Monday, June 30, 2014


Things have been generally good with significant distortions and erratic sleep. Saturday I felt like i was in a surreal dream. I was complaining and criticizing and could not pull out. Many circumstances are shifting abruptly and not to my liking. I feel my desire to exert control to make circumstances more to my liking and feeling like i "need" that control in order not to go berserk, a nice recipe for disaster. I am doing my best to make peace with what is, whether it is to my liking or not. Several cherished plans may not go as desired. I see how attached i was to these projected oasises of pleasure. Ah well. I am intending to focus on surrendering to the mystery, releasing my perceived notions of how things ought to unfold.
I could not sleep one night and in the predawn hours pulled out my trusty Way of Mastery. I reread the exercise where one imagines oneself as unlimited for just five minutes, gives up all thoughts of limitation and goes for the biggest dream, gold coins enough to change the world, love enough to blanket the planet and so on. I did the exercise though a fogged brain and bleary eyes before falling into the most profound sleep. Not a coincidence, me thinks. I am now using this exercise whenever i think of it to help me shift out of my limited view of myself and my abilities.
I just realized I had never chosen a symbol for this year and chose the infinity sign. May we all recognize our infinite natures.
I have a visitor for Austria for a few weeks and plan to leave my computer alone for a while. I may or may not check in. Know that i wish you godspeed through these tumultuous, challenging, miraculous times.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

insomnia, attachment, co-creation

I am hearing a lot of people are experiencing intense insomnia, something i have struggled with a lot. It taught me to take dominion of my thoughts and stories to reduce anxiety so as to be able to sleep. Big motivation as I love sleep! Over the years I have done my best to accept the insomnia without freaking out. I did freak on the night of the solstice and that panic attack, while short lived, was enough to motivate me to change my tune. So last night when 2:30am ish rolled around, I decided I had to actually EMBRACE the lack of sleep, just like I have had to do with everything that was disturbing. Now this initially sounded so crazy to me when I first read it in Way of Mastery. I was like, no freakin' way! I was facilitating a group based on that book and my co-facilitator said, you have to actually embrace it. Now I know this is not a simple thing yet it really works. So last night I decided to have a late night party and enjoy myself. I had crackers and cheese and read a complex book instead of my usual TRYING AND TRYING to fall asleep. It was rather enjoyable and then I felt a bit tired so thought I would just close my eyes for a while. Of course, once the pressure was off, fell right to sleep.
Now part of the reason the insomnia got me was just as i was going to bed i opened the mail. A few days ago I learned that the ocean front hotel room I have dreamed of staying in for many years and was given a reservation to as a birthday gift, had been canceled when the hotel shut down permanently. I again semi panicked  I had gotten through my birthday with this carrot dangling in my face so any other minor disappointments paled in comparison (see previous post about big birthday charge.) It was clear how attached i was to this gift. Man oh man, how many times do i need to see attachment causes suffering. So in a mild panic i tried to make new plans. I called a place in the same location i'd stayed before. I was freaking and rather abrupt, maybe even sharp with the lady on the phone who basically slammed the door in my face, quoting me an outrageous and clearly not standard rate. So, with time pressure pounding on me i quickly booked something else, delighted i had another choice and eventually making peace with the change. Until last night where I realized I had booked a place that was really not to my taste. Opening the mail and seeing this sent me into a spin. I again got mildly agitated and wondered how I could get what i wanted. I watched my mind grasp and twist. I quickly calmed down, intended a favorable outcome and let it go, sort of. Then i went to get my book, as i always read before sleep. After a day of intense cleaning in the house, the book had disappeared. I was sure i knew its new location and checked there three times. No luck. Again I got agitated, attached to THAT book. Again I witnessed it and did my lest to let it go. And finally i slept.
So today in a calm energy i set about recreating everything. My new plan is set, I was able to create a wonderful new option, everyone i spoke to was friendly, open and kind. I am delighted with the new choice. The final kicker? The book was EXACTLY where i thought it should be. The universe loves to play tricks on me to see where I am. Maybe i didn't get an "A" on the test, but I will give myself B+ for so quickly seeing and releasing my attachments, irritations and harsh behaviors. I literally laughed out loud when I found the book where i thought it should be, after searching everywhere else. Good one, i thought. The little life stackers had a good time helping me break my attachments and the commensurate freedom that flows in is worth playing that game.

