Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Welcome South Africa!
This has been a difficult last year and a half and I want to take time to extend my appreciation to a number of people for a number of things. This is very personal, about people most of you never heard of, yet it feels good for me to share. 
In no particular order:
Uschi, my dear friend and confidant of over 20 years. Your ability to listen and to remain Present is an extraordinary gift. You help me steer my ship even when I feel rudderless. You sometimes hear me more clearly than I hear myself. So many times you have reflected back to me something essential that I have either forgotten or am not in touch with, restoring me to balance and sometimes, it feels, sanity. How fortunate I am to count you as a friend.
Irmgard, whenever I need support you offered it unfailingly and unstintingly. Your bottomless concern held me when I was almost without a single ounce of internal strength. Our expanded friendship is one of the great gifts of this time. Knowing you were there for me was a profound strand of the web that has held me.
To Marie, for years of friendship and speaking my language, for listening when I most needed it. To Elizabeth for laughter and the perfect card. To Karin for your wisdom and insight, your unfailing support. To my women's temple for their generosity of spirit and embodied wisdom. To Luis and my CMR family for teaching me how to dive into my body to recover my soul. To Mary for helping me remember Love and guiding me to my daughter. To Sigy, for helping me remember lost parts of myself, my joy and enthusiasm.
To Georg, my husband, for years of unfailing love and support. One story will suffice to give a taste of his generosity. We were scuba diving in the Andaman Sea on a week long diving trip. It was the final dive and we were told we would have to use hand holds to cross a very strong underwater current. We were all positioned to begin the crossing, hanging on tightly to the sea bottom as the current pummeled us when a woman in front of me kicked me in the face with her fin. I went tumbling into space and without a moments hesitation, Georg let go and blew away with me. We summersaulted in the current, as though we were in outer space. We were able to swim our way across to each other and finally clasp hands until we could angle our way out of the current. Using hand signals, we agreed to stay underwater and actually enjoy the beauty before surfacing to an uncertain fate. We did mange to look around at the underwater wonderland. With little air remaining, we surfaced and bobbed in our blow up life vests, nothing in sight except thunderous waves. We were drifting for about an hour before being discovered by the yacht's dingy. That my husband released his handhold without a seconds hesitation was and is to me one of the most touching moments of my life. I thank you for a lifetime of existence's most precious gift, love.
For my daughter Ciela, your birth reawakened me to the feeling tone of unconditional love. Your laughter and generosity of spirit continue to inspire me. Your compassion and wisdom often literally leave me speechless. Your continuous love is the river in which I float. And to top it off, you're one fun kid and delight me by joining me in my quest for adventure and desire to suck the marrow out of life. To you and the many others who have offered me their time, support, love, laughter, joy, wisdom, shoulders' to cry on, hugs and kisses, I extend my enduring and boundless gratitude.

Monday, May 30, 2011

coming home

Lately I have been feeling the most intense sense of connection and belonging. I went alone to a movie  called I Am at the last minute. When I arrived I found a seat in the crowded theater. Then I heard people calling my name. A large group of people I know were sitting together and invited me over. I saw three other groups I knew and was busy chatting here and there. Then I made some wonderful new friends. I had such a profound sense of belonging which is new, as I normally have felt like the outsider in groups, never quite sure I fit in. The movie is a delightful documentary showing scientifically that we are not competative by nature, rather we are connection seeking creatures, energetically always tuned in with each other. As I left the theater, I had many warm hugs and interesting little conversations. Outside I fell into dialogue with a woman who owned a store I had just visited for the first time. I had never met her before, yet I felt such a powerful attraction, a sense of intense knowing and recognition, a strong wave of love. I was euphoric.
I also have fallen in love with a mother and daughter who just bought our local video store. Every time I go in there, I feel such elation and joy yet I hardly know them. This exhilaration is happening more and more, as though I have been out in the wilderness for so long and am finally finding my tribe. I felt this years ago when I met my Cellular Memory Release family but the feeling is getting stronger and stronger and happening more frequently. It feels wonderful.
I just heard about a study with baboons through National Geographic. They discovered the alpha males had much less stress than the submissive males in the troop, seemingly proving that domination, power and ruthlessness are the ways of nature that lead to success. The study seemingly was ruined when the troop started migrating toward developed areas and eating garbage. The garbage was contaminated with tuberculoses and many of the animals died. Yet the shocking discovery was that ALL the alpha males died and only more cooperative, "kinder" males survived. The entire nature of the troop changed to one of cooperation and support. Any new animals that tried to join were quickly trained out of any aggressive tendencies and the troop flourished and lived much longer lives than previously. So the old Darwinian idea of the survival of the fittest is false. In fact, even Darin spoke of the power of cooperation in nature yet this part of his work is not generally known.
The power of support and cooperation sure is coming alive for me. It feels so incredibly good, gives me such a sense of homecoming. I was just at a workshop with Khen Rinpoche Geshe Kachen Lobzang Tsetan, Abbot of Tashi Lhunpo Monastary in exile. He was teaching about compassion and love. He sure seemed to embody those qualities and to radiate an inner light. Being in his Presence created such delight. Again, I felt so at home. Afterwards I went out with an old friend and and a new friend I met for the first time that night. The feeling of recognition, of being in a similar resonance was so powerful.  We spoke as though we had known each other forever. At the same time, some people I have known for years feel almost like total strangers. It definitely feels like there is a new energy blooming on our Beloved Earth. Do you feel it?

