Tuesday, December 31, 2013

trust in the darkness

I recently returned from San Francisco where my daughter and I experienced the tactile dome at the Exploritorium. The dome is a large half a sphere in pitch darkness. One finds their way through the dome with only the sense of touch to guide the way. I had the sense when I booked it, that it was a powerful metaphor for my life right now, maybe for all our lives. I forgot about that sense of symbolism  until after the fact yet now I am again struck how that experience mirrors my life.
The first time through I went with my daughter and she had a tiny bracket that glowed in the dark. It somehow diminished the experience so I asked her to take it off. We took turns taking the lead. The second time through it was totally dark and we went more on our own. Of course now we had a sense of the route that involved sliding, crawling, groping, climbing through a variety of textures and solidity, from squishy to bumpy. There is one part that is quite unexpected and had me first shouting then giggling with the surprise (withheld so as not to be a spoiler in case anyone ever tries it.) I had experienced the dome decades before in my youth and actually was nervous about it now. Would it be hot, claustrophobic, narrow, too difficult? It was none of these things. I really did it hoping my daughter (13 years old) would enjoy it. Turned out I loved it. The third time through we went by  ourselves with no help from each other. I was really enjoying it until I came to a cavernous room where i felt nothing except the ground under my stocking feet. I could reach the ceiling and then found the walls yet no opening. I felt a moment of panic, even though I knew I would find it, had found my way twice before and was actually being monitored by the guide who could see and hear us, I am guessing with an infrared camera. I had to slow my breath way down, recenter myself and CALM down before again feeling everywhere to find the gap. It was probably a matter of less than a minutes yet the sense of panic was significant. Here is where the most powerful sense of metaphor came in. I knew I was safe, protected and had the ability to get out of there. I had deliberately made it more difficult by losing the tiny light we had the first time and by going alone the third time. The uncertainty and challenge added to the excitement and pleasure. O.K. here it is. They keep saying life is like game we set up, a hologram for our enjoyment of returning ourselves to our Divinity. Now for me this is like no way Jose. I have not enjoyed the suffering, the uncertainty, the fear. Or have I on some level? Why did I choose to make it harder in the dome, to go alone with no guide except my own hands and my own sense of confidence in myself? Because it made it more interesting! That is very symbolic to me for these times.
For me, I feel like I am groping in the dark. My future is uncertain, particularly my finances. The way has been arduous, dark, grueling, so long. Is that perhaps on some level adding to a sense of pleasure at the fantastic accomplishment of breaking free? of finding my own way? It is the first time I could genuinely even consider that possibility. What if on some level I want to reclaim my own magnificence and the best way to do that was to go on a long journey into the opposite? I am at least now willing to consider the possibility.
Here is what made all the difference. I had already been through so I trusted I would get out. I knew I was being watched over so I was protected. I knew I had the resources to find my way since I'd done it before. I trusted I would come out of the darkness and thus I enjoyed the whole experience. So back to life. What if I could really trust a benign force has my back, is watching out for me? What if I could trust I really do have all the resources necessary to pull off this game called life? What if I fully surrendered to a totality of trust, could I then actually enjoy the twist and turns, unexpected dead ends, feelings of being lost and alone, fear I would never find my way out? WOWOWOW. Now there is a fabulous idea to carry into the new year 2014. Beloveds may you know and trust you are safe, you are protected, you are aware, you are capable, you can do this thing called life with grace and even enjoyment.  I am seeing the same for myself. May we all pass through the darkness knowing all is well. And so it is.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

happy Christmas

May the love of Christ fill your days and your heart; may you always remember the love that you are.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