 20 minutes later caught in another attachment to a plan, sigh....

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

embracing inadequacy and control

Just reread this post and it was medicine for me as I do my best to embrace my curent feelings of inadequacy and the need for control. Round 88,888,888 with embracing what is. Feel wash of pure energy allowing to clear out years of clutter and dirt in my house and be productive. What a welcome change. Allowing what is WORKS!:

November 2, 2012

Heaviness and darkness

I woke up this morning with an intense feeling of darkness, magnified by the feeling of heaviness that has been plaguing me for so long. I would almost diagnosis myself with Dysthymia, a low grade depression, for much of my life. After obtaining relative freedom from anxiety, the depression surfaced yet was so mild as to be barely noticeable until recently where it seemed to take on a life of its own and gradually become oppressive. Combined with a physical feeling of pressure which is my current reaction to these planetary changes and you have an unpleasant situation. So this morning it really got my attention. I called my beloved friend and one of my spiritual partners Karin and eventually found myself sobbing. Now I was really paying attention. I felt paralyzed and found exercise very difficult and was reeling from my coach's suggestion to exercise MORE than the four hours per week I am currently doing and to do so with a positive attitude. That felt like mission impossible and added to my self rejection. On top of that, I am still stewing over this unclarity balancing my feelings and needs, my protection of my own energy field with the knowledge that others find my behavior hurtful. Ouch, more self rejection and unclarity. Talking to Karin gave me a little ray of spaciousness and I decided to antidote my lethargy and certainty I absolutely could not exercise by going for a walk. Don’t ask me exactly how I was able to achieve that miracle early in the morning yet off I went. I did feel o.k. walking and ended resting on the vortex on this land I occupy. Suddenly clarity washed over me and I saw the trap. I had been rejecting my own experience of heaviness, of darkness! I said to myself over and over, heaviness I welcome you, darkness I welcome you and an immediate sense of spacious peace engulfed me. Since it is my business, literally, to support others in allowing their feelings you’d think I’d have caught on sooner but no. Not even after my recent huge ahha moment about rejecting anxiety and the liberation I reached after truly learning to genuinely embrace anxiety. Tears leaked from my eyes as I saw the cost of that self rejection. It was so clear that denying and repudiating my own experience was causing me great pain. I had forsaken myself. I just looked that word up as it resonated so strongly with my experience. My tears cleared my energy and I suddenly was more present, feeling the sunshine, again enjoying the birds’ songs. The heaviness was greatly reduced.
I understand how counter intuitive this is, how we have been conditioned to repeatedly run from discomfort, to bury it in a drink, a sweet, a distraction, TV, shopping, sex, anything but feeling it. This has been perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of my healing journey to fully integrate yet it is ESSENTIAL. My loves, it ain’t easy, no no no it ain’t easy yet we gotta do it if we desire liberation. I hope next time I remember sooner causes those baseball bats to the noggin are getting really old.

Monday, June 23, 2014


Below is another critical awareness. I have learned to allow my feelings to be what they are. I do questions my stories and beliefs as they arise yet know I cannot change my thought arising, only bring awareness to them after they arise, question them with inquiry, is that true? I notice how sometimes my fears can be run away trains and I do my best to stop them from gaining momentum. Still, for me the below is an interesting distinction of 5D versus 3/4D.

In the 3rd dimension, the universe responds to what you think. In the 4th dimension, the universe responds to how you feel. In the 5th dimension, the universe responds to what you say and act out. To work on trying to change your thoughts and feelings keeps you spiraling in the 3rd and 4th dimension. Yet, when you bring greater consciousness to your words and actions, no matter how you think or feel -- your thoughts and feelings spontaneously change on their own. This is the heart of conscious

Sunday, June 22, 2014


My intention is to recognize myself as limitless and after 10 hours sleep last night, I feel human again and can see how the latest wave is forcing me to witness where I limit and restrict myself. Nonono I did not like it yet thank God I can again see how it serves me in waking up. One of the biggest ways I get tripped up now is when I am tired and feel incapable of dealing with whatever is arising. So just like I have been able to deactivate my nervous system in response to others' behavior (YEA! where is my ticker tape parade?) I can see how I must now deactivate my nervous system when I am in physical states that feel uncomfortable or when things arise I feel incapable of handling, meaning I can witness the discomfort without freaking out. I must come into acceptance of this crazy yo-yoing between clarity and creativity followed by major discomfort, dysfunction and upset. Aye vey this looks like a big mountain to climb yet compared to being calm even when others act in rejecting or angry ways, should be a cake walk.

