Sunday, June 30, 2013

love, acknowledgment, Mat Kahn releasing doubt and self blame

These teachings may feel obscure yet for me are invaluable in helping me release ever more subtle levels of self blame. love this! listening to Matt I get ever more deeply how many ways there are to self reject and the antidote is to acknowledge it all openly, adoringly. so many spiritual tools have the trap/shadow of self blame judgment if one doesn’t do them “well” keeping us endlessly trapped in duality. time to bust loose. I see this in all of it, trying to be loving, law of attraction, now even in a seemingly harmless word like acceptance. So wise. hope it helps.

A Love That Has No End - MattKahn

and this one is helping me and gave me a wonderful "trick" that is really a lovely tool:

The Joy of Equality - Matt Kahn/

It's working for me, hurray!

Saturday, June 29, 2013

surrender to love

this to me speaks to the key of our often relentless self judgment and how letting that judgment go is the heart of the matter.

Surrender to Love - Matt Kahn/

After listening to Matt kahn’s surrender to love I feel tectonic plates shifting in me. He said exactly what I have told myself for so long yet hearing his words, I recognized how I am always trying to be a loving person to prove to myself my own value. So I often judge myself for not being loving. A certain dynamic in my life is highlighting this. Someone wants something from me I can not authentically give. Yet if I don't give it I fall into being an unloving person in my eyes. If I do it inauthentically, I fall into the same trap, now as an inauthentic person. Self judgment looms on both sides. Spiritual ego.  I get how my doing has been about loving. I have to “do” love or I am unworthy in my own eyes. Time to let it go and love all of it, even myself as the poopoo head.

Friday, June 28, 2013

job- Joy Of Being

I am on my road to joy recovery. I keep getting little encouragements scattered on my path. Two objects with the word joy showing up after being lost for years then a car sticker extended joy to me. I am so appreciating myself lately since I accept my true job. I no longer devalue myself for not being more out is the world, more successful in worldly terms, especially since I seemingly had not used my massive amount of education in the way my family of origin expected I should. I am resting ever more fully in my own magnificence and thus can more easily see if in all I meet. Within a 2 minute conversation with the man that cleared my driveway, he shared his wife has 6 weeks to live, pancreatic cancer. My hands flew to my heart and I beamed him with such love. I saw tears spring to his eyes. This is my joy. Recovering my own joy and love and then extending it outward, in that order, and receiving it back, creating a circle that flows endlessly. I am so clear now that the J.O.B. I assigned myself a decade ago is my true job. It has taken me that long to fully own it. My job really is to embrace my Joy Of Being. Now that is a job I can love! The next part is to fully believe my job can and will cover the bills. The next work in progress.
My other job is to share the pieces of the puzzle I have found with others.  On that note, I want to share Aisha North’s post 2 days ago about talking to the body to smooth out symptoms. (thank you Sara). It helped me this morn make peace with little sleep and high heat, deciding my body can release it’s old reactions to these conditions.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

the beacon- a turning point

This was probably the most significant turning point in my understanding of the true nature of love. It occurred 2 1/2 years ago and is something I just wrote for my writer's group.