what is my Source? letting the light shine from my tree

A huge awareness just popped in. I want to get it down to help anchor it. It is the taste of freedom roaring in on a dragon's wing. I have been sitting with my financial situation for about a year, getting no where fast. Despite a number of attempts, my plans to bring in income have just sputtered along. I recently became aware I was trying to create abundance and that the trying came from ego, from effort, from control and would never really fly. So then I felt in quite the dilemma; if I try I fail, if I don't have income, how will I support myself and my daughter?
Many years ago I said that the markets were the source of our freedom. For many years my wasband and I were able to play in the financial markets to buy us the freedom to live the lives we wished, devoted to our various pursuits, his being art, mine is awakening to Love. When I made that comment about the markets being our source of freedom to a woman we were visiting in Santa Fe she said, no, they are not your source, your Spirit is your source, or something to that affect. I remember the conversation crystal clear even though so much has faded from my mind and this was about two decades ago.
So when my finances started unraveling awhile back I saw the Universe was seeking my attention. We had survived many market crisis and sailed along. Now that foundation was crumbling.  Yet I was not able to get the full message or to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. I kept asking the Mystery (my new favorite term for the Gods, Universe, Love, Divine, what have you) to answer my questions, to help me know how to accomplish things without trying, to resolve the paradox. A huge piece of the riddle unfolded just now. 
A few weeks ago I pulled out old papers from my Master's program and began tossing many of them. I held back a few to read over to decide whether to keep them. Somehow I never got around to it and had to throw them in a corner to clean up for my ritual. So last night I pulled them out and looked through them by the lights of my twinkling Christmas tree. Oh, my God, the symbolism could not be more perfect. I read two papers in particular, one about a relationship project with a relative to heal our wounds and another about my challenge in seeing myself as worthy in my family of origin since I do not meet the family standards of success which include doctors, lots, lawyers, lots, a senator, several big officials in Washington D.C. , an investment banker etc. I also reviewed a number of rating scales I had created to evaluate where I was in the areas of being self loving, releasing judgment and so on. On those scales I had made huge progress and almost complete reached my goal. Yet on the self worth, self acceptance without a sizzling career and with my relationship project I had not shifted so much. I noticed it without judgment, perhaps a little sadness. 
While I was sorting my papers, I was listening to a message from Lisa Renee. I could not really concentrate so I began this morning as I was cleaning up again. I had tried to read the post with no luck. So I was wondering around picking up and this picture coalesced within as I listened to her read the post. She talks about the tree of life and how you have to have strong roots to progress. I had recently come to understand how so many people focused on the spiritual side of life can be top-heavy, meaning they totally value love and spirituality yet they have trouble grounding, dealing with first chakra survival issues, have financial problems and so on. This seems almost like an epidemic in spiritual circles. I saw how I was caught in the same trap.
Now understand I already knew all of this intellectually yet listening to Lisa's words this morning it was as thought the light came on, hence the perfection of the symbolism last night, lights on a tree twinkling me awake. I really KNOW now this is my task, to break all attachment to love, success, safety being externalized. I have gotten a few little kicks lately not to place my source of love on friends, my joy on externals and now my safety and survival on money. THEY ARE NOT MY SOURCE! Could it be any more clear? All this is happening to force me to get that my Source was and is internal,  connection to the Divine, to the Mystery. It is to guide me into strengthening my root chakra, the roots of my tree of life by KNOWING I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE CONNECTED TO SOURCE, TO UNLIMITEDNESS, TO ABUNDANCE. These are benevolent forces bring my attention to what is not yet Whole. I also saw an entirely new level of projection I had made on my family and one relative in particular, that they were judging me for being unworthy. I then starting projecting on myself as unworthy and had to do many years of awakening self love. I took it personally, at least initially, when it is really this virus loose on humanity that has so many if not all of us at one time or another questioning our value and worth. BULLSHIT! How dare we question our own magnificence, our own wonder. I see it in you, time to me it in myself. It is good and very good. So I know to turn over the paradox to the Mystery, aware there is absolutely no way I can try to figure this out, to resolve this dilemma. So I remain clueless to a "solution" I am just clued in to how the answer will unfold. A lovely Christ mas present indeed.
Wishing you love, abundance, joy and wonder for this holiday and always. So much love


Saturday, December 21, 2013

the Light has come

Beloved soul Family,
The light is returning. May all of us KNOW this on this sacred solstice. I love You.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

birthing the Christ

I am repeatedly reading that this is the time of the birth of Christ consciousness. Sounds good yet what does it mean? Today during my sacred dance class I felt exactly what it means. Tears poured from my eyes as I felt the warmth of my own embrace, my own love, my own self acceptance. Naturally, my heart reached out to those in my class and I literally kissed one dancer and hugged another in a love clutch. I danced to the mirror to give myself a kiss. I felt so authentic, not the least embarrassed to be kissing myself in the mirror! I thought about the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of a loving consciousness, of a unity and compassion. I felt it so strongly and it carried me through my day gracefully after a night with just a few hours sleep. Yes, the word that resonated so strongly for me, I'm Home, I'm Home! I groked what they are talking about and I swear to you, I felt for those blissful moments that I truly was the arisen Christ. The glow continues to hold me. I feel so powerfully that this is the gift of these times, the opportunity to move beyond our shadows to a heart opened remembrance of our true Divine nature, Love. My greatest wish for each of us is to taste this exhalation, truly the nectar of the gods.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

trying, making, creating


jumping timelines

I just read the article below and feel it is important to pass on. I personally am certain I jumped one health related time line and believe (time will validate this) I have jumped a financial timeline. As they mention, the hardest step is to persevere when all evidence points to the contrary. I have an outcome that I KNOW, even though I have no evidence and have held the knowing for a very long time, probably for lifetimes. I do not allow doubt to shake me. I also had to hold my knowing about being blessed with a child for a very long time, despite many obstacles and indicators my vision would never be fulfilled. Point being, if your yearning is strong, it will carry you to you vision. Be tenacious, like a bulldog on a pork-chop! Happy creating.


and a sound meditation that feels important to heal the damage from Fukushima and jump timelines