excellent summary of the Cellular memory release process

Matt doesn't call it this, yet this summarized the work I do:

Violence is fear in action. Fear is an avoidance of sadness. Sadness is an aversion to loneliness. Loneliness is a denial of emptiness. Emptiness is the presence of being. The presence of being is awakened consciousness. Through an awareness of fear, violence no longer becomes an option. As fear is faced, sadness is encountered. As sadness is encountered, loneliness is acknowledged. As loneliness is acknowledged, emptiness is recognized. As emptiness is recognized, a presence of being is discovered. As a presence of being is discovered -- consciousness awakens.

In noticing how the deepest pain inevitably leads to your most profound spiritual discovery, I invite you to support the end of violence by acknowledging any discomfort as a catalyst of your highest evolution. As you take the time to face what is unresolved in your heart, waves of high vibrational energy are sent throughout the field of consciousness. With each wave entering each energy field, it inspires those who use violence to avoid their soul’s journey to come out hiding and surrender at last. This is the heart of transformation

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Heaven, hell, depleted, benevolent, water

I had two energized and pleasant days with once extremely enjoyable evening. I have had the chance to swim in clear, crystal mountain waters which I swear is a significant part of what keeps me afloat. Then last night I woke up after less than a few hours sleep. I tired everything to go back to sleep from my chi machine, reading The Course in Miracles and then a hot bath. When I tried to turn off the water of the tub, it would not twist off. I tried in a panic for about 10 minutes then woke my daughter as she is generally very clever with these things. She too failed. Then I called my adorable wasband who was awake and helped us shut down the water to the whole house. The valve had changed when we got a water filter and I could not figure it out on my own. The one miracle was I was able to not react one someone was very grumpy and attacking. Yet again I feel so depleted and discouraged. For those two days all felt so benevolent I wondered I could ever doubt. Now the day looms like an endless tunnel to crawl through. One day my energy is pristine and creative, the next flat lined and dead. Schizophrenia anyone? I share this as it is part of my mission to do my best to normalize this journey and lend encouragement.  Yet sometimes the road seems soooo long and soooo arduous. Will it ever be easy and graceful,
P L E A S E !!!! Today I must do my best to love my own discouragement, depletion, exhaustion and indifference.   All while praying I get a Saturday plumber! This is potent energy, may it carry you gently in its waves.

Friday, June 20, 2014

follow your bliss solstice

Wishing you light and joy for the solstice. For me the energy shifted big time on Wednesday night. I had a gorgeous afternoon today and most enjoyable evening; complete turn around from the previous anxiety/depression. I had a swim in pristine mountain waters, a wonderful dinner outside by a splashing lily pond with soulful guitar music and delightful company. The sense of joy was almost a new experience, perhaps as it is now accompanied by a peaceful nervous system. OMG game changer indeed. 

Thursday, June 19, 2014


I am sitting out on my deck. A moment ago an owl flew just above my head, tried to land on the dragon heart flag/banner i have hanging just above my head, fluttered there briefly before flying away. Holy moley that is some kind of potent sign. For me it confirms the post i completed just minutes ago. Will look up the symbolism and would love anyone's take on it. What is very potent is that this occurred in broad daylight about 10:33 a.m. Bringing darkness into light? Wow, POTENT!
I just read that the owl is often associated with the Illuminati so very meaningful that it flew, in the light, into a heart embraced by two dragon heads. Will try to post photo of this flag so you see what i mean.

Fun fact: I have been more productive in the last hour and a half then in the previous 8 1?2 days where everything felt like pulling teeth!

