Thursday, July 31, 2014

stay the course

Today I am reading Sue Monk Kidd's The Invention of Wings. It is clear to me this is not a coincidence, following my viewing of the movie about Nelson Mandela. It is about two historical women, the Grimke sisters, courageous stand as abolitionist and the fictional bravery of several slaves to not bow and accept their lot. This past month has been a real eye opener for me. In those few days where I was not sure I could go on, I came to realize in a startling new way how huge this accession process is. I was humbled and bowed, afraid I was not up to the task at hand. I really wondered if I could withstand the internal and physical pressure I was feeling. I came way with a greater appreciation of my own courage and that of all you dear hearts that continue to stay the course, to embody your true selves, to find the well spring of love inside that is the Source for all of us. I was definitely initially intimidated by the vision of how vast and complex this planetary process is. In addition to feeling daunted, I was also swept away by the expansiveness, unlimited power and possibility my prescience was revealing to me. I am inspired by the courage of all those who have gone before us, committed to removing injustice, hatred and fear. I proudly join their ranks, while yes, often quaking in my boots. I say yes to life, to love, to joy, to discovery, to what is.
One of the more difficult parts I recognized in a new, clear way is that I must release the control that has been one of my main sources of feeling safe, surrender to the current of the mystery of my life without trying to grab on. This was an eye opener to say the least and I have such compassion and empathy for all of us as this dynamic plays out. I see it in myself, friends, clients. It ain't always easy yet I know together, we are invincible. Combined with my increasing clarity revealing our potential and power, my certainty is growing in leaps and bounds.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

the long road to freedom- releasing control

So much awareness is flowing in fast and furious. It is almost too much to articulate yet the one thing that is very clear is that control no longer works for me. I see how I want to strategize and control anything I think might be difficult or uncomfortable  I even want to control others as I do not want their upset to upset me, especially if I only recently regained my own balance! I am seeing over and over how I have made things idols in my life to lift me out of depression, fear, upset. They might be small things like sugar or a cool day or large things like trying to maintain another's love for me or manipulating life to ensure my safety or survival. These to limit me and keep me trying to control life. Lately, they have lost their power to seemingly save me.
For me the road has been so long and arduous that I sometimes get discouraged. At the same time I feel a power arising in me that feels awesome and invincible. I catch more quickly any limiting thoughts and ideas. Last night I watched a wonderful movie about Nelson Mandela and his influence on peace in South Africa called Nelson Mandela: the long road to freedom. It is a powerful movie yet what struck me the most was how long he had to have faith, maintain his vision, stayed true to his purpose. He was imprisoned for 31 years, most of them in horrifying conditions. His wife Winnie suffered terribly too and turned to rage, bitterness and violence. He acknowledged his desire for revenge yet said he had a greater desire which was for peace. He said if he resorted to violence, he would end up imprisoning himself and his people just as surely as the whites in power had imprisoned themselves in their fear and violence in their attempts to maintain power with force. Mr. Mandela was sentenced to life in prison. He had to hear of the death of his son and mother, unable to even be at their funerals. He was unable to see his dauber for over 13 years. He had much to discourage him, make him give up. Could he possibly have foreseen the future where he would be president? It was such a turnaround from a situation that for so many years seemed absolutely hopeless. For me, it applies to our bid for freedom, for internal and planetary freedom. Can we keep that faith when all seems darkest? Can we keep our vision when our eyes are confronted with such despair and violence? Can we stay the course, regardless of the obstacles strewn in our path?  One of the most challenging moments for me lately was when I realized I had become indifferent and apathetic. I wanted to just give up, roll over, quit everything. Now that I am past that point I thank it for deepening my commitment to see this through. The next step is to release the control that has felt like my only salvation through so many years of challenge. Can I truly trust a force greater than myself to have only my best interest, regardless of how it appears? Can I surrender into the mystery of life? This is my intent and I would love it if you would join with me. As President Mandela said, alone we are weak, together we are unstoppable.

My dear sister B. J. sent this to me and it totally aligns with what I am experiencing. Thank you B. J. 