As her marriage continued to disintegrate, it became increasingly obvious that instead of being the adored and cherished wife, her feelings and needs were no longer appearing on her husband’s radar screen.  Maybe it was just the proverbial straw breaking the camel’s back. All she knew is that this one incident on this one tempestuous night suddenly catapulted her into feeling as though her body would explode. She literally could not bear the pressure and felt herself propelled out of the house. Instinctively, she did not want her daughter to witness such a complete disintegration. She made it outside of the house before a shriek split the air. The sound Dopplered back to her. Some aspect of her wondered where that primal, inhuman sound emanated from. What flashed through her was the image of an indigenous tribe out of National Geographic. When she realized it had come from her own throat, a tiny part of her was conscious enough to be very frightened by this keening.
She ran pell mell down the steep drive. The wind and rain gouged her face. The cold of the stormy winter night did not penetrate her awareness. Her need to escape was all that existed. She wanted to run so fast that she would physically out distance herself. She felt as though her skin was tearing, trying to contain her grief.
She ran down the dirt road, pursued by inner demons. Her mind was blank, obscured by the intensity of the physical sensations shredding her. She ran until she could not longer stand. She collapsed into the trunk of a moss covered tree. The wet tendrils caressed her cheek. She held on with a death grip, her feet balanced above the tree’s deep roots. Her hair dripped silent tears. Her hands clenched the rough, scared bark of the massive tree. Slowly her breathing began to calm down. She could hear her frantic heart beat begin to steady itself. An ant crawled across her vision. Inexplicably, a calm began to settle in her bones. She was able to lift her head from the tree’s shelter and take in the dark world around her. The sound of rushing water soothed her frayed senses.  After a final embrace, she said goodbye to her beloved friend with a kiss, thanking the tree for it’s restorative grace. She walked slowly, as though awakened from a trance, delighting in every splash of the cascading run off. Frogs croaked a welcome. A peace oozed through every pore of her skin. Had she ever known such total tranquility?
Everything was perfect, the dark sky, the rain now only splattering it’s renewal. She walked to a pipe dug under the road, mesmerized by the waterfall sounds flowing through the drain. It was the most delightful sound she had ever heard. Her body tingled with a sweet vibrancy. Slowly her mind returned and she knew her family would be worried. She started languidly back towards the house. In the distance she saw her husband and daughter’s shapes emerge from the gloom walking towards her. Yet she was already home.
It was quite sometime later when she was able to grasp what had happened to her. Years of training in the pain body release process of Cellular Memory Release had conditioned her to be able to withstand ever great amounts of pure emotion, from grief, to rage to joy. Paradoxically, by physically plunging fully into any emotion and allowing it entirely, one is miraculous aligned with the frequency of wisdom that runs the entire Universe. Her training had kicked in that night to enable her to physically dive into the unadulterated experience of absolute grief. Her mourning was not conscious, yet in hindsight she was able to recognize that she was grieving her lose of illusions about love. She understood in a visceral way that she could never obtain the love she had sought her whole life in someone outside of herself. She morned the loss as though a child had died. She was clear that what had driven her for her entire life was now dead. She felt terrified to understand that only a love that emanated from within would answer her deepest yearning. The intellectual understanding of this harsh truth had dropped into her gut. Her absolute commitment to clearing all the obstacles to love in her life had brought her to this awareness. Yet her complete allowing that night of what was occurring in her body moment to moment was the open sesame that swept her rapidly into a state of wholeness, of being, of love.   It took several more years to begin to more fully embody that new reality yet the hour spent in that state of complete surrender was a beacon guiding her home.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

thoughts on parenting, money and value

again, some of my comment from TWYH. Feeling very informal here, just sharing current musings:

... To me it has been clear for a long time that there is something way off in the way we define parenting, making the parent responsible for the child in ways that don't make sense. This to me is a recipe for disaster. Yes, we must care for them, provide for them, love them. But take full responsibility for their behavior doesn't really seem legitimate or feasible. Hear me out. I almost didn’t take the licensing exam to be a therapist after a 10 year effort because I could no longer stomach the legal responsibility I was mandated to have for my clients. It doesn’t work. I took the exam yet only had two therapy clients after passing. It is way too heavy to even considered taking on another’s issues with a sense of responsibility. No way Jose. So luckily I discovered Cellular Memory Release soon after where it is all about returning the client to their own responsibility and power. I love how Lauren says it is our presence that will be the new teacher, nothing else. I am certainly coming to that as again anything else feels too heavy. So back to parenting. Same deal. I lost my marbles a few days ago with my child. I realized it came from two points. First from judging myself as a bad parent if she does something socially unacceptable like be "rude.". Then projecting my hatred of being human and flawed on to her.  My point being there is something flawed about the concept that we held accountable for our children's behavior even when these children, are so strong willed and self determined as the new children of the now. I don’t know what the answer is yet, I just see the question.
 Then I have been sitting with the link between money and value. Somehow I was born with the ability to live without the attachment that I must work for money. Now this has been an incredible blessing. It took me awhile to shake the cultural myth but once I did I was off and running and have lived without “work” for 25 years, often quite lavishly for my taste. Yet I have never made much money from my own work. I made it through being smart and unattached but not from what I truly value about myself and my own wisdom. So that is my sense of why my $ flow has slowed way down. Time to receive the energy of money through offering my beingness to the world. Feels like mission impossible to believe that the thing that is most true about me, my ability to be more than to do, can ever generate income so time to let that bad boy belief go. All of it comes down for me to actually enjoying being human, enjoying the whole bloody ride and not taking it seriously. That is not my experience in this moment yet I am seeing down the road to KNOW this is what can and must be for any of this to make sense. Looking forward to that upcoming reality of loving being human on this planet. Loving when I am in rage, upset, exhausted as well as when I am loving, wise and fun. That’s where the action is for me. 

