Monday, December 31, 2012

across the bridge

What a ride since 12/21/12! Here it is the last day of 2012.  Did you ever think we'd make it? I had my doubts sometimes when this date loomed far in the future. So 12/21 arrived for me with a sputter. I was like, WHAT?!? that's it?!? Yet gradually something began to lift and bloom in me until I was riding in a mild bliss. A large part of the bliss was I was super aware of what was missing, what was different during these holidays: NO DRAMA, NO OVERWHELM!! Just noticing that sent me into a mild ecstasy of gratitude. As I prepared for my trip to San Francisco, I was not plagued with fear about getting stressed out driving in the city, not being able to handle getting ready, not feeling at ease in crowds and so on. Almost my whole life, I have been buried with such concerns. What freedom to just get ready and go. No worries, no future negative fantasies, what a blast of joy, yummy. I was able to leave the silence of my peaceful, sunny deck after days of rain and busyness with only mild regret yet no fear I couldn't handle whatever would arise. Then we were off and the joy increased. I immediately got lost when we arrived yet I felt so calm and capable that I would find my way and I did. I had been afraid to book the journey at all not knowing how I would feel after 12/21. I was a little concerned with the idea of alignment with the Galactic center and  earthquakes so I had to overcome that. Then I had to decide how long to stay and was wavering until the last minute. My intuition told me to stay two nights while my logical mind could find no reason to have that expense, no reason I would enjoy staying past seeing the ballet and our other planned activities. I went with my intuition and am I glad I did. (thanks Uschi.) I loved every minute of it. Our second day was spontaneously unplanned and each moment was delicious. I had wanted to go to Alcatraz as I loved the symbolism of leaving prison at the end of 2012. Turns out you have to book weeks in advance. I easily let that idea go and went with the flow. Ideas shifted moment to moment and we decided so peacefully together. We ended up walking across the Golden Gate Bridge as a sudden impulse. Under the bridge, my daughter spotted a pod of dolphins blessing us with their playful joy, jumping and splashing against the current. The views were awesome and to look up at the height of the bridge's supports created an expansive feeling. Yet I could barely look down and was flooded with compassion for all those who choose to jump (an average of one a week.) There are phones to offer support to anyone considering making such a tragic choice. I was moved to bathe the bridge in an aura of loving presence in support of anyone who might feel so lost and desperate. I felt waves of compassion sweep me to tears. I know that this is the greatest gift we can offer the world, our loving presence. I later realized that crossing the bridge is the more accurate symbol for me at the end of this monumental 2012. For me it is choosing again and again to cross the bridge from fear to love, returning to mySelf.
We continued to have such sweet experiences; getting a window table on the water with no wait, the best food I have eaten in years,  a wonderful walk on the beach, finding the hotel in the dark and so on. It culminated with a giggly time at the make up counter of Saks Fifth Avenue as I treated myself to Minarto's loving ministrations. I haven't worn make up in over a decade yet it was so fun laughing with Minarto and trying on various products. The main joy came from the sense of connection with a previously unknown friend. An envelope of such love seemed to bathe our every step. 
The only challenging moment was driving home when I was so tired I literally got lost for almost an hour and I lost my temper for a few minutes. Otherwise the entire experiences was a miniature Nirvana.
Yesterday was not easy as I came down from the high. As I often do, I thought that level of joy would never end yet quickly recognized how I had set myself up. My day was peaceful enough yet it is clear to me my many years of needing so much silence and solitude are coming to an end. I have gone through these paradigm shifts in my life enough times to recognize the signs. I am between periods in my life as tends to happen to me about every seven years. My old way of being is not fully compete and my new way has not yet fully arrived. I feel in no man's land. The feeling of absolute clarity and knowing is gone. I awoke today feeling very lonely, something I have not experienced in a long time. I felt overwhelmed with it. I recognized I could easily be swept away with a torrent of emotions. I wanted to reach outside myself for answers, even while knowing they will not be found there. I chose not to buy the fear. I am choosing in this moment to allow the pit of fear to be in my gut, to merely witness it without going into any story. I do not need to theorize about what it is or where it came from. I merely need to witness it, knowing this is what this moment's offering is to me. Yes, I mourn the loss of the joy yet must allow this too. I know it shall pass which is good news. Years ago I could have been easily trapped in the prison of such sticky emotions. Now I recognize it as energy in motion. My mentor Luis always says that what we as a civilization lack is emotional education. I share my story with the hopes of beginning to reverse that lack, as a token of our choice to cross the bridge to love, to remember our own unlimited nature.

(mid-afternoon) What a shift! I am sitting outside, freezing my butt off, enjoying communing with Gaia. I feel such peace and connection. I had a good cry with my beloved friend Karin and released my pent up grief and appreciation. I felt such waves of gratitude for all those that have and continue to support me, especially Ciela, Georg, Uschi, Karin, Karl and Irmgard. Amazing how quickly the tide of emotions can reverse.

My darlings, I wish you a wonderful celebration tonight for the feat of getting through 2012! I wish you each every blessing in the coming year. I celebrate our time together and am delighted you have chosen to join our little family of light. I send you such a huge hug and kiss. 

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

the seed is planted in the now


I am slowly getting the feel for these new energies and I am happy to report it is good indeed. Definitely not what I was expecting yet very good. The blog below describes it in detail that I find amazingly accurate. I wake up each morning with clear insight yet for me the water is still choppy. I had a very luscious and peaceful Christmas. It was filled with love and support and zero drama!!!!! I was able to heal a charge I have had all my life, associating present with love. This had caused me so much pain and made me a dictator ordering others to get me gifts to prove their love. I decided to end it at my birthday in May and it worked. After years of focus and intention, that charge is gone!!! See me dancing across the room with glee. 

Yet when evening came I was in tears of sadness and nostalgia. I cried when my daughter left to go to her dad's. I cried when I opened my last gift which was so heartfelt and ideal for me. I cried at my mother in laws request I sing auld lang syne with her. I didn't know exactly what the tears were about, I just knew they were perfect and allowed them to bless me with their healing energy. whatever is happening now, I notice I need to take it s l o w so that I can stay present to what is in the moment, rather than spin out into the future where I use to experience being overstimulated.

