Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New year 2012

                Happy New Year                Beloveds           May 2012 bring you all good things- Love, unity, Joy, health, abundance, connection, creation, unlimitedness. I just watched the movie "Unlimited"; I think it gives a sense of where we are headed- without the drugs. 2012 is finally almost here- ride the wave into new magical territory. big hug and much love savannah

New Zealand- I think you are already in the new year- how does it feel?

Here's a great Utube- hope this link will get you there. kisses

Friday, December 30, 2011

ENERGY beings

We are energy beings- I sense the challenge for 2012 will be to recognize and honor this truth.
I helped my teacher edit his book (Energy in the Cells by Luis Diaz) and he went on and on about how we are energy beings- I tell you the truth, I didn’t get it then. I sure do now. For the past few weeks I have been witnessing and exploring myself as an energy being, seeing where I leak energy, where I gain it, where I am in balance. I re watched the “Celestine Prophecy” movie and have been exploring control dramas in myself and others. I have spent the last weeks deeply immersed in this question of energy , as though I am on a treasure hunt. I want to share what I have discovered. I have been the witness of my own dramas, watching how they play out and I sometimes feel like I am an actor in a film just playing out my lines. When I was in San Francisco, I noticed this phenomena strongly. I would get overwhelmed and go into a control drama either by being angry, by being critical or by withdrawing. I could witness it yet I couldn’t stop it- it felt almost spooky. Sometimes my daughter was strong and didn’t react; other times she did react and the energy cycled down. Same thing the other way around although less often she would be grouchy and then I would either catch it and pass it on or not. It has been a real eduction. O.K., here’s the information about these dramas from the book Celestine Prophecy and some blogs on the subject.
Some info on control dramas: 
“The Four Control Dramas from the Celestine Prophecy
The Celestine Prophecy’s 4 Control Dramas
The sixth insight states that childhood dramas block our ability to fully experience the mystical. All humans, because of their upbringing, tend toward one of the four “control dramas”: intimidators steal energy from others by threat. Interrogators steal it by judging and questioning. Aloof people attract attention (and energy) to themselves by acting reserved or withdrawing. And poor me’s make us feel guilty and responsible for them.
The above description from James Redfield’s book, The Celestine Prophecy, defines four ways that people are in relationship with one another. All are attempts to control another’s behavior. What is this need we have to control? Why do we feel it is necessary?
We attempt to control and manipulate others because we believe that if they would change their behavior we would be happy and so would they. When people do things we don’t like, or when we’re not getting our way, we think they are wrong. Then, believing we are right and they are wrong, we think that we have the right to impose our beliefs on them. What we are attempting to do is protect our beliefs. How does this play out in a relationship?”
So my first control drama was as a victim in reaction to my dad’s intimidator and my mom’s aloof. I cried for years. I finally healed that and moved on to intimidator- controlling and being bossy. I started to recognize that one so tangoed over to being an interrogator, being critical and constantly belittling with questions (my poor wasband caught that phase). Well, my wasband woke me up to how much that didn’t work so I switched to aloof and withdrawal with my daughter. To tell you the truth, it seemed pretty harmless to me compared to all the others. I couldn’t really see any damage even though I know I suffered from my mom’s constant emotional unavailability. I just started looking at this one recently. My daughter told me the other day it is harder for her when I am present for awhile and then withdraw. She said it is easier for her with people who are consistently withdrawn- that got my attention. 
So when I first recognized this one, I feel into the blame game, blaming someone for not giving me the attention I wanted. Well, like all the others, I quickly got called to order on that one and had to eat my humble pie. Last night I re watched the movie “Inception.” It helped me realize when we get caught in these energy wars, it is like we are caught in a dream- we are caught in a misperception about our basic nature. We believe we are not complete by ourselves so we beg, borrow or steal energy from others. So here is where I am today. A friend on the site ( said it best so I’ll quote her, 
Jenn said, “When two people, are standing in their own truth, then magic happens. There is love and support...without conditions put upon them. It's a natural flow. And it isn't draining for either person. Even during hard times, and times of trouble...them being there for each other raises vibrations and energy for BOTH people in their interaction. That is truly being loving, giving, supporting.”
 This to me is where we are headed- where we extend love and receive it back. I sense it will begin between two people and extend out from there. What I am getting is all the control dramas have arisen from energy shortages. When we are whole and complete, it will be our great joy to extend and receive love thus cycling the energy ever higher. With the control dramas, we take, demand or withhold energy and the energy sinks. 
We have all had the experience of being in love and feeling incredibly energized with each person giving and receiving so much love. The challenge starts when the energy falls out of balance and we see the other as our Source of love, of energy. We forget the Source is within, the Love is within just waiting to be shared. Then blame, control, victim, withdrawal occurs. At Christmas I had the good fortune of being in complete energy balance first with my wasband for five hours then with a friend and with my daughter for another 7 hours- 12 hours of social contact which normally would leave me feeling like a wet noodle. Instead I felt incredibly energized and alive. This is what feels good to me. This is where I say a giant 

