! When are the good times gonna roll?
I gotta tell you, I was considering giving up the quest as I felt like I’d been sold down the river. Especially a few weeks ago when everything was going to hell in a hand basket (this blog I am having fun with cliches, as I am sure you have noticed.) I was ready to shout UNCLE!!! A solid year and half of diving into the pain, the upset, despair, confusion, sadness, grief and my life seemed to be getting worse. Now I will admit that I had cleared my beliefs about money almost exactly two years ago ( exactly 8 days from now.) Since then I must confess my bank account keeps growing mysteriously. Otherwise things haven’t looked so beautiful Oh, I forgot to mention a new house and two new cars we own. But my emotional life- DISASTER! So I was definitely beginning to wonder if I was backing the right horse. Only faith and a lack of alternatives has kept me hanging in there. Until the last month or so when I have begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel (are you wondering like me how many more of these trite phrases I can fit in?) At the worst moment of my despair an incredible light began to shine. I experienced an entire day of unconditional love and bliss. Then recently a week of total peace and joy. And lately the greatest sense of inner strength, calm and peace. What is going on? One minute hell, the next heaven. I hardly recognize myself for the last few days. I have spent forever trying to heal myself of the special relationship, where someone or something is viewed as essential for one’s wholeness or well being. To be honest, it wasn’t looking so good. Then I did this ritual on Easter with the hope of being reborn as whole and lo and behold, I swear, who is this woman? She is calm, she is centered, she is peaceful, she laughs a lot and her face looks eerily like mine except there is a lot more light there. So while the jury is still out, I am going to have to go with goddess, not chump.`