Wow, I hear Jupiter stationed direct and released a wave of healing energy and it sure feels good. I feel such spaciousness and a quiet joy. I was in Sacramento yesterday and Jan commented on my lightness of being while Jennifer said I was disappearing. She was referring to my weight yet what is actually disappearing is my ego. Now I understand what they mean with feeling so spacious. Most things pass through me now; the density that use to trap energy in me has dissipated enough so it now flows through more effortlessly and efficiently.
About a decade ago I heard something on TV that stopped me in my tracks. It was either Wayne Dwyer of Joseph Campbell and he said that only we can free ourselves, only we can do the work in consciousness to obtain liberation. In my graduate school my beloved teacher Mary always talked about taking dominion of one’s own consciousness yet looking back I realize I didn’t really know what that meant. When I heard that again on TV, my world tilted and has never been the same. Many times in my life I have given my power away, wishing someone else would take responsibility for my life, moving into the victim virus, attempting to cajole or corral someone else to make decisions for me. In that moment, I got it; that would never really work. I could have a 1000 gurus lined up in front and in back of me and that would not set me free. I had to dig in, do the work, slog through the mud until the waters ran clear. Despite whatever inspired teachers I might have, they could not and would not do it for me. On that day I heard that message, I was clinically depressed and had been for about two weeks. I had never before or since experienced that level of depression which is why the TV in the hotel was on at all. I had allowed my daughter at age 3 to watch about six hours of television, a previously unheard of event. I literally laid on the bed and could barely move. So let’s just say that I didn’t exactly jump for joy when I heard the news that now I would have to ultimately heal myself or not live the life of my dreams. Mind you, this was after being licensed as a therapist, doing many trainings, enough that I thought I should have already “arrived” by then. No such luck. Now I know it is a journey rather than a destination and I am finally having much more fun on the road.
I had something similar occur with money. I had experts telling me to do this or that and I followed without question, sometimes like a lemming into the sea. I tried asking a few questions after a few years of having some inherited money to manage. The ones managing the money were my deceased parents’ bankers. They were all older, white men and I kowtowed to their authority. I allowed them to diminish me and divert my questions. I allowed myself to feel stupid when they would explain things that were way over my head. Flash to now where I have healed this one almost completely. If my money manager says something I don’t understand, I tell him to talk in plain English and I don’t let it go until I understand, even if it takes a few tries. I feel very empowered and confident. I make both good and not so lucrative decisions and I stand by them regardless of outcome. I have a delightful, playful relationships with my manager Tim I have taken dominion here.
I am fairly complete with my consciousness too. These last weeks were less than delightful yet except for a few hours, I allowed it, I stayed out of story, I kept the faith. I know I am not “done”, yet I feel empowered and responsible here. Yesterday in Mastery class, someone was deeply embedded in unraveling and was in very obvious pain. Years ago I would have jumped in with her, months ago I would have grieved her pain. Yesterday I immediately surrounded her in a field of love. I KNEW she would get through it. Part of me celebrated knowing she is well on her way and that the outcome is so worth the journey. I could witness her pain with something approaching gratitude as I knew her current tears were liberating her. I knew she was buried in fear and doubt yet I saw the illusion and held a field to support her in elevating her viewpoint until she could see the truth for herself. What a different experience! I use to think it was almost cruel or lacked compassions when teachers would seem so neutral when they witnessed another’s suffering. Now I get it.
About two weeks ago, I became hyper aware of the one area I was not taking full dominion of, my physical health. Yes, I have a health coach, yes I have made huge strides and am more healthy than ever. Yet I would still choose the pleasure of food over my own health. My infected toe broke me of much of that pattern. A paradigm shift has occurred and I have moved out of victim mode and it feels wonderful. It is such an important topic I want to devote an entire blog to it. To be continued...