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Releasing in 2011

Each year I do a ritual releasing any old ways of being, patterns, etc. I want to leave behind in the old year. I write them down then burn them. I do it on the solstice and/or New Year's Eve. I am posting this ahead of time in case anyone wants to join me. Then in the first ten days of the new year, I write down my intent for the year, seal it in an envelope and then reread on the last day of the new year- i.e. in this case Dec. 31, 2012. It feels good. I will erase what i am releasing before midnight on January 31st and i will burn these words!



Saturday, December 24, 2011



I feel such a mixture of energies of late. Some days for me are like "catch the world in a love embrace" (words of a song) and others are "Beam me up Scottie." (Star Trek) Yet my sense of unity is growing stronger day by day. I do feel connected to each of you and send a global hug to my dear Earth family wishing you the joys of the season.
P.S. For all of you able to bi-locate come join us tomorrow afternoon for some good vibes. To help lock down the coordinates, I'll give you a clue- Nevada County, Northern California, United States of America, North America, planet Earth, solar system, Universe.


Friday, December 23, 2011


Each year I pick a symbol and a primary word with one or two secondary words to be the focus of the year. My talisman this year has been dragonflies- wonderful symbolism. My symbol for 2012 is snake or serpent. It came to me and I am discovering more and more why. I thought my primary word for 2012 would be trust but I realized instead I am almost complete with trust. Not surprisingly then I find myself at the 11th gateway or door, being tested to see if I am indeed complete. The universe has kindly supplied me with the prefect test. Sometimes I stand in awe of the perfection of the warp and weft of each of our lives. I was aware of many of the layers that were challenging and healing me. Yet another crucial piece of the puzzle dropped in for me just two days ago. I discover the situation I face now is eerily reminiscent of one that occurred 14 years ago in terms of the feelings it has evoked. At that time I was getting my Master’s in Spiritual and Counseling Psychology. I was doing what was called a trio with a client- me, a counselor- my best friend, and a neutral observer, processing a deep issue. I had reverted to being 5 years old as was not uncommon in these profound sessions. I was speaking in a little girl’s voice. I told my best friend/ counselor that I was certain that if I reveled this deep wound to her, she would leave me. She swore again and again she would never leave me so I told her my secret- one now I honestly don’t even remember yet it terrified me to reveal it as I was so certain if I did, my best friend would leave me. It was so terrifying we decided afterwards to go into the mountains and do an elaborate ceremony to confirm our lasting friendship. We stayed over night and with deep reverence created circles, promised vows, built standing stones and so on to sanctify our undying friendship. We came down from the mountain (anybody see any symbolism here) and from that day forward, she would never again interact with me socially. I panicked. We were in a support group set up by the school as part of the program and thus I was forced to see her twice a month for “support.” I begged the school to release me from that group- they refused. I pleaded with her to explain what happened. She said nothing had happened, she didn’t know what I meant. The year before we had lunch together every single day of graduate school. The next year not once. She never called me and wouldn’t meet me- everything changed overnight. Years later when I was totally neutral, I asked her what happened. She still had no explanation, recollection or memory, and was totally blase about it. I am clear now it was a soul agreement and one that forced me to a very difficult healing, where I learned to stand up for myself instead of look to others for support. It culminated in a dramatic scene the day I got engaged to be married. I was sharing my joy when the group informed me they found me untrustworthy. One member of the group said it was because I had gone to Mexico just when she and I had become friends- I was deliberately being hurtful. One said it was because I had told someone she had gotten divorced- common knowledge I thought yet she considered it breaking confidentiality ( it was about 10 months after the divorce had begun). All pretty bizarre reasons. I felt so crushed and hurt I literally threw myself on the floor in the bathroom for privacy and was hugging the toilet until something inside me said, stand up, know your own Truth, own Yourself. I did and everything changed.