The Golden Age

Posted: 29 Jul 2014 10:51 PM PDT
Archangel Michael through Celia Fenn : New Year July/August 2014 Once again you have reached the "New Year" of your planet. As you approach the end of July 2014, a turbulent month filled with challenges, you are now ready to cross the threshold and enter into a New Year of Light, Time and Experience. Will you choose to move with the rising light and into a new level of ...

...When you awakened, you began the process of activating your Light Body and activating your DNA in accordance with the Divine Template or Blueprint for Human LIfe. When you were ready, you were able to receive the Light Codes that activated the Christ Consciousness with its Golden Christ Light, and the Diamond Codes that activated your Galactic Consciousness and enabled you to align fully with the incoming Galactic Light Codes.

The combination of an active Light Body and Light Activated DNA creates a powerful energetic flow that can be directed through the Heart and the Higher Chakras to create what we would call "Core Power" in each awakened and conscious individual.

This means that you have a power and an influence that goes beyond your mind and your simple mental thoughts and judgmemnts. You have a flow of energy that is aligned with the Cosmic Heart and you can draw on that power at times when you feel blocked, challenged, or without focus and direction on the Mental level.

Core Power is centered on the Heart, and it must be felt and experienced, rather than thought about. It is higher than the mental and emotional aspects of being, and is expressed primarily as feeling, passion, intuition and trust.

Once this level of feeling and passion is activated in the Body/Light Body, then it can be directed downwards into the Mental, Emotional and Physical aspects of Being, allowing solutions and opportunities to manifest in an easy and natural way.

As you begin to work with Core Power, you will notice two things happening. Firstly you will be challenged on many levels, and secondly you will learn to let go and allow the power to flow and create solutions in your life.

The challenge will come from allowing the Core Power to take over and be the leading force in your life. Your mind and your emotions will seek to assert their control over you. They have been in control most of your life, and will be unwilling to just let go of their illusion of control. So many situations will arise where you will be confronted with a choice, to either use your Core Power, or to follow your mind and your emotions, or, as a Master to allow them to work in harmony and in balance. For the "natural" flow of energy is to engage the Core Power and then bring that through so that it may be expressed as mental, emotional and physical energies in the "real" world.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

simply surrender and more free goodies

I had the opportunity to have a session yesterday with the wonderful "wholer" Doug Mitchell (for those of you local). I feel very different since the session, regained a sense of balance, spaciousness, desires, energy, motivation. What a bizarre experience much of the month has been. This difficult energy lasted longer than usual for me and definitely had me shaking in my boots. The way I approached it was to try to control it, make it go away, use techniques to feel differently then I did. Yet in the end it was an act of grace that shifted it. I scheduled this appointment months ago and for some reason then switched it by a week or so. How could I have known that I would need it or when I would need it? He is booked out months in advance so I just randomly pick date. Or is it random? I am understanding at an ever deeper level that the Universe has my back and I must surrender to receive full benefit  When I resist,  fighting and arguing with what is, it prolong the challenge. In the end it was something outside myself that supported me. I want to direct how this ascension goes, know what is coming up, say yes to this and no to that. Yet ultimately I am clueless on how to set myself free. Of course I must do my part, show up and be with what is. Yet I have really over thought this whole process. I was thinking about writing this blog about surrender in the morning before yoga. In yoga we had a substitute teacher and the classroom was very warm. I was irritated yet chose not to speak up and ask for the AC. I finally decided to surrender and just allow it to be as it was. I swear in that second, the teacher looked at me and asked how the temperature was! I said I was too hot and she turned the air on. I almost laughed. For me it was that darling little universe making sure I got the clue, the signpost that I was on the right track with my surrender choice. Surender is a concept that has taken me forever to get. I cannot fully express it but basically for me it is taking my hands off the steering wheel and letting life come to me rather than me chasing it. It is trusting my intuition and allowing life to unfold as it does without freaking. It is an abiding trust that all is well.

Here's another free goodie, 21 day free meditation series with Oprah and Deepak Chopra. I tired the first sample and it felt good. It starts in August.

