Saturday, May 31, 2014

3D- disappointment, discouragement, depression

yup, officially off my cloud and experiencing the 3 D's, depression, disappointment and discouragement with a dash of despair, doubt and distress. I don't know what the hell wave is up but i am officially NOT enjoying it. enough said.

so within an hour of posting this chanced upon a replay of Mat Kahn talk and first thing he said answered what is up with me, so love the synchronicity, perhaps it helps others, free till Sunday night i think:

Tuesday, May 27, 2014



being human

So I think I mention how I have devoted myself to the spiritual side of life for over two decades. Especially the last years I was a broken tape with only one track, spirituality. I had little interest in anything else except my relationships especially with my daughter. I really only wanted to talk spirituality. I heard Matt Kahn say the same thing about himself and how he now has many interest and never talks “spirituality” outside of his work. I am starting to live that too. For the first time I got bored talking about ascension symptoms and awarenesses. I was like, can we talk about something else. You have no idea what an about face this is. So we read poetry yesterday to celebrate American Memorial day. I can now look back on my obsession (now wayyy behind me, yea, it’s been AT LEAST almost 24 hours) and wonder that I shut myself off rom so much of life. I am exaggerating as others things did interest me but they paled in comparison to my obsession. I welcome this expansion without judgment of what has come before.
Today I feel off. The joy is noticeably absent. The difference is I don’t make a stink about it. It just is. Today feels flat, next steps foggy, sense of emptiness, rudderless. Ands that’s O.K. It’s O.K. All is well.

Monday, May 26, 2014


I just realized the other day that I have met my four biggest dreams and arrived at a place i yearned for my whole life. The sense of celebration continues to bath me in a twinkletoes pink glow. Just a few years ago my out going phone message denied my connection to the human race, preferring to remember my other worldly origins  Now I am dancing here on earth. I can't say i really yearned for that as I am not sure i really thought it was possible. I can say i have fulfilled the primary urges that have been my life long motivations. In 2000 I realized my dream to become a mother and explore the unconditional love so readily available from new arrivals to earth  My daughter came "trailing clouds of glory" and I immersed myself in that glory, luxuriating in the frequency of such pure love. Over the last few years my vision of being calm in my body, releasing overwhelm and anxiety have slowly unfolded and are now my experience about 95% of the time. My body is relaxed and peaceful. Most triggers roll off me like a duck in water.  Over the last year or two, harmony has been restored in my home most of the time and it is very rare for my daughter and I to experience tension between us. The peace and love are reminiscent of when she was an infant and this is the fulfillment of one of my most powerful intentions. Conflict, acrimony and disunity were almost unbearable to me. Finally, my most cherished desire was fulfilled in the last weeks, the recognition that I am, you are the embodiment of love and to keep that knowing present moment to moment. To know i have arrived at a long sought shore, to recognize it for the first time fills my heart to bursting with joy. And yes, I still have several imporant unrealized hopes but they are not central to my being. So it is now easy to recognize the poets' words from my heart rather than my head. While my deepest dreams have been answered, my vision which has slowly arisen over the last dozen years is more encompassing then anything i could previously have imagined, to bring the love and certainty i am now experiencing to the world. 

"Ah, dear friends, to the brim..." (fragment of a poem the source of which I have forgotten)

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
Marcel Proust
French novelist (1871 - 1922)

William Wordsworth. 1770–1850
536. Ode
Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood

THERE was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,
    The earth, and every common sight,
            To me did seem
    Apparell'd in celestial light,
The glory and the freshness of a dream.         5
It is not now as it hath been of yore;—
        Turn wheresoe'er I may,
            By night or day,
The things which I have seen I now can see no more.
        The rainbow comes and goes,  10
        And lovely is the rose;
        The moon doth with delight
    Look round her when the heavens are bare;
        Waters on a starry night
        Are beautiful and fair;  15
    The sunshine is a glorious birth;
    But yet I know, where'er I go,
That there hath pass'd away a glory from the earth.
Now, while the birds thus sing a joyous song,
    And while the young lambs bound  20
        As to the tabor's sound,
To me alone there came a thought of grief:
A timely utterance gave that thought relief,
        And I again am strong:
The cataracts blow their trumpets from the steep;  25
No more shall grief of mine the season wrong;
I hear the echoes through the mountains throng,
The winds come to me from the fields of sleep,
        And all the earth is gay;
            Land and sea  30
    Give themselves up to jollity,
      And with the heart of May
    Doth every beast keep holiday;—
          Thou Child of Joy,
Shout round me, let me hear thy shouts, thou happy  35
Ye blessèd creatures, I have heard the call
    Ye to each other make; I see
The heavens laugh with you in your jubilee;
    My heart is at your festival,  40
      My head hath its coronal,
The fulness of your bliss, I feel—I feel it all.
        O evil day! if I were sullen
        While Earth herself is adorning,
            This sweet May-morning,  45
        And the children are culling
            On every side,
        In a thousand valleys far and wide,
        Fresh flowers; while the sun shines warm,
And the babe leaps up on his mother's arm:—  50
        I hear, I hear, with joy I hear!
        —But there's a tree, of many, one,
A single field which I have look'd upon,
Both of them speak of something that is gone:
          The pansy at my feet  55
          Doth the same tale repeat:
Whither is fled the visionary gleam?
Where is it now, the glory and the dream?
Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,  60
        Hath had elsewhere its setting,
          And cometh from afar:
        Not in entire forgetfulness,
        And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come  65
        From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!
Shades of the prison-house begin to close
        Upon the growing Boy,
But he beholds the light, and whence it flows,  70
        He sees it in his joy;
The Youth, who daily farther from the east
    Must travel, still is Nature's priest,
      And by the vision splendid
      Is on his way attended;  75
At length the Man perceives it die away,
And fade into the light of common day.
Earth fills her lap with pleasures of her own;
Yearnings she hath in her own natural kind,
And, even with something of a mother's mind,  80
        And no unworthy aim,
    The homely nurse doth all she can
To make her foster-child, her Inmate Man,
    Forget the glories he hath known,
And that imperial palace whence he came.  85
Behold the Child among his new-born blisses,
A six years' darling of a pigmy size!
See, where 'mid work of his own hand he lies,
Fretted by sallies of his mother's kisses,
With light upon him from his father's eyes!  90
See, at his feet, some little plan or chart,
Some fragment from his dream of human life,
Shaped by himself with newly-learnèd art;
    A wedding or a festival,
    A mourning or a funeral;  95
        And this hath now his heart,
    And unto this he frames his song:
        Then will he fit his tongue
To dialogues of business, love, or strife;
        But it will not be long 100
        Ere this be thrown aside,
        And with new joy and pride
The little actor cons another part;
Filling from time to time his 'humorous stage'
With all the Persons, down to palsied Age, 105
That Life brings with her in her equipage;
        As if his whole vocation
        Were endless imitation.
Thou, whose exterior semblance doth belie
        Thy soul's immensity; 110
Thou best philosopher, who yet dost keep
Thy heritage, thou eye among the blind,
That, deaf and silent, read'st the eternal deep,
Haunted for ever by the eternal mind,—
        Mighty prophet! Seer blest! 115
        On whom those truths do rest,
Which we are toiling all our lives to find,
In darkness lost, the darkness of the grave;
Thou, over whom thy Immortality
Broods like the Day, a master o'er a slave, 120
A presence which is not to be put by;
          To whom the grave
Is but a lonely bed without the sense or sight
        Of day or the warm light,
A place of thought where we in waiting lie; 125
Thou little Child, yet glorious in the might
Of heaven-born freedom on thy being's height,
Why with such earnest pains dost thou provoke
The years to bring the inevitable yoke,
Thus blindly with thy blessedness at strife? 130
Full soon thy soul shall have her earthly freight,
And custom lie upon thee with a weight,
Heavy as frost, and deep almost as life!
        O joy! that in our embers
        Is something that doth live, 135
        That nature yet remembers
        What was so fugitive!
The thought of our past years in me doth breed
Perpetual benediction: not indeed
For that which is most worthy to be blest— 140
Delight and liberty, the simple creed
Of childhood, whether busy or at rest,
With new-fledged hope still fluttering in his breast:—
        Not for these I raise
        The song of thanks and praise; 145
    But for those obstinate questionings
    Of sense and outward things,
    Fallings from us, vanishings;
    Blank misgivings of a Creature
Moving about in worlds not realized, 150
High instincts before which our mortal Nature
Did tremble like a guilty thing surprised:
        But for those first affections,
        Those shadowy recollections,
      Which, be they what they may, 155
Are yet the fountain-light of all our day,
Are yet a master-light of all our seeing;
  Uphold us, cherish, and have power to make
Our noisy years seem moments in the being
Of the eternal Silence: truths that wake, 160
            To perish never:
Which neither listlessness, nor mad endeavour,
            Nor Man nor Boy,
Nor all that is at enmity with joy,
Can utterly abolish or destroy! 165
    Hence in a season of calm weather
        Though inland far we be,
Our souls have sight of that immortal sea
        Which brought us hither,
    Can in a moment travel thither, 170
And see the children sport upon the shore,
And hear the mighty waters rolling evermore.
Then sing, ye birds, sing, sing a joyous song!
        And let the young lambs bound
        As to the tabor's sound! 175
We in thought will join your throng,
      Ye that pipe and ye that play,
      Ye that through your hearts to-day
      Feel the gladness of the May!
What though the radiance which was once so bright 180
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
    Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
      We will grieve not, rather find
      Strength in what remains behind; 185
      In the primal sympathy
      Which having been must ever be;
      In the soothing thoughts that spring
      Out of human suffering;
      In the faith that looks through death, 190
In years that bring the philosophic mind.
And O ye Fountains, Meadows, Hills, and Groves,
Forebode not any severing of our loves!
Yet in my heart of hearts I feel your might;
I only have relinquish'd one delight 195
To live beneath your more habitual sway.
I love the brooks which down their channels fret,
Even more than when I tripp'd lightly as they;
The innocent brightness of a new-born Day
            Is lovely yet; 200
The clouds that gather round the setting sun
Do take a sober colouring from an eye
That hath kept watch o'er man's mortality;
Another race hath been, and other palms are won.
Thanks to the human heart by which we live, 205
Thanks to its tenderness, its joys, and fears,
To me the meanest flower that blows can give
Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears.