Now something vaguely similar has occurred. My sense is the underlying dynamic is very different yet the outer circumstances feel somehow similar and again activate that old wound. The question I get now is very different from the one I asked then. Then all my attention went to trying to determine why my friend did this and how, if possible I could change the relationship back to the way I preferred. My question to myself now is - where does trust come from? I understand very well where my lack of trust comes from- exploring those dynamics of childhood wounding is a large reason I became a licensed therapist. What I recognize now is how easy it is for me to trust when people behave in ways I find trustworthy. How hard it is when my needs for intimacy, connection, mutuality do not feel met. How easy it is then to project all kinds of meanings that aren't even there. Where is my trust then? I realize that until now my trust has been based on experiencing the people around me as trustworthy, understanding what they mean, feeling the connection is not broken. Again I am a beggar, dependent on how others behave to establish inner trust. I recognize attachment is more or less the opposite of love. This has been so hard for me to understand. Having an adopted daughter, it was all about having her attach. The ideal is to have good attachment in childhood so we can feel safe in our own being. Since almost none of us got that, what then?
If I put my eggs in your basket, I will consciously or unconsciously want to control you, want you to act in ways that meet my needs when perhaps they don’t meet your own. I will never be free. Now of course I want relationships with mutual respect and caring- yet not this unhealthy attachment. This is the wound I intend to heal this year 2011 so that I am open to my new qualities for 2012. I am not sure yet but am playing with power and creativity. Unconditional Love is my life quality so that goes without saying. By freeing myself of attachment, I can trust no matter what the outer circumstances are. I do not need you to act in a way that engenders trust and always tip toes around my particular conditioning. I recognize everyones needs and conditioning are different.  I may need to move away from you if I find you truly untrustworthy but I find I not longer tend to attract people who are genuinely untrustworthy. I am certainly getting to this place of trust yet find the universe kindly supplying me with the last crumbs to heal. In this other situation I get how the wounds come from my own perceptions rather than "reality." Somehow beneath the pain and hurt my one year old feels- her wound is that she can not trust without more external evidence she should, since as a child she really needed her caregivers to be trustworthy and they were not- I find a strange trust as the foundation of this circumstance. I trust both of us to honor our soul agreements, I trust that Love lies at the foundation of our connection, I trust mySelf to be there regardless of outcome, I trust that I will find a way to heal this previously unhealed primal inability to trust life, trust mySelf fully, under all conditions. And so it is.

Monday, December 19, 2011

fire hose

O.K. kids, feel likes there are some wild energies on the loose. I just made this post on another site and decided to transfer it over here since it seems to be the hot topic. A friend said she is trying to keep a hold of the fire hose of energies and not spraying the dark energies all over while holding on to the energies of passion and creation. Just a quick post to hopefully shed some light on how to work with these intense energies that sometimes want to spew out of our mouths.

My comments: "This is what I have learned works- you don’t express it (to the person), you don’t repress it (by not feeling it) you allow it, let the waves of energy wash through your body. Then if you have a trusted companion you can do Gestalt where you go back and forth yourself speaking out both sides of the upsets; speaking to the person who triggered the upset, then speak back as the person.  Or you can just let fly by yourself or better still with a witness. Our fifth charka needs that energy up and out and it can be very healing to say what you need to say- just not to the person. Make sense? Or you can write the upset down and then burn it- great release. So that’s my mini Cellular Memory Release lesson for today. After releasing the charge, you my want to speak directly to the person, setting a boundary, making a request etc. But in my experience, a charged exchange always ends up with attack/ defense and gets us no where."

