Happy Mother's Day! I send my love today especially to all of you who are mothers. For me mothering is the most rewarding yet sometimes the most challenging thing in my life. Being a mother has brought me incredible joy. I love my daughter Ciela with a fierce powerful love. Sometimes I am swept with a wave of such gratitude and joy that she is in my life. She has been perhaps my most influential teacher of love. She helped me remember the resonance of unconditional love in my body simply by being herself, especially as a baby. My profound love for her sometimes brings tears to my eyes. She is the first relationship I have been able to make "holy" and move beyond specialness. She is incredibly wise, gentle, kind, generous, caring, creative and joyful. I celebrate her here as there is no daughter's day.
My love for her is one of my strongest motivations to move beyond my ego. Doing the professional work I do, I know how powerful conditioning is. I know how what I do with her has such an incredibly strong effect on her. For me this is the absolutely most challenging part of being human. I sometimes wonder how we can stand it- knowing that our errors can create such suffering in those we love. I feel a knot in the pit of my stomach as I write these words. How challenging to forgive myself for any ways I have inadvertently allowed my damaged conditioning to harm her and cause her to suffer. OUCH!! So painful! I have heard it said that mothers are the only group of people who seek enlightenment for someone other than themselves. So mothers I honor and bless you for your efforts. I celebrate you for all that you do, all the tender care you bring into raising your children. Thank you!
I also want to share with those of you who read my previous blog how it went with my birthday. I did really well until about 9:30 p.m. I was at peace and enjoying myself even though a great number of aspects of the day were not my ideal preference. Then I lost it, fell into the same old pattern, the unloved filter dropped before my eyes and I dissolved into a pool of tears. I had held and held, then felt myself slipping, was able to keep my mouth shut and stay moderately centered but the challenges lasted too long and I fell from grace. It has been an incredible learning lesson. I see aspects of this I never saw before. I saw in a way I never fully recognized how deeply I judge myself for being human and imperfect. I immediately get out the score card and start assigning failing grades and heaping distain on myself. I blamed myself. Not a pretty picture. But considering the level to which things were not my ideal picture, I did very well. At the same time I really can see how much of me is still attached to an "idol" a special relationship to prove to me that I am loved. Not enough recognition and gifts, not enough love- same old boring tape. I also saw what suffering I create with my expectations and judgment. Yet this time I quickly came in with awareness and compassion. I didn't say all the judgmental things to myself or anyone else that I would usually say. So the score for now- awareness and Presence 85, ego 15. Not bad, considering where I've come from. Lucky for me I don't have many expectations for Mother's Day. The expectations are a killer. And believe me when I tell you that this little drama increased my awareness and commitment to liberation exponentially, to being the Love I have sought outside. So all together, a good day. Well, gotta go, my daughter just woke up. Onward through the fog!
My love for her is one of my strongest motivations to move beyond my ego. Doing the professional work I do, I know how powerful conditioning is. I know how what I do with her has such an incredibly strong effect on her. For me this is the absolutely most challenging part of being human. I sometimes wonder how we can stand it- knowing that our errors can create such suffering in those we love. I feel a knot in the pit of my stomach as I write these words. How challenging to forgive myself for any ways I have inadvertently allowed my damaged conditioning to harm her and cause her to suffer. OUCH!! So painful! I have heard it said that mothers are the only group of people who seek enlightenment for someone other than themselves. So mothers I honor and bless you for your efforts. I celebrate you for all that you do, all the tender care you bring into raising your children. Thank you!
I also want to share with those of you who read my previous blog how it went with my birthday. I did really well until about 9:30 p.m. I was at peace and enjoying myself even though a great number of aspects of the day were not my ideal preference. Then I lost it, fell into the same old pattern, the unloved filter dropped before my eyes and I dissolved into a pool of tears. I had held and held, then felt myself slipping, was able to keep my mouth shut and stay moderately centered but the challenges lasted too long and I fell from grace. It has been an incredible learning lesson. I see aspects of this I never saw before. I saw in a way I never fully recognized how deeply I judge myself for being human and imperfect. I immediately get out the score card and start assigning failing grades and heaping distain on myself. I blamed myself. Not a pretty picture. But considering the level to which things were not my ideal picture, I did very well. At the same time I really can see how much of me is still attached to an "idol" a special relationship to prove to me that I am loved. Not enough recognition and gifts, not enough love- same old boring tape. I also saw what suffering I create with my expectations and judgment. Yet this time I quickly came in with awareness and compassion. I didn't say all the judgmental things to myself or anyone else that I would usually say. So the score for now- awareness and Presence 85, ego 15. Not bad, considering where I've come from. Lucky for me I don't have many expectations for Mother's Day. The expectations are a killer. And believe me when I tell you that this little drama increased my awareness and commitment to liberation exponentially, to being the Love I have sought outside. So all together, a good day. Well, gotta go, my daughter just woke up. Onward through the fog!
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