It doesn’t interest me if there is one God
or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know
if you are prepared to live in the world
with its harsh need
to change you. If you can look back
with firm eyes
saying this is where I stand. I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living
falling toward
the center of your longing. I want to know
if you are willing
to live, day by day, with the consequence of love
and the bitter
unwanted passion of your sure defeat.
I have been told, in that fierce embrace, even
the gods speak of God.
~David Whyte

Saturday, May 24, 2014

happy for no reason

I continue to enjoy the major shift I underwent a few weeks ago. It is delicious! Can you imagine, after weeks of barely being able to stare into space I was able to be productive for six hours straight?! The miracle is I had no story about not being able to do hardly anything productive, while that non productive state lasted. (Now that is a sentence, good luck figuring it out.) Space staring was a wonderful occupation. This new inner state is so accepting, so serene and slowly, so joyful!! Now joy is not an emotion that has not been much in my repertoire, basically ever. So I am certainly enjoying the joy.
I am also noticing ease in my body. I just completed a five day fast to cleanse my bladder/kidneys with accompanying teas and tonics. It was so amazingly easy. I did not feel hungry!! I also notice my body does not feel the heat as it used to. It was in the low nineties yesterday and I could not believe it as it did not feel hot to me, this after years of suffering with the heat. I also know it is because I no longer carry much of a story about heat. I can feel the story is in there a tad but greatly reduced.
 I was about to write an ego driven email and immediately caught the inner discomfort that directed me to change course. I also love how I feel innerly directed to do something: last week it was get a massage ($20/hour and they are fabulous) and this week it was do the cleanse. Then I read that is the ideal thing to accommodate the energies. I was clearing out madly for the first two months of the year and then read this was the order of the day. I do not channel, I just get inner impulses. Yet I would never think to say hey kids, this is what is up. I am recognizing how I have dismissed and discounted my gifts, like this one. I also never considered myself a good writer. I  figured I just spit it out and let it be. Yet rereading some post I am amazed at how articulate they are. Yea for me! 