Friday, May 27, 2011

"You are doing this to yourself"

O.K., firestorm take ten. Again, in such a rage, freak out, judgment, spin, tirade, flip out. My daughter was extremely challenged yesterday and suffering. I blamed, projected, and judged, seeking the causes of her pain and my own. While she ended with incredible wisdom, recognizing her own pain body and sweetly fell asleep, I continued to shake and mentally collapse.
Later I melted as I realized that while part of me recognized and accepted what was happening without resistance another part of me bought it totally and responded as though it were all real and dangerous. That sent me spiraling back down into the worm hole, with the belief that my daughter was being harmed. I took a hot salt bath and calmed down. (I was doing that intuitively for awhile but now I read that is suppose to help balance these crazy energies.) I started asking, as I always do, what is good about this? what do I need to learn? realize? remember? I flipped to my trusty Course in Miracles and I got the other page I always get, pg. 588, "I have done this thing, and it is this I would undo." Seems I might as well tear out this page and the one about not being the body because I get them over and over. Geez, I wonder if there is a message here for me.
I had a vivid dream in the morning. I was sound asleep and woke up suddenly, remembering this dream. In the dream I had some kind of tuning instrument and was toning while pressing it to my lips. The sound was loud and clear and suddenly my chair and I were levitated to the ceiling. I was floating along the ceiling and noticed people staring up from their tables in awe. Their eyes showed amazement. The floating seemed so normal to me I wondered why they were staring. I awoke with the sense of the dream's reality and a strong feeling of being uplifted. It has been a very long time since I remembered any dream and this one was particularly realistic. Here, obviously I had found a way to be free.
So I have spent the morning waking up to my own separation and judgment and recognizing the finger was pointing back to me. I made humble amendments and laughed at my blindness. I was accusing another of being unloving while trumpeting my own vast superiority in the loving department. Hum, could there be any lack of integrity or clarity here? Any irony? Any lack of love and support on my part? So I cried through my humble pie. The pain of separating myself from love is showing up in my gut and letting me know I better stay clean and clear and out of the goo of my own poopo.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

not "my" body

I am learning a powerful, albeit challenging lesson. Over the years I have realized that my identify is not my mind, not my emotions, not my thoughts. My next lesson seems to be that I am not my body. This is very challenging for me to realize as my body produces physical sensation that make me identify very strongly with it. I have been releasing my identification over the last months with the physical experience of my emotions, noticing how emotions have a very visceral component without linking myself with those sensations. Now my next learning opportunity is about understanding how I have misidentifying myself as my body.
To be honest, I am not fully onboard with this one yet it is happening anyway. Two months ago and again two days ago I was in agonizing pain deep in my belly. Whatever it was, when the pain took me over I felt incapacitated and my mind started freaking out. I was scheduled to teach the last class in a series and have a party afterwards with my students. That fact made it even harder for me to accept the pain I was in and the way it did not fit in with my plans. I made it through the class and actually we did a session on me in class to help release the pain if possible. No such luck. The message I got in the session is the one I am writing about, that I am still identifying myself with my physical form. I missed the class party. I had to crawl into bed and just allow the pain. It got so bad I threw up. I finally fell asleep but during the night I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.  My mind was trying to run away from me again but I was reining it in, not running worst case scenarios or future negative fantasies. I did what I often do which is flip open my Course in Miracles. I ended up turning to the same page I had turned to when this happened two months ago, the exact same page from a book with well over a thousand pages. Coincidence? Me thinks not.  The page talked about falsely believing ourselves to be our bodies. It is the primary identification of the ego and keeps us limited, bound by our physical experience, able to be terminated by death and basically victims of our flesh. If that is the truth of who we are, we will end up as dust, not a pretty or liberating thought.
But is that the truth? It sure felt like it when the pain was ripping through my gut. My mind was awash in fear. Yet a small part of me was observing and not buying it totally. I continued to explore and to be willing to believe that I am more than this corporeal form. My mind can barely grasp the concept yet the pain made me very willing to explore the possibility that it might be true. I prayed that if this pain had taught me all it had to give, that it be lifted from me. The last time the agony lasted two days and nights. Miraculously, after sleeping on and off for twelve hours, I woke up pain free. Miracle!!
I am left reeling a bit. I am having myself checked on the physical level and there is no doubt that stress is a factor in what is happening. How much control over this do I have? Can it be mind over matter? Is it a question of a spiritual awakening where I learn to break my belief that who I am is this skin suit? My mind can hardly bend itself around this. My body seems so real and true and it is who I have always known myself to be. My mind feels disoriented even as I write this. At the same time, during the session I had accessing the excruciating pain in my gut, I became highly motivated to know the truth. I had a deep sense of clarity during the session and again in the night that I am more then my physical form  and that this is just a temporary container my Essence has poured itself into. 
Other times I have known without question my own unlimitedness. The body did not even enter into the equation. There was an expansiveness, a euphoria and joy without containment. I have no answers at this point, only curiosity and an intense wondering. If any of you can enlighten us on this question, please chime in. For now, I must file this away in the mystery category.