Yea, finally got photo posted below. My computer TOTALLY has a mind of its own lately.

game changer

Shew baby this little energetic frequency is INTENSE to say the least. And while i did my best to love the part of me feeling depressed and inadequate, felt so finished with the whole process, i must admit loving my exaustion and depression was basically going over like a lead balloon. I actually popped out of the extreme exhaustion and anxious feeling tone ( i choose to no longer label it anxiety) last night during my Thai cooking class. Was it the Thai coffee or the keifer lime leaves? Who cares? The crippling feeling formerly known as anxiety in my spine and lower back is basically gone. Interestingly enough, I semi knowingly ate some food that was a bit off before the class and so last night I was releasing big time, how can i put this delicately? in the nether regions. O.K. kids, something major is afoot. While i knew this intellectually even s it occurred, i must say that finding it benevolent escaped me.
Yet this is the most potent energy i have experienced in a L O N G time. The grand cross was more intense for a short period yet this one was very intense for  much longer period. I am hearing and sensing this is a major opportunity for those ready to grab the reins and ride this bucking bronco into an amazing future. No, it ain't easy and everyone i speak to with  one exception (the local librarian) has been physically wiped out at one or more points. So my darlings I am urging you to keep the faith, trust and hang in there. Hopefully soon we will begin to get the energetic pay off from this pile of sh *i. 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

it's O.K.

The way my body has been feeling for the last week, it would be super easy to go back to my self blame, need to fix this broken me story. Yet  since my rebirth day May 8th I have not relapsed into that old conditioning. Part of me wants to go into victim, the "enough already" saga.
Everyone I ask is needing more sleep, falling asleep suddenly, etc. Something is definitely rock and rolling. Blessings Beloveds on this passage. Doing my best to trust all is well. Finding functioning hard again. sigh... Yet at the same time I have had more social engagements in the last eight days then since college I think and I enjoyed them! So up, down all around. My mind can not grasp what the  *&^%$#$%^ is up so I will use my fall back position, trust, mostly because not trusting is so painful. I don't really have a clue so that will just have to do. hoho

Monday, June 16, 2014

meditation for global prosperity on solstice

Our sister Sanna has brought this to my attention and I encourage each of us to participate in this global effort to bring prosperity and balance to the world economy.

for myself, I have been contemplating lately how scarcity is one of my most constant current teachers. Just as I've learned so much from anxiety, overwhelm, insomnia and co-dependency this is another powerful guide to assist me in letting go of outdated conditioning and beliefs and embrace my own unlimited nature. let's join together and break the shackles that have enslaved us for so long.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Jim Carrey MUM commencement speech 2014

love over fear, free your mind:;_ylt=AriH9J.8svem.Yp.lru39tj59XQA;_ylu=X3oDMTByaTN1NDdhBHNlYwNVSCAzIERlc2t0b3AgU2VhcmNoIDEwMA--;_ylg=X3oDMTByNHU0MmsyBGxhbmcDZW4tVVMEcHQDNAR0ZXN0AzMxMjAyNw--;_ylv=3;_ylc=X1MDMjE0MjQ3ODk0OARfcgMyBGZyA3VoM19uZXdzX3dlYl9ncwRuX2dwcwMwBG9yaWdpbgNuZXdzLnlhaG9vLmNvbQRxdWVyeQNqaW0gY2FycmV5IGNtbWVuY21lbnQgMjAxNCB1dHViZQRzYW8DMg--?p=jim+carrey+cmmencment+2014+utube&type=2button&fr=uh3_news_web_gs

Friday, June 13, 2014

yes love over fear

blog from my new team leader featuring yours truly:

Decided to quote the part where she mentions me as money fears, at least where i live, are very pervasive:

  • Take my client Savannah for example. I got this email in my inbox last night: “fun fact, my money situation was the lowest in MANY years when i made the decision to invest in the web site with you and immediately after i decided, it has turned around a bit.” She so eloquently went on to explain that, “for me it was a universal set up- would i go ahead against all odds? would i choose the courage of my convictions in the face of one of my oldest nemesis, money fears?”
    Well, the rest is history for Savannah. She stood bravely in the discomfort of her “money fears,” with the awareness that it is just that, a fear, and as soon as she put the wheels of her creative desires in motion WA-LA! The money came to support her and we have been happily co-creating ever since :). Thanks for being an inspiration and a leading example of what it means to do the work, Savannah!

solar flares, full moon and best article ever

How are you faring? Super intense yes? Between the solar flares and full moon my butt has been dragging for sure. I have had two, two cappuccino days and looks like today will be another. I have also been blessed with two waterfall days but believe you me, it was hard lugging myself even to the river. Be gentle with yourself my loves. Know there is nothing wrong, you are merely clearing yourself for the remembrance of your true nature. All is well. I have been super exhausted yet I am actually able to say to myself, yup, transforming into a crystalline body ain't easy. I have been able to allow myself to creep along without any subtext of judgment, criticism or concern. Now that is a miracle.