And now for something completely different. (I am sure I heard that on a TV show. Since I haven’t watched TV in about two decades, it must be old.) My relationship miracle. I am related to many people who are very successful in worldly terms, doctors, lawyers, a senator, humanitarians , etc. I always negatively compared myself to them. I saw myself as less than and was so relieved to leave the country for over five years. The charge disappeared until I returned for a few months after being gone for two years. Touching American soil I felt the charge of unworthiness again and cried. A few days ago I had the opportunity to restore my most challenging relationship to wholeness by claiming my own worth. Years ago I literally did a year long project to heal this relationship. The process was part of my Master's in Counseling Psychology ciriculum which made it even more significant that basically I failed to make much headway. Yet now I was able to speak to this person at length after years of estrangement  and feel so much acceptance of their way of life and no sense of comparison or unworthiness. I honored and blessed this person's path while celebrating my own. I had rewritten my definition of success about 20 years ago yet I could not fully own it. By my definition I have been successful for a long time. I have marched to my own drummer as they say. I have devoted myself to one thing, embodying and extending love and been like a pit-bull on a pork-chop with it. Man, am I tenacious. And I have finally arrived. I have passed through some gate, a doorway. I feel GOOD, I feel HAPPY for no reason. I am officially stating it here cause I know my life is going to change. This morning I had tears of joy as I connected to the energy field of my beloved partner. He must be getting close as I felt him so clearly. I feel abundant even though I have not been poorer in over two decades. I feel external/worldly success on the horizon. Yet NONE OF THAT is the reason I feel happy. I feel happy because I love and accept myself exactly as I am now; overweight, little income, few real friends, rather isolated, no partner, little success getting my work into the world. I am stating it officially NOW as later it would be easy to say, of course she is joyful. She has everything. Yup, it is in my field although it has not yet arrived. None of that is why this joy bubbles up inside. It is ALL about the love I feel for myself. My beloved friend Sara seems to have passed through a similar doorway and already has miracles arriving at her door. Whoopee, what a ride!

Friday, May 23, 2014

I couldn't agree more

While awakening plays a key role in spiritual evolution, it is not the appropriate focus in order for true liberation to dawn. In what will surely be a reoccurring theme in the new paradigm of humanity, the focus of the soul’s journey is unraveling the overstimulated nervous system. This allows the cocoon of ego to flake apart, which releases you from the spell of human suffering, so you may see that you have never, in any way, been separate from love.

I have explored many spiritual paths where there is a hardcore mentality toward awakening. While this type of single-pointed focus is commendable, it is quite common for someone who takes such a firm stance to scoff at the suggestion of love, as if it’s simply a fleeting emotion you feel around those you admire. The love I speak of is not just a feeling of elation or the electricity of arousal. It is the very fabric of energy that animates every form, as extensions of a harmonious and all-knowing Source that celebrates its miraculous potential in all who appear within it.

When your soul’s journey is not rooted in an open heart, it is common to spend time working on yourself, instead of loving yourself on a regular basis. There is also a tendency to learn about consciousness, as a replacement for exploring it directly. These types of misunderstandings create a greater sense of self-centeredness, which distracts from the importance of helping your body feel safe.

Whenever engaging in a self-centered spiritual path, it can lead you to believe that you’ve developed a complete understanding of spiritual concepts. This may even be accompanied by moments of profound clarity. All the while, it cannot assist you in fully embodying the timeless qualities and primordial flow of Spirit until returning to love becomes your main objective.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

too cool

My photo got featured on Oracle Report again. This time I am sharing it with you as I am so jazzed! FUN!


The tenor of emotions reaches maximum between noon - 4:00 pm ET / 4:00 pm - 8:00 pm UT.  While the waves whip up in the world around us, we endeavor toward calm, placid water like the water that wise owl Savannah captured in today's photograph.  Maintaining this mindset, we work together today to reinforce the unity of humanity.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

another dream realized

Wow, things are on the move. Another long term vision of mine has been realized with the healing of a relationship. Again so major for me and such peace flowing from this restoration to wholeness. Also my photo was the featured photo on oracle report yesterday. Sadly it is too late to see it unless you happened to see the flower with the insect yesterday. It is not stored in archives. But still fun that it was there. 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014


I am a bit more functional again. Words seem to be arriving. I will not even attempt to share all that has occurred yet I would love to touch on the highlights. I have gotten several emails wondering what is up. So here goes the Cliff note version.
My birthday always sets a lot of energy in motion. It raises the question if I will still seek external love as I did in the past, waiting under the Christmas tree, counting my presents, knowing on that one day that I was surely loved. I have worked with this charge literally for decades and it is much diminished. Yet I must keep my wits about me not to come unglued. So I had a very sweet party and a lovely dinner on my actual birthday. Then the miracles of May 9th ( see blog joyously celebrating the field of love) occurred and I was able to give myself love and acceptance in a way I never had, to commit with passion to stopping the chain of pain, to refuse to judge myself, see myself as unworthy, be constantly in fix it mode. I grieved the loss of love I did not experience as a child, despite my assurance my mother loved me. I grieved not hearing from any of my family of origin. I cherished and comforted myself, allowing the pain to wash over me in waves. And then I rose in celebration, knowing something major had unfolded. I even said I bet I will now here from one of my relatives. It turns out I did get a call but because it went to my cell phone which I seldom check, I did not realize it until yesterday. Everything was arising for the perfect storm of conscious awakening. I could see the perfection as it unfolded.
On Saturday I listened to Matt Kahn’s angel academy. He spoke about the period when one shifts from personal will to Divine will. He described the exact state I have been in for some time, feeling isolated and lonely even though surrounded by loving people, feeling bored, stagnant, not moving ahead in any significant way despite numerous efforts. Yup, yup, yup. With this information, another layer of self judgment floated away, the why am I going nowhere fast judgment that was underground no matter how much I wished it away. This was perhaps the last sticky judgment. (Just to add, he says the antidote to this state is to ask yourself the question, what happens when I stop moving forward, stop trying to move forward.)
So Monday I was on As usual I was on my theme about my life long desire to embody love and Lauren graced me with this response,
you are a lot closer to this than you "think" you are. In fact, I would argue that you are "there" already...your mind just didn't get the memo yet I can't speak for anyone but myself but I feel your love as palpably as your ache to embody it...the challenge, for all of us really, is in feeling worthy enuf to turn that love inward and direct it at ourselves. And BTW, your ability to BE exactly as you bear witness to the ways you are imperfect, without judgement...IS self LOVE embodied. It's in the acknowledgement that you are not broken, and so there is nothing to "fix", that our true perfection emerges. This full moon should be very enlightening for you in this regard! ♡”

