Saturday, August 31, 2013

spinning the joy thread still

As I am writing this, someone is reading one of my blog's so my visitors now number 10,001, a number I once looked forward to. (I  regret most of you don't show up on my little globe as I love seeing where each of you is from.) Now so often what once held me no longer feels significant. I shift so often I never really know how I'll feel about one thing or another. I was pleased to see two people today looked at my post about the poem spinning the joy thread, Dec. 21, 2010. I had that poem pop in my head earlier today, probably as someone was looking at it here. This is happening with greater frequency. Someone pops in my head and a minute later they call. I see someone about to do or something, and seconds later they do or say what I had just imagined. Fascinating.
I am here to share again about joy. Two awarenesses fell into my lap. For now I just want to say that the feeling of joy has left me high and dry for now. I find that loss to be one I grieve. Yet one of the things that always brings me delight is to greet a fellow sister or occasional brother (right now that is my experience) spinning the joy thread. I recognize them immediately. Their energy proceeds them. I saw a woman I have never seen before at NIA yesterday. Her exuberance spilled from her eyes and I was heartened by it. I thank all you unseen borthers and sisters for contributing to my joy, wherever you are on the planet, by sharing your own bliss. Thank you for the bottom of my heart.

9999

9999 visits to my little blog family- whoppee!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

busting shame

I have posted a new photo of my grimy refrigerator to help bust shame in myself and others. It is ugly so it won't be posted for long as beauty is important to me.

9/3/13 I am leaving the photo up for a week. Look now as I will remove it tomorrow.

I am hearing so many people judge themselves for this or that. It feels very sad to me. How I wish I could wave a magic wand so we could all see our true grandeur.

segment from post of 8/19/13

During my more energetic period I cleaned out my refrigerator from bottom to top for I believe the first time in my life. I cleaned it rarely previously and when I did, it was always by taking one shelf at a time. I am going to post a photo of it when I get a chance as previously I would have been so ashamed. Now I see it as evidence of how challenging this journey has been for me and I view it with gentle compassion. I share it is my strong intent and desire is to encourage those of you in similar circumstances, diligently intending to free yourself and perhaps often comatose in the process. Be gentle with yourself, my darlings. Know it will end, know you are gorgeous, a masterpiece choosing to wipe off the mud that may be hiding your magnificence. Know your own value, whether you are productive or not, doing or not. Being is everything. I witness now how my ever increasing ability to just be is of infinite value and, ironically, contributes in so many ways to adding joy to life, to being available with a helpful word when others fall apart, to snuggling, to sharing love and appreciation sometimes with a smile to an unmet fried. It is delicious beyond words. My darlings, may you always know your own infinite worth.

from post 8/27/13  Today pick something you dislike about yourself. Choose to know that by allowing this, by embracing this, by cherishing yourself with this, you are freeing yourself, you are breaking the chain, you are liberating yourself and thus the world. Will you join me in this heroic act of liberation. I’d love to hear from you if you choose to join me. Sending so much love and encouragement.

joyous water

I am writing to thank all the water which has added so much joy to my live. Clear Lake in Indiana gave me some of the greatest happiness of my childhood and was like a parent to me. My many adventures scuba diving, snorkeling and swimming have been one of the most sustained sources of joy for me. I am so grateful to my sister Yuba, mother ocean and sister waterfalls. I know I sound like a tied dyed hippie but they do feel like relations to me. I have posted some new photos below of the Mediterranean Sea in Piran, and a waterfall on the Yuba. These are two place that have brought me extraordinary bliss and helped me integrate the intense transformation initiated by all the light flooding the planet.
My intent is to honor all the connection I have felt, the joy, the mood altering celebration I have known immersing myself in the glorious waters of Gaia.

another mind bender- ultimate surrender


The Ultimate Surrender - Matt Kahn/TrueDivineNature.com 



wrap your mind around this:
you are perfect exactly as you are, you have never made a mistake

beyond duality

I just read this thought provoking article. It is rather complicated and perhaps not so easy to follow yet I think important. I have been reading a book that is helping me dismantle subtle ways I still let the archetype of patriarchal religion keep me locked in the idea of good/bad, right/wrong, sin and keeps me tied to an imperfect image of myself. This article points to how false aspects of the new age, of being a "lightworker" can also trap us. See what you think.