Monday, July 28, 2014

finding new life

July has been an uneasy month for me mixed with this strange release of scarcity and a calm certainty. One moment the unease rules me, the next the calm. What is clear to me is where my consciousness rest affects me in a powerful new way. When I can not sleep, I have trained myself to think about my unlimited potential, my ability to restore myself and others to wholeness. Works like a charm and I often fall back into a childlike sleep. On the other hand if I get caught up in my “problems” or concerns for myself, another or the future, I twist and turn, unable to sleep. I have had moments of such beauty, such connection, such unease, such panic, such indifference. 
I have a metaphor for these times. I received a beautiful magnolia tree for my birthday in May. The tree is temperamental and has not respond well to my intermittent attention. Twice I forgot to water it for several days. Most of my plants can handle that, this one can not. So all her beautiful leaves dropped away leaving her barren and brown. I was sad and decided as an experiment to restore her to life. I send love several times a day, kiss her brown leaves, water her when I remember but always focus on love and life. Nothing seemed to be happening and it seemed I should give up the ghost but I kept at it with caresses and water. Yesterday a miracle occurred as numerous green shoots appeared overnight. What seemed clearly dead is slowly coming back to live. And so it goes in my life. Much feels dead and brown. Several aspects of my life feel unbearable while so many other things are cause for infinite gratitude and thanks. The troubled parts pull my attention more yet when I feed those thoughts, I sink like a boulder. When I feed my thoughts of being limitless, I soar. 
I am tired of the effort, of the sense of needing to be so tenacious, of the feeling the journey is endless. When those thoughts arise, I love them, bless all those parts of myself that want to throw in the towel. I am getting very good at this by being very consequent because the cost of staying in those limits is so high for me. I actually had a few moments of joy that nourished me like water for my tree. I’ll take them and whatever else arises because I’ve come too far to turn back now and because I really have no other choice except despair. My darlings, I send you my love and encouragement. Yes we can.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

free Cellular Memory book

My friend, mentor and teacher is giving a free download of his book. Here's the information. Lots of helpful info. Enjoy.

My birthday is coming up and I want to celebrate it sharing my book with you.

To receive it send an email to:

I hope you find this book useful and beneficial.

I would really like to receive your comments after reading and practicing the tools.

You can leave them here:

In Healing and Awareness,

Luis Angel Diaz, creator of the CMR Process
Author of the Best Seller: "Memory in the cells"


Today is my wedding anniversary which i might have forgotten until i got such a lovely phone call from my soon to be ex husband. We were married 19 years ago today in Big Sur. I am deeply touched by his words and appreciation of me, our marriage, our lives together. I was moved to tears by an email he sent. I wish to honor and celebrate him here. His commitment to love takes a different path yet is as powerful as mine. Georg I love and cherish you.
In this moment, i am wondering, almost regretting i did not devote myself to seeking love primarily outside myself. I feel that yearning sweeping me away. I am turning that yearning back on myself and extending my deep compassion and love to that part of me that so yearns for others to fill me.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

responsibility vs. blame and a dream

I have been pondering like forever how to free oneself of the prison of ego. One thing doesn't work for sure. BLAME or judgment. That just tightens the noose. What does work is taking responsibility. Yet for me it is such a fine line. Raised Catholic, it is easy for me to slip into self judgment, seeing myself as a sinner who just isn't quite up to snuff. So while there are no easy answers, perhaps shining the light will help you each witness your behavior, see if it feels good or not, make changes when you can and surrender to they mystery always. The witness gives you the leverage to make a new choice. Without being able to recognizing what we are doing and whether or not it is beneficial  there is no possibility for change. The change is not made to a sinner with the hopes of making him/her a saint. Now it is for each of us to merely recognize we have forgotten our own magnificence. It feels good to own our unlimited nature, uncomfortable (t say the least) not to. Simple yet not easy.
On another topic I just heard Chopra (thanks Jay) say that hope implies doubt for without doubt there is no need of hope. I always had a question about that so share in case anyone else had a similar question.