help wanted: a recipe for joy

After a lovely week soaking in hot mineral springs in Nevada I have returned and awoke today with a feeling of discomfort. On Wednesday I was in Virginia City when I had a rage attack. The triggering incident was minor so I was surprised by the depth of my rage. I started asking myself questions and my point of departure lately is to assume it is a projection that is sending me around the bend. So why had this sent me into a searing rage? Today the answer popped into my mind. It relates to my dislike/hatred of being human. I see this ride will not be over until I come to love being human, to enjoy the earth experience. Now this feels like a tall order personally and globally. How can I love being human after I just finished an excellent book on the Holocaust, with mass shootings, deliberate pollution and altering of food, extreme greed and so on. In my world the question is how can I delight in the human condition when the people I love can turn into seemingly cold monsters from one second to the next? I see that it goes back to my childhood where at any moment my father could begins raging over some small irritation. So when a relative suddenly seems to turn on me with an act I consider to be rude, unkind or alienating I can easily return to that feeling of it being life or death, as it was for me as a little child. So this relative’s grumpiness and a door shut in my face for no apparent reason were the trigger for this intense rage arising Wednesday. 

Only presence stopped me from reacting and counter attacking. Instead I have been sitting with it. Inside I felt huge separation and anything but love. While I had no external reaction, internally I felt incredible anger and energetic attack which I know did not go unfelt. Yet the lessons of the last weeks stopped me from judging myself (at least not too much). I was judging the person involved even while questioning the whole incident. I have been sitting with it for three days and awoke with such a feeling of heaviness, of not wanting to be here. 

A few years ago listening to my outgoing phone message repeatedly woke me up to the realization I wanted off the planet, to go home, where ever that home might be. I have made  some peace with being human but not enough. The last weeks taught me my own value, to stop seeing my own authentic nature as much more of a be-er than a do-er as worthless, to see myself as valuable and perfect. Now I see I must come to not just accept being human, but rather to truly delight in it. I hear the background music for Mission Impossible playing in my head as this is how it feels, especially after these 13 years of torturous ascension experiences and symptoms. Yet I am absolutely clear this is what it will take to stop projecting my hatred of my “failures,” my moment of being monstrous like my father was too often. How am I to do that? How can I see another's behavior that appears as factually monstrous to me, not matter how slight the provocation sometimes is, as harmless?  How can I accept being human with all its flaws? It took me years to truly forgive another relative’s behavior but I was a bulldog on a pork chop with it, as I could feel how the unforgivenss sat in me with it’s insidious poison leaching away my peace. Now I have two more people who perfectly reflect my own remaining self hatred for being human, for sometimes acting monstrously. I keep using that word as I see that even the smallest action can give rise to the certainty of the boogie man ready to pounce.

I am clear the only antidote is to enjoy this circus. Of course, when I do the whole world shifts and suddenly it is truly enjoyable. This is definitely the cart before the horse reality. No clue how to make this happen. In fact, I know I can’t MAKE IT happen. I can only surrender and intend it and await the miracles with my currently minuscule trust. So if anybody has the recipe for joy, please, oh please let me know. 

Yea, I know that I know it already at a semi conscious level. Just intending to make peace with the unjoy until the joy arrives, as it certain will.

Friday, June 21, 2013

happy solstice

I continue to be very inwardly focused, riding the waves of inner transformation. I hope the solstice energies bring you your heart's desires. I carry all of you in my heart.

Friday, June 14, 2013

what the bleep is happening?

Here are some post I found useful from friends on TWYH:
opps, one post, other would not let me copy and paste, sigh...

Sonara says:
June 14, 2013 at 6:31 am
You’re Now Receiving Powerful Currents of Universal Energy

a message from Meredith Murphy
Wednesday, 12 June, 2013 (posted 13 June, 2013)

Greetings Dear Heart,
You, like many others are experiencing nearly electrifying energy waves incorporating into your field. You realize this is important and
valuable and yet it can be very challenging to handle emotionally and energetically. The intensity of this energy gives you a feeling of
“not knowing what to do,” for even lying down isn’t really that comforting, as the intensity of the energy and it’s electrifying
qualities, do not really subside even when resting.

This gearing up for higher dimensional contact is a natural step in the process of your own expansion into greater quantities and
concentrations of light. With this higher vibrational pitch you are cultivating, by allowing this energy to join in you with you as you,you are opening up a new stream of consciousness within humanity. This
powerful current of Universal Energy is liberating the light of Source into the sphere of humanity. This is a very big deal and it is what you really have been working towards with your efforts to remember and then to support your awakening for so very long.