Who knows why, the key turned and the door opened. I realized I had already arrived at this long held vision. I had misunderstood what embodied love would look and feel like. It was like the first few times I had an orgasm and didn’t recognize them as such because they did not fit the description I had read!  pastedGraphic.pdfSo when I read her words I realized I was THERE!!!  I had arrived at a destination I had envision from time immortal. I had imagined when I arrived I would never doubt myself, never feel unloved or lonely, never feel uncertain. NOT! What has changed is that these feelings arise, I witness them and then they pass away. I do not grab on to them, form an identity around them, judge them or myself or TRY TO FIX THEM OR MYSELF!!! THIS IS 
So a new peace and freedom has arisen in my life. I have felt significant loneliness, uncertainty, lack of movement. I feel unable to accomplish much. I felt the unloved wave wash over me despite later having one of the most loving days of my life. I could just allow it to be in the moment, allow it without making meaning out of it, thinking I was defective, needing to change anything. There is such spaciousness around whatever arises. It usually passes very quickly and my immediate fall back position is to begin to love myself, to say loving, cherishing words, to sooth myself and adore myself regardless of what is happening. 
So that is the story, simple yet profound. My next adventure is coming back to being human. Can’t remember if I wrote this before or not yet I came to the realization the first half of my life so far I indulged and enjoyed the human side of my life, the second have I became TYPE A spiritual obsessive. It is now time to bring these two sides into balance yet for now the words have run dry so I will say goodbye, being such a poet. So much love my darlings.


diving deep-postcards from the edge (POST I REREAD)

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Embodied love- celebrate

So much is happening and shifting I cannot yet write about it.  The biggest thing is I officially reached one of my biggest life long goals. I can officially state that I now embody love. My official rebirth day is 5/12/14. A perfect storm of events catalyzed this happy event. I am celebrating and will probably give details later.

I just reread this post about happiness and joy. It fits now more then ever and would like to share it again for those that may have missed it. Happy full moon loves.

Monday, May 12, 2014

when loved ones suffer

this really speaks to me, it is what I am slowly discovering and soothes some ragged edges today:

Many pursue spirituality hoping to discover freedom from the adversities of life. While spirituality cannot prevent outcomes from occurring, it is sure to reveal the source of pain often associated with unfavorable outcomes. Such pain is not caused by any particular outcome, but the inability to feel good about yourself until whatever you perceive as adverse is no longer present in your life. Once you recognize a refusal to feel good about yourself until life changes more in your favor, to be the source of pain and suffering, you begin to free yourself from the doubt and despair of adversity.

While this cannot guarantee any particular outcome, it helps you evolve as a result of outcome by recognizing the profound gifts within every encounter. This allows your heart to remain open, no matter the circumstances that come your way, which frees you from judging anything as adverse or favorable when it’s equally an essential part of your incredible life’s journey. Once you no longer judge anything as adverse, or withhold love from yourself until circumstances change, you are able to lovingly support others through their circumstances without needing to change their experiences as well.

From this space, the most direct way to help others in adversity is to help them feel good about themselves – no matter how their life appears. The best way to help others feel good about themselves is by letting them know how good you feel having them in your life. This means the more others matter to you, the more their life begins to matter, despite the circumstances they are sure to face.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

feelings and needs, a family requirement?