Tuesday, December 17, 2013

divine masculine and taming the nervous system

I dislike the color orange for some reason yet felt drawn to use it now. Perhaps because what I have been up to for the last days has felt edgy. Like so much of my life, I haven't seen the shores of my comfort zone in quite some time. I am pushing the edges of my own envelope, expanding myself into some very necessary yet uncomfortable places. They all seem to reside in the area of the divine masculine. 
Several weeks ago I had a session with an energetic healer who reconnected some links between my right and left brain hemispheres and relieved the tremendous pressure I was feeling in my frontal lobes. That definitely freed something in me. In addition, my understanding is this is the time for the reconnection of the divine masculine and feminine. Like usual, I am right there with the shifting times. 
I have spent much of the last two days doing tasks that scare me. They tend to activate my nervous system into a state of agitation which is why I have spent so much of my life avoiding these type of tasks. I have ordered my taxes, created two domain names, started developing a web site, cleared up paperwork, paid bills where the money felt less than available to pay, did technical things on my computer and read a technical article, tried to figure out why my new phone and headset were inoperative, actually looked at the owners manual of same. SHEW! In the past any one of these activities would have sent my nervous system into an uproar. My strategy was to do such activities one by one and stop when I started to get too freaked or grouchy. Somehow for these two days I have managed many hours of such activities with minimal reaction from my nervous system. HURRAY. Several awarenesses are arising now. The first is how often I have tried to push myself into activities before the seed was ready to germinate. I spent years feeling ashamed and guilty that all I could manage was day to day activities such as getting dressed and driving my daughter hither and yon. Often even that was a huge stretch with hours of hammock time sandwiched between any excursions into the world. Just a year or two ago, to venture to the city was an event requiring herculean courage. My point being I tried to force myself against my own timing, never trusting Myself or my process. That is dramatically changing. If I am tired, I don't kick myself around the block, I rest. If I really can't do it, same, I trust myself and don't do it. I find when my energy is fresh I can go gangbusters, if not I just piddle around anyway. Yet I was always afraid if I didn't get with it, all hell would break loose and I'd end up on the streets or something equally dire. Maybe not so severe yet there was a constant feeling of threat.
Here's what is changing. I really get I am not and never could have been, should have been in charge of this process of waking up to my true nature as Love. I have taken my hands off the steering wheel and am now enjoying a much smoother ride. I am trusting my own timing. I am so appreciative of what I have been through and how much courage it has taken to go on. I am very appreciative of myself  instead of berating myself for my perceived inadequacies. I am letting all the seeds I have planted sprout in their timing, not mine. I have gotten out of the habit of looking how to blame myself when things don't unfold as I think they should.
Matt Kahn said we need to slow down enough that we can begin to heal our nervous systems so we feel safe in the world. I realize this is what I have been attempting to do all my life and I am seeing the fruits of my labors. I feel safe and calm more frequently than not. I usually am at peace. I still am not feeling the bells and whistle some are, I am not in bliss or even joy. Yet I am so grateful for all the gifts my attention to wholing myself are bringing. I am learning to stay the course without back seating driving, just taking it moment to moment. I am having a bit of hope and deeper trust arise that I will survive and even thrive. I am pulling in support and encouragement. I am taking risk, trying new things, going new places, meeting new people,. I often feel scared as I do it yet I congratulate myself on doing it anyway. I went to a party Saturday where I only knew one person. They were doing improvisation (scary) yet I felt drawn to it and got my darling little butt in the car and just did it. Oh yea, I loved it and had a blast!
Beloveds, we live in such amazing times. Can you catch any of the wonder and mystery? I wonder who I will be and what my life will look like next year or even next week. Stay tuned, my sense is we are just about to leave the launch pad. 

Monday, December 16, 2013

Bifurcation of Time

I scanned this one some days ago and found myself going back; super scientific and my head swims a lot with a HUH? energy, I am listening to it and catching maybe 20% yet some of the information seems quite significant:


Praise this day

I could not find the whole poem on line yet here is most of  "Praise this Day" by Adyashanti:

Adyashanti in “My Secret is Silence,” puts it this way:

"Save your mentally manufactured tales of
enlightenment-to-come for someone else's ears.
The price to enter this love
is your hope for a better future.

We are not a crowd of beggars here.
You and I have been down that long, twisted road
all the way to the end.
Here we do not ask God for favors
but instead celebrate the light in each other's eyes...

...Praise this day–
and with each breath you take
be filled with the golden arc of love
which announces the ending of
your argument with God.
Praise this day
simply because it exists
and sit down in the warm skin
of your own lap;
for you are home
and it is time to rest
in the merciful light
of your own eyes.

Everlasting Inheritance

While looking for something else, I came across this and enjoyed it:

Everlasting Inheritance

An Unfinished Poem by Adyashanti

Listen now, or lose your life, for what I have to say is what you have imagined in quiet moments but have failed to realize in full. Perhaps you were too timid or astonished at the critical moments, or couldn’t find the courage to step through the veil of your frail life when the door was opened for you.

Or perhaps you wanted to keep your life as your own, and chose to hold onto a few pennies when you could have had gold. No matter, for yesterday has passed into the dust of remembered dreams, and tomorrow’s story is yet to be written.

Which is precisely why you and I are now here together. You and I. You and I. Oh, the sheer mystery of it—how could anything be more grand? Stand with me here at the precipice and take my hand in yours, for I am good company to those ready to depart familiar ground. If not, then let loose of my hand now and take that of a more familiar companion. For where we stand is known, but our next step will not be—nor the one after or the one after that.

So shoulder all of your longing and intent and leave all else behind. I give you fair warning: The world you are about to leave will not be there when you return. For nothing truly left behind is ever the same upon our return. Let us not waste any more time on discussions or debates; you have surely been caught in those tide pools too long already. Too much talk is wearying to the soul and evades the spirit of things. Longing is the true measure of a man or woman and alone has the power to draw us out of ourselves and into the vast air of eternity. But we shall not rely only on the winds of longing, for they can be fickle and unpredictable. We shall also need the fire of intent—that fine-tipped arrow of courage flying true and straight to its goal, piercing through the fabric of our dreams as it goes.

