Sunday, August 28, 2011

seed of an equivalent benefit

I just read a book by Napoleon Hill, of Think and Grow Rich fame. It seems he was one of the first expounders of manifestation consciousness, how to think and feel your way into a new experience. He was speaking about the "seed of an equivalent benefit." I didn't get much from the book but that. The idea if you have suffered great loss an equivalent benefit awaits you if you look for it, intended it. Well, I like that. I figure after a year and a half of almost pure grief, terror and sorrow that I was endlessly allowing, then four months of fairly intense challenges, the seed of my equivalent benefit must be the size of New York. There's just got to be a pony under that pile of poo. Last week I began to taste it. Three fabulous days where I experienced a never before known wholeness, a clarity, a joy, a certainty that was delicious. My intuition was firing on all cylinders, miracles were my daily fare. If you've been following this blog, you know I don't pretend. I hate the "I"m fabulous" that I get whenever I met someone one from a New Thought church. I'm fabulous even though yesterday I tried to slit my wrist- no thank you. I mean honest to God great. What a relief because I figured pretty soon no one would be interested in this journey, this path except to use it to know exactly what not to do. Then I had two quite good days, one yucky day and now a neutral day. But I tell ya, the synchronicities are flying and everything is flowing. I am chewing on another challenge but the experience is entirely differ, I feel guided and held, supported with knowledge from beyond. I don't even try to figure it out. I wait to hear the answer. I truly feel like I have entered a parallel universe where things are easier and life can be so wonderful. Like I said, today is so so but I still got a good feeling. We'll see what the future brings.

This is all very good news as I was beginning to wonder if I could still promote this path, given my experiences and seeming lack of results. Yes, yes I can. That is if you are interested in absolute freedom mixed with unconditional love and joy. It is the only way I have found that can lead me back to the realization of my own Essence as my lived experience. Yes, it was way more intense then I thought, yes, sometimes I didn't think I'd make it. But now I can say from a place beyond pure faith- it is worth the ride. My mentor told me people would flock to me when they saw how magnificent my life was. Since I was mired in misery, I was like, yea right. I felt lost in the goo of my own unconsciousness. Would I ever emerge from the tunnel? Yes, I would and I am. Hang in there. We all will too.
(reporting live from the Edge...)

Thursday, August 25, 2011


Yesterday, I felt fabulous almost all day long. I KNEW that I am on the right track. I KNEW my wholeness. I KNEW joy. I felt a sense of profound oneness with the river, our land, several people I met, our daughter and her friend. I KNEW that an amazing sense of home, of belonging, of unity is arising in me. I KNEW that it is good, and very, very good.

Monday, August 22, 2011

resurrection or crucifixion?

I seem to have passed through some portal beyond the rings of fear I have been frequently being crushed by. Something has shifted. A few days ago a friend told me, after being squeezed and deeply challenged for so long too, that she was seeing light and hope. That somehow gave me a glimmer of relief. Then I asked my mentor about his experience moving through fear and how long and painful it was for him. I had started to feel crucified, cursed. He assured me that I was just being rapidly cleansed of fear, taken through all the rings of fear very rapidly, because of the emergency on the planet brought about by the acceleration of time, and the intensity of light bombarding the planet. I have a role to play in the clean up and must be prepared and in place at the right time. This is not and will not be a sacrifice rather it will be a source of great joy.
Saturday night I had to pass through perhaps the final phase of one of my most profound fears, that I can be separated from Love, that I am separate from Love. It was not fun but in the end I had the most peaceful, delicious evening.
Yesterday I attended a day long intensive about our unlimitedness. That completed the shift for me. For some hours I KNEW, beyond the level of thought, that this was happening for my best, that it would lead me to great joy and Love, that it was a rebirth, a resurrection, that I would be glad beyond measure at how it all occurred. What a relief. I am still deeply tired with many more thing on my plate. The difference is now I KNOW (o.k., o.k., yes, doubt still creeps in) it is all good.
I am guessing some of you following this blog may be in the same position so I send this message of hope out unedited or jazzed up. If your experiences are like mine, you'll understand my exhaustion and celebrate with me that this period of passing through fear is finite and that the end is in sight. What joy!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