Monday, May 23, 2011

stay on target

As things are collapsing and the chaos intensifies, it is essential that we stay focused on our intent and desire. It is easy to get swept away by all the challenging events occurring in our world and in our families and neighborhoods. There are so many illnesses, deaths, financial losses and so on. Yet it is critical that we concentrate on our heart's desire.
I have been reading something interesting about a new world view, a paradigm shift away from service and "saving the world" to co-creation and living our passion. I feel this coming alive in me. I used to believe that to be a good and worthy person I needed to serve, to save the world. That no longer fits for me so I am happy to read that others are experiencing and writing about this brand new reality. The model now is to find our gift through recognizing what delights us. By doing that which creates joy within us, we become the gift and uplift the planet through the vibration of that blissful being. To continue to believe that we need to save the world just keeps the old paradigm in place. Now we are brand new in our unlimited ability to co-create. What a relief! I realize I need do nothing to be a good and worthy person. The essence of who I am, who you are is good and worthy. Nothing we do can add or subtract from that innate wholeness, it simply is.
Have you seen the movie Star Wars? Remember the one where the death star will destroy an entire planet? Luke Skywalker must save the planet by taking a one in a million shot to hit the one weak point in the otherwise impenetrable death star. On his approach in his starship, he is bombarded by enemy fighters ahead, behind, above. Yet he is told again and again, "Stay on target, stay on target." He must focus all his concentration and technology to hit that one tiny spot that would create the force necessary to destroy the evil death machine. An inner voice (or the voice of his guides- whatever it is suppose to represent) tells him to shut down his technology and to trust "the force" within. He does so, hits the tiny spot and saves millions of life.
That image and that voice saying "stay on target" has stayed with me for years. When ever I feel myself veering into the energy of the chaos, into fear or doubt, I remind myself to stay on target, to surrender to my bliss, to follow my vision and intuition. When I do, I feel good and miracles happen. When I don't, I feel bad and shit happens. Simple, yet challenging. So will you join me and stay on target with your dreams and your joy, your bliss? I will see you in the field.

Welcome India! Countries on the blog

I am so excited! India just joined the blog! O.K., in case you are getting creeped out, that's all I know about you, what country you are from. Yet you are all a part of my blog family and that is important to me. So I don't know your names, what you most desire, what scares you, what your passion is, the most important thing to you, the most challenging thing for you, your sense of purpose and meaning.  I wish I did. The only thing I know is where you are from. So I want to celebrate that by listing all the countries joining us in the order they showed up. Every time a new country shows up, I will mention it once I notice it. I am like a kid in a candy store every time a new country joins. WELCOME INDIA!!!! Love you, savannah

P.S. I am going to be in Slovenia for the first time in July. I am so excited! Up till now, I have been in 19 of the countries listed below. I have been in the airport in Columbia but I didn't think it was fair to count that as it did not give me any real sense of your country. With Slovenia, it will be 20. It makes me feel like a citizen of the world to have been in so many contries. I am so glad I know at least a little bit about most of your countries.

United States
Costa Rica
United Kingdom
South Korea
Sri Lanka

Sunday, May 22, 2011

generosity and abundance

I watched my daughter do the most extraordinary thing two days ago- she spent 50% of her total net worth ($11) to buy a friend she rarely sees the same toy she was buying herself. Another words, she wiped out all her savings buying herself and a friend each a toy. Whoa! Generous. She did the same thing with all her Christmas money. And guess what happens? Yesterday she was offered a job- what?!? she’s 10 years old- and made back the same amount plus 50% more than she gave. This kid knows the law of abundance.
When she was 7 years old she gave a third of her Christmas money to a homeless shelter where she was thanked by Utah Phillips and featured in the local newspaper.
The kid intuitively understands abundance and boy does it show up in her life. She has had a relative gift her horse lessons since just before she turned 6. When she desires something a lot, a person or an experience, it shows up. I continuously teach her the rules of consciousness and abundance as I understand them, yet I don’t think it is fair that she gets it so much better than I do! They say the children’s DNA has been upgraded and I believe it.
So there you have the flow of abundance. She is MUCH better at that than I am yet I am really good at manifesting money too. Two years ago I was reading a book called Busting Loose of the Money Game. It really blew me away. I finished it on my birthday as I was lying in my hammock and I literally shook for an hour as I allowed my body to experience all that scarcity has cost me in my life. I am trained in the physical release of cellular memory so I knew enough to stay with it and fully allow it. Even still, I was amazed as I stood witness to my own continuous shaking.
I decide to teach a course on releasing financial limitation. I taught it twice and perhaps I was the one who need it most. Yet it seems to have worked. Since then we have bought a home and two cars “in this economy.” Plus we have more money then before we bought all those things, a lot more. Don’t ask me to explain it because my best explanation for it is mystery and intent. Abundance just keeps showing up primarily in the form  of intuitive investments going hog wild, but also with gifts, friends, someone paying for us or inviting us to join them for some fantastic experiences,  etc. That is despite the fact that our income was way below poverty two years in a row and that the bank laughed in our face when we tried to refinance to get a lower interest rate. The first time I asked I was all intimidated and cowed when they said “no way jose.” The second time I marched in there and said why not!?! I still haven’t convinced them but that is not the point. The point is to create and hold a vibration of abundance as my daughter has learned to do naturally. I must still concentrate. I catch myself all the time saying or thinking in scarcityspeak. Here’s how that sounds. “No honey, we can’t put your take out food and mine in a separate container because it will cost way more” (i.e. The possible .0000000045 ounce of the container might totally bankrupt me if they weigh it wrong- sadly this is a true recent example.) Or “no honey you can’t have something to drink and to eat- it cost to much.” You get the point. I am catching these more and more. Or driving 6 miles to save 4 cents a gallon on gas. Or eating food a little past it’s prime because you can’t waste good money.
My realization on my birthday two years ago led to a powerful intent to be unlimited and to that end I both keep my focus on abundance and  clear away anything that interferes with ability to vibrate with the knowledge that I have oodles of whatever I desire. The clearing, as always, is a two step process. Allow my body to physically experience any vibration of lack, observing it without judgment as it passes through my body and clearing any limiting beliefs.
I think “in this economy” as more and more people freak out about money, soaring prices, lost jobs, inflation, high gas prices, impossible cost for health insurance, etc. it is essential to keep focused on and vibrating with abundance. I think it is critical because at this time in history money and power are strongly correlated. For me the main gift of money is the freedom to do what I desire. Women especially seem to get disempowered often by the lack of money. So if this is a challenge for you, remember these simple rules of abundance. Give generously, speak abundantly always even if you only have 3 cents in your pocket, allow yourself to feel where in your body scarcity arises if it does come up and allow it fully. Clear any limiting beliefs. Stay focused on abundance no matter how much financial collapse you see around you. Most importantly, feel yourself to be abundant, vibrate with the absolute assurance that you are unlimited and you will be.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Being real, connection and false self images