Then here's a quote my friend has generously allowed me to use from the other site:
Bright Laughter said, "I'm feeling that this is *may be* like the energy I'm experiencing... when the feeling of desire/want merges with the energy of the heart... HOLY SH*T WATCH OUT! Watch where you're pointing that thing!! If you don't understand what your spiritual heart is wanting or needing then you don't know where to point that laser of intense energy...and also it seems to be sensitive to the "touch" meaning it can be triggered...I imagine it like a "That's not what I f*cking want, get away!" if it's pointing or being used for something our spiritual heart doesn't want.
So I'm expecting reactions to be pretty intense right now from many people and it is some intense energy to wield. If scattered, it can fling sh*t from wall to wall like a firehose gone wild...but if properly directed (not controlled...can't control what happens or how it happens) towards our spiritual heart's true desire...then it HAULS ASS and progresses things. But trying to get ahold of a firehose? 

All I know for we are ALL going to be getting some lessons in forgiveness of ourselves and others as we try to gain some direction of our firehoses (hehe...that didn't sound quite right...but I'm leaving it )

and the rest of my comments "for me discernment is noticing if something works for me or not; judgment is saying this or that person or situation is bad or wrong. If I judge, I get the toxicity; if I don't use discernment, I get it too. So what I have found is to use discernment to recognize whether something serves me or not. I don't drink polluted water because it is not good for me- I didn't read harsh, critical comments that use "honesty" as a way of spewing judgment- why would I do that to my precious self? 

In the meantime, I notice if I respond to harshness with a closed heart, I have lost. I am not yet strong enough to respond with love so I must use discernment to move away yet I actually hope one day i will be able to give that harsh person a hug as surely they are suffering or would not be harsh. For now, i must admit I am too vulnerable for that yet one day...

and on another topic I want to fess up to something else cause this is a big one for me to accept. This is where I get caught over and over- my need to be a bloody saint- so here’s what I do- I judge myself and others for being judgmental; I make myself and others wrong for being wrong- such a bloody trap. Then it cycles endlessly. Jenn you are so right on- if I don’t allow the energy of anger, grief, sadness, rage to have it’s way with me; I just store it and it leaks out. Grief and sadness are so EASY for me- 4 on the enneagram- but RAGE- with a father who always raged- no way. So I store it and it leaks out as a sanctimonious, holier than thou projection. And just in case you are wondering, in this moment, I have no judgment of that- just observing and releasing. I also have to say, having worked with projections for about 17 years, man those sneaky little buggers sure can shape shift and hide themselves, trying to look like the truth."

