Monday, December 17, 2012

Failed stack attack and being free of anticipatory overwhelm

I have been more busy in the last weeks then ever before so have had little chance to check in. A few days ago the stackers (universal forces designed to help us wake up from illusion, from the dream of separation) were working overtime on my case. They threw one challenge after another with a few upsets to top it off and I didn’t fall for it!!!!!!  Can you imagine the sense of liberation? As I was picking up my daughter from school, I shook my fist at the sky and yelled, “Nice try but forget it! I ain’t falling for your tricks today.” OMG did that feel good. I laughed uproariously. I felt like I had just graduated with a Ph.D. from the school of separation into the knowledge of unity.

The next day I was caught in spin mind again. I was racing like I was Parnelli Jones ( a famous race car driver).  I was officially flipped out. I had to sit in silence and attempt to pull my scattered pieces into some type of functional whole. It wasn’t pretty. Yet later in the day I was blessed with a session with my healer Doug Mitchell (fabulous healer if you are in the area.) He pulled some crude off me and seems to have released the last remnants of the pattern that has limited me big time all my life, OVERWHELM. I knew that anxiety and overwhelm had crippled me in very significant ways. I also knew that anticipatory overwhelm had limited me in countless other things. I always had the fear of being overwhelmed in the back of my mind, waiting to pounce with the slightest invitation. So no matter what I did it lurked there and robbed me of joy. I could not really relish my own experience as that fear remained either active or underground. After the session I felt like I had been reborn. I got to experience what it felt like to be in a body without anxiety, without overwhelm, without the anticipatory fear of overwhelm. It feels wonderful. I was able to prepare for my ritual gathering with such pleasure, delighting in lighting the candles, cooking the soup, each element of my preparation. I am now on my the third day of feeling like this and is as though I have entered a new world. No wonder I never wanted to move. When I am still, I am often able to stay in peace. Movement had often triggered overwhelm. So of course I wanted to avoid being present to my body’s experience. I told Doug I wanted to simply enjoy being in my body. I have had glimmers at my Nia class, in other dance classes and always in the water. I use to love to dance and my nick name was the dancing Hanson. Yet I slowly lost my joy in body movement until I felt like a prisoner encased in a shell of empty discomfort. Almost my entire adult life has been about the attempt to free myself. Imagine my triumph to finally arrive  free of limitation, at least in this moment; such a sense of exhalation!
Today I took a walk after working straight through for almost six hours, while fasting and after joyfully wrapping the last Christmas presents. That I did it at all after such a busy day is a miracle. Savoring the crunch of my footsteps on gravel, smelling the damp earth, marveling at the pink tinged sky I basked in my walk rather than it feeling like a boring, unpleasant required task. Ah such a shift. Such delicious presence.
The stackers had another go at me yesterday throwing up one of my favorite triggering events and I didn’t even blink! I stayed neutral and even compassionate. My body did not react in the slightest. How can I describe the sense of freedom, of liberation? I can’t really. Yet if you are willing to allow your own experience, dive into the discomfort, question your false beliefs then I know you won’t have to wonder what it feels like. You’ll know.

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