I realized something profound a few days ago- I have been inadvertently teaching my daughter to be false. I had a rough day with several crying jags and then the spine squeezing energies sucking the life out of me. I felt like I could  go crazy. WhenI picked my daughter up, she could tell I’d been crying. I admitted I had been crying which is progress. In the past I’d try to deny it. But then later I realized I didn’t want her to see me actually cry and I had to ask myself why? I recognized that I had a belief that parents shouldn’t allow their children to see their "negative" emotions. WHAT?!?!? Where does that nonsense come from? I was taught that, but it makes no sense. When I really stopped and took a look at it, I realized my example was saying the "darker" emotions are to be hidden which suggest they are bad. I realized how indoctrinated I was into being “nice” and I was inadvertently passing that toxic belief on. 
When I understood what I’d been doing to her and how it would harm her, I changed my behavior. I told her I need to take some time in my bedroom to cry before dinner. I asked her for a hug. She refused. I accepted that without any hesitation and went and cried. She ended up crawling in to bed with me and hugging and kissing me. It was one of the most nourishing experiences of unconditional love I have ever known. It was so unbelievably healing. 
Don’t we all just want a hug and a kiss, the certainty that someone cares deeply about our well-being? Why do we say that parents should never have any needs when it comes to their children? That is unnatural. Of course, it is one thing to parentify a child, expect them to take care of you, to meet your needs. It is another to allow them to see we are human and that we have all the emotions they do. This models for them that all emotions are important. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to express them yet all emotions are acceptable. They are what keeps us real and show us our values and beliefs, reveal to us the consequences of our thoughts. They are our guidance system.
Who taught us to teach our children to stuff their "negative" feelings? This is where our false self images come from which lead to so much pain. And this is what I was doing supposedly for my child’s  benefit? Whoa! I can’t believe I fell for it for so long. Our emotions just are, they are neither good or bad. They reveal our internal landscape.
I just got a great book called Don’t  Be Nice, Be Real, by Kelly BrysonApparently the Universe has decided it is time for me to wake up. In my desire to get away from codependency I have trying to convince myself I have no needs. Absurd! My greatest need is for connection. It is just a question of where does connection come from? Before I tried to connect outside to feel connected on the inside. Now I know I need to self connect first before I can authentically, without manipulation, without making demands instead of requests, connect on the outside. If I seek fulfillment on the outside first, I am a puppet to the other person, a beggar waiting to see how this person responds so I can feel connected.  Dangerous. Yet I swung from one polarity to the other, from being totally needy to trying to be totally independent. Of course we are interdependent. Without my relationships, my life would be empty. I tried to tell myself I need nothing outside. WRONG. We all have universal needs for peace, equality, joy, love, meaning, connection
I know for sure that I have needed to use special relationships to ladder myself up to the point where I had enough internal mojo to take over for myself, to belief that I am enough, to begin to truly see my own magnificence and unlimitedness. While I have been cursing special relationships because I must break away from them now, I’d never have gotten here without them. So when I see others still caught in the web of specialness, I need to get out of judgment and know that their soul knows where it needs  to take them. Our greatest task as a human being is to truly love. We must do whatever it take to get there. So forgive me for my harangue against specialness. Because my eyes are newly opened to the cost, I have been disgusted and almost nauseous as I see what I have done to gain approval and acceptance and as I witness others do the same. How silly. It is so human and so necessary until it isn’t. So now I must get off my knees and yet ask to be humbled, to return to the soil of my own being, to free myself from the belief that I am nothing without the love and approval of another. And I must respect that no one else is ready to see that until they are. So it goes. Another error to correct. Ah well...
P.S. Feels to me like another energy surge yesterday. I feel fabulous and giggled my way through the day. My day was so delightful. I still can hardly believe how rapidly I can swing from heaven to hell and back again in the blink of an eye.