pure grief


Today I ride the wave of raw grief as the second and more challenging phase of my clearing the pain of separation in my being unfolds in these moments through my life circumstances. Sorrow breaks my heart open.  Only faith and love carry me through. Now I can see the light and know that this is all part of the unravelling and will lift me to my deepest knowing, the space of unconditional love. I already see how much my compassion, Presence and Love have expanded yet I never realized, that at least in my case, it would lay on such a foundation of grief and loss. Even in this moment of such immense anguish, I can do nothing but surrender and trust the wave of love to carry me to its shore.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

oneness or seperation

My primal fear is up again. I know it comes down to separation and it is just my particular flavor I need to heal. It is heating up to the core and it seems I just have two more layers to release. My two final barriers- the first is believing someone is essential to my well being, to my ability to be grounded and be safe. I am down to just one special relationship. After years of effort, I have finally cleared the only other special relationship I was still using to shield myself from the pain of separation. The second barrier is death but luckily that is not on my plate right now.
Some days I feel wonderful, deeply connected to myself, whole, trusting, relaxed, peaceful, calm. Other days like today I feel afraid, edgy, doubtful, desperate to connect outside myself, lost. A whole new physical element has been added to my experience yet I want to write about that later. For now, I am trying to ride wave after wave of feeling separate. I watch myself scramble to arrange fun activities, meetings and so on. I no longer even try to delude myself that I can eat or shop these feelings away. Sometimes the waves feel endless and I fear drowning in them. I am so tempted to answer it with another relationship, phone call,  external connection. And I am reaching out and meeting others. Yet I know that is not the answer, that leaves me as a puppet, on the string of external events and people. I know it is time to heal this for the last time. I am laying in my hammock, breathing deeply, trying to hang on to the feelings of trust that felt so solid just yesterday. I see clearly, oh so clearly. I have the taste in my mouth of that profound freedom and liberation. Yet for now fear is nibbling at my heels. All I can do is allow it to be as it is, to let go of yesterday's faith and trust, to surrender to today's doubt and anxiety and say YES to even this.

Saturday, August 13, 2011


For the first time in many months, I got caught in my own story. Yesterday was a difficult day and I had to allow true grief and sadness yet at the same time I added a heavy dose of story basing how I would feel in the moment on how I have felt in the past. I decided the situation would be incredibly difficult and terrifying. I did experience a lot of sadness and fear in the morning yet by afternoon I had a very good day, a pleasant evening and now am having an exceptionally relaxed, lovely morning sitting on my deck in harmony with the sublime nature that surrounds me. I sure hope that next time I am tempted to use the past to determine how I'll feel in the future, I'll remember how much anguish I caused myself then and have caused myself umpteen times. I have plenty on my plate without adding an extra load.

Something else that has been up for me. I am noticing that the deeper the commitment to the spiritual journey, the more "stuff" that seems to come up and the more intense the "unraveling" seems to be. For awhile now this has been kind of pissing me off and making me wonder if I have been backing the wrong horse. Yet then I get glimpses of my true self and the feeling tone of it is so stupendous that all doubt drops away. I'm still moaning and groaning a bit, yet I'm in for the ride.

Friday, August 12, 2011


Beloved Soul Family,

I am just back from Europe. In many ways it was wonderful and in other ways it was surreal and so intense. I learned and grew a lot and basked in the support of family.

Today is a day I have been preparing for all my life. I am being forced by circumstances to face my deepest fear. Let me tell you, I don't feel really up to it yet suddenly had the impulse to share this paralyzing fear with all of you, knowing that we are in this together. Please send me your love and light today and know I am always sending it to you. May the road rise up to meet you and may you know that you are never alone.