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Pain Body Release

This is the hardest blog I have ever written. It feels and is incredibly self revealing. This normally is not difficult for me yet this cuts to my core, exposes my most primitive wound. Even as this experience was ending, I knew I would disclose it here. I knew it was an extraordinary example of the pain body release process as developed by Luis Diaz. It fearlessly allowed my most intimate inner experience to be brought to the light of day. I knew that it could potentially help liberate my blog family by detailing how what this process looks like. As I realized toward the end of this process that “they” wanted me to expose this, airing out the toxic shame of un love I was feeling in that moment, it actually gave me the courage to go deeper. Knowing it might help even one person release any self hatred and suffering gave me the stamina to stay with the agony until it was complete. I was triggered while on line and thus the whole experience was captured in writing. The process is choppy as at various times I could barely uncurl and type yet I chose not to edit it. What makes it even more extraordinary is that the person supporting me in clearing this anguish and false beliefs is also the person I had the challenge with. He is completely untrained in this process yet was extraordinarily intuitive in helping my dig to the core of this primal wound. The triggering event is very trivial which helps highlight how blind we can be when our false beliefs and pain body are active. This is my deepest wound, the belief that unless someone loves me I am separated from love. I have been actively healing it for a long time. My sense is that this time I went so deep I may have healed it forever.
It begins with me joyously sharing my love for my new friend, even after having just known each other for just a short time. I was shocked by the depth of my feelings for some one with whom I was clear I would never have a romantic interest. I felt compelled to share my true feelings with him to honor my own voice and authenticity. However unique and unusual my feelings were, I felt fabulous speaking my truth and was dancing with joy. (I recognized later that a lot of my exuberance came from my sense of homecoming, of reuniting with my true self. Some of my feelings for him were projections of this awakening self love.) However within a few hours, after he did not say anything specific about how he felt about me, the chasm began to open. I also want to share that it is absolutely clear to me that we had a major soul agreement to help me clear this primal wound. Here it goes...
My part is red
His part is purple
My comments and explanation are very dark green
I am wondering if I made you uncomfortable, telling you that I love you. Reading something about your astrology, if it is true, makes me wonder if it felt good, felt crowding- probably some of everything. I am catching myself feeling a bit attached to your response- noticing this. 
(he asked what I was referring to- someone had written on a site we were both following about his astrology)
this part
Astrology information: Your other drive is to keep a distance from people enough, so that you can explore and find more meanings (ideas) that may not be possible in a deep/ conventionally-based/ long-term relationship.
If you go back to where that text is, and you read my reply you'll learn that you got the question a bit wrong. I was already suspecting that this was about that ;)
You should also know, she talks about Aquarius in general. I answered her in truth. 
Tell me what you think 
(at this point I am already triggered and unable to actually hear anything he says-  I am lost and blind, drowning in this ancient wound)
doesn't matter, i must own my own grief, i gave the love so freely with such joy, later attachment to your response came in, now I must process my own grief- it matters to me how you received it; but it matters to me more that it is so difficult for me to love without attachment- i must be with this huge wave of grief that is washing me away in this moment, i must feel it in my body and surrender
So... what does this mean exactly? Are you still in some sort of doubt? I don't know how to interpret this last text.
yes, i am in very much doubt in this moment of everything- nothing is clear to me
If i can do anything,please tell me. 
from one moment to the next i believed you didn't care about me, part of me knows it is a lie and another part this demon screams at me it is true, maybe he cares but he doesn't love you because you are not lovable i don't make sense the unloved part of me is trying to destroy me in this moment- it feels so real, like nobody loves me, i know it isn't true but i don't believe it i can't explain it i hurt so bad
Of course it feels real. It's what others taught people like us to think of ourselves our whole life. You know that it is not real. Why would you give room to a demon. Those things their end is nearing. Give him a big kiss and he will pop into smoke. 
And if you really thinks that no one loves you, then you should re-read all of your messages all over the TWYH (web site Think With Your and Jenn’s /( site. Those ARE real, and certainly not coming from demons. 
