Today is my birthday. I have always attached huge significance to my birthday. Over the years I figured out why. I only experienced myself as loved in my family as a child on my birthday and Christmas. On those days I got it- I was loved. My Mom went all out especially on Christmas with decorations, good food and lots of gifts. Inadvertently she conditioned me to associate presents and love. I operated unconsciously from that conditioning until I realized the connection yet even after realizing it, I still am pushed strongly by that link.
I had a difficult birthday in my early twenties and decided never again. Since then I always arranged something special for myself and bought myself presents I liked. I trained boyfriends to give me gifts. Then my poor husband was brainwashed into giving me lots of gifts. I never really got the cost until recently. My husband felt pressured and lost all sense of freedom and joy. I pressured others inadvertently too. We always had my women's Goddess group at my house at Christmas. I would go all out too. I was shocked when one year one member said she didn't want to do it at my house even though she had no other special plan. That burst my bubble and brought the link to my consciousness. Still it ran me big time.
This year I decided to do it a little different. I decided not to pass out my gift list, to put no expectations on anyone. My friend suggested I do it differently this year too and that clinched it- I knew I had to change or suffer and create suffering. I still bought myself some great gifts and I still will have a nice dinner. But that's it- the pressure is off- almost. I even chose to do something special for someone else for no reason, instead of focusing on myself. It worked! What fun. So we'll see how the the day feels without giving in to that old conditioning and need to control. So far there is more spaciousness, more room to breath. I can realize how much pressure for others I had created. Opps, that damn conditioning!
Ah, more freedom.
I also want to wish another dear former boyfriend who shares the same birthday a fabulous day. I adored this man in college and he helped shape me so I want to honor him. Happy birthday Miles!! Enjoy the day.
So time will tell today how this feels to let go of control. For now, it feels good.
I had a difficult birthday in my early twenties and decided never again. Since then I always arranged something special for myself and bought myself presents I liked. I trained boyfriends to give me gifts. Then my poor husband was brainwashed into giving me lots of gifts. I never really got the cost until recently. My husband felt pressured and lost all sense of freedom and joy. I pressured others inadvertently too. We always had my women's Goddess group at my house at Christmas. I would go all out too. I was shocked when one year one member said she didn't want to do it at my house even though she had no other special plan. That burst my bubble and brought the link to my consciousness. Still it ran me big time.
This year I decided to do it a little different. I decided not to pass out my gift list, to put no expectations on anyone. My friend suggested I do it differently this year too and that clinched it- I knew I had to change or suffer and create suffering. I still bought myself some great gifts and I still will have a nice dinner. But that's it- the pressure is off- almost. I even chose to do something special for someone else for no reason, instead of focusing on myself. It worked! What fun. So we'll see how the the day feels without giving in to that old conditioning and need to control. So far there is more spaciousness, more room to breath. I can realize how much pressure for others I had created. Opps, that damn conditioning!
Ah, more freedom.
I also want to wish another dear former boyfriend who shares the same birthday a fabulous day. I adored this man in college and he helped shape me so I want to honor him. Happy birthday Miles!! Enjoy the day.
So time will tell today how this feels to let go of control. For now, it feels good.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAVANNAH!!!
ReplyDeleteExcellent words of wisdom, KEEP SHINING!! :)
Thank you! I am delighting in getting to know you.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday, Savannah! Hope it's everything you wanted. XO
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday from Nathan, too! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Chris and Nathan- everything is more or less as I want it because I tried as best as I could to keep want and need out of the day and it is going pretty good. Liberation! Yum! The best present ever.
ReplyDelete