This is as fair a day as any to begin the journey back to your origin. So lift your foot together with mine and we will step off the well-trodden paths and into the uncharted woods where the essence of things lies waiting for you to open your eyes.

It is time to begin watching your steps, dear companion. For you have already wasted the goodness of too many days stumbling along with the unconscious drove. Today I bid you to place no foot upon the earth without feeling the sinews, skin, and bone of your feet with each step. How awake you are to the least of things will determine how awake you become to the greatest in due time. For in the play of time, the great and manifold diversity of things in the end proves their unity. And it is toward the end that we are headed, for it is only by means of the end that we arrive here, on this spot, free and immortal.

I can see in your eyes a fear and confusion. All this talk of endings brings a tremble to your bones. But fear not, for I do not speak of death or chaos except to point out that you have already fallen prey to both. No, I talk of awakening from the death of sleepwalking in dreams and veiled imagination. Beyond the veil all is well, and more well than I can attest. Within the immortality of what you are, there is a contentment and peace born only of your true identity.

Have you not been told how grand you are, how uncontained, how limitless? I for one maintain that you are as unseen and eternal as the space that spans beyond the myriad universes. I praise the immortal self—not one self among many, but the self within all selves. For everywhere I go, and in each and everyone I meet, I greet my secret and unseen self. For I know each man and each woman as I know myself, none greater or lesser in essence or worth.

I have no desire or pull toward the gods, nor sacred relics, nor holy books. For I have waded through the various dogmas and found them lacking the essential vision, the unitary glance that reveals God’s hand within every gesture. Why should we go looking for more than we are, when we are what we are looking for? Beware of a misguided longing, for it leads in the end to brutality. How much blood has already been spilled in God’s name and how much more to come?

I bid you, dear companion: Throw off the yoke of belief, for to arrive at the nobility of truth you must be cleansed of all borrowed knowledge till you are as innocent as the day before you were born. You must forge from within your longing a fiery sword of discrimination, unsheathed from the past—starting now on this hill we stand upon, determined to never again take anything secondhand, but instead prove true or false each statement yourself.

For truth belongs to neither man or woman, nor holy book, nor well-reasoned philosophy or belief, but only to itself—immortal and pure. I seek only to remove untruth from your mind so that you may be restored to the unitary vision which is your everlasting inheritance.

© 2006 by Adyashanti.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

solstice ritual

I am having a solstice ritual on December 21 around 5:15 p.m. California or Pacific time. Please join in spirit if you would like. We will burn what no longer serves us, affirming our wholeness and write down and command our deepest desires and yearnings. If you would like to add either what you intend to release or what you will command in the new times, feel free to add it to the comments and I will include it in the ritual.
the light has come,You are the Light

Saturday, December 14, 2013

summary of awakening energies

This replay is a summary of much of the history of awakening energies and an explanation of what is up now and how we can support ourselves in sailing through:


I say YES

I wrote this in response to many I hear questioning if anything is really happening and if it is worth it, this journey back to Love. For me it is a resounding YES as I contrast my life now, despite the numerous existing challenges, to my life say a decade ago. This is relative to the phase I am in, I know. Yet even in my worst times I maintained a flicker of hope and knowing the prize was worth the journey. If you are in the second wave of ascension, I hope this lends you a little courage to go on:

I really thought about the question of how this has or has not been worth it. Now I must give a little background and say I slept about 12 hours last night (miracle) yet I have KNOWN this for awhile. Just my two cents yet what I have gained through all this anguish is so precious I literally cringe at the thought of going back to the old ego dominated me. She could often be cold, sharp, controlling, pushy, thoughtless, unconscious. This after devoting my life to consciousness. I am a licensed therapist and have a gazillion workshops under my belt. Yet despite my best efforts- and man oh man was it effort, i was still spewing projections all over the place. The area that was the most painful was how I could project on my daughter. I was conscious enough sometimes to know I was doing it. EXTREME PAIN. So here is what I have gained to date: about 90% anxiety free, very little conflict in my life, harmony at home and with others, frequently open with “strangers” and friends, sometimes experiencing joy, a sense of Home, inner freedom, expansive feelings of Love sometimes. I read some autobiographical books by May Sarton and I thought OMG, this woman worked her ass off to get free and the times were just too dense for her to get there. I didn’t read her last books, maybe she did. I felt such a wave of gratitude to live in these times, where freedom, peace, LOve are increasingly available and possible. So when my overwhelm wants to sweep me away, I can consciously chose, again and again, to dive back into acceptance. Yea it has been a bitch, yea I have thought i couldn’t take one more second numerous times, yea there has been so much loss. Yet for me I have such waves of gratitude to be alive NOW and to have the taste of freedom in my mouth. I sure hope I am not in duality here, this is not to negate in any way anyone else’s experience because they aren’t kidding when they call us heroes. Mama mia, we all deserve planetary celebrations and parades for our incredibly hard work. I see us all being properly rewarded all in good time. So I am going to stick with my YES and pray these words might lift even one person. I send you such love from this almost hot day on my deck in northern California. May we all find the courage to keep going.