no my grief is a core feeling of self rejection triggered by outer circumstances- i feel it so deeply, such a wound cutting deep into my heart in this moment- i know by letting it have its way with me, i will release it but my god, so many waves in the last days, so many waves... it hurts terribly 
yes, It probably is, because i am trying to think what caused this, but nothing comes to mind. I'm sorry you feel like that now. I guess, the waves are really getting at you now. 
I hope you won't have to suffer very long. Why don't you go lie down on the bed for a while. You were already tired hours ago, and now this. Put on a candle, some soft music, and go into surrendering. Don't make it linger.
i'll try- the pit is so deep i can't see out
curled up in bed sobbing- so hard for me to trust Love
I know, Savannah, i know, but you will
thank you it is huge feels so much bigger than me i can't see and i can i see an insidious pattern that has kept me limited my whole life- i am desiring to surrender but can't remember how
You are clearing something big time it seems to me. You are not gonna let that pass, now are you?
You've been through much worse, you can have this, yes you can! 
Trying to send you some positive energy
It's a good thing you got to the real core of the problem. Smile to the 'monster' You know it's lying.
my god I see more clearly then ever- my love for myself is tied to how much i think others love me- they don't love me, i won't love myself... my god, so insidious
This is indeed probably your biggest trial, yes. I think, when you get through this one...a lot of weight will be gone. Don't fly away now, y'hear?
i'm so scared, thanks for hanging on with me, i am so scared, i don't know how to do this, i feel one year old, this is big, i am sobbing my daughter is home dear god, (I want any excuse to stop this process and prematurely end it as I am terrified)
Your daughter is safe and sound. She can take this, she's smart, and emotions are part of life. You're doing fine. Now go back to yourself  with all your attention, and go fully through it.
Go further into it. Venture at your own peace. You don't want to come back another time to finish what you just started, i hope. Take it easy, don't rush and keep your concentration on your breathing in and out.
what hurts so bad is my refusal to love myself, no matter what; i will withdraw my own self love if i can't be sure someone else loves me- that isn't it either, i know my daughter loves me, trying to make sense but i can't it is a monster and it is clawing at me it is trying to destroy me it is lying to me
Okay you are 1 year old now. That's okay. Now see yourself slowly getting older while you keep on saying 'i love myself so much'. Stop at your current age, and try to be still and feel again. Don't focus on any fear. 
thank you for this brilliant idea- maybe you should join me or do you know you are loved? (terrified to be alone with it) i will do this- shaking so bad
This is NOW and you got called. Don't think about me now. Don't drift away now. My suffering has yet to come, but it's not now.
(I did the counting till my current age- I experienced deep grief and a slowly bubbling joy and laughter)
Yes, now, subsiding a bit- I started laughing when I got to 38 years old (my friend’s age) and thinking how much further I had to go until I got to my age- got a chuckle, not so intense now, i will survive it
Of course you will (did you really question that? Thought that i was the one who didn't know himself). 
Maybe soon we get the possibility to stop aging and getting to look younger again. Enjoy counting numbers, while they still exist ;)
(from here the charge released leaving me feeling depleted yet light - the entire process was about two hours)
The truth is that I knew he reciprocated my feelings- I could feel it in my body yet my primal wound would not allow me to trust my instincts. He held in his power and integrity and refused to rescue me. Had he tried he would have aborted one of the greatest releases of my life. In case you are curious how I feel after this release, I feel as though I woke up from a trance. I laugh at the idea he doesn’t care about me- all his actions and my inner guidance and his later words let me know that was absurd. More importantly it created the space for me to embody a powerful self acceptance and adoration, a feeling of coming home to myself, a profound self cherishing. Since that day, I have experienced a giddy joy and delight in being totally myself, speaking my innermost truth, revealing secrets and releasing toxic shame, delighting in life with a new sense of celebration. In other words, it was all so worth it. This is a whole other blog yet the reason I believe I was so triggered is because of my almost complete certainty that the person this happened with is someone with whom I had a very intimate past life. The strength of my feelings and responses tell me something very unique connects us.  Just to clarify, this is definitely not a romantic relationship, rather a heartfelt friendship. Thank you beloved Hein for holding me through this process.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Wildfire and Kundalini

