The greatest gift these times have brought me is an exquisite level of self love and appreciation. I had a huge shift, perhaps it was in June and since then I am delighted with my ability to accept self and others. I notice my and their foibles with compassion and even humor, smile or nod depending on the situation, no longer plagued by the internal demons who called me harsh names for years.
I think I taught my class “Self Love is not for Wimps!” in 2006-2009. I have finally realized that vision of self acceptance. Since my return to the States, I have felt unusual. After initially being gun-how cleaning, writing, creating I have gone into a low energy, non action state. I am accepting this with total love and trust, knowing when the time is right I will act. For years I despised myself for being so passive, uninvolved with the world and seemingly doing nothing. In a very real way that was accurate; I was doing nothing. Yet internally I was shifting and transforming at what I now recognize as supersonic speed. All my energy was on conquering the inner monsters, releasing false beliefs and trauma, healing ancient wounds while raising my daughter, moving, getting separated from my husband and a few other life events. Yet with my non conformity to my family of origins values and roles as doctors, lawyers and the lone senator, I saw myself as worth very little, I could not see my own value. Not any more. Now, if anything, I must be careful not to swing the other way into self aggrandizement. I am so appreciative of the years of courageous attention to healing the wound of separation, to releasing all obstacles to love. I was and am extremely tenacious and committed. I adore how loyal I have been to my own path, my values, my vision. It is now begin to pay off richly with inner peace, almost complete self acceptance, awareness of my unlimited nature, joy, appreciation, and such inner spaciousness.
During my more energetic period I cleaned out my refrigerator from bottom to top for I believe the first time in my life. I cleaned it rarely previously and when I did, it was always by taking one shelf at a time. I am going to post a photo of it when I get a chance as previously I would have been so ashamed. Now I see it as evidence of how challenging this journey has been for me and I view it with gentle compassion. I share it is my strong intent and desire is to encourage those of you in similar circumstances, diligently intending to free yourself and perhaps often comatose in the process. Be gentle with yourself, my darlings. Know it will end, know you are gorgeous, a masterpiece choosing to wipe off the mud that may be hiding your magnificence. Know your own value, whether you are productive or not, doing or not. Being is everything. I witness now how my ever increasing ability to just be is of infinite value and, ironically, contributes in so many ways to adding joy to life, to being available with a helpful word when others fall apart, to snuggling, to sharing love and appreciation sometimes with a smile to an unmet fried. It is delicious beyond words. My darlings, may you always know your own infinite worth.
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