Now the dream which was extremely vivid. Since I seldom remember dreams lately and it is hours later, feels important to record.
I hear a noise in the garage. People are in there taking wood. I go out to see what is going on. There are gypsies and they are openly taking what they need and plan to camp on my acreage without permission. I am upset and frightened and ask to speak to someone. No one speaks English until I find someone in a van at the back of the caravan. I begin talking to him. He is not a gypsy but he speaks for them. He asks me what the problem is, saying this is just the way they are, no need for concern. I say but don't I have any choice, they can take what they like?
I suddenly realize we are in motion and are very far from my home. We are in a very barren landscape. It is way too far to walk home and is windswept, without life. The van drives to a house and everyone in the caravan gets out. The house is already full and everyone eats without inviting me or paying any attention to me. I ask to use the phone which I am given. I fear my daughter will be very concerned and afraid. The phone is locked so I ask for it to be unlocked. They unlock it yet the numbers stick and will not dial. I feel very frightened and alone. How will I ever get home?

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

burning with desire

...I felt like crying. This is always how it is, I thought. This is what comes of having a heart on fire that you can never seem to ignore. Yes, you burn. It often hurts and things don’t always go the way you want them to…but when they do it is sensational, absolutely otherworldly and indescribably beautiful. And when this is your aim you do end up having more of these moments than most. It is the only reward of burning.  

Running for Sekhmet

by JENNIFER on JUNE 1, 2008

These words from Jennifer Posada resonate deeply. I feel desire burning within me. I wAnt to break out, break up, break through. I have enough of this life lived in silence and isolation. I adore how it has served me and the gifts it has brought me, holding me as I returned to wholeness. Yet now it is enough and I am ready to LIVE, to DANCE, to CELEBRATE  to LOVE, to ENJOY. I am again reminded of the lines of the poem that says enough to the nay sayers and purveyors of doom, if the apocalypse is coming, let US await it with joy (I paraphrase.)
I read  an old post where my former boyfriend thanked me for my joy and ability to find pleasure in life. I left that part of me in the dust as I pursued spiritual wholeness. Definitely worth the years of attention but now it is ENOUGH. I have no clue how, I just know I am changing directions again, becoming a joy knower.
Yes, I have burned. I have also been to the temple of Karnak, sought answers in those ancient tombs and temples. We had a card made up in Bangkok calling ourselves explores of inner and outer spaces. The first part of my life I explored outer spaces with two world journeys and many years lived abroad  I devoted the next part of my life to the inner journey that was astonishingly rich and painful. Now it is time to integrate the two, to LIVE, to BURN, to BE.
I once burned with a desire that took me years to fulfill  The day I first meet my daughter I began to cry. I literally cried for days, overwhelmed with the completion of that fierce hunger to meet the daughter I knew was to be a part of my life. So many obstacles blocked the completion of that vision yet I hung on like a bulldog on a pork chop. I feel several equally strong desires nipping at me. I feel the impulse to quench the fires, to be done with yearning. But this I will not do. Yes, ultimate the yearning is to be myself yet i intend to enjoy the ride, to glorify in being human, to say a giant 


Monday, July 21, 2014

power and miracles

A gift of the last grueling energies was an arising of a neutrality that had eluded me for years. A situation was causing me grave concern and an inability to forgive. It has escalated recently. I saw it as someone hurting someone I love. I felt I needed to address the situation yet felt how charged I was, afraid to speak in an unbalanced way. Perhaps because I was so flat lined energetically, when an opportunity came up unexpectedly to speak of the challenge, the words flowed with truly amazing grace. I was absolutely neutral, had released all judgment, and genuinely detached from any particular outcome! This after years of anguish that had definitely diminished yet still jabbed me periodically with the certainty my loved one was being harmed and I was helpless to intervene. I cannot put words to the feeling of liberation and grace that flooded me with my ability to speak with absolute neutrality. A gift indeed.

I was just reading a book and a few lines brought tears to my eyes. The book is called Lunch with Buddha. I read these lines referring to the characters visit to a dam. " 'So much power within the earth. It's the same inside meditation.' 'I haven't sensed that, not at all. For me, if anything, there is a quietness.' 'Quiet first, Otto. But quiet is not the end. You must do with the quiet.' 'Do what?' 'Your destiny,' he said. 'Your purpose. The quiet let's you see it, then you do it.'"