I want to share three example of how I have experienced the healing energies carried in on 12/21/12. My experience is that the new reality allows us to be at choice, to choose love and peace in a way not previously available. The first occurred when I could not find my gift to take to the white elephant gift exchange Christmas eve. I got a little crazy and began to spin when I could not locate it. I kept looking in that spin energy until I recognized how I was creating overwehlm. I went outside and sat in silence and immediately centered and felt calm. I stayed 10 minutes to be sure and then I knew I would find the gift immediately. I had not clue where to look yet had the strong intuition to fix a small broken piece of wood that is part of my spirit house. AS I reached for the glue in the cupboard, I saw the gift and smiled. I said thank you out loud as I knew my guides where giving me a clear demonstration of the new energy. When I looked with the frantic energy, I was assured of never finding, As soon as I centered, it was a slam dunk.

The next example was when I started to the party feeling overwhelmed. I was missing a key ingredient of my recipe for the potluck and that started me spinning into overwhelm again. I had to pick my daughter up soon so I had no time to recenter. As I drove I set my intent to calm down and enjoy the party. I knew I needed somewhere to chill before going to the party. I got to town and a coffee shop was open late!!! We went in and sat for a half an hour until I had re-centered and then went to the party which I enjoyed thoroughly. To shift out of such overstimulation and stay out of it in a group of people was something beyond me even a few weeks ago. Another mini miracle courtesy of 12/21. 

The  final example was at Christmas dinner. I gave my daughter a few warnings dinner was almost ready. I called her for dinner and she did not show up until we had finished eating. I started to make up a story about why she did not come and it was not a happy story. It turns out she had forgotten our Christmas cards and was down in her room writing and decorating them so we could enjoy them with our meal. Her gesture was so loving so lucky I stayed out of story and in the now, waiting to see what was. So the stackers 
missed their last shot at stirring up Christmas drama. 

I hope this gives the flavor of the choice point that now exists for us if we stay alert and aware. The choice for love has never been clearer. My friend Uschi gave me a little story about seeds and fruits that helped clarity it too. What I am realizing is I wanted 12/21 to deliver the whole d*mn tree of awakening and love. Instead we were given the seed which we must continue to plant and nurture. Yes, I know the process is longer than any of us imagined. Yet I can feel the fruits are going to also be beyond anything I previously imagined. So let's enjoy the ride!!!

I am passing on this post from my friend Carmen in it's entirety so it can be translated as it is so tender and from my perspective, totally accurate. She said it is from her Oracle sister, Jennifer Posada....

At the Threshold of a New World

by Jennifer on December 23, 2012

We’ve never been here before. This exact, fresh moment in time. But we’ve been somewhere very similar. It was a really, really long time ago. We were on our way, our whole world, into a huge dark cloud. We were on our way into what I call in my book, The Oracle Within, “The Great Forgetting.” Back then the forgetting had already been underway, but at the moment like this one we hit a massive wave of it. Just like this time, only now we are headed the other way…into what I call “The Great Remembering.”

I know on the Solstice, the date of the great Mayan shift, some of you were disappointed. Some of you didn’t feel any great new energy descend into your lives or the world. Some of you were just plain tired that day (I heard that from a lot of people) or found it anti-climactic. I am writing this post today because I have some information that I think will really help as we go through this change. After all, I remember the last one, and all the incredible points of shift in between. I’ve seen cities fall…worlds disappear. The crucial point I need to make about this time is that all of those things are indeed happening again this time…they are just happening within.

The cities that are falling are the ones you built up around your heart to survive the forgetting. Even though, for the most part, these crumblings will occur within, it doesn’t mean they don’t sometimes come along with the same potential feelings of trauma and grief. And it certainly doesn’t mean that we don’t need the same level of support and self-care. We need it now more than ever. We are about to bloom like wildfire-roses…we are about to shock the world with our color and our fury…we are about to break open like a million oceans and find out how to finally speak of what’s beneath. But we are being born into new space so profoundly it’s as if we have to find a new way to breathe…a new way to be, while all around us things look the same. It’s just that day by day, we’ll notice that it may look the same but it doesn’t feel the same anymore. This was never going to be an overnight change, but if you get to where the air is clear, you will catch it like a fragrance. Like the smell of the first flowers in the springtime, you will suddenly find yourself stunned by it one day when you were just walking through the cold winter air to your car. And you will know it then. You will know the change is really underway. It’s one of those things you can only feel now if you venture out on a really quiet night…out in the silent darkness, and get down on the ground and put your ear to the tracks. Far away you will feel the softest rumble…like the roar of a distant ocean…the train is coming….

And don’t worry. You can’t miss it. In fact, you’re here now…that means you already didn’t.

After all we all made this great big date together a long time ago. All we had to do was show up…and we already did.

So, while we wait for the rest of the shift to take place naturally, and take absolutely intensive-level good care of ourselves, acting with great love and gentleness toward ourselves as we go through the inner shifts, there are a few things that may help us along. As I felt this portal we’ve just passed through it reminded me so much of that ancient time when we passed through it the other way as I mentioned before, into The Great Forgetting. It was like one was almost a mirror image of the other. That’s because each way it was the same kind of shift, just in another direction. (It will take a long time for us to completely understand why the forgetting needed to happen, and for it to more completely end.) It is like passing through the other side of an eclipse, or coming back through the looking glass. These intense shift points have signatures, and these two points just happen to be sisters…twins. That means a lot of the things that happened then are likely to be mimicked now…we will relive them in order to resolve them, like we do with all unresolved past life material. We just happen to be doing it with that very specific shift material right now.

Let me give you some examples. Back then, the temples fell. They fell inside first. Inside each person and inside the infrastructure of the people involved…the sisterhood and brotherhood. As people forgot, they began to turn to false power to fill the void left where they once knew they were love. It was the great heartache of the worlds when people forgot they were love. So you may find that certain relationships are shifting now, that you are having new insights into them, or finding out where there are people in your life that are not who they seemed to be, or who are gracefully or not so gracefully bowing out of the picture. Old group structures, teachers, sisterhood/brotherhoods, may fall away and though you may find yourself flailing around about it for a while, whatever you are truly led to shed now will open up new energy and leave new room for more of your authentic self to flourish and be freed up.