It will not last indefinitely this energy and so while you are experiencing it, try to give yourself comfort. Try to remind yourself
of all that you knew before you came here. You may not be able to remember specifics, but you certainly can remind yourself that you
knew you were capable of this; that you very much wanted to be here for this; that you would find incredible opportunities for
self-expression and joy and collaboration within this new reality you would be summoning with your attention and grounding and out picturing in your world.

In the world, in your human experience, and out pictured, much remains to come forth and we hope you might even comfort yourself with the
curiosity of this and the anticipation of this and the reminder to yourself that your current intense physical experiences truly are
temporary and will subside.

To support yourself, eat lightly, drink lots of water, lie down and rest when you can and also distract yourself with movies, or music or
beauty so that you can be present and yet focused as much as possible on something you find amusing, funny, beautiful or entertaining.

This will support your body greatly and also help you to pass the time while your light body expands. Your light body is now approaching avenues of expression that are entirely new for humanity as a whole on Earth in this physical form:going beyond direct access to 5th dimensional energies and allowing you to open up very widely to the Universal Source connection within each of you in an embodied expression. This is happening not just
individually to those who move into this embodiment, but as this embodiment is occurring it is altering the momentum of the human
template, and it is building in a way that corresponds to how you think of the 100 Monkey scenario. It’s contagious. Nevertheless, the
energetic experience itself can make you feel nauseous or queasy, tired, electric or revved up and irritated — all at once!

We thank you so very much for your brave participation in such a challenging experience and please know we are right here with you and
offering you as much ease and comfort as our loving light can provide while the physical world transforms. We recognize your plight and so we speak to you today to encourage you to persevere and know this will lift/ebb soon and then you will be renewed.

We love you very much.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Beloved, abundance bracelet, portal

For those interested, I just added photos of my abundance bracelet that symbolizes the transformation that occurred when I was at Amma last week, a photo of the portal (tree with Buddha head) where I pour out love to the world and know it is coming in from the heavens and the bowels of Gaia and a photo of Beloved, the archetypal figure I created during a year long process called Way of the Doll in 1999, the year of the beginning of the Galactic wave of the Mayan calendar. Enjoy, my loves. kisses

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

release exercise

Found this easy and useful:

Whether you find yourself in this in-between stage, or simply wish to step deeper into the light, as a way of energetically assisting those into the light who seem to have lost their way, I offer you this powerful healing experience. Simply read the following words out loud and notice how you feel. You can repeat it as often as you wish, but it only needs to be done once for the effects to take place. Whether felt immediately or gradually throughout the day as you integrate it into your field, let us step forward as lightworkers and assist in Heaven's arrival by thanking the outdated lower vibrational timelines for all they have taught us and release our attachments with ease, grace, joy, and love:
"I allow all lower vibrational timelines to be acknowledged, cleared, and released out of all energy fields - returned to the Source of origin; to be transmuted completely and returned to the purity, wholeness, and perfection of eternal light, as I AM now."
Matt Kahn I got from FB link to big energy updates

I knew how to fly when...

feeling inspired to share an exercise I created last week in my writing class: 

I knew how to fly when
I was seven although my feet never left the ground
I knew how to fly when 
I blew on a dandelion, knowing dreams come true
I knew how to fly when
I dove into your eyes, certain all would be well
I knew how to fly when
I left home with only a bicycle and two bulky suitcases
I knew how to fly when
I turned my back on your endless cage
I knew how to fly when 
I boarded the plane leaving behind everything I’d ever known, with only red heart underwear, a box of Teuscher’s champagne truffles and your hand to hold me
I knew how to fly when
I bought the around the world ticket without knowing Nairobi is in Kenya
I knew how to fly when
we would arrive in the next country with only a guide book and two tiny stuffed bears with loud Hawaiian shirts 
I knew how to fly when
I dove past the garden of blossoming tentacles of soft coral feeding on the plankton in the swift current
I knew how to fly when
I insisted on finishing my Pina Colada on Koh Tao while a drunken customer fired off his pistol
I knew how to fly when
I sucked my tank dry, alone with the mammoth mantra rays emerging from the gloomy waters like mythical creatures of forgotten times
I knew how to fly when 
only the blink of the answer machine gave me enough courage to fly a thousand miles to meet you for the first time, knowing you would be with me for the rest of my life
I knew how to fly when
I followed my dolphin friends a hundred miles from land, lost to the ship, into tumultuous waves of hurricane tossed waters, guided only by my absolute joy and my sense of belonging
I knew how to fly when
I let you go after 23 1/2 years together, knowing the pieces of our puzzle no longer fit
I knew how to fly when
I put my faith in myself and not in my bank account
I knew how to fly when
I realized my relative calling my an irresponsible numbskull was only a reflection of my own self hatred
I knew how to fly when
I stopped judging my way of being and saw myself as a Divine masterpiece
I knew how to fly when
I was certain all I had devoted my life to was real and that we are the beloved
I knew how to fly when
my eyes cleared of their blindness and I saw my own infinite value
I knew how to fly when
today I cried hot tears of joy in yoga class, kissing my arms and breast, welcoming myself home to my own embrace