What ran through me while reading these words was a certainty and a feeling of power. While I have been much more energized and productive then in the last days, I still feel caught in a way, spending a lot of time in silence, in my hammock, soaking up the breeze. My life feels like it is at a standstill. It definitely does not look like I am coming into my power, fulfilling my destiny. Yet i have a curious peace about, a feeling all is well. While not apparent, I trust this moment is the perfect moment to align me with my power. It is not my preference to have so little apparent forward movement yet I do not question the mystery. Rather I surrender into it, allowing it to have its way with me, curious to see what will arise, at peace with the stillness and grateful for what is. My sense is that this last push was a major catalyst for change. Prior to this year,  it felt to me like there were spiritual "rules" i could follow to receive a good outcome and access inner freedom. Now it feels like all rules, patterns, preconceived solutions are gone. The only way to pass through this intensity intact without experiencing suffering is to surrender and allow it to be as it is.

I again began wearing charms I received as wedding gifts and several I added to my collection. In particular I am wearing the eye of Horus to remind me to keep my eye single, meaning to keep my eye on my unlimited nature, to allow anything unlike that to arise and fall away, to love any aspect of myself that feels neglected, unloved, inadequate, unforgiven. Ultimately, to say YES.

eye of horus : Egyptian papyrus depicting the Horus eye Stock Photo

Saturday, July 19, 2014

sludge and gloom

having to dig deep to keep a modicum of faith; energy very heavy and tiring. can't find any motivation, passion, even desire. hang in there loves, we got this she said while lying in her hammock, praying for relief, sigh...

Friday, July 18, 2014

choice or victim? more inflation on limitation

I continue to examine how i have let myself be trapped by my perceived limitations. Last night I bravely refused to take an herbal sleeping pill. I did in fact sleep through the night, despite waking up in the middle of the night and realizing I was at a choice point to believe I could not fall asleep again, especially without a pill. Yet I slept almost nine hours with nothing. For the last 2 1/2 weeks i have used these pills to sleep, coffee to wake up. Today no coffee because I am tired of limiting myself in that way. I already had a long walk and am feeling so grateful I finally saw more clearly the trap i had set for myself. I was feeling so victimized by my physical constraints. I was looking into the past and projecting them into the future, afraid how they would play out. 
Years ago I saw how my mind had imprisoned me and took a long time ago to release that. Then maybe five years ago I saw how my emotions had dominated and controlled me. I have always been told I am extremely emotional and that was true until I saw the limits and recognized how my emotions pushed me into drama and upset. Slowly I learned to take dominion of them. Now I must do the same with the body. Each time initially it seemed an overwhelming task. Yet I get increasingly how it has never been Me that frees me, rather a grace that carries me. I felt such relief and freedom at 3 am the other night when I saw the way I had locked myself in. Finally I was able to open the door to my freedom, releasing the almost unbearable heaviness of those limits. To me it is clear 2014 is the year many of our limits are being brought to the surface. The cost of our limits seems to increase rapidly, making them more easily apparent. We have no choice about whether or not they surface, or only choice is to feel victimized or empowered as we face these previous limits.
I am certainly not free and clear. My lower blood pressure was alarmingly high just now and my body continues to feel squeezed. Yet I feel such gratitude that I am not falling into my old beliefs and conditioning and freaking out. I had tears of joy as i sensed that I can truly embrace myself as unlimited, as powerful, as magnificent. I can also accept that it is not occurring in my timing, that it is way longer then I could have ever imagined. That alone could sink me if I let it yet I will not let it. Do we have choice or are we victims of our fears? We do not have choice until our consciousness reaches a level that we can SEE the choice. Yet when we do the door is wide open and we can float to our infinite natures, one step at a time.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