Also, like before, it is good to be aware that this is a time when the veils are thin, and when psychic permeability is at a peak. That means it is easier than ever to go someplace or have an interaction and pick up on the energies around you without realizing that it isn’t your own. The simplest cure for this is time on your own doing something you love. It will clear up for you what is your own energy and what isn’t. You need time to reflect, and time to nurture yourself. This psychic permeability can also make us feel sort of “haunted” by old ghosts. They are simply “guardians at the gate”…they are there because you are stepping into more of your power and those energies are coming up to be cleared. When they come up we are being challenged to look them in the eye, tell them there is no place for them in our energy field anymore, and walk on across our new threshold of risk and true empowerment beyond them. We always encounter these guardians at the gate when we are about to take a bold step into more of who we really are. They come up so we can say goodbye and truly take our place at the banquet table of our lives for the abundant feast we have newly realized is available to us. It is time to say yes to ourselves, yes to who we are, and everything else be damned. We have tried it every other way…trying to please or suppress others, trying to get answers and approval outside, and it has only led us to destruction and a world mostly full of lost souls. The only real answers are within. The only way we can ever really offer others our gifts is to give them to ourselves first. We need radical change now, not just empty words to sustain false securities. It’s a new world and it will be built on our true, raw desires and our willingness to take a chance on them. Oh yeah…I said it. I think I’m even gonna say it again…just in case you didn’t really hear it…

It’s a new world and it will be built on our true, raw desires and our willingness to take a chance on them.

Yeah…I know you are probably tired, and maybe scared, and you’ve already been taken apart and put back together so many times that you no longer have an envelope left to push. You may not know what to believe anymore. That’s fine. Perfect even. You can start with just the moment..each moment that comes, and find out what you believe, from the new, fresh place of giving up…of the bottom, of the bare floor. It’s a start. That’s all we need.

Forget everything you know about what’s coming. Forget everything you’ve heard about what the changes are or mean, or what the world will become or won’t. Forget what you think you know about your future (unless you’ve already fallen in love with it…) You can even forget this after you read it. Forget all that and just feel whatever is under your fingertips. Feel the air move in and out of your lungs. Ask your heart what it beats for. You will likely have forgotten why you weren’t going to do the things you really wanted to…”Why was I holding back again?”, you’ll ask yourself, “What was it that I had to lose?” Like poet Mary Oliver suggests, just consider letting “the warm animal of your body love what it loves.” And like Anais Nin you will soon realize that for you too “the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud, was greater than the risk it took to bloom.”

And then you might even find yourself getting up off the couch in the nightie-top under overalls you wore all day and busting a little groove to the Justin Timberlake you are listening to while you write a modern-day Oracle prophecy about the coming of the new world…oh wait…that’s me. I can highly recommend it, though. (Whatever the equivalent is for you of busting a move in your pjs while rocking the world with your real stuff.) And really, you know, what goes around does come around (referencing the Justin Timberlake song I am listening to)…and I’ve waited a very, very long time for this coming around. Finally, so long after our wings were clipped, we are going to be free again. I saw back then that this time would come, but there were times I had waited so long that I almost thought it never would. It was, more than I can ever say, worth the wait.

So things are going to look the same for the most part. But don’t be fooled. There is something different in the air, and day by day you may ever-so-subtly be able to feel it more. There will be more and more support for the breaking-wide-open of old paradigms and the welcoming in of new love-based shifts and ways of living and being. Day by day, though there will still be the harder times where we are going through specific growth periods, we will start to feel less and less like we are swimming against the tide, and more and more like we are being carried. And when we don’t have to spend so much energy treading water, we are going to realize that we can start to really live again. Because really living is your best fantasy times a billion. Really living is something we’ve forgotten how to do…like really feeling…like a lost language. We knew it when the world began, and in this life when we were first born. And once we are more and more surrounded by it, we will remember how to speak it again.

It’s the language of the heart, yes. It is also the same language of the body. That’s the most important thing we have forgotten (since it was actually systematically wiped out so those with the biggest love-voids could temporarily overpower everyone else)…that the voice of the heart and the body are one. That spiritual and physical are one. That holy and sexual are one. That the senses are the gateway to all knowing, just as much as anything like a chakra or third eye or vision is, and even more so. When we have the true vision of the body again, there will be nothing that we can’t do. Hello Sexy, and welcome back.

(Okay I just can’t help it…I’m not even listening to that particular song but it looks like it’s not just Justin Timberlake bringing sexy back!) So, what do you think Gorgeous…wanna help me bring sexy back?

Because we once all knew just how much the sexual was sacred. It was the cornerstone of our reverence and our celebration. It was the glue of all life and connectedness. It was the symbol and the embodiment of pure love. We weren’t confused about it at all. We knew right where home was, whether shared with others or just on our own. Whether we used our hands or felt it all while walking in the woods. It was just right there.

It’s time for the body to feel like home again. It is where everything will finally come together and all that didn’t match up will finally align. The disjointed places in life will suddenly run smooth and those answers you’ve always looked for will just flow in like water. It’s where the missing joy emerges. And then, even in the hard times, it carries you like a sail through strange waters, and holds space with you like a candle in the heavy darkness. You…bright flame…I am talking to you. You who might have given up on things ever really being like you dreamed they would or could. You who almost gave up reinventing yourself, or trying to read the cloudy compass of your desires. You who is going to remember the way by starlight.

I wouldn’t try to do anything right now. See if you can just give yourself the space to breathe and be. To sit, or move, but not have the perfect plan. Just an open hand, or two, and your gaze on the stars.

I love you.

Love, Jennifer

her post on December 9th is also priceless:

I am continuing to read her posts and found this one about 2012 also very valuable. It has two parts. I highly recommend these posts:

The second part has five specific tools to support this level of transforamtion.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Joyful Christmas


May this day bring you so many expressions of love and fill you with joy. May you know your innate worthiness. May you realize what a masterpiece you are! May you recognize your own courage this historic year of 2012 as you have freed yourself from the dross of egoo, liberating frightened parts of your personality. May you experience unity and intimacy. Most of all, may you know absolutely that you are lovable, loving and loved! Dearest blog family, I send you all my tenderest and heartfelt love!