Below is one of the best articles I can ever remember. Give yourself the gift of reading it. Spend time in nature today FOR SURE. S L O W down, these times can be very grueling for the body so do your best to pamper your's with loving attention. I love you. Huge savannah hug.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

my team

I now have a team helping me develop a web site and presence. It is lead by a powerful woman named Kim. She is supported by two lovely ladies, Kate and Jane. Speaking to them the other day ignited a fire of remembrance within me as I discovered more details of my vision and purpose. I was euphoric as tears of joy flooded my with increasingly clarity. I honor and thank them all.

time lock release

One of the bigger challenges of this journey is the isolation I have experienced for much of my life, particularly the last years. I was almost never completely alone, I usually had one or two close friends and/or a partner. Yet especially lately it has been like, what is up with this? I know I am likable, why do I remIN SO ISOLATED? PART OF ME KNEW IT WAS ESSENTIAL FOR MY PARTICULAR PATH AND DESTINY. THE SOLITUDE FORCED ME TO DIVE DEEP WITH IN to discover a wellspring of inner beauty and awesomeness (I am sure that is not even a word and I don't know what is up with the Capitals, they keep turning themselves on.) I heard a concept some time ago of time locks, where one is locked into a certain position until the gates open. I believe this is occurring for me now. Until 2012 I was extremely isolated. I basically had a few friends hundred or thousands of miles away, a child and a dissolving marriage until I gained one friend in 2011 who lived an hour away. In 2012 I slowly began having a few social engagements, 2013 a few more. From the end of 2013 until now, it went to maybe one social engagement a week. This week the door opened further and I have five lovely plans this week. The last time this happened was like, never. I also am recognizing how when i drop inner barriers, my external world shifts accordingly. I went to a gathering of my Temple group for the first time in half a year and it felt like a new group. I had always experienced myself as slightly on the outside. Now I felt welcomed and honored, greeted with such open acceptance. As part of a Temple exercise, several women told me how much softer and more open I actually looked. I was impressed that it was visible in my face. One had tears as I poured love into her eyes.
So back to the theme of seeing this as a punishment when things are not flowing. I now see it as vital and essential for me to become Who I am slowly emerging to be, one who sees Herself, one who remembers her own magnificence, one who remember that each of us is a miracle. One of my favorite quotes that has always guided me is more true now than ever.

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

repeat- this is what the hell i need

Just looked again at this and feels truer now then when i first published it in Jan. 2012. Yup, I really often can see it. I literally had tears of joy in my sacred meditation space, other wise known as my hammock just a while ago. I was thinking how any concept I had of God some years ago might have included (close your eyes if you are inclined to see things as blasphemous) the words masochist, sadist, cruel, merciless, diabolical, barbarous, blood thirsty, vicious, ruthless and brutal. Lately I see how all the puzzle pieces fit together and pushed me through the fire's of transformation on the bullet train. I was feeling such gratitude and now would characterize the Divine as wise, clever, all seeing, all knowing, astute, ingenious, brilliant, perceptive, insightful and knows what is for my highest good. Oh yea baby, it often wasn't pretty. Yes, the cost was rather uncomfortable but what price can you put on true freedom and being in love with oneself and life? I just gotta say YES, I am willing to pay this price for bliss.
If I could return to my younger self, I would whisper assurances to her and ask her to trust more. I would tell her all her challenges were not punishments or the results of her perceived inadequacies, quite the opposite. I would cuddle and cherish her, promising her that the obstacles were in her path to guide her in the exact direction that would best position her with the highest likelihood of fulfilling her dreams and vision.
I certainty have not fulfilled the totality of my vision. Yet I have a taste of certainty, competency and confidence that in time I will. For the first time in my life, existence does not feel like  constant burden. Yes, it is still often challenging. Yet there are moments of absolute clarity and knowing that I will actually get where my vision leads me, despite all my current misgivings and discomfort. A wellspring of trust has arisen and an ability to witness how I am being divinely guided to my destiny.

