Saturday, December 22, 2012

disappointment and successful stack attack

Oracle report called today an energetic hangover and boy have I felt it. I had trouble sleeping last night and actually end up taking some herbs. When I woke up first I had two major insight about why I was feeling such disappointment with 12/21. No, I did not expect to wake up in heaven yet several things I had read had given me the idea I would wake up with significantly more ease and perhaps beyond duality? I had read that if one devoted themselves to the task of helping others awaken, one would be given a Divine dispensation of some sort. That was my only real expectation and yup, I am disappointed. Far from it, on the evening of 12/21 I had a sneak stack attack and fell for it with the ole hook, line and sinker. I experienced rage and even a smidgeon of hated. Whoa, the last thing I expected to feel on the sacred 12/21. What took me aback was that witness mode was very active, I remembered to see the other person as acting from frightened parts of their personality and yet I saw I was not willing to get off it. I felt very justified in my rage and even hatred. Rather humbling for guru girl, a name someone gave me that I love as it so accurately captures my shadow.
Very humbling to say the least. Far from beyond duality, I was stuck right in the middle of it and not even repentant!! What an eye opener. I read some blogs latter where many were disappointed, especially those who saw ascension as going to a physically new place in an embodied way. Now that was never my expectation in the slightest so no worries there. Yet I did expect more than I realized to be lifted internally beyond all this sh*t. I realized in the night that I was attempting to stuff my disappointment. Ironically that is what I sense cause the domestic explosion in the one who targeted me with their seething criticism that sent me spinning. Someone recently looked at a post I did a few months ago about disappointment and I reread it. Here we go again. Same old, same old. Yup, what's a girl to do? AGAIN?*&^^%$#@@$%&(expletive, expletive) Allow it. I dove into it again. Then I reached for my Way of Mastery and what did I find? The miracle I was waiting for was a chimera. At the same time, the miracle is at hand. It is only a perception away. Then I felt justified in my rage, I was denying my limitless nature that can never be harmed. I was buying that another's behavior could wound me. Is that true? On the surface absolutely. Someone says something hurtful and I am hurt. Yet it is my direct experience that often people say incredibly hurtful things and it has zero impact on me. So what was different here? I bought the package! I bought the words. I did not see! I gave my own freedom away. So I can feel like a victim and project blame or I can see what frightened parts of my personality are telling me and heal that misperception. Yea, I am bummed that thus far I have not gotten my Divine dispensation and that I got caught by another stack attack. Yet when I look closely I know that stack attack is just a name that sounds funny yet is a little dangerous. The word attack is how I actually  felt, attacked. In fact, the stackers are allies working hard to point out where I have bought the lie of myself as limited. They are very clever friends doing a rather thankless job. So I better come up with a new name maybe, stack got my back? Stack to unrack? Stack to show the lack? I think that works better. The stackers show me where I believe in lack. Yes, I have an energetic hangover, yes I am disappointed. Yes, I got caught in ego several times today. Yes, guru girl doesn't like it. So back to the drawing board, digging deeper until i REALLY get Who I am, the Truth no one can diminish or touch. Until then I guess the stackers have their work cut out, showing me where I still get lost in lack. oh well. :-(:-\:-PO:-)

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