A quick update with these wild and wooly July energies. JUST RETURNED FROM A BEAUTIFUL TRIP TO THE COAST. YET SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE MONTH I HAVE HAd this sense of detachment, almost surreal observation of my own life. The trip included a birthday gift that I had yearned for, for many years. Nothing went as planned. The gift of the exquisite hotel room evaporated when the hotel shut down just before our reservation. We booked another hotel that I later realized was one that WOULD NOT BE TO MY LIKING AT ALL. (WHY does computer waNT CAPS?) I changed the reservation again yet ended up in a room without a view, in the fog, without the use of the promised day room with the spectacular view. My point. I got to witness myself in this new surreal way, suffering when i got attached to a certain outcome, enjoying when i flowed with what was. So i allowed the fog obscuring the view, the "wrong" room with the grumpy inn keeper, the rain that forced my cherished planned outdoor French dinner gift indoors in a freak rain storm etc. I am not slow and I could not help but see that so many attachments, little "idols" i had set up to encourage me, jolly me along did not occur as planned. Other wonders arose unexpectedly, could i be flexible? It was so clear to observe how my attachments forced my already stretched body into overwhelm. First after years of intense solitude i was now constantly with others and had to adjust and release my need to have time outdoors alone to rebalance. I got use to others being around and now have to release my preference to have company and assistance with everyday life. As soon as i get my balance and adjust, something shifts. The final irony was that we went by this defunct hotel and the manager offered us the possibility to return and stay free in my most idolized dream room right on the coast once the power was restored by the new owners. Oh how i clutched at this possibility. How i twisted, manipulated, suffered to make it happen. It all came to naught except lesson learned, even the thought of getting the room stressed me for several hours, so that i missed the beauty and wonder right in front of my face, yearning for something else.
I go into detail with this as I see how intrinsic it is to us dear humans to search for salvation outside ourselves. Something or someone should save us. I just saw a movie based on true events called "Reaching for the Moon." It is a cautionary tale about obsessive love based on real people. One of the women in the movie cries, "If I don't have what I want I am lonely and sad. If I do, I am afraid I am going to lose it and the waiting is unbearable.” Yes, I saw so clearly how not getting what I wanted caused suffering but only if I attached. It was such a breath of freedom, of joy when I could release the attachment, enjoy the room i DID have, celebrate the fog, embrace the grumpy hostess. A surge of joy and liberation blanketed me.
A few days later I fell into a DARK HOLE AND WAS fillED with DISCOMFORT AND IRRITATION. Someone around me was in a worse mood and acting very difficult. I could not accept what was occurring and literally wanted to run away. As I was still on the trip, surrounded by others, with no access to solitude or time alone in nature, I could not rebalance in the way I usually do. Attaching to my need for solitude, nature, more sleep was too painful to endure so I had to find a new doorway to acceptance. I finally dropped into my heart and really heard the other person's upset. My heart flooded open and the day shifted from nightmare to celebration. This whole experience has taught me ever more clearly the danger of attachment. For several nights I barely slept and even getting attached to being rested caused further sleeplessness until i could let that go too. During this whole time I have this weird sense of watching myself, not being the one who is disturbed or even the one who is enjoying things. There was this distance between the me in this body and the one who was observing everything. It feels unfamiliar and not too comfortable although seemingly it is suppose to be a good thing. The jury is still out so I will allow allow allow and see what appears next. Sending so much love and a constantly burning flame that assures me all that is occurring is supporting our joy, if we allow it.
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