Monday, May 16, 2011

rage, specialness and being human

For about a week, I have been experiencing overpowering rage. I am raging at some circumstances in my life which are painful. Yet at the same time I am recognizing an extreme schism within me. I realize I rage at myself, again and again, for being human, for being angry, for being unkind, cold, grouchy. Sometimes I can accept it and sometimes I can’t. My biggest beef with myself is for being an imperfect parent. It rips my heart open when I am cold to my daughter. Coldness is a family legacy going back many generations. I was grouchy, bossy and cold yesterday about the homework again. I tried for hours to get her to do it, patiently at first and then BAM, my pain-body Iceberg came out and read her the riot act. 
I find it so difficult to be a human parent which for me is an oxymoron. They just don’t go together. This is the part of myself I must learn to accept, forgive, honor and cherish. What a job. Again and again I come back to the same pattern of self rejection. Ah....
I am also royally pissed off at “specialness” what the Course in Miracles calls our attachment to whatever or whoever we currently think is going to save us, make us happy, rich, adored, etc. The Course in Miracles calls this the ego’s best weapon and greatest trick in fooling us in to forgetting our own magnificence and unlimitedness. It says it is one of the most difficult obstacles to release. I have been studying this for years and boy is it a puzzler. I must admit it has dazzled me my whole life until now. Now I see through it most of the time. It infuriates me now. I am able to view so many thing differently when I remove the filter of specialness. Specialness has lead to untold heartbreak, destruction, misery. It is what we generally mistake for love. We call it love and are not surprised when it so quickly turns to hate. Love has no opposite. Love that excludes is not true love. Love is not limited. I have no clue why this is so bloody hard to recognize but now that I do I am like an ex smoker, wanting to go around and kick the ass of everybody still caught in specialness, scream in their face, “Can’t you see what you are doing?!?!?”
Now ironically I just caught myself believing in specialness again. I think I have release it around the 95% level for myself. But I realized just this morning that I still project it on my daughter. With all my training as a therapist and Cellular Memory Release practitioner, I am well aware of the power of conditioning, especially in early childhood. What I have been recognizing more and more is that I have formed a belief about the effect of conditioning and how it is shaping her. I belief something is harming her if, in general, that type of thing is harmful. I don’t wait to actually witness HOW IT AFFECTS HER. I am off and running with how it would affect me, how it did affect me, etc. She is under a lot of stress right now and being affected by situations most people would belief were damaging. I recognized that by my believing that too I am negating her incredible wisdom and ability to look past many things. She is often extremely wise and powerful, able to not be affected by challenging circumstances. Yet my beliefs counteract her strength. I am inadvertently telling her she is  bound to be adversely affected by her circumstances and then she starts to believe me! What a mind blower! Help, let me out of the prison of my own mind! 
While I was writing this I was interrupted. I had a conversation that brought to the fore how judgment is always wounding. I see how absurd my judgments are, how I am arguing with reality and losing. My rage is dissipating. I am beginning to see the trap I set for myself and work my way free.I pray to be released from my judgments and beliefs regarding my daughter being harmed by outer circumstances. I pray to be released from seeing my daughter, just because she is a child, as limited and the victim of outer circumstances. I pray that I can truly remember Who she is. I pray that we all can remember Who we are.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

loss and awakening

I have been noticing for awhile how many of the teachers I greatly admire have experienced an exceptional amount of loss. I was then particularly stuck when I came upon a clip from Oprah about Iyanla Vanzant and her book Peace from Broken Pieces. I listened with wonder and empathy to her extraordinary tale of loss- her husband, a relationship of forty years, her career, her riches and wealth, her reputation, her television show, her relationship with Oprah, her book contract, her home and possessions and finally, and most tragically, her daughter. I resonated so much with what she said and what she learned. I would recommend looking up those clips to hear her wisdom.
I have heard of a number of teachers whose children have died, spouses, financial ruin, etc. I myself sold a  beloved house for financial reason, and lost two of my most cherished dreams. And if I am honest, it was the loss, the stripping of identity which forced me on my knees to where I am now. Hearing Iyanla so poignantly describe her losses and learnings I was grateful that I am such a small potatoes teacher. It seems the greater the loss, the greater the awareness and the more influential the teacher. I personally know of only two apparent exceptions to this. I know two teachers who seemed to have been born wise yet I can not say what tragedy may have occurred in their childhoods.
I can say now categorically what I suspected but could not confirm until now; my last and greatest lost has catapulted me to a level of freedom and peace I had only preciously dreamed about. I have a calm certainty about my future, yet do not know any specific details other than to know it is and will be good and very, very good. I write about this because I know so many of us are experience profound loss and fear. My wish for you is that you can embrace it as it is happening rather than resist and fight. What would you say if I promised you that every step of the way is Divinely ordained, carefully constructed to lead you as gently as possible to your highest good? I assure you it is. Trust and faith were what I lacked so I went forth kicking and screaming my bloody head off. No more. Now I say, bring it on. I have tasted where I will arrive and know myself totally as the brilliant being I am. I am so close. And of course the same is true for you. You are a masterpiece and perhaps it is the gateway of loss that will open you to knowing that truth with every cell of your being. May you travel in deep faith and trust to arrive back where you started from, recognizing your own magnificence.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