Monday, December 24, 2012

rage, hatred, trust and a global hug

On December 21st and again yesterday I experienced hatred and rage. Both times were only for a few minutes yet they were quite a shock. Whoa, so not what I thought 12/21 would bring. It has taken me awhile to sort through what is happening and to move back into trust. Here’s what I realized. We have been infused with buckets full of light. Light energy always pushes up what does not alining with it’s pure frequencies. Absolutely unbeknownst to me, I still carried rage and hatred. This has been an unpleasant shocker. Yet these energies are purging me of anything that is not love, just as I have intended and yearned. I have not yet uncovered the source of this rage yet I know it is some mistaken perception/ belief fuels that feeling of hatred. The scariest part is I felt no regret. I felt justified in my anger. I did not act it out, I did not express it externally. Yet internally I felt so right, so appropriate in my inner reaction. Scary. Yet I found my friend had the same experience and so this must be the energies du jour. O.K. I have decided to trust and call it good and very good. I realize I must have a deeply ingrained false belief that is able to allow me to be so angry without feeling regret. I am thrilled that I did not feel compelled to act it out in any way. I am curious what healing process is unfolding. I must admit I was relieved when it passed and I was able to reconnect to my commitment to love and unity. I am still dumfound that clearly my intent is not yet totally pure. Some part of me is hanging on for dear life to being separate, to being right. The witness in me was very alive in both instances, watching without judging. I allow this too. I am clueless what to do with it.Thank God I no longer have the idiotic idea that I can control my own healing process. I leave that to better forces that can see more clearly. I am very curious to see how this unfolds. Those feelings are far away now, again receded to distant shores. I hope that was the last wave of them yet time will reveal if they are done. I have received so many loving message and calls today yet feel strangely indifferent. It makes no sense to me yet I must allow this too.In the meantime I say yes, knowing I can surrender to the forces directing my healing, you healing, our healing. These are the same energies that direct the entire Universe so I guess I can trust they can handle my remembering.Somehow it must be necessary for these remnants of duality to surface for healing.

In this moment the sun is beaming. I feel calm and peaceful. I sit on my deck in my pajamas and robe in silence, grateful for time to recenter and recommit to my remembrance of love. Despite what showed up in the last days, this is my deepest yearning. I send you all so many blessings and oodles of love for this holiday season and always. A huge global hug!!!!!

Sunday, December 23, 2012

more ascension musings and mini miracles

O.K. now that I think about it I think the word itself is off track. I don't know about you but for me the word "ascension" makes me think of lift off, going somewhere, rising. I deeply appreciate how much great information I have received since I first learned about and began following ascension post. Yet I now think I also led myself astray. For me the better word is awakening, as from a dream. That fits for me.
There was one set of post I occasionally followed as I received some good information yet I often found it too far out. They are the ones who, from my point of view, are hung up on what they call disclosure. Disclosure is the idea that we are visited by beings from other galaxies and the government knows and isn't telling us. So they are waiting for the secret to be revealed. Could be. Who knows? I wouldn't be surprised. Yet they were hanging their hats on this and keep bumming when it doesn't happen. Now for me that is a bit silly yet I realize I was doing something a bit similar waiting for something outside of me to wake me up. Yes, I know definitely that unseen guides are nudging me, prodding me, tickling me. Yet on 12/21 I semi unconsciously expected a few trumpet blares and a harp or two to push me more or less awake. My mistaken belief was that I was asleep and needed something beyond me to wake me up. Asleep yes, needing help yes, anyone can finally do it for me, no.
The fact is I need only one thing here, to remember. What does that mean? It is a question of believing a false identity, that I am limited, that I an be separate from love, that I am alone. All not true yet I buy it again and again albeit in ever more subtle ways. I have healed most of the blaring instances of separation yet still believe more subtle version of the basic lie. So it is is a question of a shift of perception, of awareness, of knowing. It isn't a location to get to, it is an inner truth that has not yet been fully realized. The glimpses are so tantalizing I know I must proceed.
I believe a rebirth has ocured. Yet, as others are writing, I sense we are in a void space, not here nor there. I remember right after my daughter was born. I loved her beyond anything I had ever known yet I was adjusting to major changes in my lifestyle and there were moments of exhaustion where I knew despair and doubt. Although I had not given physical birth, the adjustment period was choppy initially. My sense is that is what is occurring here. We don't have a physical baby to coo over so it is even more subtle and requires much greater faith to believe anything significant has transpired. I remember thinking 11/11/11 was a bust until I witnessed the faint changes blossoming into huge shifts. It took me awhile to recognize.
Seeing some people disappointment about not lifting somewhere new or having alien spacecraft revealed helped me wake up to my equally off base assumptions. Perhaps it is no coincidence that I have been sleeping very soundly and long most nights. The wake up is more gradual than I would have preferred so maybe I'll just go take a nap. O:-):-P:-*

BINGO: synchronicity alert

I just finished writing the above and went to check email and found this blog from, Jayem, scribe for the Way of Mastery.   (have to click two links to reach it)
He quotes chapter 5 of the Way of the Heart section of the book, the very same section I opened to this morning with my questions about what ascension is and is not. I felt a lifting as I had read how desire, intention, surrender and allowing are the keys to the kingdom and bring us home. I felt clarity begin to emerge. Then to see Jayem's post an hour or so later on the same material was a huge ahha moment, as Oprah would say. I felt a literally recognition of BINGO!! I am right on target. A wave of some dross lifted off of me. Ah, yes, unseen guides always clearing the way for us. I feel called to share some other mini miracles that show me how easy the path is when we truly surender and get out of the way.

