A gift of the last grueling energies was an arising of a neutrality that had eluded me for years. A situation was causing me grave concern and an inability to forgive. It has escalated recently. I saw it as someone hurting someone I love. I felt I needed to address the situation yet felt how charged I was, afraid to speak in an unbalanced way. Perhaps because I was so flat lined energetically, when an opportunity came up unexpectedly to speak of the challenge, the words flowed with truly amazing grace. I was absolutely neutral, had released all judgment, and genuinely detached from any particular outcome! This after years of anguish that had definitely diminished yet still jabbed me periodically with the certainty my loved one was being harmed and I was helpless to intervene. I cannot put words to the feeling of liberation and grace that flooded me with my ability to speak with absolute neutrality. A gift indeed.
I was just reading a book and a few lines brought tears to my eyes. The book is called Lunch with Buddha. I read these lines referring to the characters visit to a dam. " 'So much power within the earth. It's the same inside meditation.' 'I haven't sensed that, not at all. For me, if anything, there is a quietness.' 'Quiet first, Otto. But quiet is not the end. You must do with the quiet.' 'Do what?' 'Your destiny,' he said. 'Your purpose. The quiet let's you see it, then you do it.'"
What ran through me while reading these words was a certainty and a feeling of power. While I have been much more energized and productive then in the last days, I still feel caught in a way, spending a lot of time in silence, in my hammock, soaking up the breeze. My life feels like it is at a standstill. It definitely does not look like I am coming into my power, fulfilling my destiny. Yet i have a curious peace about, a feeling all is well. While not apparent, I trust this moment is the perfect moment to align me with my power. It is not my preference to have so little apparent forward movement yet I do not question the mystery. Rather I surrender into it, allowing it to have its way with me, curious to see what will arise, at peace with the stillness and grateful for what is. My sense is that this last push was a major catalyst for change. Prior to this year, it felt to me like there were spiritual "rules" i could follow to receive a good outcome and access inner freedom. Now it feels like all rules, patterns, preconceived solutions are gone. The only way to pass through this intensity intact without experiencing suffering is to surrender and allow it to be as it is.
I again began wearing charms I received as wedding gifts and several I added to my collection. In particular I am wearing the eye of Horus to remind me to keep my eye single, meaning to keep my eye on my unlimited nature, to allow anything unlike that to arise and fall away, to love any aspect of myself that feels neglected, unloved, inadequate, unforgiven. Ultimately, to say YES.
I was just reading a book and a few lines brought tears to my eyes. The book is called Lunch with Buddha. I read these lines referring to the characters visit to a dam. " 'So much power within the earth. It's the same inside meditation.' 'I haven't sensed that, not at all. For me, if anything, there is a quietness.' 'Quiet first, Otto. But quiet is not the end. You must do with the quiet.' 'Do what?' 'Your destiny,' he said. 'Your purpose. The quiet let's you see it, then you do it.'"
What ran through me while reading these words was a certainty and a feeling of power. While I have been much more energized and productive then in the last days, I still feel caught in a way, spending a lot of time in silence, in my hammock, soaking up the breeze. My life feels like it is at a standstill. It definitely does not look like I am coming into my power, fulfilling my destiny. Yet i have a curious peace about, a feeling all is well. While not apparent, I trust this moment is the perfect moment to align me with my power. It is not my preference to have so little apparent forward movement yet I do not question the mystery. Rather I surrender into it, allowing it to have its way with me, curious to see what will arise, at peace with the stillness and grateful for what is. My sense is that this last push was a major catalyst for change. Prior to this year, it felt to me like there were spiritual "rules" i could follow to receive a good outcome and access inner freedom. Now it feels like all rules, patterns, preconceived solutions are gone. The only way to pass through this intensity intact without experiencing suffering is to surrender and allow it to be as it is.
I again began wearing charms I received as wedding gifts and several I added to my collection. In particular I am wearing the eye of Horus to remind me to keep my eye single, meaning to keep my eye on my unlimited nature, to allow anything unlike that to arise and fall away, to love any aspect of myself that feels neglected, unloved, inadequate, unforgiven. Ultimately, to say YES.
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