releasing body limits

Noticing how my whole life I have been letting go of limits.  My entire life I have drawn on courage I was not certain I possessed to do some VERY scary things. I left everything I knew to travel around the world for years with a man I’d only known briefly who later became my husband. Terrifying. I adopted a child from a foreign country, very scary. I continued to dig into the roots of my anxiety until it is mostly cleared, despite it taking over 30 years. I have faced scarcity about love, perhaps my greatest challenge, then money scarcity and now limits of energy and of the body. This is the greatest limitation I now face. For much of my life my body had been plagued initially by anxiety and overweight and now, for the last 15 years, by repeated bouts of exhaustion, insomnia, depletion. Last night at 3 am it was crystal clear to me that I have formed many beliefs that keep me anchored in those limitations. I have friends agree with me about how real those limits are yet today I spoke to a woman who is sleeping great and it dawned on me that while this process undoubtedly may induce some tiredness, my beliefs and fears amplify this endlessly. Time to let it go.
I saw how freaked out I was when I could not fall asleep again. I have been so fogged I feared I could never be clear enough to resume work on my new web site. I felt fear for the future, how could I live with such a feeling of depletion? I read my Way of Mastery and saw how I was buying my own limiting story and that this is my next opportunity  by releasing the stranglehold I have given my body on my life. It is time to let go of this limitation, to regain my clarity and certainty, to not slip into fear when another night of inadequate sleep claims me. I take full responsibility for drawing this experience to me to highlight the power I have given this limitation. I have already begun to take steps to break this limit. I moved into peace last night at 3am, knowing I might or might not fall back to sleep (I did, thank you God but my herbal sleeping pill intake is over the top), I went to yoga and pushed my body instead of escaping into inertia, I finally braved vocalizing the  changes I desire for my web site (I have felt way to fogged to even face it) and finally I looked at some computer information my dear sister Lu shared with me despite my initial response that I could not possibly deal with it. I am loving and celebrating my own courage and also loving the part of me that feel so inadequate and depleted right now. Will you also love the parts of yourself that seem to limit you the most, drive you around the bend? Can you love and accept other’s inadequacies? If so, we can change the world, one person at a time. Please join with me in a global celebration of releasing our limits and restoring heaven to earth.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

releasing scarcity, limits, the body and time- keeping the faith

We are definitely not in Kansas anymore. Something so major is afoot. For me it seems to have something to do with our sense of time. Anybody else noticing how different one's sense of time is? For me it feels way sped up and also very different especially in terms of the past. My sister in law left less than 48 hours ago and yet once I had seen her for the last time and was driving away, all the amazing experiences we had together receded into a distant place. I could remember them yet my relationship to those experience was very different, not something easily accessed or even remembered except through a great distance. It is all rather disorienting yet I am convinced serves us. I also noticed on my trip that my sense of scarcity of money has evaporated. I choose to order delicious foods with no concern for cost, something most unlike me. I have no evidence to support this shift, except a deep knowing all is well and abundance IS our true nature. Feels a bit scary as it rest in airy fairy feelings of well being. Yet it feels right.
I get that my greatest limits right now are coming from my physical experience of feeling depleted, sometimes exhausted, trouble sleeping long, feeling fogged. I was at my Way of Mastery group for the first time in over half a year and it was all about releasing the limitations of the illusion of the body and the sense of separation it emits. I have no clue what it all means, just am clear that my next big release comes from my continued ability to reside more fully in the present moment and my awareness that this will include releasing my attachment to this body. I am absolutely clueless how this will occur. Thank God I really get that, as the course says, "I need do nothing." In fact it is my insistence on remaining in the driver's seat that slows this whole process down. Still challenging to take my hands of the wheel and let my ship go with the current. I use to need a few knocks to the head to get it yet now I am very willing to get it with ease and grace. The future is also fading from my view so moment to moment I will witness what unfolds.
so much love
and to the weather gods, i am sooooooooo appreciative of this cool breeze after scorching heat; this alone is perking me up.

this just brought tears to my eyes. i am in a time when faith is what is lifting and carrying me. jennifer's words brought it back home to my heart where it has been burning as an ember and reignited the flame. may they bring peace to you too.