- My coach tells me to eat red meat occasionally and a day later I receive a large package of frozen meat for the previous owner of this house. I call the company to return it and they tell me to keep it as they can not take perishables back!
- I am flipping myself out trying to resolve a major challenge with my car that was very damaged in a storm. I surrender the drama and an hour later two people hand me a solution.
- I am trying to make a decision to spend money for something very symbolic and meaningful to me but pricey and feels a bit out of reach and I find a forgotten check on my bedside table. I share with  a friend how spending that amount of money would be such a leap of faith and I then read a blog with the words leap of faith in them. I literally never remember reading those words in print before.
- Several plans go kafluey and I start to get bent out of shape but finally surrender. They later turn out much better than I had initially planned.
- I think to myself I'd like another joy mug and the next day at water aerobics my teacher decides to have us race across the pool and give a prize to the winner, me, a mug with joy written on it.
You get the picture. Surrender use to be a dirty word for me. Now it is the answer to my prayers.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

did we miss the boat? what is ascension?

A quick note:

I am reading how many are experiencing disappointment. When I read certain blogs it seems almost tragically funny to see what some people expected from this ascension expectation of 12/21. Yes, I too got caught in expectations and thus disappointments when I know intellectually there is no where to go and nothing to do simply something to remember. When I REMEMBER it is all so clear and I have no questions, concerns, doubt. The whole deal is just to remember Who we are, our I AM presences. Yes, I forget over and over, yes, I thought I was going to get some rocket divinely inspired jet fuel in the memory department yesterday and so yes, I did have to allow my mild disappointment. But to think it is a hoax, to make demand from someone or something outside of ourselves, outside of our own identities, well I must go on record as saying that feels way off track to me. It is clear things are shifting, that the Light is growing, that the energy is on the move. I have no complaints or doubt. The game plan was a bit different than I thought yet makes better sense. I know we are all already getting tons of support and things are moving at hyper sonic speed while appearing sometimes to crawl.
I had a very ordinary day today with little burst of connection and giggles, laughter and fun. I wouldn't call it ascension but I would call it good and very, very good. So I will continue to trust the powers that be to guide me to my own awakening, us to our own awakenings all in good time, my dears.

Positive outlook on what has occurred.

disappointment and successful stack attack

Oracle report called today an energetic hangover and boy have I felt it. I had trouble sleeping last night and actually end up taking some herbs. When I woke up first I had two major insight about why I was feeling such disappointment with 12/21. No, I did not expect to wake up in heaven yet several things I had read had given me the idea I would wake up with significantly more ease and perhaps beyond duality? I had read that if one devoted themselves to the task of helping others awaken, one would be given a Divine dispensation of some sort. That was my only real expectation and yup, I am disappointed. Far from it, on the evening of 12/21 I had a sneak stack attack and fell for it with the ole hook, line and sinker. I experienced rage and even a smidgeon of hated. Whoa, the last thing I expected to feel on the sacred 12/21. What took me aback was that witness mode was very active, I remembered to see the other person as acting from frightened parts of their personality and yet I saw I was not willing to get off it. I felt very justified in my rage and even hatred. Rather humbling for guru girl, a name someone gave me that I love as it so accurately captures my shadow.
Very humbling to say the least. Far from beyond duality, I was stuck right in the middle of it and not even repentant!! What an eye opener. I read some blogs latter where many were disappointed, especially those who saw ascension as going to a physically new place in an embodied way. Now that was never my expectation in the slightest so no worries there. Yet I did expect more than I realized to be lifted internally beyond all this sh*t. I realized in the night that I was attempting to stuff my disappointment. Ironically that is what I sense cause the domestic explosion in the one who targeted me with their seething criticism that sent me spinning. Someone recently looked at a post I did a few months ago about disappointment and I reread it. Here we go again. Same old, same old. Yup, what's a girl to do? AGAIN?*&^^%$#@@$%&(expletive, expletive) Allow it. I dove into it again. Then I reached for my Way of Mastery and what did I find? The miracle I was waiting for was a chimera. At the same time, the miracle is at hand. It is only a perception away. Then I felt justified in my rage, I was denying my limitless nature that can never be harmed. I was buying that another's behavior could wound me. Is that true? On the surface absolutely. Someone says something hurtful and I am hurt. Yet it is my direct experience that often people say incredibly hurtful things and it has zero impact on me. So what was different here? I bought the package! I bought the words. I did not see! I gave my own freedom away. So I can feel like a victim and project blame or I can see what frightened parts of my personality are telling me and heal that misperception. Yea, I am bummed that thus far I have not gotten my Divine dispensation and that I got caught by another stack attack. Yet when I look closely I know that stack attack is just a name that sounds funny yet is a little dangerous. The word attack is how I actually  felt, attacked. In fact, the stackers are allies working hard to point out where I have bought the lie of myself as limited. They are very clever friends doing a rather thankless job. So I better come up with a new name maybe, stack got my back? Stack to unrack? Stack to show the lack? I think that works better. The stackers show me where I believe in lack. Yes, I have an energetic hangover, yes I am disappointed. Yes, I got caught in ego several times today. Yes, guru girl doesn't like it. So back to the drawing board, digging deeper until i REALLY get Who I am, the Truth no one can diminish or touch. Until then I guess the stackers have their work cut out, showing me where I still get lost in lack. oh well. :-(:-\:-PO:-)

Friday, December 21, 2012

love or fear? the new epoch


I just finished my 10 a.m, mediation and some things came through to share. The mediation was beautiful and I felt an intense sense of forgiveness and healing regarding my father Joseph Hanson. His rage was the source of my anxiety and overwhelm yet in the meditation I only saw the soul agreement. I saw how he played a very difficult role to help me wake up. I had tears of release and gratitude. I called in all those that have or had a big role in my life. I blessed my mother Ann and gave thanks to all my loved ones, friends, teachers and mentors.

I got a clear message: love or fear. These times will test us to see what we are committed to. The interesting thing about this new epoch is the speed with which the fruits of our actions will blossom. Choose fear, anger, separation and it will be  uncomfortable. Choose love and it will be a homecoming feeling that resonates deliciously. When we choose love all that is not love will come forward for healing. DON'T BE AFRAID! Trust this is perfect. If you choose love, do one thing today. COMMIT!!!