Saturday, June 8, 2013

dropping into your heart

The Mystic’s Message

by Ray Rolando

channeloftheweekDROPPING INTO YOUR HEART –
Have you heard that term before? Do you know what it means? Are you generally a logical person? Yes, you are. You use your mind to get through your day, prioritize things, ensure you get paid, ensure there is food on the table, etc.
However, you are a light worker. Hmmm… what a conflict?! How do you go to work in your daily routine, knowing the things you know about things NOT actually being routine? How do you exist in the workplace with people stuck in 3D dramas? How do you exist around those constantly pointing fingers, blaming others for everything in their life, and taking zero responsibility for anything, including EVERYTHING you have watched them manifest and create? By accepting that this is their journey and that yours is knowing better, staying in your heart.

You might be asking, “But how do I drop into my heart amidst the anger that arises that I must exist in BOTH worlds?” If so, the answer is GRATEFULNESS. Be grateful for “them”. Forget the teachings for a moment that they are part of you, etc, etc. Just FIND happiness in the moments where you recognize how far you have come. They are your best teachers. They are completely serving you, and your light is serving them.
Remember, just to be a human being, with a consciousness that allows choice means that we are ALL enlightened. To what degree? Well, that is where grace and choice begin to come together. You see, you have the grace to have some of the highest teachings on life that exist on the planet. You have the choice whether or not to live by them or visit them every once in a while. If you CHOOSE to live by them, then your brilliance will grow and delight in it. If you CHOOSE not to live by them, then you will suffer.
If you are suffering, then there are basic teachings you need to revisit. Surrendering doesn’t mean looking at someone in your field more successful than you and thinking, “What am I not doing?! Oh well…” No surrendering means KNOWING that you are exactly where you are for a reason, or many reasons actually and that you are burning off karma at a rate you cannot even understand. YES, THIS ABSOLUTELY REQUIRES A FEELING OF UNREQUITED TRUST!!! However, that is just a feeling. In fact, you are being rewarded far more than you most often would like to admit. Isn’t that true? I mean, think of the grace you have because you know the things you know.
Less than 3% of the population of the planet has been exposed to such teachings to date… or at least in a way that they would know it and have the opportunity to say thank you. So consider yourself one of the lucky few. With that territory comes some other things that allow you to feel alone, but ONLY if you choose this. Realize, loved one, that you are absolutely making choices to feel certain ways in every moment.
So, look around yourself now. Find one thing you are grateful for… one thing that has absolutely changed your life in some magical way over the last six months, and say, “Thank you.” from the bottom of your heart. And this action will bring you back there.
When you are too “heady”, find a way to say thank you and this will bring you back into your heart where transformation happens so much faster when you are in non-resistance. Ans, believe us, you are doing SO much better than you think you are.
With so much love in my heart for you,
You are LOVEDLOVEDLOVED……… THE MYSTIC  go to features drop down to the weekly channel

Friday, June 7, 2013

we're doing great!

