Just reread this post and it was medicine for me as I do my best to embrace my curent feelings of inadequacy and the need for control. Round 88,888,888 with embracing what is. Feel wash of pure energy allowing to clear out years of clutter and dirt in my house and be productive. What a welcome change. Allowing what is WORKS!:
November 2, 2012
November 2, 2012
Heaviness and darkness
I woke up this morning with an intense feeling of darkness, magnified by the feeling of heaviness that has been plaguing me for so long. I would almost diagnosis myself with Dysthymia, a low grade depression, for much of my life. After obtaining relative freedom from anxiety, the depression surfaced yet was so mild as to be barely noticeable until recently where it seemed to take on a life of its own and gradually become oppressive. Combined with a physical feeling of pressure which is my current reaction to these planetary changes and you have an unpleasant situation. So this morning it really got my attention. I called my beloved friend and one of my spiritual partners Karin and eventually found myself sobbing. Now I was really paying attention. I felt paralyzed and found exercise very difficult and was reeling from my coach's suggestion to exercise MORE than the four hours per week I am currently doing and to do so with a positive attitude. That felt like mission impossible and added to my self rejection. On top of that, I am still stewing over this unclarity balancing my feelings and needs, my protection of my own energy field with the knowledge that others find my behavior hurtful. Ouch, more self rejection and unclarity. Talking to Karin gave me a little ray of spaciousness and I decided to antidote my lethargy and certainty I absolutely could not exercise by going for a walk. Don’t ask me exactly how I was able to achieve that miracle early in the morning yet off I went. I did feel o.k. walking and ended resting on the vortex on this land I occupy. Suddenly clarity washed over me and I saw the trap. I had been rejecting my own experience of heaviness, of darkness! I said to myself over and over, heaviness I welcome you, darkness I welcome you and an immediate sense of spacious peace engulfed me. Since it is my business, literally, to support others in allowing their feelings you’d think I’d have caught on sooner but no. Not even after my recent huge ahha moment about rejecting anxiety and the liberation I reached after truly learning to genuinely embrace anxiety. Tears leaked from my eyes as I saw the cost of that self rejection. It was so clear that denying and repudiating my own experience was causing me great pain. I had forsaken myself. I just looked that word up as it resonated so strongly with my experience. My tears cleared my energy and I suddenly was more present, feeling the sunshine, again enjoying the birds’ songs. The heaviness was greatly reduced.
I understand how counter intuitive this is, how we have been conditioned to repeatedly run from discomfort, to bury it in a drink, a sweet, a distraction, TV, shopping, sex, anything but feeling it. This has been perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of my healing journey to fully integrate yet it is ESSENTIAL. My loves, it ain’t easy, no no no it ain’t easy yet we gotta do it if we desire liberation. I hope next time I remember sooner causes those baseball bats to the noggin are getting really old.