Friday, December 13, 2013

time for more pleasure?

From various readings primarily TWYH, I understand this is a major portal from 12/12-12/21/13 opening us to great consciousness, light, love and, gasp, pleasure. Supposedly things are slowly getting yummy. Now we've all heard this before so I was a bit skeptical. Of course, it also depends on what timeline you are on, where in this process. So I can only speak, ever, for myself. Here's what I am noticing. I was afraid to even consider getting my hopes up, especially after sucking myself into expectations on 12/21/12. So I was definitely in a yea right, sounds good/ might happen, might not. Then I went to my daughter's school performance last night. It was only an hour yet usually before the end I am ready to go. I was in the front row and this time I looked at all those shiny faces and felt a calm appreciation, not joy, not bliss, not nirvana, calm pleasure. I probably wouldn’t even have noticed except after reading Lauren's ThinkwithYourHeart.com  post I was on alert. Then today two women in front of a launder-mat told me to be careful as I slid on some ice. I thanked them and then they wished me happy holidays with an exquisite sweetness. I wished them the same and the love was palpable. I burst into tears in my car as I felt like OMG it might be true, we might be really almost "there." The harmony I experience with my daughter is my best sign the times they are a changing. For me it is subtle, not fireworks. Even embracing the sense that the love is returning had me swooning with hope. So I will keep a quiet possibility that the pleasure may be sailing in.

and an interesting, more technical, article on these times:


Thursday, December 12, 2013

12-12 activation

We are bringing in increasingly refine love light. A portal opens today through the solstice. To receive maximum benefit from this portal, here is a valuable post.

12:12 Portal – Activating your MerKaBa  

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Enlightenment is a Gamble

love this one; i gasped when i read the last line. xoxox

Enlightenment is a Gamble

by Adyashanti

Original Language English

Time to cash in your chips
put your ideas and beliefs on the table.
See who has the bigger hand
you or the Mystery that pervades you.

Time to scrape the mind's shit
off your shoes
undo the laces
that hold your prison together
and dangle your toes into emptiness.

Once you've put everything
on the table
once all of your currency is gone
and your pockets are full of air
all you've got left to gamble with
is yourself.

Go ahead, climb up onto the velvet top
of the highest stakes table.
Place yourself as the bet.
Look God in the eyes
and finally
for once in your life

living in Christ consciousness, releasing deficiency

Another awareness popped in overnight. Debbie talked about not taking herself too seriously. Combined with something I wrote causally yesterday about spiritual "rules" being similar to Catholic sins triggered the ah ha. It is increasingly clear that I am still in fix it mode, trying to correct my deficient self to be worth of Christ consciousness. Bah humbug.  No way Jose. Still caught in that web. I intellectually KNOW that this is bogus yet my behavior tells me otherwise. I am still focused on healing my errors and restoring myself to wholeness. Wrong on two counts. :P First, given the work I have done on the inner planes, I am past the need to heal myself and that will not restore myself to wholeness. I am like a soldier that never heard the war is over, still slogging through the trenches. Yes, the healing was essential for decades, really. But I've been there and done that. Second it places my attention on deficiency, on error, on always scanning for ways to improve myself. That focus slams the door of the kingdom on my face and then tries to have my ego find the key. HUH?  If I knew how to be it, I'd have already moved into that state of being. It is never going to work. My ego can not drive me home to Myself. Can't be done. I am past the point where my efforts, my attempts at control, my taking this seriously works, this ironically keeps me locked away from my own Essence. Crazy, huh? I get it, trying doesn't work now. I am not the one that can take the final step Home. I must surrender to a mystery and power so far beyond myself. That Force knows what to do. I can fall back into it's arms. Enough with the constant self scrutiny, enough with the serious heaviness of constant improvement. Time to sing, dance, play and laugh. Ready to join me?

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

getting off the comparison train

Who wants to play the comparison game? Feels like a lot of us are right now. I feel it in the air, especially as some people are experiencing extended periods of bliss, joy , clarity, alignment while others feel totally stuck in the mud. I read it in peoples’ comments and I feel in my body how many others are falling into this bog. For the most part my compulsion to compare myself to others is beginning to fade. Yet when it comes to joy and belonging, I still get caught in the tar baby. When I see others celebrating in community I feel somehow excluded and alone. Now mind you I am a part of several glorious communities yet I feel like the outsider. I can feel  how I create a ring of separation around me when I feel uncomfortable. I am the one that is  blocking others from me yet I feel left out. Crazy I know. Then I read about others having “arrive” and feeling prolonged joy. First of all, I have no clue what that means. Others may read my words when I am a place of such clarity and peace and assume I have it made in the shade. My friend Uschi just told me she thought I was doing great from reading one of my blogs. I was for a few days. Now I am back in ughsville. I am very clear what I am processing is a sense of aloneness. It feels heavy and impenetrable in this moment. Yet just a few days ago I felt powerfully connected to family, to acquaintances, to strangers. I am all over the map. I feel in my body how many others are flipping around or maybe feeling constantly stuck in the goo. I have felt the burden of shame and self blame. I am still feeling subtle judgments for not being productive, for not contributing, for not “working” even though in my experience these shifts in consciousness are the hardest work I have ever done. I get it intellectually yet there is a part of me that still wants to sling mud on myself. 