dolphins, trust and belonging

I have so many blog ideas waiting to be birthed but a new thought popped out of nowhere to claim my attention. I have learned to never ignore my intuition so I am going to share my dolphin miracle.
I was on a live aboard yacht in the Bahamas to swim with dolphins. This was fulfilling a life long dream and honoring my deep affinity with dolphins. I have had miraculous encounters twice before but that is another story. For two days we did not encounter any dolphins. We ended up taking a family of three back to shore because they hated the experience, which had been a gift given to them. So we chugged in and out- a very long trip. But when we got back about 4-5 hours offshore we saw dolphins!! I was beyond thrilled. We saw them a number of times for several days and swam with them. We were warned never to touch them. But one day a dolphin kept circling me as I was snorkeling. The dolphin was very close. (I have a photo which hopefully I can somehow scan in.) Anyway, I restrained myself for several circles then I couldn't resist. I reached out and the dolphin slid along my hand, circling me. I was ECSTATIC- the chosen one! I caressed her sleek body once again. Now I was getting bold. I deliberately reached out to stoke her. She circled me several more times just out of reach by a millimeter then swam off. I followed in euphoric bliss. The waves were big as there was a hurricane off the coast of Cuba, not too far away. We had been warned never to leave the group of snorkelers so I faithfully kept checking. First there were five of us, then three, then two and on I swam. I suddenly looked up and realized I was alone with the dolphin pod, no boat in sight, about five hours from shore. I felt myself beginning to panic. I had panicked once before while scuba diving and almost drowned. This time I made a conscious decision not to panic. I used all my meditation skills to slow my breath. I decided to enjoy this extraordinary encounter with the dolphins. They stayed with me, playing games, swimming up toward me, charging at me only to dive under me at the last second. They circled me, did intricate patterns and generally kept me occupied. I felt a deep connection and gratitude. I knew absolutely that they realized I was in trouble and needed them. They were choosing to keep me company, keep me feeling safe. I was aware of a definite intelligence and certainty that they knew I had been afraid. There were perhaps a dozen dolphins. I knew on some level that my life was again in danger yet at the same time I felt a profound bliss.
Meanwhile, back on the yacht my friend told me that the captain was able to sight me very sporadically through the waves.  I have poor eyesight without glasses and was unable to see the yacht at all. After over an hour, they finally located me and pulled along side. Everyone jumped into the water to swim with the dolphins, who immediately took off. I had know all along that I would never be able to keep up with them if they had chosen to leave me. Now that I was safe, they swam away.
I am not sure why exactly I am sharing this but that's o.k. Maybe it is just to celebrate the mystery. It is definitely to honor and thank my dolphin friends. You stay in my heart. In fact I have tears just remembering the profound experience of astonishing connection. When I returned to land I felt heartsick. I was disoriented for days and had a strong sense of being banished from my home. I can not describe it now except to say that with them I felt a magical and extraordinary sense of belonging.

(Photo of the dolphin I touched and some of my other dolphin companions at bottom of the blog page.)

Friday, May 13, 2011

starseed and kick ass energies

This is a wacky one. I started and stopped it as in the “too out there” category. But my intuition nudged me again. So in case any of you are in the same boat...
An energy worker told me I was some kind of “starseed” and that he hadn’t seem that in years. I had no idea WHAT he was talking about so I stashed it in the “no clue” file and moved on. But then yesterday I was reading an energy update from a woman I really enjoy and appreciate and she’s yapping on about how the starseed group are the forerunners and getting their asses kicked first so that the rest who are meant to follow will be willing to come along.  The next wave or group ready to be upgraded to a higher level of consciousness need to see we not only survive but thrive after the ordeal. 
I have kept asking people if their bodies go into convulsions as the nights of the Mayan calendar shift every 36 days. Here’s what happens to me. Out of the blue, my spine starts to tighten, I feel tension between my shoulder blades, I feel squeezed in a vise. It starts less than a week into each new night of the Ninth Underworld for those of you keeping track. Only one person I asked seems to have anything similar. But I did discover two people who see earth tragedies such as the earthquakes and tsunamis ahead of time. And a lot of people from this energy update site seem to write about a similar experience, especially the writer of the blog. Shew... Thought I was going crazy. I have learned to release all judgment of self, other, any situation (or at least heading in that direction), stay out of the past or future, not believe my thoughts, allow and experience in my body all my feelings, etc. And still these energies were knocking me for a loop. So I share this in case you too are in that rare “getting your ass kicked” starseed group. Glad I’m not alone on this one. I guess it will keep happening until we are fully up to code. I know a few people who are doing fabulous and who seemed to be untouched by the chaos and collapse. I intend to hang in there until I too reach that level of conscious awareness. 

And remember, You are Loved, you are Love, you are the gift!!

(P.S. One fun fact. The number 13 use to be a very holy number. The Church decided to shift it's meaning for their own purpose. Friday the 13th is considered unlucky because on that day their was a massacre of the Templars, keepers of the grail, the Truth about who we really are, that we are each born in the image and likeness of God, meaning we are of the same energy and unlimitedness. The Church considered that Truth dangerous and did what they could to eradicate that knowledge - or at least that is what I read in Dan Brown's books which he says are based on historical truth. I recommend his novel The Lost Symbol.)
Below is what she had to say. Be forewarned- it’s out there. See if it is supportive for you.
"In other words, the ascension process does not bring us from bad to better (linear), but from from limitation to freedom (quantum).  The result is in the lasting effects, but the process is WAY more comprehensive…which is ultimately why the starseed warriors were designed to go first…so all you freakishly courageous souls could fully display the results of such self-inflicted torture. 
This fiercely independent group stepped up as the biological beta-testers for the new-human prototype and now these groups are finally (tho slowly) coming out of the beta (metamorphic) phase and are soon to be fully functional 2.0's as we near the end of the massive inner-journey and embark upon the final phase of our physical transition to the "other side".  (NOTE**Keep in mind that tho we are emerging, our wings still need time to harden before we can take flight, so patience is still required.)"
Lauren C. Gorgo
Creator of ThinkWithYourHeart.net 