HTTP://WWW.ASCENSIONHELP.COM/BLOG/2013/08/23/WHY-I-AM-NO-LONGER-A-LIGHT-WORKER/ 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

cherishing yourself no matter what, embracing and cuddling your limitations


Darlings,
The last week has not been easy for me and yesterday was a significant struggle. My mind wanted to buy all kinds of problems. For the first time in a long time, my body was gripped with anxiety. Everything seemed to make me edgy. I wanted to judge myself, my life, my parenting, you name it. Yet when I checked in to Oracle Report, which I only do now when I feel really funky, no surprise the energies were up and she requested we stay positive and not buy the bullshit. I did my best and used the most important antidote there is, loving myself no matter what. So I choose to love myself, embrace myself, cherish myself even though, especially since I was feeling anxious, incompetent, unproductive, useless, fearful, uncertain, unclear. The day reflected my jumpy energy and I felt I was making errors here and there. I just let it be and loved myself the more. Sweetheart, I ‘d love to encourage you to do the same. Today pick something you dislike about yourself. Choose to know that by allowing this, by embracing this, by cherishing yourself with this, you are freeing yourself, you are breaking the chain, you are liberating yourself and thus the world. Will you join me in this heroic act of liberation. I’d love to hear from you if you choose to join me. Sending so much love and encouragement.
P.S. Today feels better.

Friday, August 23, 2013

miracles and slowing down

Beloveds,
We are in the midst of radical change. Apparently August 25th is a pivotal turning point. I am noticing so many tiny miracles showing up in my life and the lives of those around me. One simple example. My daughter's phone charger was at her dad's and she felt desperate to have it. We stop to get a coffee and the town is having a street fair. We walk over for a peek and what are they selling very inexpensively? phone cords. Need a parking space in Tahoe? no problem.  Some information? Next person happens to mention the answer. And so on.

I also feel like I drank 50 coffees, speeded up to hyper drive. With the speed of such radical change, I highly encourage you to keep it simple, rest as much as possible, spend time in nature, immerse yourself in water and most of all-
S L O W   W A Y  D O W N!! Keep it as simple as possible and give yourself the space and time to have your body adjust to the incoming light. Sending so much love.
savannah

Monday, August 19, 2013

gorgeous self love and appreciation


The greatest gift these times have brought me is an exquisite level of self love and appreciation. I had a huge shift, perhaps it was in June and since then I am delighted with my ability to accept self and others. I notice my and their foibles with compassion and even humor, smile or nod depending on the situation, no longer plagued by the internal demons who called me harsh names for years.
I think I taught my class “Self Love is not for Wimps!” in 2006-2009. I have finally realized that vision of self acceptance. Since my return to the States, I have felt unusual. After initially being gun-how cleaning, writing, creating I have gone into a low energy, non action state. I am accepting this with total love and trust, knowing when the time is right I will act. For years I despised myself for being so passive, uninvolved with the world and seemingly doing nothing. In a very real way that was accurate; I was doing nothing. Yet internally I was shifting and transforming at what I now recognize as supersonic speed. All my energy was on conquering the inner monsters, releasing false beliefs and trauma, healing ancient wounds while raising my daughter, moving, getting separated from my husband and a few other life events. Yet with my non conformity to my family of origins values and roles as doctors, lawyers and the lone senator, I saw myself as worth very little, I could not see my own value. Not any more. Now, if anything, I must be careful not to swing the other way into self aggrandizement. I am so appreciative of the years of courageous attention to healing the wound of separation, to releasing all obstacles to love. I was and am extremely tenacious and committed. I adore how loyal I have been to my own path, my values, my vision. It is now begin to pay off richly with inner peace, almost complete self acceptance, awareness of my unlimited nature, joy, appreciation, and such inner spaciousness.
During my more energetic period I cleaned out my refrigerator from bottom to top for I believe the first time in my life. I cleaned it rarely previously and when I did, it was always by taking one shelf at a time. I am going to post a photo of it when I get a chance as previously I would have been so ashamed. Now I see it as evidence of how challenging this journey has been for me and I view it with gentle compassion. I share it is my strong intent and desire is to encourage those of you in similar circumstances, diligently intending to free yourself and perhaps often comatose in the process. Be gentle with yourself, my darlings. Know it will end, know you are gorgeous, a masterpiece choosing to wipe off the mud that may be hiding your magnificence. Know your own value, whether you are productive or not, doing or not. Being is everything. I witness now how my ever increasing ability to just be is of infinite value and, ironically, contributes in so many ways to adding joy to life, to being available with a helpful word when others fall apart, to snuggling, to sharing love and appreciation sometimes with a smile to an unmet fried. It is delicious beyond words. My darlings, may you always know your own infinite worth.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Last Night as I was Sleeping- poem