Just read and loved this, this is what is up for me. From the mystics message on the cosmic path:

If you are suffering, then there are basic teachings you need to revisit. Surrendering doesn’t mean looking at someone in your field more successful than you and thinking, “What am I not doing?! Oh well…” No surrendering means KNOWING that you are exactly where you are for a reason, or many reasons actually and that you are burning off karma at a rate you cannot even understand. YES, THIS ABSOLUTELY REQUIRES A FEELING OF UNREQUITED TRUST!!! However, that is just a feeling. In fact, you are being rewarded far more than you most often would like to admit. Isn’t that true? I mean, think of the grace you have because you know the things you know.
Less than 3% of the population of the planet has been exposed to such teachings to date… or at least in a way that they would know it and have the opportunity to say thank you. So consider yourself one of the lucky few. With that territory comes some other things that allow you to feel alone, but ONLY if you choose this. Realize, loved one, that you are absolutely making choices to feel certain ways in every moment.
So, look around yourself now. Find one thing you are grateful for… one thing that has absolutely changed your life in some magical way over the last six months, and say, “Thank you.” from the bottom of your heart. And this action will bring you back there.
When you are too “heady”, find a way to say thank you and this will bring you back into your heart where transformation happens so much faster when you are in non-resistance. Ans, believe us, you are doing SO much better than you think you are.
With so much love in my heart for you,

Thursday, June 6, 2013

June gratitude and abundance

lots to be grateful for:

huge healing seeing Amma, fun time with college boyfriend, wonderful trip with Karin, going to the river with kids on last day of school, cool mornings and evenings, deer passing by, TWYH, phone call with new friend Aliyah, gorgeous new bracelet, last day of school, cappuccino, new wisdom and understanding, time and space for my inner growth, wisdom, such intimacy and harmony with daughter, KNOWING my role and value, healing my cracked identity, all of you. the river, waterfall, friendship, hugs, skills support daughter and riding a wave of loss and grief, school's over, pizza, Lucia, air conditioning, community, releasing guilt and unworthiness. fun dinner, in town beating the heat, not getting up for school, increasing feelings self worthy, deeper understanding our true nature, innate sense the journey is worth the price, increasing stamina and trust cool morning! slept almost 9 hours, hugs, interesting conversations, cool breeze in this moment, connecting to fascinating people, finding my tribe at TWYH (, increasing awareness and understanding, increased appreciation of my own value, time in silence, beauty, friendship. cool morning, deep sleep. freezing at night, yum!, instant answer to a prayer for information, loving support, clear guidance, writing class, bird song, wasband cutting grass, COOL MORNING, MADE IT TO YOGA, SUCH A CREATIVE DAY YESTERDAY, DINNER CELEBRATION FOR END OF WRITNG CLASS, feeling clear and powerfully creative yesterday, daily more clearly seeing my own value and the blocks that keep self doubt in place, the joy of writing., harmony with daughter, health coach session, cool days, unexpected healing session, silence, space, relative financial freedom, healthy, many insights, community, understanding, intimacy, shifts, hot springs, abundance, peace, waterfalls, generosity, mini miracles, rain, cold!!, slippers, day to myself, endurance, Virginia City, beauty, bunny O.K. after accident, growing plants, birds, my reliable and gorgeous painted car, intuition, opportunities, minuscule faith, slept almost 9 hours, sound of rain, enjoying writing and editing my piece for writer's group, so much time to myself, Moonlight is ok after accident, inner love increasing, constantly increasing insight and clarity, easy 43 hour fast, increased acceptance, coll night, sleep tight, wonderful pot luck with delicious food, great company, writing group outside on the deck, slept great, friendship with Janah, cleaned my bathroom!, house much more organized and clean and I didi it!, breezes, plants doing well, Moonlight fine, calmer, straightened out tickets, lovely evening for party, driveway repaired, caused hardly anything and I thought could be VERY expensive

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

healing a cracked identity

Another unedited comment I posted on TWYH. ( Warning: My writing teacher tells us it is inappropriate almost always to extend unpolished writings yet for me the energy of transformation is so intense, I do not have the space now to polish what i write. REad at your own risk.)