Since Thursday potent energies are coursing through me. I have had three significant pain-body releases one of which was huge and extremely primal. Since Friday I have had strong Kundalini/ sexual energy dancing across my body. I feel a fierce pressure in the frontal lobes of my brain and at the top of my head. I'm laughing almost uncontrollably, I'm crying with anguish. I'm topsy turvy. I say again, we are definitely not in Kansas anymore. Something is a foot and having it's way with us. At times it feels like a wildfire is burning in me that will not be quenched until it has burned away all that is false in me. The feelings made me remember one of the most powerful poems I have ever read, written by a friend- the poem made my hair stand up on end when I first read it. My friend has generously given me permission to reprint it here.

Going into the dark to raise a fire, 
a wild fire; I’ll pour gasoline and 
ransack the forest for fuel 
hacking down trees, axe swinging wildly 
burn it all in a fire pit 
But the shape smothers my blaze 
so I kick down its walls, stoke my fire with paper bills 
and with the words that catch susceptible minds 
unleashed flames pirouette in treetops 
my fire grows free for all to see 
but there’s more to burn, more to set aflame, I’m not finished 
While I dance wildly the faceless men appear 
and as they reach for me I falter, “Maybe they know best” 
maybe I’m out of control, a madwoman, a destructive force 
and then a howl tears through me 
not like a dog, or a wolf, or a pack of wolves 
but like a prehistoric man, blood frozen through time 
thawing now after ages out at sea, roaring to life 
with the sound of a thousand hooves beating hardened tundra 
I’m wet with effort and smell like electric earth 
a bolt of lightning reaching across a dark prairie sky 
I am translucent flame licking the heels 
of the faceless men who cannot save me 
(though they’ve tried to keep me from myself) 
they spit and sizzle away until one hazy shape remains 
and I stand before him, a firestorm 
slice open my centre, watch my insides fall like icicles 
to pierce the ground beneath my feet 
that spread now like roots to the earth’s core 
I scoop out flames and pack them in the empty space 
and I burn like night-time stars, like rebirth after destruction 
They call this madness, they call this danger, they call this 
a fire burning out of control, uncontainable 
as they crawl beneath fire blankets weeping
frosty tears and bartering for their lives 
I call this strength, fire of the human spirit WILDFIRE 


Monday, December 5, 2011

laughter, tears and sacred embodiment

Has anyone else been feeling very ungrounded? For the last few day I feel like Alice in Wonderland- I don't know up from down. Or as my wasband put it, like an acid trip gone wrong. I was doing fabulous for almost a month and then made the mistake (just kidding) of going to a healer. Even though I was doing well, I thought I'd go for a tune up, especially as he tends to book out months in advanced. Well, maybe it was that but all I know is the last few days I became unglued. I allowed one of the biggest charges of my life Saturday to wash over me- back to my core issue- if someone special doesn't love me, I'll die. Now I thought I had that bad boy licked but apparently not. I was online when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I lay in the fetal position, sobbing, thinking monsters of terror would tear me limb from limb. I soon recognized I had reverted to one year old and was without love, in a pit and at that moment, my life really did depend on someone loving me enough to take care of my survival needs. Now those needs of mine were met beautifully as a child, just not the emotional needs to feel a love I could recognize as a sensate based being. That was missing and I have been searching for it ever since, usually in all the wrong places. The only place that can really fulfill it is the last place I looked and where my search continues to land me- inside. Now I have done tons of work but this took me down. I was very fortunate to be in connection with a trusted friend online and he held the space and then actually came up with an intuitive response that gave me the key to finding my way from the bottom of the pit. Perhaps if I get the energy I will transcribe it in a blog as it was a extraordinary example of a pain-body release process and unique in that it was captured in words as he kept sending me encouragement to stay with the terror I was feeling and I kept describing my moment to moment bodily experience of this primal wound being exposed and released from my cellular memory. My fingers felt like lead as I uncurled enough to type yet the sense of not being alone in the pit was a godsend for me to emerge from that wasteland.

Now I also had a huge charge Thursday about shame. I created a space with another group of trusted friends to release that shame through revealing it to witnesses, thus releasing the negative emotional charge still stored in my body. Then another little charge about not being good enough. Just a fun filled week. By Sunday I was slap happy and giggling uproriously. My daughter and I created a family mottos, "ya, do da everything good, eskimo. penguin in house." I think it fits us perfectly and we were rolling around laughing- it came from trying to translate a Dutch phrase- turns out it was not an exact translation. 

Over the last little while I alternate between laughter and tears. It is midday and I would guess I have cried maybe 10 times today and I feel extraordinarily grounded and connected to myself. They are tears of joy, recognition, sorrow, grief, awareness, etc. They are tears of remembrance. I was at my embodidance class this morning. A song with the words "alleluia" was playing and I fell into a deep reverence for myself. I was stroking my own face as though I were the most precious infant, caressing myself with a tender touch of self adoration, giving myself the love I have been missing. It was beyond words and I felt again the delicious sense of homecoming. As I have gone through my day, I felt so present and connected. I had a meeting for my new job and because of all the emotions I have been processing, I wondered if I could regain any type of professional demeanor- it went wonderfully. I was totally present and authentic and could access my skills. 