"Whatever the hell happens, say this is what I need. It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity. If you bring love to that moment, not discouragement, you will find the strength there. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes." 

- Joseph Campbell, the Follow Your Bliss Man 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

seeing Christ and odds and ends

I love this painting made by a 9 year old. She is currently 12 and doing amazing work. I cried as i stared into his eyes.

Shangrala's Akiane Child Prodigy

here is her web site:

a lovely post:
and a lovely quote: 
"I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart,
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom
goes on as fruit." ~ Donna Markova

another great quote:

“Sometimes you have to burn your house down to see the moon.”
Old Zen Saying

Sunday, June 8, 2014

memo to self- jump into the void with trust and faith

I am considering committing to a massive undertaking. I feel inadequate and unprepared, not up to the task. This feeling is quite familiar, one I have faced every time i have committed to a larger project/task  dream. When we adopted out daughter, i felt incapable of really pulling it off both logistically and as a parent. Basically I felt scared shitless and actually had to put it all on pause as i FACED MAJOR FEARS. My computer decided to emphasize that with capitals. So here i am again. Can I do this task? What is at stake? Am i risking too much? When i decided to travel around the world with a man i had know for just a few months, i was terrified and one night broke down in the middle of a quiet suburban street in Santa Monica. I saw a woman get out of her car and close the door. The normalcy of that act pierced my heart and I collapsed sobbing into a heap. My boyfriend lead me to a tree and told me to hang on. I did so, hugging that massive, rooted tree with all my strength. I managed to board the plane fortified with a box of Truesser's chocolates and colorful underwear (hey, it all counts). I did it despite numerous moments of panic and massive fear. i did it. I was absolutely right. I had lived a very "normal" life before that and I have never returned to anything like the status quo. It has been uncertain, insecure, unpredictable and totally worth it.
I sense I am at another turning point. I have devoted a bit over two decades to healing wounds, restoring wholeness, constantly seeking an embodied knowing of love. I sense that the seeking part of my life will soon be behind me. So what next?
Am I adequately prepared to follow my vision? Sure doesn't feel like it. I am desiring to make the commitment tonight. I have asked for signs and received many although none of them were as crystal clear as other signs that have guided crucial choices. So, since I am still quaking in my boots, i pulled three Osho cards for direction. They are ripeness, consciousness and completion. The signs are quite clear and I have not gotten one negative one. Right after I asked for a sign, a former student emailed me to tell me how the class I had offered was continuing to change her life. Given the decision i need to make, i am going to take that as my sign and say 


At least that is what i hope I am going to do. WIsh me luck!

only love

Just like every spectrum of color is necessary for a rainbow to appear, each emotion is included in the totality as expressions of love. While some feel more comfortable than others, each one is essential in helping you blossom into your highest potential. Being mad, sad, hurt, fearful, lonely, or frustrated doesn’t mean you’ve strayed away from love in any way. It is an opportunity to recognize each feeling like a child waiting to be recognized and embraced – no matter what it thinks or however it feels.

With love as your guide, uncomfortable feelings can be welcomed into your heart and adored for their true innocence and beauty. This can occur without projecting blame onto those who invite your next moment of healing to the forefront of your experiences. Even if blame is projected in response to the circumstances you cannot control, it is a chance to stop and recognize the one who blames as the next in line to be loved as they have never been loved before.

One “I love you” at a time, each aspect receives the acceptance and resolve to complete their journey and returns to the source of origin by dissolving out of your field. Equally so, each “I love you” sent to yourself inspires waves of healing energy to fill every heart. This allows all to be transformed at the rate in which you become your own source of fulfillment. Whatever arises, love that. This is the heart of awakening.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Despair to discomfort- CALMING THE NERVOUS SYSTEM/ Amma