Huge realizations pouring in for me daily. June feels so much more spacious and light than May. May was a humdinger for me energetically. Here are some of the things I am discovering. 
The primary thing is a shifted identity. I see how in so many ways I saw myself as defective or inadequate. My relative calling me an irresponsible numbskull is so wonderful for me now as over 20 years later I get the gift, recognizing how I accepted that definition of myself. Combined with my other relative’s comment about whether or not she dared mention the “j” word, J. O. B., it ties together to help me now witness how not having a full-time job since 1987 (harmonic conversion) and not having a regular source of income (irresponsible numbskull) wove together with societal expectations of success to create this cracked identity, despite all my intent, focus, hopes, healing to reverse those false concepts. I am now recognizing how a large part of me still bought it. I saw myself as somehow wasting my life (know that this was all at a fairly unconscious level) by sitting around processing energy. Reading Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth about what he calls frequency holders brought tears to my eyes as I began to witness some value to my life. Yet deep inside, I still judged myself and wondered why I couldn’t just be “normal.” Part of me was waiting for the day when I would just wake up and kick into gear.
Flash to now. Daily I have a felt sense of my contribution and value. I witness how I have a level of understanding and consciousness that is still quite rare. Even people I respect and think must have themselves together because they published books, are accomplished teachers, are yoga masters I often find are still limited by judgment or a dark view of the current world. I see so much progress and change and feel deeply encouraged. I see so much love and compassion and feel glad, finally, to be human.
I can not describe what it feels to wake up daily with an increased appreciation and understanding of my contribution and value. It is a paradigm shift for me and so delicious. As I embrace myself with incredible love, as the feeling of coming home to myself increases, as my need for others’ love or approval diminishes to almost nothing, it as though I have done a complete shift. It is surprising to me that I could not see myself clearly before. I am only glad that now I do and I hope to share that wisdom here in the hopes that anyone who may still be lost in self loathing will wake up and see their exquisite beauty.
I was at Amma yesterday. She is known as the Divine Mother and for me is the embodiment of unconditional love. Being in her presence blew another awareness into me. It relates to what Sara was saying about abundance (on THWH) and not truly trusting that new earth is real. Sara, for me your contribution is clear and very valuable and certainly not too detailed or long. Reading it after returning from Amma helped me anchor what my realization was. This part was particularly critical:
 “I am trusting this to be a clearing of a very deep level of fear that this whole new earth thing isn’t going to work (can’t believe that’s still there but it is!). That no matter how lovely it feels/looks and how much it seems we have done it, it could be taken away/get reversed/be fake. I think this is actually where all this is coming from because it’s about being thrown back into a world that runs on money and fear, and having none whilst being in it because I spent it all in a spiritual delusion (this is making me chuckle but it is apparently a hugely real fear!). Plus Atlantis/Lemuria etc where this ‘didn’t work’, which is coming up for clearing now.”

Here’s what unfolded for me. I always buy a bracelet worn by Amma when I am there to help anchor the frequency of unconditional love in my body. I bought one a little pricer than usual. Later I saw an extraordinary bracelet I wanted. It was very expensive by my standards. Obsessing about the bracelet, I could not concentrate on being with Amma. The energy felt so intense I could not even stay in the hall where she was. I had to be outside to try to manage the intense squeezing in my skull ( wished it was numb ha) As I considered buying the bracelet, a million judgments were coming up: you can’t afford it, are you crazy, you are greedy, you are selfish, you are irresponsible, etc. I had to stay outside as my mind circled about buying the bracelet or not. Plus I’m thinking, yea, real spiritual. You are going berserk trying to decided about some bracelet when all the other spiritual people are chanting so nicely and focusing on service and world peace while you are focused on acquisition. Slap, slap. Upper cut to the jaw, you little spiritual faker. Get a life. Etc. The pressure in my skull was so intense I thought the top of it would just blow off. The pressure increased and like a maniac I kept going back and trying on the bracelet, than leaving it. I hid this shopping mania from my friend as I didn’t want her to know what a shallow, materialistic creature I was. I managed not to buy it, knowing how ungrounded I was. Then it was finally time for darshan, for getting in line to receive my hug from Amma ( she has hugged many millions of people, bestowing her love 
I was still very distracted by my shopping question. This sort of dilemma was very common to me for many years and recently returned after many years absence in one other memorable situation with similar dynamics, berating myself for taking a vacation I couldn’t really afford and buying some beautiful but expensive (by my standards) clothes. As the line moved forward, I slowly started to calm down. By the time I was close to Amma, I felt serene and was crying. Her embrace was exceptionally long and deliciously loving. I sat bathed in love and self acceptance afterwards. The pressure was gone. I was at peace.

So here’s what I realized. The whole situation came up to help me heal this whole belief in scarcity, in me being irresponsible. Like Sara, a part of me doubts this is real and I am thus afraid to act on any belief in abundance, to take my beliefs to the bank so to say. It is irresponsible to spend when I don’t have certain income, is what I was telling myself.  I also chose to repair my car rather than keep a very large check from the insurance. Yet I was filed with doubt. What if this feeling inside of abundance and faith is a chimera. What if I crash and burn as I did in Lemuria. All that stuff. The pressure in my head was the incredible weight of my own doubt and self judgment. Being near Amma literally blew it out my crown chakra and I reached greater clarity about my purpose, my value, my wealth, my true nature. And yea, I bought the bracelet and is it very spectacular. Why shouldn’t I since I have unlimited abundance, right?