I am sitting on my deck at this moment. The wind is gently nudging one of my chimes. The sun basks me in its warmth. I hear my bunny thumping around the corner. I have passed through a virtual hurricane of energies and am now at peae. I know it is not over, i am not done. Yet at this moment I am choosing to love myself, exactly as I am, especially my adorable "flaws."

Saturday, December 3, 2011

you do NOT have to be good

Another little egoo storm showed up yesterday. I wanted to share something important with a friend yet I was afraid it might hurt him. It felt urgent for me to tell him this yet I was literally crying so hard I could barely type my message to him. I finally got it out yet I was sobbing like a baby while I did it- why? Well, I let myself weep until it passed and then asked why. I recognized that old false belief sticking it's knife into me- that I have to be good 24/7, angelic, holy, sweet, kind, artificial, false, fake. Yea, they go together. I was raised Catholic and literally feared the fire and brimstone of hell. When I was about 8 my friend's 6 year old sister did a strip tease as a joke. I decided afterwards that to watch it was a mortal sin- hell. I was too scared to confess it- another mortal sin and went to church, taking communion with a mortal sin on my soul. Since I was at a Catholic school that was mass 6 times a week, 5 in school and one on Sunday. I was too afraid to confess, thinking the priest would think I was sooo evil. This lasted over two years. I truly believed that if I died I would go straight to hell- that is the rule if you die with a mortal sin on your soul. I finally confessed it just by listing the commandment- forget which one, and saying nothing further to the priest as I was way to ashamed. Now imagine me, 10 years old, sitting outside the confession and quaking in terror and shame- nice way to imprint some negative cellular memory, creating contraction and “pain-body.” The priest asked me how many times I'd gone to mass and confession with this mortal sin on my soul- now this was a nice guy. He came to our house on Sunday mornings after church and had blueberry pancakes with us. I used to love to go to communion on the days we had those pancakes before church, sticking out my purple tongue and imagining him fainting away in horror wondering if I had the purple tongue disease. So he tried to help me out, asking me if it was five times? ten times? yea yea I mumbled. Now since it was more like a 1000 communions and 100 confessions, I was still a little short with my confession, meaning I am still walking around with about 1000 mortal sins. Now don't worry about it if you don't get the Catholic rules, I am sure you get the feeling- terror!! I will go to hell. So I tried to be extra good and pray that might make up for my evil nature. So no wonder I still have had the gotta be good thing. Plus if I wasn't good at home I was afraid my father would kill me- my biggest source of terror. Now this is the recipe of a good but false kid-  me. So I declare myself free now and forever. I am going to go out and be extra naughty and see if I survive- wish me luck.
Below is a poem that was critical in helping me release this belief when I first spotted it years ago. In fact reading it helped me wake up to this particular aspect of my self hatred-realizing I was never GOOD ENOUGH. May it help any of you self haters wake up from that lie.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes, 
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, 
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting  
over and over announcing your place 
in the family of things.
from Dream Work by Mary Oliver 
published by Atlantic Monthly Press
© Mary Oliver


O.K. Russia, it is so good to see you here. I am so curious where you live, what your name is, how you feel. Would you be willing to tell me anything about yourself. Russia is such a big country- I am trying to picture you. Would you be open to me? No worries if it is too scary or you just don't feel like it- know you are in my heart.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

self hatred

waves of self hatred are washing over me in this moment. it is very hard for me to admit, especially here. It is important for me to own this so I declare it is so in this moment and I allow this. this is what i try to share with others, we must allow what is. this is what is in this moment so I allow it to have its way with me and I say YES! through my tears. i am afraid i will scare away new readers but so be it. Please send me light to pass through this wave. I intend to love myself through this self hatred.