I had the amazing fortune to see Amma yesterday. The whole experience was the best ever for me. I generally go once a year for the last five to six years. I have come away enraged, in tears, in joy. This year was very different. I did not have the sense of such a huge differential between her loving Presence and myself. The whole trip was wonderful from beginning to end. We had a blast with my friend and gracious host Miles. We had such interesting conversations which included our waiter and a discussion of his past, present and future. Karin and i had engaging and enlivening conversations frequently. The weather was ideal, the views from Miles's house of the bay and fog delightful. We met such an interesting man at lunch who regaled us with tales of Ram Das, Glastonbury, his neighbor Wayne Dyer and so on. We were late for our darshan time and as we we crept toward the stage for our hug from the hugging saint I was aware of how different this was from previous years. In previous years my nervous system was always over amped by almost everything. I was alway tense and usually very nervous even though I had been releasing anxiety for years. The drive, the restaurant, crowds, waiting in line, even seeing Amma was all overwhelming. This time it was remarkable how calm i was. I really SAW Amma for the first time. I saw a beatific orange robed man standing behind her. My hug was extra long and I was literally having trouble breathing from the intense grip Amma had on me. My friend was watching and said it looked bone crunching. When it was over i looked up at her and stared for a timeless moment into the depths of her eyes, bottomless wells of stillness and Love. She grabbed me again as her hot breath caressed my ears with endearments. Again I looked directly at her falling into those loving eyes. I will not even try to describe my inner experience except with one word, stillness.  I send a huge love wave to Amma for the love she extends to millions and millions.
I slept like a baby last night and never wanted to wake up I felt such peace, a peace that is deepening in my life. Yes, I feel discomfort already creeping back yet I can not remember the last time i felt despair. Now this is huge. Yes, I do not like discomfort and I feel a lot of impatience (finally a non 'd' word.) But clearly the progression is significant. My worst moments now never reach the level of absolute panic and terror they used to reach. I had no idea the journey would be so grueling and long. Yet the sweetness of the peace, the deep love, the tranquility, the intimacy that surpasses anything I have ever been able to t sustain yes, it is worth the price. 
I feel limited when i think what is involved in bring my vision to the world. I feel unprepared and sometimes quite inadequate. I love those scared parts of me as best as I know how. I remember all the other portals I have crossed through while being convinced beforehand that they were impossible. The harmony I feel with my daughter most of the time was in many ways the most challenging and rewarding gateway as i had to tame my ego. I know someone close to me who is so overwhelmed by his nervous system's response to a certain situation. When I try to comfort him, he tells me he can't help it, it is just how his body responds. I know when I realized that to come to total peace, i must retrain my nervous system not to react, I felt it was just not possible. It absolute is possible and I have done it in so many areas. Now it is a game i like (on a good day) to play called tame the reaction. Yesterday I was in line to buy chai at the Amma center. There were two people ahead of me and two cash registers with a person behind both. Nothing was happening so I moved past the people to the further cash register, thinking the first man was helping the other people. I did not ask and the woman I past told me very harshly she was first. I apologized and noticed my body hardly reacted; I thought YEA! score for me but sadly, no. I explained what i thought was happening, that she was already being helped. She said that that was impossible as I could surely see the man was not standing close enough to the register to be helping her. I was stunned. Here we are at Amma and this woman was spewing venom at me after I had so sweetly apologized for my mistake. Now my nervous system was roaring, screaming for justice or, if not, revenge would be equally rewarding. I wanted to justify my position in no uncertain terms. How dare she try to tell me what I had perceived! Outrage. I opened my mouth and said about three words countering her when the Witness stepped in and shut my mouth. Oops, score for the Universe. Nice one. Caught in the act. My soul keeps arranging more intricate lessons yet less harmful, painful and with fewer consequences. I no longer need a baseball bat to the head before I get it. I do see it that way. My oversoul, the Universe, my soul plan whatever you want to call it keeps bring me lessons to learn until i can face things without reacting. Yea, pain in the butt I know yet how else can we be free? Non reaction is non reaction. I loved that I caught it and while internally I was seething, externally I just shut my mouth and observed my own reactivity. Let her live her life. Plus for sure she had to be in a bad place internaLLY TO BE SO REACTIVE. I WAS ACTUALLY ABLE TO MOVE TO A SMIDGEON OF COMPASSION. Ok my computer decided that is worth capitalizing. So I am going to call it two points for me, one for my very creative hologram arranging little opportunities to reset my nervous system. 
So do i like discomfort?


