Tuesday, June 25, 2013

the beacon- a turning point

This was probably the most significant turning point in my understanding of the true nature of love. It occurred 2 1/2 years ago and is something I just wrote for my writer's group.

As her marriage continued to disintegrate, it became increasingly obvious that instead of being the adored and cherished wife, her feelings and needs were no longer appearing on her husband’s radar screen.  Maybe it was just the proverbial straw breaking the camel’s back. All she knew is that this one incident on this one tempestuous night suddenly catapulted her into feeling as though her body would explode. She literally could not bear the pressure and felt herself propelled out of the house. Instinctively, she did not want her daughter to witness such a complete disintegration. She made it outside of the house before a shriek split the air. The sound Dopplered back to her. Some aspect of her wondered where that primal, inhuman sound emanated from. What flashed through her was the image of an indigenous tribe out of National Geographic. When she realized it had come from her own throat, a tiny part of her was conscious enough to be very frightened by this keening.
She ran pell mell down the steep drive. The wind and rain gouged her face. The cold of the stormy winter night did not penetrate her awareness. Her need to escape was all that existed. She wanted to run so fast that she would physically out distance herself. She felt as though her skin was tearing, trying to contain her grief.
She ran down the dirt road, pursued by inner demons. Her mind was blank, obscured by the intensity of the physical sensations shredding her. She ran until she could not longer stand. She collapsed into the trunk of a moss covered tree. The wet tendrils caressed her cheek. She held on with a death grip, her feet balanced above the tree’s deep roots. Her hair dripped silent tears. Her hands clenched the rough, scared bark of the massive tree. Slowly her breathing began to calm down. She could hear her frantic heart beat begin to steady itself. An ant crawled across her vision. Inexplicably, a calm began to settle in her bones. She was able to lift her head from the tree’s shelter and take in the dark world around her. The sound of rushing water soothed her frayed senses.  After a final embrace, she said goodbye to her beloved friend with a kiss, thanking the tree for it’s restorative grace. She walked slowly, as though awakened from a trance, delighting in every splash of the cascading run off. Frogs croaked a welcome. A peace oozed through every pore of her skin. Had she ever known such total tranquility?
Everything was perfect, the dark sky, the rain now only splattering it’s renewal. She walked to a pipe dug under the road, mesmerized by the waterfall sounds flowing through the drain. It was the most delightful sound she had ever heard. Her body tingled with a sweet vibrancy. Slowly her mind returned and she knew her family would be worried. She started languidly back towards the house. In the distance she saw her husband and daughter’s shapes emerge from the gloom walking towards her. Yet she was already home.
It was quite sometime later when she was able to grasp what had happened to her. Years of training in the pain body release process of Cellular Memory Release had conditioned her to be able to withstand ever great amounts of pure emotion, from grief, to rage to joy. Paradoxically, by physically plunging fully into any emotion and allowing it entirely, one is miraculous aligned with the frequency of wisdom that runs the entire Universe. Her training had kicked in that night to enable her to physically dive into the unadulterated experience of absolute grief. Her mourning was not conscious, yet in hindsight she was able to recognize that she was grieving her lose of illusions about love. She understood in a visceral way that she could never obtain the love she had sought her whole life in someone outside of herself. She morned the loss as though a child had died. She was clear that what had driven her for her entire life was now dead. She felt terrified to understand that only a love that emanated from within would answer her deepest yearning. The intellectual understanding of this harsh truth had dropped into her gut. Her absolute commitment to clearing all the obstacles to love in her life had brought her to this awareness. Yet her complete allowing that night of what was occurring in her body moment to moment was the open sesame that swept her rapidly into a state of wholeness, of being, of love.   It took several more years to begin to more fully embody that new reality yet the hour spent in that state of complete surrender was a beacon guiding her home.

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