The last few mornings were rough for me. I had rather strong fear arising. Especially yesterday morning, I was immersed in the grip of fear and had forgotten all exits. I am continually surprised by the strength with which the forgetting can trick me. I sought control of the fear, sought to escape it with sugar, with busyness, with anything. I dragged myself into a story about being incapable, about it never ending, about being sick and tired of even trying. Guess how those strategies turned out? Exactly, they dumped me unceremoniously on my ass, buried in fear. My body felt paralyzed in fear, my brain was fogged and I was caught in projection and distortion. I had some level of awareness and I kept my mouth shut and did not act on the fear. I had a smidgeon of allowance so tiny it did little to mitigate the fear. I even sat in the sun, listening to the birds and wind and still felt trapped. Finally I remembered to surrender and used my mentor Karl’s words along the lines of “get you ass down here and help me out of this mess” although I used even more choice words. Now I know I am talking to a Source with more altitude than me yet really I am merely talking to the highest part of myself, irrevocably interconnected to the Whole. Something shifted and mini miracles unfolded. The things I feared disappeared like the chimera they are. Instead a couple of my deepest desires unfolded in small ways. I even forced myself to take a tiny walk. I talked to my spiritual partner and gained even more insight.
Today I woke up calm and saw how I had forgotten all my tools as fear encased me with cement talons yesterday. It is very clear to me that duality has raised the stakes. I thought how wonderful it will be now that those who seek power over others will no longer be able to play with our lives as the boomerang effect will push their manipulations right back on them. I did not stop to see how my own little petty dances with ego would also be magnified. A story Karin told me about how she was initially caught by ego’s demands, pissed off at another who was also caught in a fear response, caught my attention and woke me up to the new “reality.”. For me, any little attempt to maintain control has an immediate backlash. When I try to hang on to the passing shore for dear life, I end up with mud in my face. These energies make it very obvious whether I am choosing love or fear. Yes, it feels like I have entered a new land with new customs which I am not yet use to. I felt so ungrounded when I first moved to northern California and it took me years to find some level of familiarity and comfort. These times feel somehow similar and it gives me unexpected comfort to understand why expecting comfort now is counter productive. I must go with the flow wherever it takes me, comfortable or not. Today’s oracle report really spoke to me, as excerpted below. Beloveds, these are rocky times. Know you are not alone and that unseen forces are at your command. Call on them whenever fear threatens you with it’s siren song. Connect to nature often to stay centered. Breath, move, pray, love, trust!
Oraclereport.com 1/2/13
...But these changes are broad and sweeping, and in turn we are sensitive to the instability, alienation, loneliness, and anxiety that they bring. In the midst of this, we need to remain open to options because opportunities lie within the changes. Remember that this month we are like immigrants in a new country. The energy seems foreign to us. However, even though things have definitely changed, one things remains - the guardianship of Sophia. Most beings in the cosmos are not fortunate enough to be traveling through space with their creator (creatrix). The way to handle the world now is to continually reinforce our inner connection with the planet. When things get tough, we have to take a mental time out, take a breath, and visualize being rooted...
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