Monday, May 9, 2011

Enlightenment for dummies

Has anybody but me noticed things are pretty intense lately? Seems like it is one crisis after another and everybody has something huge happening in their immediate circle of friends and family.  So it seems to me that “enlightenment” is no longer something esoteric for some yogi in a cave but something critical to surviving these rigorous times. So what came to me today is to devise an enlightenment for dummies plan. I know I need to keep it simple these day for it to work for me.
My plan is based on my understanding of Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery combined with Cellular Memory Release. I teach classes and give private sessions based on this work and I want to try to synthesize the key points into a hopefully simple plan for transformation.  
  1. How do I know if I am in ego or in mySelf, in my Spirt? If there is fear, doubt, anger and so on it is ego/fear. If there is a calm certainty, peace, joy, acceptance then you are remembering Who you are, you are in your own Presence. 
  2. What do I do when I am caught in ego? First, you allow ourself to feel what you are feeling in you BODY. Let the sensations, heat, knots, tension be there. Feel them fully. They come in waves and must be felt to be released. Then after the waves pass, examine your perceptions and beliefs. You have been caught by a false understanding of yourself, you have forgotten your magnificence, your unlimitedness. Ask for the support of the Universe in releasing these false beliefs and perceptions so that you can remember your true Identity. Through allowing the past conditioning to come to the surface for transformation, we are able to clear all the obstacles and return to the state of being, of bliss that is our true identity. Know it as simple as that, yet as challenging as that.
I am amazed that despite my level of awareness, despite my ability to observe myself and my knowledge of my own conditioning and triggers, I still fell again for my unloved conditioning/pattern on my birthday. In hindsight I can reinterpret what happened with more accuracy and honesty but as it happened I could only see and feel one thing- I am not loved. Wild to me how primal and powerful that conditioning can be.
My darlings, don’t believe it. It isn’t true! You are incredible, wonderful, precious, a masterpiece. Know that with every cell of your being. Don’t forget like I did. Don’t lie to yourself about Who you are.
If you have particular questions feel free to email me and I will try to answer as many questions as I can in future blogs.   Onelovekey@yahoo.com
Someone new from the Ukraine is checking into the blog. I love it! Welcome!
Remember how powerful and unlimited you are. Remember that you are never alone. Remember Who you are. It takes one to know one and I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. May the road rise up to meet you.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mothers, joy and judgment

Happy Mother's Day! I send my love today especially to all of you who are mothers. For me mothering is the most rewarding yet sometimes the most challenging thing in my life. Being a mother has brought me incredible joy. I love my daughter Ciela with a fierce powerful love. Sometimes I am swept with a wave of such gratitude and joy that she is in my life. She has been perhaps my most influential teacher of love. She helped me remember the resonance of unconditional love in my body simply by being herself, especially as a baby. My profound love for her sometimes brings tears to my eyes. She is the first relationship I have been able to make "holy" and move beyond specialness. She is incredibly wise, gentle, kind, generous, caring, creative and joyful. I celebrate her here as there is no daughter's day.
My love for her is one of my strongest motivations to move beyond my ego. Doing the professional work I do, I know how powerful conditioning is. I know how what I do with her has such an incredibly strong effect on her. For me this is the absolutely most challenging part of being human. I sometimes wonder how we can stand it- knowing that our errors can create such suffering in those we love. I feel a knot in the pit of my stomach as I write these words. How challenging to forgive myself for any ways I have inadvertently allowed my damaged conditioning to harm her and cause her to suffer. OUCH!! So painful! I have heard it said that mothers are the only group of people who seek enlightenment for someone other than themselves. So mothers I honor and bless you for your efforts. I celebrate you for all that you do, all the tender care you bring into raising your children. Thank you!

I also want to share with those of you who read my previous blog how it went with my birthday. I did really well until about 9:30 p.m. I was at peace and enjoying myself even though a great number of aspects of the day were not my ideal preference. Then I lost it, fell into the same old pattern, the unloved filter dropped before my eyes and I dissolved into a pool of tears. I had held and held, then felt myself slipping, was able to keep my mouth shut and stay moderately centered but the challenges lasted too long and I fell from grace. It has been an incredible learning lesson. I see aspects of this I never saw before. I saw in a way I never fully recognized how deeply I judge myself for being human and imperfect. I immediately get out the score card and start assigning failing grades and heaping distain on myself. I blamed myself. Not a pretty picture. But considering the level to which things were not my ideal picture, I did very well. At the same time I really can see how much of me is still attached to an "idol" a special relationship to prove to me that I am loved. Not enough recognition and gifts, not enough love- same old boring tape. I also saw what suffering I create with my expectations and judgment. Yet this time I quickly came in with awareness and compassion. I didn't say all the judgmental things to myself or anyone else that I would usually say. So the score for now- awareness and Presence 85, ego 15. Not bad, considering where I've come from. Lucky for me I don't have many expectations for Mother's Day. The expectations are a killer. And believe me when I tell you that this little drama increased my awareness and commitment to liberation exponentially, to being the Love I have sought outside. So all together, a good day. Well, gotta go, my daughter just woke up. Onward through the fog!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