Last Night As I Was Sleeping
A poem by Antonio Machado
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a spring was breaking
out in my heart.
I said: Along which secret aqueduct,
Oh water, are you coming to me,
water of a new life
that I have never drunk?
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a fiery sun was giving
light inside my heart.
It was fiery because I felt
warmth as from a hearth,
and sun because it gave light
and brought tears to my eyes.
Last night as I slept,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that it was God I had
here inside my heart.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Now I Become Myself- May Sarton


Now I Become Myself
Now I become myself. It's taken
Time, many years and places;
I have been dissolved and shaken,
Worn other people's faces,
Run madly, as if Time were there,
Terribly old, crying a warning,
"Hurry, you will be dead before--"
(What? Before you reach the morning?
Or the end of the poem is clear?
Or love safe in the walled city?)
Now to stand still, to be here,
Feel my own weight and density!
The black shadow on the paper
Is my hand; the shadow of a word
As thought shapes the shaper
Falls heavy on the page, is heard.
All fuses now, falls into place
From wish to action, word to silence,
My work, my love, my time, my face
Gathered into one intense
Gesture of growing like a plant.
As slowly as the ripening fruit
Fertile, detached, and always spent,
Falls but does not exhaust the root,
So all the poem is, can give,
Grows in me to become the song,
Made so and rooted by love.
Now there is time and Time is young.
O, in this single hour I live
All of myself and do not move.
I, the pursued, who madly ran,
Stand still, stand still, and stop the sun!

    May Sarton

Monday, August 12, 2013

100 Euro miracle territory

I want to chat about the magic that is in the air. I am finding myself more able to catch my mind trying to trap me in limitation and bust through those illusions. One example illustrates this perfectly.
My sister (out law) found a wonderful place for us to do a ropes course in the trees. We've done it before and loved it. I had just been to the bank and didn't want to carry my purse. My smallest bill was 100 Euro. I stuck it in my camera case. I then got distracted while I convinced the people that we did not need to do the safety lecture again. We went on our merry way and had a fantastic afternoon, not freaking as the wind began to blow and rain splashed us. The rain stopped, the wind died down and all was well. Until we were leaving and I remembered my 100 Euro. Opps. I had pulled out my camera in the trees and bye-bye 100. Initially I felt stupid and silly for forgetting it but NO OTHER REACTION STIRRED IN MY BODY. Now 100 Euro is between $125 to 140 depending on the exchange rate. No small amount especially on my budget.
I watched myself rather stunned at my neutrality. The place was just closing but we found an employee who helped us search, gallantly offering to swing through the zip lines peering down maybe 40-50 feet to try to spy my folded green Euro. Didn't seem too plausible and, not surprisingly, he didn't find it. I told him (Herr Holzer, forgot his first name) I wanted to leave my phone number in case anyone found it. He said, sorry, if someone finds it, you can forget it, you'll never see it again. I said with absolute conviction, sorry, but you are wrong. If someone finds it I WILL get it back. The only question, which seemed highly implausible given the vast canopy and ground of vegetation, was would it be found.
We went off to dinner and I throughly enjoyed myself, convinced one way or another I get my money back. I WAS CERTAIN. Both my daughter and Irmgard looked at me with more than mild skepticism but I didn't let it affect my great mood.
The next day at lunch the call came. A 14 year old boy had found it on the path and turned it in. It seems that the only way it could have happened is that I took a photo high in the air at the only point the rope course crossed the path far below. I whopped so loud some of you may have heard it around the globe. I was thrilled to get the money back. I was more thrilled to get a powerful taste of the magic and unlimited possibilites of aligning with the abundance of our true natures.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

live happ illy- where's the joy?