When you commit the Universe will swoop in with all the resources necessary for you to realize your choice. You don't need to know how. Trust. Simply choose and commit. I guarantee if you do so, the Universe will take care of the details, Unseen guides will delightedly provide so much support and gently lay the path before you. My darlings, merely choose and watch the miracles slowly begin to unfold. Yes, it is not for the faint of heart yet this is no longer an elective course, it is a required course. The time of unity and love is now here and demands we align with the energies of love if we wish to live in peace and harmony. Remember, the choice is yours.

12/21/12 beyond duality


We have arrived! The new epoch of peace, love and unity has begun and we are alive to see the dawning of a this new era!!! I awoke to the miraculous sunrise displayed like A French impressionist painting with the most surreal golden light; and this on an otherwise rainy day! 
Luckily I had dumped my expectations some time ago. Otherwise I may have been disappointed not to wake up in Heaven hearing harp music! I needed that vision of this date to carry me through the dark years, to pull me ever forward. I had to believe I would wake up this day with all my problems resolved and life handed to me on a golden platter. I know some people were still holding that vision even yesterday and maybe they did wake up in heaven. I had a new image of this day that seems to be accurate for me. It is a day where duality is no longer necessary yet will play out to ever greater extremes until it dies away. The headline that popped up as I opened my computer Merlin said the NRA has called for armed police in every school. Yea, there is the answer. I had my hopes up that they would see the opportunity to end violence rather than perpetuate it but oh well. At the same time I just read this headline that lift my heart: 

‘Layaway angels’ pay strangers’ balances

At Kmart alone, anonymous donors have paid off over $100K 
in balances this holiday season.

My deep sense is that these times will indeed see duality become ever more glaringly obvious. Yet I am not disappointed in the least. (o.k., a little bit. I still like my fantasy of rainbows, unicorns and harps everywhere and brother embracing brother.) I am not disappointed because I see I am now in a place where I can end duality within myself and choose only love. I know this same choice is available to everyone. I know that in time everyone will see that choice and that I am meant to be one who supports others in seeing that choice. I am not there now yet closer than ever. Yesterday gave me two blatant examples of that choice. First thing in the morning I bought the separation game when an old trigger played out and I got my own resentment flung right back in my face. Having that example fresh I was able to avoid stepping in the poo when another old trigger raised up with even more charge. I felt irritation arise and a deep sense of unfairness yet this time I tamed it by breathing deeply and asking to see the situation differently, to be able to see peace instead. I dialed it down and was rewarded with the peace I sought. The choice is now available to me and ever more obvious. My great knowing is that in time everyone will see the choice between love and fear and choose love.
My life has changed dramatically since last Friday when with my healer's help, I freed my body of much of the tendrils of overwhelm locked in my cellular memory. I see clearly how this theme dominated my life. The sense of anxiety and overwhelm had been so profound for so much of my life that to be in my body was so damn uncomfortable I did anything avoid it. Part of that was armoring myself with fat. It was another key aspect of my personal core false self image. I saw myself as a person with a sensitive nervous system (true and wonderful) yet doomed to a life of needing to control my environment to reduce overwhelm (totally false and a personal lie I had to release to be free.) I learned to enter extraordinary peace through meditation and stillness, basically through exiting my body. Exercise has been very difficult for me to motivate myself to do as it pulled me back into that maelstrom of physical unease that was such a constant companion. Over the years I had healed myself of the anxiety yet the nagging overwhelm still trapped me in a very unpleasant physical experience in my body. If I wasn't overwhelmed in the moment, I was trying to plan and strategize how to avoid it in the future. It was only some weeks ago that I really understood that I was not a victim of this and I could literally dump the whole thing. Prior to that I considered it unavoidable and my unfortunate fate. It took many years to unravel the way my false understanding was victimizing and limiting me. I needed to understand that it was illusion based on nothing real, that my nervous stem could respond totally differently to the same stimuli that previously would have flipped me out, that I could be totally neutral in my body no matter what was happening in my environment, that my nervous system could be at peace in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES!!  WHAT A MIND BLOWER!! To be free of that constant scanning and need for control is bliss and worth the price of admission. I did not need anything further from this auspicious 12/21. 
So waking up feeling nothing special was not discouraging. Over the last few nights I would wake up extremely hot, maybe it was karma burning? Otherwise I have not noticed anything too much out of the ordinary. I trust in time the love, peace and budding joy will continue to flourish albeit without fireworks. The sense of intimacy, connection, love is so delicious that every taste fortifies my commitment to see this to the end where I return home to my own essence as love on a permanent basis. Until then, I plan to enjoy the ride. I hope you will too!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

How is your life better than it was? What egooo have you released?

Got a major incoming message I am being told to get out. Take time today or tomorrow to look at what shifts have occurrred in your inner world. How have you changed internally? What charges have you released? I am getting it is very important to take note of any shifts in your internal landscape. I only have a little time now but I will take my own medicine and begin to report what I have witnessed. I will probably update this more later. So here is what I know has changed for me:

- having almost no judgment or blame
- so much more inner space and harmony
- much more alive relationships
- incredible connection, intimacy and cooperation with my daughter
- ability to see what is going on for others almost without effort
- great relationship with wasband
- having so much more compassion when others are caught in frightened parts of their personality
- 90% of what use to flip me out now doesn't impact me one iota
- an almost continuous peace and spaciousness that is familiar yet new
- strong self love
- no need for another to love me
- no charge on gifts/presents!!! this is huge after 20 years of effort to release this I did it!!!!!! I'm o.k. not getting presents (so now of course I get more than ever.)
- not seeking love outside myself
- strong appreciation of my own worth
- completely changed eating habits
- healthier than ever
- balancing my masculine and feminine side
- able to handle things going wrong with house/car and trusting I can do it
- strong boundaries
- more order
- able to speak my truth with no hesitation
- able to speak up to dominating men
- rarely anxious
- so much more compassion
- wonderful interactions with strangers
- amazing conversations with lots of people
- willing to exercise
- no longer feel the need for a teacher
- look within for answers
Holy smokes I can't belief this list, what a good idea to write it down and see how much has changed!
- feeling occasionally limitless
- sensing my true power
- catching duality quicker
- passing through stack attacks without a reaction
- little hammers my nervous system
- able to be in crowds
- able to listen to music again
- able to get more done than I ever have in my life
- more direct
- more centered

O.K. my loves, all for now. P.S. I can still be thoughtless or inconsiderate but less and less!!!

today's oracle report also has a sweet, right on message!:       Thursday Dec. 20th

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

12/21/12 some musing and a game plan

I don’t know exactly what to say about 12/21/12. I only know that it is good and very, very good. I know that we are entering a world that will be grounded in love, peace, joy, connection, fairness and harmony.  I know that the reign of hatred, separation, fear,  greed, destruction and corruption is completing itself after such a long time of terror and the misuse of power. I know that we can all access the energies of home within ourselves. I know that it takes courage to dive in to our physical experience when the demons of illusion arise. I know it is necessary to do so. I have to stay away from all the hype, all the predictions, all the fear. 