When this mentor pointed out how stuck I was in spiritual ego I went into major fix it mode. In hindsight I see how I immediately went into my old belief in a punishing God. Based on something he said might happen if I did not clear this, something that would definitely not be my idea of fun, I went into oh shit, I’m doing it wrong and I will be punished. All these spiritual rules and regulations can begin to feel like Catholic sins with a vengeful God ready to throw a thunderbolt at me if I don’t get it right.  Here are some of the “rules”: allow everything, don’t judge, stay out of story, forgive, focus on the positive, focus on Love, Be Love, dive into your difficult emotions, stay out of your head, etc. Exhausting, right?   And the cost of getting it wrong? Suffering. No wonder we blame ourselves. It gives us a feeling of control. If the reason I am suffering so much is I screwed up, then if I unscrew up, my suffering will cease. I sense that isn’t so. We were born human, we are transforming into crystalline based and everything unlike that purer energy must rise to the surface to be detoxed. Nobodies fault, no sin, no blame, no shame.

I want to wave a magic wand and stop all of us from judging, comparing, blaming. What a waste of energy. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes not. I love what MattKahn says now, that in order to complete this transformation, all we have to do is survive it. We don’t have to like it, accept it, allow it, just survive, what a relief! Anybody else tired of all the spiritual hoops we have had to jump through? Really, reminds me of my catechism lessons. So I am taking the pressure off and enjoying that at best, with a few stellar exceptions, the most I experience is a quiet joy. Often I have a strong sense of peace and this is an invaluable gift. If you are reading this, and do not feel peace, I beg you not to compare yourself to me or I’ll kick you ass. 

 I am currently transforming aloneness and the process is definetely not my idea of a good time. Matt Kahn calls it ultimate surrender where one surenders even their preferences. When I first read that I was like, no way, forget it, never. Yet I now see that is the only way out of the prison. My bigest charge and yet greatest offering has always been about Love. I see how I got over having my child, husband, future soul mate be my reason for feeling loved. Yet I transferred some of that energy to friends and a yearning for community. Of course, I desire these things yet they will never transform the emptiness I feel. I get it. I am in the no exit place. I get all the poems, books, teaching that say that ultimately, if we look to anything outside ourselves, we are trapped. I get how formless emptiness is the answer. I get why this saying is so accurate: “why are you so unhappy, why are you so unhappy? Because 99% of everything you do and everything you say is about yourself, and there isn’t one...” That was esoteric bullshit until recently. A friend that I depended on (co-depended on?) was not sure she wanted to come to my ritual but rather preferred to attend another. When I felt how much that shook me up, it was back to the drawing board. My little mind wheels are spinning wildly, trying to figure it out. How does one transform unpleasant emptiness and aloneness to ecstatic formless Presence? That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? I know a million ways it doesn’t work. I know that I don’t know the answer and never will. I either trust the Universe to get it handled or I’m screwed. So I am going to go with door number #1 and do my best to trust the Universe. Yes, it still feels like trying but hey, that’s the best I can do today and that is plenty good enough. Why, cause I love myself. 

So I hope you can save yourself some anguish and join me on the the no blame, no shame train and ride off into the sunset happily just surviving whatever arises. Hey if you can do so with joy, more power to you. If not, all is well, all is well, all is very very well. I love you.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Lost children of Christ

I found this long article very helpful (thank you Debbie). It was written in 2000. I have highlighted for you and myself the parts that were most relevant to me. May they guide you to a knowingness of your own vast magnifcence. May you begin to taste your own true power. I love you, always.
p.s. I went back and tried to find the dates for those he calls the lost children and I could not find it but  it is those born after the world wars until, I believe, the 70's.

"The Lost Children of Christ"
Presented at the Crimson Circle
January 15, 2000

For others, at night it was like the greatest love you had ever felt slipped out and walked away from you. That is why we call you the Lost Children of Christ, for as children, each of you became lost. You closed the door and nailed it shut.

You felt within your being, ever since that day, the greatest of despair, the greatest of loss. The attempt to come back, to bring that back - oh, there is still remembrance within you of what that was like, an energy remembrance, perhaps not of the specific event but the feeling of the connectedness, the crystalline Christ structure within you, the shame that you felt, the need to put this away until the appropriate time. All of this, my dear friends, was by design. There was no mistake. There was no accident. For indeed it was necessary for you to hold this energy in a safe, hidden place within your being until the appropriate time. Oh, if you had allowed this Christ energy to come out in full in your teen years, in your early adult years, you would have been committed or killed or ridiculed. It was important for you to put this away. You, the Lost Children of Christ. You, the seed bearers.

We would like to apologize to you, if that is even possible, for what you have carried, and for the burdens you have taken on, for all the healings and the counseling and facilitation that you have had to go through to try to find what happened. But, my friends, you have chosen the path, and we have honored it. The feeling of loss, the feeling of abandonment, thatÕs where it comes from.