Beloveds,
It is wonderful to reconnect with all of you. The last weeks have been quite an adventure with many joyful experiences and some critical awarenesses. I have looked forward to sharing some of my more memorable experiences with you.
I was in Europe visiting my in/out laws. For the first two weeks I had one pleasurable experience after another. After years of slogging through the mud of consciousness with only a few oasis's of pleasure, this was beyond a welcome relief.
The trip started with me creating a lot of suffering. I left July 3rd and was just energetically coming out of the tailspin that were the months of May and June. Despite trying to counter it with a lot of mental chatter, my predominate energy about the plane flight was one were I was deeply concerned I would not have the energy to pull it off. Needless to say my creation came true with delayed flights, long delays, switched aircrafts, missed flights, huge lines at security in London and even a body search. After numerous hours waiting in London and a tearful outburst, I was so exhausted I literally doubted I could go on. I have almost never felt so depleted. I finally remembered to call for some help from my inner and outer resources. Immediately I found a place to lay flat with my daughter sweetly perched guarding over me as I fell into a profound altered state. All the noise and chaos of the airport receded into the far distance and I was miraculously able to restore myself enough in that hour laying down to go on. It was a very powerful experience.
So then came the weeks of fun and games including one of the best days in my life. My marvelous sister in/out law took my photo that evening and happiness radiates from my face. I will see if I scan the photo in sometime.
But the next day I felt sad as we left the incredible joy I felt swimming in the clear Mediterranean waters near Piran. I would have preferred to stay longer but our plans took us to Italy. I felt regret and some resentment even. When I arrived in Dueno I was not a happy camper. The water was slick with some unpleasant looking substance, the little beach had lots of people in their chairs with umbrellas and it did not really appeal initially. So I pulled myself together and found things to like. I loved the patio at breakfast, looking on the bay. I loved Dama Blanca guarding the old castle when I swam to her feet. I loved the Italian cappuccino and was entranced with my cup that said live happily with the logo for the Illy coffee company embedded in the word happily. I decided I would be so happy to have that cup and asked to buy one. After much discussion on our last day, they offered it to me as a gift. Unfortunately they gave me the expresso cup, not the cappaccino. And here's where I got to explore the difference between my understanding of happiness and joy. Happiness is situational and thus ephemeral, fleeting.  The moment I received the expresso cup my stomach dropped out and I felt terrible. Silly I know but one little example of how I can chase happiness yet never capture it. I did not appreciate the generous gift and I started to spin, wanting MY CUP. I couldn't let it go and schemed how to get my cup. The details don't matter, what matters is the underlying reality that happiness can not last. I watched myself get addictive when the happiness eluded me. I bought a shirt I didn't need and don't even really like to keep the claws of unhappiness at bay on a day where I was wiped out by humidity and extreme heat. I chased a dessert I couldn't live without when I felt those weeks of happiness begin to slip away. 
I decided to make that little expresso cup work for me and set about determining how to pull it off. I decided to use it as a symbol  of what brings lasting joy. For me joy is a state of being, a consciousness. This is something that can last as it is based on Who I AM rather than a temporary state. More often lately, I am resting in pure awareness that is neutral and carries such freedom and yes joy. In this place, others' actions are netural. I am not pulled by the tide of co-dependency or special relationships, one of my biggest remaining traps. I simply AM. This is what I choose to remember when I look at my expresso cup
I am back in the States. After feeling overwhelmed at the end of my trip by a need for silence and solitude, I now feel a bit lonely and isolated. It is clear I can never create continuous conditions to my liking in the pursuit of happiness. What I am recognizing is that the pursuit of happiness is absolutely linked to suffering. Then I am pursuing something that can never last. So my intent now is to strengthen my commitment to going the distance, to restore myself to my true nature, to remember that place within where I am at home in very circumstance, at peace with every moment. A tall order yet it is clear to me nothing else will bring me the joy I know is all of out true nature. 
So often on this trip I was able to recognize my true unlimited nature. And it has nothing to do with cappuccino cups.

P.S. I order the cappuccino cups from Illy when I got home. I serious doubt they will bring me much genuine happiness but hey, I thought I'd experiment and see what happens. Maybe at least five minutes of pleasure.

Ah, and I did manage to get a photo of the cup and happy photo and posted it below.