Few things on my mind today. First I want to mention a huge aha and give Matt Kahn a huge hug of appreciation for tying up some puzzle pieces for me yesterday in this discussion on the angel academy. I have been experiencing a lot of frustration at the snail’s pace my purpose/ work seems to be moving forward. No matter what I do, it doesn’t seem to get off the ground. I realized myself there are several reasons for this, my previous lack of energy to sustain any prolonged attention and action and a need to stay neutrally in non attachment regarding what unfolds. Yet this was still the source of my greatest energy drain, the doubt that anything would ever happen, that I would always be limping along trying to make ends meet and wishing my energies/ passion would reach a wider audience. Yesterday he described everything I am experiencing as the limbo state where we switch from personal to Divine will. BINGO. The minute I heard that it clicked. I must say for me it is easier when it makes sense. I so get that that is what is happening to me. I have been trying to MAKE things happen. That is not the new 5D way of the world. I still don’t grok what IS the way yet I now have such peace that this limbo state of continued partial isolation and frustration is incubating exactly what is needed to move from personal/ make it happen will to Divine/ let it happen will. Last night I slept better than I have in months having returned to a state of trust and acceptance.

The other thing on my mind is feelings and needs. I have been watching this one for awhile with interesting results. So I have been witnessing what happens when people expect things of me or I expect things of them. It increasingly seems to end in a no win situation. Year’s ago my husband/wasband  had decided I needed to choose between celebrating my birthday or mother’s day because they are in such close proximity and my daughter is following in his footsteps. He actually changed his mind yet she has not. Last year when I got nothing because my daughter didn’t feel like it, I pitched a shit fit. This year I swore she needed to pick me a flower, make me a card etc. if she cares about me. On one hand I could see how absurd my demands were and how unsatisfying it is to have someone give you something with reluctance. I knew it was all stemming from my not yet completely healed wounds and STILL I felt ENTITLED to having this basic need met. Hey, I studied non-violent communication and it is all about feelings and needs right? If you don’t want to meet my needs, care about my feelings, why should I be in relationship with you? But what if it is a particular need and it comes in the form of a demand, then what? Who ever wants to meet a demand? Yet how much of the mother’s day celebrations are authentic and how much rote custom, reluctantly given year after year. I noticed how joyfully my daughter gave me flowers on Easter perhaps because I have zero expectations. Several people asked me how I would spend mother’s day and I told them my family’s rule about choosing to celebrate one thing or the other. Each one was horrified and felt sorry to me, adding fuel to my self righteous little fire. Yet I can see in myself that I never respond well to expectations. So I feel myself bounce back and forth, she should care and give me something, just a handmade card. She should do nothing because she is in reaction to my demands and, like me, she hates to be controlled. Last year the should won out. This year I could have compassion for that need in me that arose a few days ago thinking about mother’s day. Yet luckily by today the fire had died down and I was satisfied to get what I expected, basically nothing. Would love other’s experience with feelings and needs. What I am coming to witness is that needs keep me trapped, even preferences have glue to them. When I read that a few years ago, that eventually in the name of total freedom, even my preferences would go I was like no way jose. How empty and boring would that be. Yet now I see how spacious and free that is. I imagine I will still have things I enjoy and desire. They will just no longer come with the chain of expectations or attachment.
Ok this is hysterical. Our bunny keeps trying to force me to pet her. When I stopped petting her just now, trying to concentrate, she jumped up on the chair I am sitting on and pooped on me. She is demanding I pet her, gotta love it!!

may we each know a mother's unconditional love for ourselves


I wish all of you who are mothers, who have mothers, who will be mothers and who are in need of mothering yourself a day of self celebration and honoring of each of you in your uniqueness. I also honor our mother earth and all the gifts she has shared. May you each know a mother's most cherishing love, may you each know how precious you are.