(That was me with the capitals this time) But I'll take it any day of the week over despair.
Interestingly twice today there was a question of who was next in line. Each time it was resolved with such graciousness and kind spirits. Once the other person went ahead, once I did. Maybe some progress has been made.
So the word plaguing me today is adequate. I was feeling extremely inadequate for the task I have given myself. I allowed myself to cry then love the heaven out of my feelings of inadequacy. Let's see what unfolds.

walking the way

My friend Lu from Brazil is walking the El Camino in Spain. Sending a huge love wave of support and encouragement.

Monday, June 2, 2014

still in 3d with doubt replacing disappointment


still experiencing rather heavy weather. i hear mama bird chirping to her babies and hoping i too will be reborn past my current doubt. our shadow sides are being pushed to the forefront. Will you join me in loving the disowned parts of ourselves? I must admit it feels effort-full and useless even though intellectually i know otherwise. I am offering love to the part of me that doubts, that feels this two unfulfilled aspects of my life will never shift, the fears for security. having met so many of my own precious intentions, you'd think i could muster up more faith. not really so much today and that is ok. i am doing my best to love the whole bloody mess. i wish the same for you.
i am blessed to visit a friend in San Francisco area and then see Amma tomorrow. Perhaps things will shift. I saw such a depressing movie yesterday i actually watched another movie to shift the energy and that was rather depressing too. So time to embrace depression, doubt and discouragement. this too shall pass.

a bit later. the good news that i must acknowledge despite my funk is that i am able to resist the urge to blame myself, try to fix myself, judge myself, major progress indeed. and a significant part of me can recognize that this is a major growth spurt and that there will be some goodies on the other side. i must admit i am ready for them to show up in the material world. i must also admit that the inner gifts i have already received truly are the most priceless. gotta be fair here even though i don't feel like it. bah humbug.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

3d follow up

since i personally find it sucky to stay in such a bad mood, i was able to shift out of 3D and here is what helped. I had one more person cancel our plans without telling us. I was able to laugh having witnessed how uncomfortable disappointment is. Since I had 3 social plans, all 3 of which were canceled at the last minute or after midnight when I did not see the cancelation, I got the message the universe was trying to tell me something. i had a lovely time friday night but was still funky saturday until i had the brilliant idea to visit a local lake as someone told me they had swum there. I had never realized that was possible and immersing myself in those chilly waters immediately shifted my blues. Then "by chance  i came across a Matt Kahn video i had heard before and yet missed some things. What he described was exactly what was happening, a staged scene to help me recognize where i was limiting myself, giving my power to others. He specifically spoke of disappointment and mentioned how we can reclaim our power from our expectations of others. now i've been at that one longer than i care to remember but i had to realize i'd been caught in the act of rejecting myself at the perceived thoughtlessness of others. huh?! i saw everything he said was accurate and I felt myself pull back my power. i was also able to stay neutral and uncharged in the face of another's anger and someone else's agitation and freak out, both situations that used to fire my nervous system with reactivity. I love thinking of it as a game, ego scored points with my reactivity to disappointment, i scored with my neutrality to anger and agitation. Especially to be neutral in the face of major anger, yea, double points! in both cases, when i stayed neutral and loving, the persons involved shifted, up leveling rather then me matching their challenged emotions. Matt also mentioned that and I am loving the freedom in being able to meet others with care without concern. I really get how concern drags energy down and I also recognize how often i want the other to shift so it is easier for me to stay balanced. way simpler (but not easier)  to just stay balanced no matter chaos i encounter. so love that my inner power is increasing. trust me when i tell you it comes hand in hand with increases in self love and love reflected from at least one person around me in the most magnificent way. no that doesn't mean that it is all peaches and cream, sometimes i am so done with this whole process that i want to start screaming and never stop. i am still giving my power to lots of things including cappuccinos sometimes, easy to leave alone when it is all stars and joy, not so easy when the shit hits the fan. then i want to Quit with a capital Q (and i am noticeably NOT interested in capital letters right now). Yet the sweetness of the love i experience, yes, primarily still outside myself yet increasingly within is so tender, so aligned with my deepest dream i must go on. And if i am going to play this f@#king game, might as well enjoy it.

babies born

The babies have hatched. We just heard them chirping from their perch above my outdoor chair, just a few feet away. I am honored mama chose to be create her home so close to my primary outdooor resting place. Life in all its wonder and beauty.