...During our trip a monk and nun were each separately asked what the most important goal of a life of Buddhist practice was. The monk thought about it a while and responded, “the cultivation of the mind.” The nun asked was the Abbotess, who responded without much contemplation needed, “loving kindness.”
This loving kindness is not really learned, though it too can be cultivated. It doesn’t always look like hand-holding or gentle praises. It is sometimes like the wrath of a loving goddess…fierce but true. For I received both forms of loving kindness in Tibet, and both served me well. For when I was well enough to speak to my beings again they explained why I had not learned or discerned in advance the challenges we would face in Tibet. They said that I had become very adept at trusting what I knew, even if I only knew it by feeling or by guidance. They said I had had this experience so that I would even more fully trust what I didn’t know, what I hadn’t been shown. (my bold as these were the words that I needed to hear.)
And what do you know but even though our trip in India was rough in so many ways as well, upon arrival home it is clear that my health is much better than before I went on that trip, and my “health condition” which was supposedly serious, is absolutely gone.
So last night, when we watched The Polar Express, I remembered that night in our Lhasa hotel room that it brought us peace for a few minutes. I remember telling myself that one day we would be back home, and well, and that all of that would be behind us. That it would be christmas and we would watch that movie from our warm home together, which seemed like such a far-off dream at that time. It gave me hope…and a link through a window in time to a safe and healthy future that I knew I would experience if I could just hold on.
elder nun 1
We have so many reasons not to believe, especially the bigger our dreams are. The reasons to believe are like elusive neon fish darting through the water on a dark night. We see them for a moment but they seem to quickly disappear and are very hard to grasp. They must be found in the heart, eyes closed and no longer looking for anything. Like a real understanding of loving kindness they can only be found there. And anything that draws us nearer to that utter blindness caused by surrender either forced or voluntary and nested in the harmonics of the heart breeds faith and trust. Then we are home, then we are closer to being fearless, to knowing our divinity completely. And if there is a hand that reaches across the abyss to help us through the harder moments, god/dess bless it. And if you ever wonder what you are doing here on this earth anyway, know that you are that hand to others, and that alone is enough. If you can light that flame that helps another through a dark night, or if you can discover the flame in your own heart, it is enough for an entire lifetime.
With Love and Faith, Jennifer

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

gratitude, observation, discomfort, sliding

First I want to express my gratitude to my sister in law Irmgard for her graciousness, generosity, inner harmony, kindness, fun, laughter and support. Her visit was filled with so many magical adventures.

I just listened to a talk with Jim Self as I was attempting to bring order to the chaos in my home. The talk struck a cord with me as he gave a simple tool to increase one's ability to be the observer of one's experience. He mentioned that it might feel uncomfortable at first as it is so unfamiliar. AMEN to that. This has been what is evolving naturally for me and I have been kicking and screaming a bit as it unfolds.  It has definitely felt foreign and honestly less than welcomed. Today and several times I watched this mind begin to what I call "slip." This mind (I find myself unable to write "my" mind) used to spin so perhaps slipping is progress. When it begins to slip I feel myself begin to slide into upset, disharmony, judgment, discomfort, dislike and ultimately if I do not catch myself, fear even terror. Luckily I can easily recognizing the beginning signs of this rupture and do my best to restore balance and well being. These last weeks all my old tools were not available to me due to outer circumstance so as I said in the last blog, I am also learning to release attachment to anything including my old tools for balance. I started to slide big time today and luckily to dear friends helped me catch myself. Karin especially helps me as I am able to witness her commitment to not buying fear and scarcity in her life. Uschi holds presence and is an excellent support in restoring myself to equanimity and inner peace.
So this morning I was a little freaked, sad to see my dear sister Irmgard leave, stuck in my story about the grueling heat (109 F yesterday) and tired after poor sleep, dispassionate about my work, fogged and directionless. I have been using Matt Kahn's suggestion to say the words to myself I most want to hear and then to love the part of myself most out of harmony. Both tools brought tears to my eyes. I am also feeling very inadequate as a parent lately and so had to bring my love to that feeling of inadequacy. I see soul agreements everywhere yet was in a place where I gave a sh*t. One of the easiest places for my mind to shift into disharmony is with my "enough already" story, i.e., I had enough with this awakening, this ascension. Stop the world, I want to get off energy.
I know I am not alone in feeling the effects of world chaos. I hope I am also not alone in catching myself and saying enough to my stories, loving myself through thick and thin and whispering sweet nothings into my own dear ears when no one else seems up to the job. Let me whisper morsels of delectable love into your ear too. Know how precious and beautiful you are, whether you feel that way today or not.