birthdays, conditioning and control

Today is my birthday. I have always attached huge significance to my birthday. Over the years I figured out why. I only experienced myself as loved in my family as a child on my birthday and Christmas. On those days I got it- I was loved. My Mom went all out especially on Christmas with decorations, good food and lots of gifts. Inadvertently she conditioned me to associate presents and love. I operated unconsciously from that conditioning until I realized the connection yet even after realizing it, I still am pushed strongly by that link.
I had a difficult birthday in my early twenties and decided never again. Since then I always arranged something special for myself and bought myself presents I liked. I trained boyfriends to give me gifts. Then my poor husband was brainwashed into giving me lots of gifts. I never really got the cost until recently. My husband felt pressured and lost all sense of freedom and joy. I pressured others inadvertently too. We always had my women's Goddess group at my house at Christmas. I would go all out too. I was shocked when one year one member said she didn't want to do it at my house even though she had no other special plan. That burst my bubble and brought the link to my consciousness. Still it ran me big time.
This year I decided to do it a little different. I decided not to pass out my gift list, to put no expectations on anyone. My friend suggested I do it differently this year too and that clinched it- I knew I had to change or suffer and create suffering. I still bought myself some great gifts and I still will have a nice dinner. But that's it- the pressure is off- almost. I even chose to do something special for someone else for no reason, instead of focusing on myself. It worked! What fun. So we'll see how the the day feels without giving in to that old conditioning and need to control. So far there is more spaciousness, more room to breath. I can realize how much pressure for others I had created. Opps, that damn conditioning!
Ah, more freedom.
I also want to wish another dear former boyfriend who shares the same birthday a fabulous day. I adored this man in college and he helped shape me so I want to honor him. Happy birthday Miles!! Enjoy the day.
So time will tell today how this feels to let go of control. For now, it feels good.

Friday, May 6, 2011

We are the Beloved

On Easter I released the biggest condition that I believed was essential to my well being, to my wholeness, to my life. It was very challenging because my ego was screaming at me “NO, NO, NO!!!!!!! Don’t do it. You’ll be destroyed!” But my soul’s voice, while quiet and gentle, told me to do it and I had the courage to act. I jumped off the cliff only held by Trust. With tears in my eyes but with a firm hand I ritualistically cut away my last “idol.” An idol is what The Course in Miracles calls anything that we believe is essential to us, that we can’t live without, that we need and must have to be happy, free, fine, whatever. I have had many idols in my life, primarily relationships, but also food, sugar, shopping, travel, beauty, nature, good weather, etc. Now these things are beautiful in and of themselves; they only become destructive when we believe we NEED them for something. Why? It took me a long time to really grok this beyond the level of thought, to know in my body why this is true. The answer.... Drum roll, please, is because we are whole, perfect, and complete exactly as we are. WE ARE THE BELOVED. There is nothing that can add or take away from our magnificence, nothing. 
I don’t know about you but when I first read that I was like, huh?!? Nothing can add or subtract from us. No way, who are they kidding? Way of Mastery asks us to contemplate that question again and again- what can truly add to our fullness or take anything away from our essence? When I first read that, I was like, well, let me count the ways I can be diminished. Yet somehow when I jumped off that cliff on Easter, something profound shifted in me and for weeks at a time, I GOT IT!!! BEYOND THE LEVEL OF THOUGHT!!! IN MY BODY!!!!!!! O.K., another drum roll please, I AM THE  BELOVED AND SO ARE YOU!!!! I have worked toward this truth for twenty-four and a half years and now I get it for longer and longer periods and trust me when I tell you it was worth the wait. I have waited my whole life for someone to adore and cherish me enough so I could really feel it, really get it. I have been blessed with a number of people who have truly adored me and guess what? It made a dent but it was only temporary and then they began to act in ways that weren’t adoring and the whole vicious cycle started over again. My “special relationship,” the one that was meant to save me, walked away, wasn’t so attractive anymore, had a drinking problem, didn’t really love me, wasn’t spiritual, was no fun, was too bossy, etc. Shit, no cheese down that tube. So I was off and running again. But not now. It is indeed a miracle, I adore and cherish mySelf, but really. I  am magnificent. I am the Beloved. And guess what, when I Am, I can’t help but notice, YOU ARE TOO!! You are all looking so good to me! 
Here is what it feels like when I am mySelf. Time stops, I have no thoughts of the past or the future. I notice when people make “errors” but I just want to support them in regaining their balance. I have no judgments, no deep need. I feel joyful yet detached. Now, I don’t know about you but that word detached always gave me the creeps. Boring! No way. Detached is not a good word as it has so many negative connotations. Yet the feeling is good, it is a feeling of observing and delighting in all that passes before me. It is accepting what is with grace. It is having the thing that I thought was essential to my life, to my happiness taken away and feeling not only equanimity but a deep sense of liberation, a sense of unimaginable freedom, a deep knowing that it is suppose to walk away, that it is perfect. Can you imagine what it is to feel that, come what may, you still feel joy and peace? Well my previous worst nightmare is unfolding and I feel peace, gratitude, a deep contentment and most of all an exhilarating sense of liberation. I AM FREE!! I see only perfection and feel strong gratitude and excitement, wondering what miracles will unfold next. I sense the feeling tone of my future and it is yummy. I am seeing in the moment that what seemed like the worst thing that could happen is actually the exact thing I need and will lead me to my life’s desire, my most cherished dream. (O.K., enough with the capitals and exclamation points but this is pretty big for me.) Whoppee. (see, no exclamation point.)
Well, now truly I do feel born again. I get what the first commandment means, when they say thou shall not put false Gods before me. What it means for me is that anything or anyone one we believe can detract from our own totality, magnificence (I looked in the thesaurus, no other word for it) is a false God because then we don’t recognize ourself as made in the exact image and likeness of God. We are it. We are the One. Can you feel it?
The energy of transformation on the planet right now is intense. The Mayan calendar has given us the count down for eons. And boy, were they right on target. It is my greatest desire that we all feel it, know it, are it, that we all fully embrace ourselves as the Beloved. I see and feel it in you. Do you?