Thursday, November 11, 2010

Riding the Waves

Holey Moley Batman! What the @#*%)@#*%)#$*% is going on? I don't know about you but I feel like I've been caught in some major energetic upsurges that are sweeping me off my feet and taking me out to sea. I keep hearing about all these portals-10/10, then 11/4 the beginning of the seventh day, now 11/11. Who cares? All I know is that I can barely keep my socks on. I have had this intense stabbing between my shoulder blades for months, off and on. Now I had an electrical charge plugged into my lower spine. I have balanced my chakras, stopped my thoughts, changed my beliefs, stopped being a victim, taken 100% responsibility and still it feels like it is some welder's full time job to tinker with my spine. We're not in Kansas any more!

I was at my teacher's moaning and groaning (O.K., I don't take 100% responsibility and I do love to pull out my drama/victim cloak at least occasionally.) He told me resistance makes it worse. Duh. I know that. So that is why I want to be sure not to resist my resistance.

So what's a girl to do? I am trying to follow my own advice and ride the waves of energy, actually feel what is going on in my body without any story. But my old story keeps popping up which goes like this. If it is this intense now and the energetic forecast is for continued and increasing emotional storms, how is it possible to keep my circuits from blowing. I have already felt like the pressure inside my head is enough to smash me to smithereens. I don't know about you but I thought all this spiritual growth was supposed to lead to eternal bliss and tinkling bell serenity not firestorms of energy mowing me over with every "portal" whenever I turn around. Enough already!!! Where's the exit!

O.K., O.K., yes, I do feel more alive, more joy, more love, more compassion. But I am not sure about the cost/benefit ratio. Seems a bit off kilter. Luckily (sorry, but misery loves company) I took a random survey and almost everybody and their mother has been flipped out, stressed, perpetually napping or all of the above. So what's the good news? Whatever is going on for you, don't worry, you're not alone. Now I understand that the powers that be have a game plan where I guess a lot of us might end up happily ever after, sort of, or maybe not. Actually, I personally know at least five people who no longer are getting creamed. They seem to be at peace, they are incredibly productive and they are making a huge difference by supporting transformation on an individual and collective level. So for sure there is a way to the other side and I intend to arrive at this place of no departure, where unity is my lived experience.

So, I have decided to do my best to enjoy the ride and appreciate the mystery (except when I am hiding under the covers, that doesn't count).  Honestly, if you don't have a sense of humor, I figure you have no chance. So let's laugh our way into this new earth. At least I hope the new earth has Pina coladas with little umbrellas.

I want to share some of my favorite wave riding tools:

#1 and my personal favorite by a landslide-hammock time
#2 The Way of Mastery  follows in the path of a Course in Miracles and shows us how to clear the obstacles to love; contains extremely powerful tools for transformation yet is written in plain English.
#3 Undefended Love by Psaris and Lyons-relationship as a way to expose and heal our cracked identities.
#4 Memory in the Cells by my teacher Luis Diaz. Teaches us how to transform the pain-body and beliefs stored in our cellular memory, returning to our True Identity.
#5. video link showing how vulnerability can break the trance of shame and lead us to joy

That's all for now. Have fun riding the waves. Remember, Toto, we are definitely NOT in Kansas anymore. big kiss

Monday, November 1, 2010

Where's the keys?

My soul has been bugging me to share my journey over the last year. You know how those souls are, hard to ignore. So in honor of all soul's day, here it goes:

Have you heard of those rituals where you marry yourself? Well, I did the marriage to myself  thing over a decade ago but I don't think it really took. Frankly, by now, I would have divorced myself if I could have found the right lawyer. At least until very recently. Within the last week there has been a tectonic plate shift and something within has finally begun to emerge from the goo. Something that feels unbroken, not defective, dare I say, whole? My  quest last year was my need for a “w”. I was running around as a big hole and realized I was just a “w" away from whole. I’m finally closing the gap on the “w.” 

A year ago my life changed from one day to the next. I was just  living my life when I had a huge fireball of energy descend on me in the Denver airport. I paced the corridors of the airport shaking like I was connected to an artificial earthquake machine as the charge ran through my body. I got on the plane which was then grounded for hours until we got stuck in turbulence for hours more. I wasn't allowed to get up so my seat companion had the pleasure of watching me blow my nose in a magazine as I sobbed away. Big fun.

What, pray tell, had brought on these convulsions? I had decided that another's behavior was not reflecting love to me. I have worked on this idea of not being loved for decades. Years of therapy and workshops and this charges still flattened me like I had never even begun to touch the depth of this wound.

Well, my ever reliable soul told me after a few months of hell, not to worry. By October 23, 2010, things would be better, in fact I would have basically licked this one. All I had to do was hang on. And hang on I did as waves and waves of grief, terror, desolation, panic, anxiety, joy, hope, compassion washed over me month after month. October 23, I can make it.  October 23 was the 23rd anniversary of the day I met my husband in Mexico. It was one year past the anniversary of my Denver debacle. I waited with bated breath for my big release. As the day approached and it didn't look like I was going to have some huge awareness change my life, I decided I'd settle for a sign. Well, midnight that day came and went and to make a long story short, I thought I'd been had. I thought on that day someone would confirm to me that I was loved or that at least I'd have some kind of bloody sign that someone somewhere adored me and then I'd be healed of this  @#%*)%*#)%*@)#%**) charge. No such luck.

Which brings me to the keys. First the mailbox key went missing. We looked high and low and it was never found. Then we lost one car key. No worries, we have a second. Then the second one got locked in the car in a rather bizarre fashion. I'm slow on the uptake but this third loss of the key finally got my attention. Was the Universe trying to tell me something here? 
So here's how it turned out. First the mailman calls to tell me the key has been locked in the mailbox all these weeks. Then some sweetheart from AAA pops my car door so I can retrieve the key. And I finally REALLY REALLY got it. What I  have intended to know all my life. I have payed lip service to this truth for a long time while secretly say "no way, Jose" inside myself. My whole life I have sought love outside myself. First in men, then in the love of a young child. Boy, that one really hit the spot. The love of a young child is incomparable and bathed me in the ecstasy of unconditional love. Wow! So my new life plan was to have another child every five years so I'd always know unconditional love. I'd have stuck to that plan but I realized that unfortunately I didn't have the energy. Damn. 

Flash to today. The 23rd has come and gone and my child no longer thinks I walk on water. No one else has signed up for the job of unconditionally adoring me so this key thing somehow woke me up to the truth, beyond the level of thought, that I was the only one that could actually provide the love I have sought my whole life. I had to face the fact that I had truly believed that if someone didn't love me and prove to me I was lovable, I could literally die from it. Sounds crazy yet my body let me know that that was what I truly believed. So when for the millionth time I experienced someone as acting in a way I didn't perceive as loving and I was able not to flip out, not to panic, to be really O.K. with it, miracle!!! I found the key! And like they've been telling us forever, it really is inside. It really is the connection with the Flow, Source, whatever you want to call it. Unborn, undying. And we're it!
I am finally willing to be my own best friend. I am finally able to embrace this confused, delightful, frightened, loving, needy, courageous being and accept her exactly as she/I am. But really. At least for today, I finally found the key.