And now for the good news. Now for the good news, my friends. The seeds are beginning to germinate. They are beginning to shed their blankets, the ones that have made it, and not all have, but the ones that sit here, the ones you call family and lightworkers all over the world. You are the seeds that begin to germinate. This is the time for the seed that is awakening and feeling the discomfort but yet the joy of bursting forth, that is confused but yet filled with ambition. This is the time for the divine connection to take place, for the analogy that we used of the seed, for the lightning bolt to strike. We assure you, my friends, it will not be like a painful lightning bolt. It will be a stream of love that begins to come in, that connects with the seed that was within you, the Lost Children of Christ. It begins to help you sprout and to break through and to become the tree, the fruit, and the way...

That is what has been happening with you in these months that have passed - the preparation of the space and the beginning of the divine self integrating with the human self. We told you there was a chasm to cross, that it would be difficult for you would not know how far the chasm was or how you would get to other side but that by trusting in yourself and trusting in Spirit, you would suddenly emerge on the other side of the chasm. And that is what we are seeing with this group and spiritual ones all over the world.

Now as you begin to truly emerge and awaken, and there is the divine integration and the uniting power of the seed of the Christ consciousness that you carry, there will come to you a new type of entity, entities that will come to serve you. These will be different than what you have felt or known from what you have called your guides. Your guides were there to hold the balance of energy safely, the spiritual quotient around you. You are now beginning to accept all of your spiritual quotient for yourself. There is a new group that comes in. They are here tonight - the ones we mentioned earlier that are standing in the second circle. They come in here a service to each of you.

You are now taking responsibility. You are the leader of your own team. You do not need other entities coming in here directing you or keeping you in balance. You are beginning to do that for yourself. But yet while still being a human, there needs to be those who pull strings on the other side of the veil on your behalf. But, friends, you are the commanders. You are the creators. Do not give your power to another – only to yourself and the God-Self and the Christ-Self that you are...

But they will let you know in their way that they are there, and you will feel them. They are not there to answer your questions, for you must ask within yourself. You must go back to the Christ consciousness, to the crystalline structure within you and begin to pull that from yourself.

It is not the commander of the ship that asks the entities, the sailors, how to guide the ship. It is the commander who gives intent for direction, that has the sailors then do the running, the work. And that is the relationship that is being built here.

There were many times when you would ask your guides for advice or counsel. There were many times you went into neutral, waiting for an answer that you did not receive. Do not ask your runners which way you should turn. They simply respond to your committed intent. Ask within, my dear friends, for you are the one that is responsible. You are the ones who have carried the seed within you. You are the ones who are planting the Christ consciousness in the new Earth energy.

We are asking you to learn to work with this powerful energy that you are bringing in. The more you work with your own Christ energy, the more you learn the power that lies within it, the more adept you will become. The runners are there in service to you, to help you carry out committed intent. You will begin to see your creation happen quicker as you begin to voice committed intent and the runners begin to serve you...

We will tell you now that there are certain parameters with this that you have set up for yourself but we will repeat to you. If you choose to use energy of the white light, the Christ consciousness, for totally self-serving purposes, it will not work. It will be blocked. You have set up this energy pattern for yourself in love and honor. Oh, it will not backfire on you, my friends, but if you choose to use this for selfish or self-serving purposes, it will be dormant for that intent. If you choose to use it for manipulation, it will be dormant. Again, you have set up these energy parameters long before you came here. If you choose to use it for the good of all, for the good of the ones that you work with, for the good of the situation or the environment, you will see it respond very quickly.

My friends,the reason we mention this is also to help you understand that all things that you need as humans, all things that you need in terms of your health, in terms of your abundance, in terms of your energy levels - assume that they are there. Do not work from a position of lack, but assume that they are there. You will find that your own Christ-self responds to that when you assume that all things that you need are there, when you have trust in yourself. That is why you set up the energy parameter of not using this new empowerment for things that you need for yourself. It was assumed that you have all things...

Begin walking in that space of trust and knowingness, that everything that you are is in perfection. Begin using the energy of the Christ consciousness with your committed intent and with the help of the runners who come in to work with you.

It is time for each of you to begin creating. It is not time to sit back in the chair and do nothing. It is a time for each of you to begin the true work that you came in for, and we use the word work, but there will be joy in it. There will be joy as you help others. There will be joy, teachers. And each of you are teachers in guiding others. There will be competence as you begin to guide them. There will be a knowingness within you. You will see fast results, for you are now beginning to bring in the new power to help you work both sides of the veil...

the energy of the new Earth is different in that you can sit upon your bike each morning and the environment will change around you. That is meant to say that everything appropriate will be brought to you. You do not need to go out in search for it. All things appropriate from this moment forward will be brought to you. Then it is up to you to open up the energy of the Christ consciousness and to begin creating.

What is it that you should create? You will know, my friends, when you ask yourself, when you ask yourself what it is that you should do. Look around you from this moment on, that everything is appropriate. There are no mistakes. There are no coincidences. Look at each situation and ask "what brings it to you?" A person comes into your life, ask their Higher Self, ask within your being "why is this person being brought to me?" And you will have an answer. Perhaps not immediately. It may take some time but as you learn to work with your own empowerment, it will happen faster and faster. It will amaze you how fast it will happen.

