Sunday, June 1, 2014

3d follow up

since i personally find it sucky to stay in such a bad mood, i was able to shift out of 3D and here is what helped. I had one more person cancel our plans without telling us. I was able to laugh having witnessed how uncomfortable disappointment is. Since I had 3 social plans, all 3 of which were canceled at the last minute or after midnight when I did not see the cancelation, I got the message the universe was trying to tell me something. i had a lovely time friday night but was still funky saturday until i had the brilliant idea to visit a local lake as someone told me they had swum there. I had never realized that was possible and immersing myself in those chilly waters immediately shifted my blues. Then "by chance  i came across a Matt Kahn video i had heard before and yet missed some things. What he described was exactly what was happening, a staged scene to help me recognize where i was limiting myself, giving my power to others. He specifically spoke of disappointment and mentioned how we can reclaim our power from our expectations of others. now i've been at that one longer than i care to remember but i had to realize i'd been caught in the act of rejecting myself at the perceived thoughtlessness of others. huh?! i saw everything he said was accurate and I felt myself pull back my power. i was also able to stay neutral and uncharged in the face of another's anger and someone else's agitation and freak out, both situations that used to fire my nervous system with reactivity. I love thinking of it as a game, ego scored points with my reactivity to disappointment, i scored with my neutrality to anger and agitation. Especially to be neutral in the face of major anger, yea, double points! in both cases, when i stayed neutral and loving, the persons involved shifted, up leveling rather then me matching their challenged emotions. Matt also mentioned that and I am loving the freedom in being able to meet others with care without concern. I really get how concern drags energy down and I also recognize how often i want the other to shift so it is easier for me to stay balanced. way simpler (but not easier)  to just stay balanced no matter chaos i encounter. so love that my inner power is increasing. trust me when i tell you it comes hand in hand with increases in self love and love reflected from at least one person around me in the most magnificent way. no that doesn't mean that it is all peaches and cream, sometimes i am so done with this whole process that i want to start screaming and never stop. i am still giving my power to lots of things including cappuccinos sometimes, easy to leave alone when it is all stars and joy, not so easy when the shit hits the fan. then i want to Quit with a capital Q (and i am noticeably NOT interested in capital letters right now). Yet the sweetness of the love i experience, yes, primarily still outside myself yet increasingly within is so tender, so aligned with my deepest dream i must go on. And if i am going to play this f@#king game, might as well enjoy it.

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