The other day my energy was truly extraordinary. If you have seen the movie Limitless you will have some sense of how I felt. Do you remember how quick his mind and how infinite his clarity was? I did feel limitless and oh so powerful. Lately I have the vision of myself as a might oak tree under which many can shelter for nourishment and encouragement.

This last week has just been mildly choppy with silly little issues pulling me off balance. Usually I can regain my center rather quickly. I don’t feel fabulous yet I sometimes feel a gentle joy and I always feel a deep sense of connection to MYSELF. I have stopped reading anything that tells me how it will be on that auspicious day. I imagine some will feel stress, some will feel a gentle joy, some bliss, some upset, some nothing. It doesn’t really matter. Know that whatever you feel or don’t feel is perfect. You are right where you are meant to be. All is well. Trust the process as best you can. Remember to clean, clean, clean. Whatever happens, it is a very significant shift, an ending and a beginning. One door is closing as we open to a new dimension, a new reality. That reality will not be filled with either angles or devils. We will not be purely in heaven with harps because of this new age. There will be many wonderful experiences and states of being. That does not mean the challenges are over. Far from it. It means a new space within us is now available for some of us to be at choice, not to react rather to allow without friction whatever arises. Now that is something worth aiming for.
Below is a post I found useful with some specific ideas on how to maximize the energies of the shift on 12/21/12. I included them for those of you that feel better with a game plan. Below that post is some instructions for a ritual I did last week and will do again on the 21st. I include information for a local fire circle, given by Max, that you can replicate in your own way. See if any of this resonates for you.

I now know we are moving into our essences of Love. If that truth is the furthest thing from your being, feel free to bother my faith. I KNOW!!!!

lovely radio show with Jim Self and Lee Harris outlining the new age:

and blog about ways to maximize the energy of the day:

On the day in question, yes, and I do refer to the 21st for you and for your family, I wish you to relax, and I wish you to be as much as possible in a state of meditation, not deep meditation, but a state of alignment, where you are aware of what is transpiring around you, but that you are also aware of what is transpiring within your field, within your being, meaning your body, and within your heart.
So what I am suggesting to thee is that it is not a day for a great deal of external distraction. To be in sacred space, either by yourself or with your beloved, or with a circle, a small circle, of your beloved friends, but it is need to be in a situation where you are able to sit down, lie down, do what you need to do. We would ask you to pay attention. If you are going to do the specific deeper meditations, this is what I am asking.
From 10:01 to 11:11, in the morning, your time, lie or sit in meditation position so your chakras are all opened and aligned. Feel and see, visualize — it does not matter; it will come — that the beam of white light directly from the heart of the Mother/Father/One is coming down right through the central sun, down through your crown, right through your body, exploding in your heart and opening your true heart awareness.
And when that is happening, you wish to keep it open. Now, in the days that you are preparing for this, you are also allowing your grid to become lighter, more ignited, more connected, more united with everything, which is instructions I have given you in other conversations. But for you, for your personal practice, because you are ready to receive this in a very conscious kind of way, that is my instruction.
Eat very light that day. I do not mean don’t eat, but simply eat in ways that are not challenging to your physical body, to your digestion. Green is always the color of choice, because it is of the love.
But I have a second request of you.
SB: That’s fine.
AAM: It is to bathe yourself in blue, and it is starting today, and it is through the end of the year. Simply feel that you are bathed, the air around you, your clothing — which is not a problem — but even the water, when you take a bath, that you are literally being bathed and caressed in my blue.
This is also the energy not only of communication but of calm and of change. So you are bringing that energy through on our platform, in your personal relationships, in your partnership. So stay in the blue.
Now, you may feel the 20th, the 21st, the 22nd, you may feel some sense — well, you will feel, and we have not talked a great deal about this in the public forums, but perhaps we should — you will feel a sense of disconnection and disassociation. Not severe, not “Where am I? Who am I? What am I doing?” but certainly a sense of disassociation, almost as if you have taken either some plant or chemical hallucinogen, not that severe, but a sense of, “Oh, I am seeing things very differently. I am in a different process.”
Even your movements, you may feel like you’re moving through air as if you are moving through water. Do not worry about it. It is the adjustments and attunements, as you are firmly anchoring in a different dimension.
Now, I have asked you to stay and turn out the lights, as it were, but I am not asking you to stay and be part of the holographic Earth, for you are needed elsewhere, dear heart! We have much to do!
So stay connected through the beginning of the 21st. See who is collecting around you. Bring them with you, cherish them, and then turn out the light.
SB: Collect them around me physically, Lord, or…
AAM: No….
SB: … in spirit?
AAM: … ethereally, visually.

and a further idea which was part of the ritual I did last week; I highly recommend speaking or writing down how you would like to feel in the new age, what you would like your life to look like. fill it with detail and evoke as much emotion as possible as that will act like a magnet. do this after the release process I used and will use again on the 21st. My friend Max wrote this about the fire circle she will host that night, the same process I used. If gives an excellent sense of how to release what is no longer beneficial through the fire elemental:

The Mayan Calendar & December 21st 2012:
Last Saturday night, the Sacred Fire Community hamlet in Tepoztlan, Mexico had the privilege of receiving an audience with Grandfather Fire. During the audience, Grandfather spoke about the significance of December 21st and 22nd, which are indicated on the Mayan calendar as the end of the 5th sun and birth of the 6th sun.