Friday, May 9, 2014

joyously celebrating the field of love

Yesterday I had a truly miraculous experience. This last birthday was a major one and while for the most part I felt loved, adored and cherished a few things triggered my old wounds. The way I had received my particular conditioning was to make it the day the world had to prove to me I was loved. The reasons why don't even matter except to say I have spent decades releasing this trigger from my nervous system. I sailed through the few blips that arose in my nervous system and thought all was well. Until the following day when I was celebrated in the loving fold of my sacred dance group. I am still a wet noodle from the fallout of the profound release the day afforded me. Entering that field of sacred acceptance and love allowed me to dive into (hopefully) the root, ground of that wound. Despite  well wishes worldwide from so many people, the fact that I did not hear from either remaining member of my family of origin was a ripping sadness to me. As soon as I got in the room with these gorgeous women of my dance tribe, the tears began to flow, scraping off the scab and allowing my deep grief to surface for all the ways my family was incapable of loving me and I was incapable of loving them. I curled up in the fetal position and allowed the anguish to have its way with me. Surrounded by so much love gave me the foundation to troll the bottom depths of this wound. Instinctively I knew exactly what to do to sooth and comfort myself. I rocked, pet myself, ran devoted hands tenderly over myself. I felt the women behind me holding me in their tender embrace. I was soothed by their support and dove ever more fully into the remaining dregs of this torment. I had no feelings of shame or embarrassment at my(what my daughter would call and be humiliated by) public grief. Given my professional training, I was completely aware that I had struck a line of energy, a resonance that was now available to be restored to wholeness. I knew what a blessing such an opportunity is, the absolute opening to retrieving my own sense of belonging. I knew I would be a fool to pass this opportunity up. So I waded, swam, dove, tread, immersed myself in my heartache. I allowed, allowed, allowed. My instincts guided my every move, knowing precisely what would be the most loving gesture in the moment. While I could not see or hear what the women behind me were doing, I felt absolutely held in a love wave that gave my inner child the additional support she needed to face this monster down once and hopefully for all. Even in the moment, I was able to witness the profundity of the healing. It was a perfect storm of suppressed pain. The music our beloved teacher Natana had chosen was the ideal accompaniment to my emotions. One song in particular crested me to the wave of sadness, asking me to give voice to my sorrow. I allowed it to unfold in its own exquisite timing. Interestingly, the whole process did not even feel painful in the way I use to experience moving through grief. Even in the moment there was a sense of release that lightened the sadness to a gentler wave of moving energy. Slowly a new feeling emerged, a spaciousness, an emptiness, an arising. I felt moved to join the dance, to look into other loving eyes, to join hands and circle each other, to mirror another's movement. A joy and light began to unfurl, emerging from the hummus of my heartbreak. I felt so much lighter, gliding with angelic wings lifting me from the revisiting of childhood torment. I also was very much aware that the certainty of my mother's love, expressed in the only way she knew how, was what had kept my heart intact enough to emerge now from the badlands of my childhood. Here, in this moment, the pain was gone, the sense of not belonging, of being separate. I knew it was my courage, my commitment, my tenacity, my own love that had fueled the healing. Yet being held in the group energy was the catalyst for the transfiguration  I felt such love for these women, so much appreciation for their thoughtful cards, gifts, flowers, tender gestures and loving glances. I felt within the core of my being how different the planet would be if we all could be bathed in such love and acceptance. The vision of this new earth was clear in my mind's eyes and I KNEW,  I KNEW I had the strength and the courage to keep moving toward that vision. We took a photo of ourselves and I can see the light shining so brightly from so many eyes. 
The icing on the cake was pulling an angel card telling me I was safe now. The light flowing from the angel's open heart was further confirmation that I had crossed the threshold I have yearned for all my life, the territory where I feel safe enough inside myself to live with an open heart, allowing my vulnerability to be my strength. As we gathered for lunch afterwards I felt completely open hearted, no barriers or crevices within hiding from an unsafe world. I felt a joy ticking my insides and saw so much light within and without. A blanket of exhaustion did nothing to dampen the rejoicing, the certainty I had arrived in a new territory, held by the fluid grounding of my own heart. I send a triumphant hearthug to Natana, Wendy, Judy, Beatrice, Connie, Snookie, Karel, Kevara, Juanita with so much thanks. Truly this will go down in my personal history as one of the days my life changed course, finding a new trajectory once again.
My theme for the celebration was "I am joyously celebrating Divine imperfection, diving into the unifying void." I declared myself in front of these witnesses, swearing to give up this ridiculous quest for perfection, this heart wrenching endless criticism in the name of some impossible spiritual perfection. 

Still need to complete this but wanted to publish at 2:22. I am still in wet noodle mode after all the catharsis  I am also imperfect and so is this post and that is ok, more later when i get back!!!
(The photo and the angel card I pulled as part of the ritual are below.)

