healing a cracked identity

Another unedited comment I posted on TWYH. ( Warning: My writing teacher tells us it is inappropriate almost always to extend unpolished writings yet for me the energy of transformation is so intense, I do not have the space now to polish what i write. REad at your own risk.)

Huge realizations pouring in for me daily. June feels so much more spacious and light than May. May was a humdinger for me energetically. Here are some of the things I am discovering. 

The primary thing is a shifted identity. I see how in so many ways I saw myself as defective or inadequate. My relative calling me an irresponsible numbskull is so wonderful for me now as over 20 years later I get the gift, recognizing how I accepted that definition of myself. Combined with my other relative’s comment about whether or not she dared mention the “j” word, J. O. B., it ties together to help me now witness how not having a full-time job since 1987 (harmonic conversion) and not having a regular source of income (irresponsible numbskull) wove together with societal expectations of success to create this cracked identity, despite all my intent, focus, hopes, healing to reverse those false concepts. I am now recognizing how a large part of me still bought it. I saw myself as somehow wasting my life (know that this was all at a fairly unconscious level) by sitting around processing energy. Reading Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth about what he calls frequency holders brought tears to my eyes as I began to witness some value to my life. Yet deep inside, I still judged myself and wondered why I couldn’t just be “normal.” Part of me was waiting for the day when I would just wake up and kick into gear.

Flash to now. Daily I have a felt sense of my contribution and value. I witness how I have a level of understanding and consciousness that is still quite rare. Even people I respect and think must have themselves together because they published books, are accomplished teachers, are yoga masters I often find are still limited by judgment or a dark view of the current world. I see so much progress and change and feel deeply encouraged. I see so much love and compassion and feel glad, finally, to be human.

I can not describe what it feels to wake up daily with an increased appreciation and understanding of my contribution and value. It is a paradigm shift for me and so delicious. As I embrace myself with incredible love, as the feeling of coming home to myself increases, as my need for others’ love or approval diminishes to almost nothing, it as though I have done a complete shift. It is surprising to me that I could not see myself clearly before. I am only glad that now I do and I hope to share that wisdom here in the hopes that anyone who may still be lost in self loathing will wake up and see their exquisite beauty.

I was at Amma yesterday. She is known as the Divine Mother and for me is the embodiment of unconditional love. Being in her presence blew another awareness into me. It relates to what Sara was saying about abundance (on THWH) and not truly trusting that new earth is real. Sara, for me your contribution is clear and very valuable and certainly not too detailed or long. Reading it after returning from Amma helped me anchor what my realization was. This part was particularly critical:

 “I am trusting this to be a clearing of a very deep level of fear that this whole new earth thing isn’t going to work (can’t believe that’s still there but it is!). That no matter how lovely it feels/looks and how much it seems we have done it, it could be taken away/get reversed/be fake. I think this is actually where all this is coming from because it’s about being thrown back into a world that runs on money and fear, and having none whilst being in it because I spent it all in a spiritual delusion (this is making me chuckle but it is apparently a hugely real fear!). Plus Atlantis/Lemuria etc where this ‘didn’t work’, which is coming up for clearing now.”

Here’s what unfolded for me. I always buy a bracelet worn by Amma when I am there to help anchor the frequency of unconditional love in my body. I bought one a little pricer than usual. Later I saw an extraordinary bracelet I wanted. It was very expensive by my standards. Obsessing about the bracelet, I could not concentrate on being with Amma. The energy felt so intense I could not even stay in the hall where she was. I had to be outside to try to manage the intense squeezing in my skull ( wished it was numb ha) As I considered buying the bracelet, a million judgments were coming up: you can’t afford it, are you crazy, you are greedy, you are selfish, you are irresponsible, etc. I had to stay outside as my mind circled about buying the bracelet or not. Plus I’m thinking, yea, real spiritual. You are going berserk trying to decided about some bracelet when all the other spiritual people are chanting so nicely and focusing on service and world peace while you are focused on acquisition. Slap, slap. Upper cut to the jaw, you little spiritual faker. Get a life. Etc. The pressure in my skull was so intense I thought the top of it would just blow off. The pressure increased and like a maniac I kept going back and trying on the bracelet, than leaving it. I hid this shopping mania from my friend as I didn’t want her to know what a shallow, materialistic creature I was. I managed not to buy it, knowing how ungrounded I was. Then it was finally time for darshan, for getting in line to receive my hug from Amma ( she has hugged many millions of people, bestowing her love amma.org) 

I was still very distracted by my shopping question. This sort of dilemma was very common to me for many years and recently returned after many years absence in one other memorable situation with similar dynamics, berating myself for taking a vacation I couldn’t really afford and buying some beautiful but expensive (by my standards) clothes. As the line moved forward, I slowly started to calm down. By the time I was close to Amma, I felt serene and was crying. Her embrace was exceptionally long and deliciously loving. I sat bathed in love and self acceptance afterwards. The pressure was gone. I was at peace.

So here’s what I realized. The whole situation came up to help me heal this whole belief in scarcity, in me being irresponsible. Like Sara, a part of me doubts this is real and I am thus afraid to act on any belief in abundance, to take my beliefs to the bank so to say. It is irresponsible to spend when I don’t have certain income, is what I was telling myself.  I also chose to repair my car rather than keep a very large check from the insurance. Yet I was filed with doubt. What if this feeling inside of abundance and faith is a chimera. What if I crash and burn as I did in Lemuria. All that stuff. The pressure in my head was the incredible weight of my own doubt and self judgment. Being near Amma literally blew it out my crown chakra and I reached greater clarity about my purpose, my value, my wealth, my true nature. And yea, I bought the bracelet and is it very spectacular. Why shouldn’t I since I have unlimited abundance, right?