Grandfather's counsel was to come together as a community, to close the 5,000 year cycle that ends on the solstice with a special fire with particular ceremonies detailed below. This fire will go all night long though you are of course free to come or go at any time, and people are encouraged to receive together the new sun at dawn on the 22nd. He mentioned that to end well produces a good beginning, and that we needed to focus on finishing the cycle well. That the best thing for this very special occasion is to come together as a community around a sacred fire, so we can first let go of what we each want to release through the transformational capacity of the fire, and then celebrate the new.

He then recommended that people gather again on the night of the 22nd around the fire to celebrate with warmth and joy the arrival of the 6th sun and a new era...
The focus of this fire will be contemplating what we want to give up from the old cycle. We'll write down on paper what we want to release, to flush away, from this cycle. This can be personal problems or conflicts, but it could also be things of the world during this epoch, such as war and acts of violence and destruction that have been present for many years... You can also throw into the fire substances that have caused addiction. 

Monday, December 17, 2012

Failed stack attack and being free of anticipatory overwhelm

I have been more busy in the last weeks then ever before so have had little chance to check in. A few days ago the stackers (universal forces designed to help us wake up from illusion, from the dream of separation) were working overtime on my case. They threw one challenge after another with a few upsets to top it off and I didn’t fall for it!!!!!!  Can you imagine the sense of liberation? As I was picking up my daughter from school, I shook my fist at the sky and yelled, “Nice try but forget it! I ain’t falling for your tricks today.” OMG did that feel good. I laughed uproariously. I felt like I had just graduated with a Ph.D. from the school of separation into the knowledge of unity.

The next day I was caught in spin mind again. I was racing like I was Parnelli Jones ( a famous race car driver).  I was officially flipped out. I had to sit in silence and attempt to pull my scattered pieces into some type of functional whole. It wasn’t pretty. Yet later in the day I was blessed with a session with my healer Doug Mitchell (fabulous healer if you are in the area.) He pulled some crude off me and seems to have released the last remnants of the pattern that has limited me big time all my life, OVERWHELM. I knew that anxiety and overwhelm had crippled me in very significant ways. I also knew that anticipatory overwhelm had limited me in countless other things. I always had the fear of being overwhelmed in the back of my mind, waiting to pounce with the slightest invitation. So no matter what I did it lurked there and robbed me of joy. I could not really relish my own experience as that fear remained either active or underground. After the session I felt like I had been reborn. I got to experience what it felt like to be in a body without anxiety, without overwhelm, without the anticipatory fear of overwhelm. It feels wonderful. I was able to prepare for my ritual gathering with such pleasure, delighting in lighting the candles, cooking the soup, each element of my preparation. I am now on my the third day of feeling like this and is as though I have entered a new world. No wonder I never wanted to move. When I am still, I am often able to stay in peace. Movement had often triggered overwhelm. So of course I wanted to avoid being present to my body’s experience. I told Doug I wanted to simply enjoy being in my body. I have had glimmers at my Nia class, in other dance classes and always in the water. I use to love to dance and my nick name was the dancing Hanson. Yet I slowly lost my joy in body movement until I felt like a prisoner encased in a shell of empty discomfort. Almost my entire adult life has been about the attempt to free myself. Imagine my triumph to finally arrive  free of limitation, at least in this moment; such a sense of exhalation!
Today I took a walk after working straight through for almost six hours, while fasting and after joyfully wrapping the last Christmas presents. That I did it at all after such a busy day is a miracle. Savoring the crunch of my footsteps on gravel, smelling the damp earth, marveling at the pink tinged sky I basked in my walk rather than it feeling like a boring, unpleasant required task. Ah such a shift. Such delicious presence.
The stackers had another go at me yesterday throwing up one of my favorite triggering events and I didn’t even blink! I stayed neutral and even compassionate. My body did not react in the slightest. How can I describe the sense of freedom, of liberation? I can’t really. Yet if you are willing to allow your own experience, dive into the discomfort, question your false beliefs then I know you won’t have to wonder what it feels like. You’ll know.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

beautiful community prayer

You are such a part of my community that I feel called to share this prayer from another part of my community. Also I am doing a ritual today at 5 p.m. PST releasing all that no longer serves and setting our intent for life on the new earth, an earth that can and will sustain love. I have read that this may be the most significant week on the planet with so many opportunities for healing. If you wish to join in our ritual from afar, please post what you wish to release and I will print and burn it. If you wish I can also read your intentions out to our group. Do as your heart dictates. Let yourself feel what you feel and be guided by the incredible wisdom stored in every cell of your being. So much love for all of you.

Dear community,

Please come join me in pausing each hour, on the hour, as often as you can (even if just once, for a couple of minutes) to spread the light of healing today and all weekend.

Such tragedy today in Connecticut! What a deep wound this has created for many. My heart aches for the loss of life, those families and communities directly impacted, and for all of us in this world who can feel the collective pain, the sadness, the grief.

I believe we are all connected.
I believe that we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
I believe that authentic love ignites on the inside, and moves out, not the other way around.
I believe that if we spread that love, in whatever form it takes for us, it can inspire the ignition of authentic love in another.
I believe war begins inside of the heart. This war in the heart turns outward to make war, horrible, destructive, ugly war on our partners, our friends, our loved ones, on people "not like us", on other countries, and yes, war on a little school in Connecticut.
I believe this is a pivotal time for this planet, one where we can consciously choose to heal ourselves, our nations, the oceans, the atmosphere, the world.
I believe it is always a choice, and that we do chose each moment, whether consciously or unconsciously. We make a choice between love or fear. It is that simple. Love or Fear.
I believe that days like today can be the wake up call to love even more.

So, will you join me!? Even if just once and for a couple of minutes. Beginning at 4:00 pm PST today, every hour, on the hour, I will stop for 15 minutes to light candles and meditate. I will allow myself to feel the pain, lean into it and not run from it, breathe in all that pain and war right into my heart, allow it to transform to love and peace, and then send it out, release healing to all the dark corners of our planet.
I'll end at 12:15 after midnight tonight, to begin a new day, in faith and trust, and in love.
Upon arising, I will continue...throughout the weekend.

Please invite others to do the same.

I love you. I might not know you. But I love you.

Toi Lynn