Monday, June 3, 2013

the power of self love

Two big awarenesses dropped in. Again I have to steal my unedited comment on TWYH. I am feeling subtle yet major inner shifts for the better. YEA! Will see Amma tomorrow. YUM!

Two big awarenesses dropping into my heart. The more I work with my projected upset with my relative for calling me an irresponsible numbskull the more I own that was my own stinkin'thinkin'. I saw a not so well made yet sweet DVD yesterday maybe called Bonds of Love? with Treat Williams about a man with an IQ of 58 who married a women who had had a very traumatic life with lots of emotional stuff. It is based on actual events. His family tried to legally forbid the marriage and the doctor asked the woman why she would want to marry a man with such problems, She said because he loves me. He was always telling her how beautiful and amazing she is. Made me realize how often I tell myself the reverse and I had tears in my eyes in my yoga class as I kept kissing myself. I felt such love and appreciation for myself and such sadness at my own self judgment. How critical it is that we love ourselves and refuse to speak one word, think one thought against ourselves. Our love has such amazing power for healing.

The second is how I have made myself a puppet to money. I spent 2 1/2 years intensely releasing my need for other people's love once I saw what a puppet I was to that need. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I had spent 2 decades gearing up for that transformation. Yet I did it at about 90% level and what freedom. Saw today how I've done the same with money, made myself small and kow towed to it. I see how I have given it power over me and it is so engrained in our thinking about survival I can hardly even imagine it is possible not to be a slave to it. There is no end to the need for money, no safety there, no security because whatever you do, it can be yanked. There is no freedom there: investments can go down, $ can be stolen, you can be fired, literally no way to be safe if one depends on money for living. This is why so many of us have been hit at the most basic level, health and money, to wake up to the fact that we have been giving out power away and seeing ourselves as limited by being puppets to a power outside ourselves. WE must claim our abundance and health as an inner knowing otherwise we are slaves forever. I am ready to claim my freedom. Lightworkers unite! Actually I am also seeing it is time to stop identifying as a light worker, for me has it's own limitations. I am "just" me. Me or I is everything, there is nothing more, beyond the totality of my I AM. 

Saturday, June 1, 2013

guides and symptoms

I am feeling a bit more human yet still not able to write much except on TWYH in response to comments. I am choosing to pass on this unedited writing in the hopes it may serve others in some way. Sending love as we go through this massive transition! I will be blessed to be able to hug the "hugging saint" Amma this Tuesday. I will add all of you to my energy so if you feel a blast of love Tuesday you'll know why.

I have been having intense hot flashes, a little vertigo and nausea. I was facilitating my class during the moon void phase Tuesday and everyone's voice sound so loud and were pounding in my head. Then Wednesday around the same time, late afternoon, a strong energy woman was talking to me as my body heated up to melting and I had to leave the restaurant, daughter inside, to go outside and breath.
My biggest positive symptom is a feeling of unity, connection, intimacy and connecting love. I am generally at peace and much more trust is coming in. I have no clue how "problems" will be resolved yet for the most part am able to release them to the Universe for resolution. And having the animals show up is lovely although today a very weird bug, almost like a scorpion but one I have never seen and had to toss out of the house.
I have a new guide named Astartay, has anyone ever heard that name? (someone let me know it is Astarte, beautiful goddess of fertility and sexual love, Phoenician). She said mine is an archetypal journey, like the Inanna myth ( where I had to be taken to the underworld and everything removed- eyes, skin, hair until I was reduced to bare bones so I could rise as the embodiment of the Divine. Again, she said it is very rare for people to have the willingness and courage to be willing to release ALL their ego. This is what created the heaviness that has plagued my life. She said it has been more difficult for me than for most people. Yet I sense some on this site are on the same archetypal journey and thus will reap the same rewards, Christ consciousness embodied. She swears I'll wake up 2014 feeling 100 pounds lighter. I am not willing to give any date any power yet it sounds good. 
We are changing an entire planetary code and way of being that has existed for millennium, it does not make sense to me that it can be over from one day to the next and for everyone in the same timing. I have heard numerous times that my way of being is what will do the primary healing for others by enticing them to want to know how I created such an amazingly wonderful life- yes, I must stretch my imagination on that one. Really hope the physical symptoms decrease as I am flying to Europe in July form California and right now I can sometimes barely make it to town. And if not, of course mutiny then is still an option.