THURSDAY, 06/19/2014 - 2:00 PM CDT

P.s. please join me in sending loving energy to Rhonda who is recovering from major back surgery.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

releasing attachment and idols, witnessing, allowing

A quick update with these wild and wooly July energies.  JUST RETURNED FROM A BEAUTIFUL TRIP TO THE COAST. YET SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE MONTH I HAVE HAd this sense of detachment, almost surreal observation of my own life. The trip included a birthday gift that I had yearned for, for many years. Nothing went as planned. The gift of the exquisite  hotel room evaporated when the hotel shut down just before our reservation. We booked another hotel that I later realized was one that WOULD NOT BE TO MY LIKING AT ALL. (WHY does computer waNT CAPS?) I changed the reservation again yet ended up in a room without a view, in the fog, without the use of the promised day room with the spectacular view. My point. I got to witness myself in this new surreal way, suffering when i got attached to a certain outcome, enjoying when i flowed with what was. So i allowed the fog obscuring the view, the "wrong" room with the grumpy inn keeper, the rain that forced my cherished planned outdoor French dinner gift indoors in a freak rain storm etc. I am not slow and I could not help but see that so many attachments, little "idols" i had set up to encourage me, jolly me along did not occur as planned. Other wonders arose unexpectedly, could i be flexible? It was so clear to observe how my attachments forced my already stretched body into overwhelm. First after years of intense solitude i was now constantly with others and had to adjust and release my need to have time outdoors alone to rebalance. I got use to others being around and now have to release my preference to have company and assistance with everyday life. As soon as i get my balance and adjust, something shifts. The final irony was that we went by this defunct hotel and the manager offered us the possibility to return and stay free in my most idolized dream room right on the coast once the power was restored by the new owners. Oh how i clutched at this possibility. How i twisted, manipulated, suffered to make it happen. It all came to naught except lesson learned, even the thought of getting the room stressed me for several hours, so that i missed the beauty and wonder right in front of my face, yearning for something else.

I go into detail with this as I see how intrinsic it is to us dear humans to search for salvation outside ourselves. Something or someone should save us. I just saw a movie based on true events called "Reaching for the Moon." It is a cautionary tale about obsessive love based on real people. One of the women in the movie cries, "If I don't have what I want I am lonely and sad. If I do, I am afraid I am going to lose it and the waiting is unbearable.” Yes, I saw so clearly how not getting what I wanted caused suffering but only if I attached. It was such a breath of freedom, of joy when I could release the attachment, enjoy the room i DID have, celebrate the fog, embrace the grumpy hostess. A surge of joy and liberation blanketed me.

A few days later I fell into a DARK HOLE AND WAS fillED with DISCOMFORT AND IRRITATION. Someone around me was in a worse mood and acting very difficult. I could not accept what was occurring and literally wanted to run away. As I was still on the trip, surrounded by others, with no access to solitude or time alone in nature, I could not rebalance in the way I usually do. Attaching to my need for solitude, nature, more sleep was too painful to endure so I had to find a new doorway to acceptance. I finally dropped into my heart and really heard the other person's upset. My heart flooded open and the day shifted from nightmare to celebration. This whole experience has taught me ever more clearly the danger of attachment. For several nights I barely slept and even getting attached to being rested caused further sleeplessness until i could let that go too. During this whole time I have this weird sense of watching myself, not being the one who is disturbed or even the one who is enjoying things. There was this distance between the me in this body and the one who was observing everything. It feels unfamiliar and not too comfortable although seemingly it is suppose to be a good thing. The jury is still out so I will allow allow allow and see what appears next. Sending so much love and a constantly burning flame  that assures me all that is occurring is supporting our joy, if we allow it.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

love revolution- being a lighthouse

I am sensing, hearing, reading that we have entered a new era as of today. For those in the first wave, it is time to let go of the focus on healing and begin to live the lives of our dreams, shifting from light worker to light liver, lighthouses. Sounds exciting yes? Perhaps not the easiest to shift gears yet we will see. In honor of this event, I have birthed a new statement for the second half of the year.

I am embodying and living the love revolution, extending it to infinity.