Each and everything that comes your way has a purpose. You have brought it to you. It has been attracted. Begin to work with it. Begin to be creative, expressive beings. See no boundaries, for there are none in this energy of the new world. Be the healer and the teacher that you truly came to be. Allow the Christ consciousness to explode in joy around you.

My dear friends, the most difficult thing of all were the years you spent as the Lost Child of Christ, of hiding who you were, walking with that deep inner knowingness of what you had brought in. But knowing also that it had been lost and hidden, knowing the traumatic event that you went through to hide it, thinking that you had done something wrong, and that God had abandoned you and Christ abandoned you. You did not do something wrong, my friends. It was all part of the architecture of the energy, to bring it out only at the appropriate time, for the seed to germinate when the rest of the world was ready.

We love you dearly. We honor you deeply. There are tools that are available to each of you at this time. It is not a special gift of Spirit. These are tools youÕve placed in your path for when you are ready to call them forth. There are many tools, all the tools that you need. It is again by committed intent that you bring these forward. For when you need a flashlight to shine in the dark, your committed intent will bring it forth. When you need a magnet, a strong magnet, to attract the appropriate things to you, your committed intent will bring it forth. When you need any tool of any kind, you can create it within yourself immediately. For you now begin to fill your own toolbox.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

House of Belonging

I have had a radical shift and for a a day and a half had felt better physically then I had in probably over a decade, maybe ever. It is fading a bit now yet the remebrance of how it feels to be energized and clear in the body, how incredibly scrumptious. I felt clear, strong, rested, aware. I had a session Friday with a very gifted local energy worker who helped me clear the fog and exhaustion that had shadowed me almost the entire month of Novemember and in to December. My frontal lobes felt like they were filled with a pushing goo, molasses clouding my ability to function. He said the chanellenge was with genetic material from my father and gradnmother. He also needed to connect the right and left brain hemispheres of my brain in a new link. (don't ask, cluless how it works...:P) I have had so much awareness come up. The next day I listned to Matt Kahn's Angel academy, session #3 and there was a question about aloneness that catalysed even further shifts and awareness. It had me recalling a poem of David Whyte's that speakes to where I am. I have much more I wish to share about these shifts but for now want to leave you with a teaser. I want to share what is helping me sail through these less than easy times.

David Whyte

I awoke
this morning
in the gold light
turning this way
and that

thinking for
a moment
it was one
like any other.

the veil had gone
from my
darkened heart
I thought

it must have been the quiet
that filled my room,

it must have been
the first
easy rhythm
with which I breathed
myself to sleep,

it must have been
the prayer I said
speaking to the otherness
of the night.

I thought
this is the good day
you could
meet your love,

this is the black day
someone close
to you could die.

This is the day
you realize
how easily the thread
is broken
between this world
and the next

and I found myself
sitting up
in the quiet pathway
of light,

the tawny
close grained cedar
burning round
me like fire
and all the angels of this housely
heaven ascending
through the first
roof of light
the sun has made.

This is the bright home
in which I live,
this is where
I ask 
my friends
to come,
this is where I want
to love all the things
it has taken me so long
to learn to love.

This is the temple
of my adult aloneness
and I belong
to that aloneness
as I belong to my life.

There is no house
like the house of belonging.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

pineal gland- fascinating

exercise for alignment- I AM

The best way to start this process is by invoking your I AM Presence and aligning with the I AM Presence of all Humanity every morning. This is easily done by simply stating...
I AM my I AM Presence, and I AM One with the I AM Presence of ALL Humanity.”
Then ask your I AM Presence to help you be consciously aware of what you are empowering with your thoughts, feelings, words, actions, beliefs, and memories as you go about your day.
Throughout your day periodically ask yourself...
“Is what I AM thinking and feeling now what I want to empower and sustain in my life? At this moment, are my thoughts and feelings adding to the Light of the World or the shadows?”  
If your thoughts and feelings are not empowering what you want to create in your life or adding to the Light of the World then blaze the Violet Flame of God’s Infinite Perfection through them and ask yourself...
“What do I want to focus my attention on and create in my life instead of that? I ask my I AM Presence to reveal to me ideas and viable options that will help me empower and sustain what I want to create in my life while I AM adding to the Light of the World. I want to accomplish this with the highest good of all concerned.”  
After you ask your I AM Presence to help you, take a moment and go within the Divinity of your Heart to listen for the answers that your I AM Presence will reveal to you. The answers from your I AM Presence will help you create what you want in your life in the most positive and Loving way. The more you focus your attention on what you want to create in your life, while simultaneously invoking the Violet Flame to transmute everything that conflicts with the vision of what you want, the sooner your life will reflect the changes you desire.
The more vigilant you are in paying attention to your thoughts and feelings, the faster your life will change and the sooner the New Earth will become a tangible reality in your everyday experiences. Day by day, as you become the master of your thoughts and feelings, you will see evidence of the shift into Christ Consciousness that is manifesting not only in your heart and mind, but in the hearts and minds of people everywhere. Know that this is not a shift of consciousness that is destined for some future time. Christ Consciousness is beginning to manifest through the hearts and minds of the masses of Humanity right here and right now. And so it is.
Patricia Cota-Robles
New Age Study of Humanity’s Purpose
a 501 (c) 3 nonprofit educational organization