Fun, now updating at 4:44. So, I felt myself ground deeply, sending the roots of my new commitment tunneling into Gaia, into the earth. I am no longer willing to judge and criticize myself or others, using the excuse of improvement as the carrot for such cruelty. I am no longer willing to forgo the pleasures of being human for some spiritual quest chasing the holy Grail. In this moment I stand my ground, radiating love from my open heart, knowing who I am, where I am is enough. As Matt Kahn once said separation is the distance between where you are and where you think you should be. I am closing that gap. Sure I have lots of fantasies about my ideal life. Yet I am no longer willing to bludgeon myself to get there. I am joyously celebrating my Divine imperfection, diving into the unifying void. Come on in, the water's fine.

and a post I just read that speaks to me:  the power of the equinox, March 21

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

day of birth

Someone at my birthday party offered to take my seemingly dead plant and revive it. I was sure it was a goner and was delighted to give her the responsibility. She forgot to take it with, so I went to retrieve it to give to her later and I saw a few green leaves and decided to try to save it myself. Already it is flourishing after I pulled the old dead blossoms off. It feels symbolic of this day.
I was born on this day. Ten years ago I fulfilled a life dream and was in Venice Italy celebrating. I have managed to fulfill a number of life dreams with one or two big ones eluding me. I tend to think they will never happen and they seem to be going no where fast. I wonder why I think like that when so many long held dreams have come to fruition. Just saying...
So here is my big realization as of yesterday. I spent the first half of my life chasing pleasure of all sorts.  My anxiety was so crippling, I saw pleasure as the antidote. To some of my friends, my nickname was the dancin' hanson. I chased pleasure wherever I could find it, travel, food, wine, relationships, clothes, jewelry, dancing, beauty. I enjoyed it yet it soon became clear it left me with a gaping emptiness. So the second half of my life so far, I swung in the opposite direction and focused on the spiritual side of being a spiritual being having a human experience. Spirituality became everything to me over the years, a balm for a life with continued anxiety, fear, great sensitivity, feeling like I didn't belong. Now I must say this had better results and has lead to much greater peace and serenity. Yet just yesterday I saw how I'd thrown the baby out with the bath water. Meaning, I really discounted the human side of the equation, putting pleasure in the unspiritual and thus somehow suspect category. Reading Jennifer Posada's post the other day woke me up to my lost art of pleasure. Sure over the years I've done a ton for enjoyment yet I was subtly judging it as unworthy at the same time, keeping my eyes glued to the sky waiting for divine stardust to lift me to the clouds. ENOUGH of that, what a waste of the human experience. Yesterday I delighted in the steam arising from my hot tea, the red cardinal (or whatever bird it is) perched in my planter (and there again now literally as I type), the sound of the wind, the light at sunset painting my yard in magnetic color. All so simple, all so pleasurable, all things I had discounted for too long.
The other radical shift is the gratitude and non attachment I feel this birthday. For too long I straightjacketed friends and relatives with my incessant need to have them prove their love for me by indulging me on my birthday. I see ever more clearly how I pressured and even guilt tripped people years ago to manipulate them into meeting my bottomless need for external love. It was never enough, never quite right but I was sure if so and so would just do this one thing, the certainty I was loved would flood me. This year I have received some phone calls, Skype, emails, Facebook wishes, gifts, cards and my overwhelming feeling is gratitude and appreciation. With one exception when I was again caught in the web of my neediness, I am so appreciative of what I am being given rather than focused on what I have not been given. What a bloody relief. It has never been clearer to me how expectations create suffering and allowing creates joy and gratitude  Darlings, I have no clue if what I mean is obvious in my words. All I can say is thank the heavens for this inner freedom. I still get caught in the web of my desires yet for the most part I can allow them without the NEED for their fulfillment. I delight when they are and smile when they are not fulfilled. The taste of freedom turns out to be the greatest gift of all.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014


Five years ago today, May 6, 2009, I saw the house I now own for the first time. We had been looking at houses for years yet only recently had I gotten the strong inner urge to actually buy. Our finances made this rather questionable but the urge was strong. Almost six months before this day, my eight year old daughter drew a picture of a house as a present for me, knowing my desire to have our own home. Then again for an early mother's day present she drew another house and framed it for me. It was less than two weeks before we saw our new home for the first time. I had forgotten the drawing done six months earlier yet saw it today. Both drawings are remarkably similar. She did not have access to the first drawing when she did the second one. Both drawings are spookily similar to this home we now own and live in. They both had two stories, wrap around balcony/deck, drive in front, upstairs windows as they are in fact, trees on either side and hills behind it. I continue to be amazed by it. 

Then on May 7, 2009, my birthday, I finished reading the book The Money Game. I was laying in my hammock reading it and literally shook as I felt all the power I had given to money flood back into me. That experience gave me the confidence to urge my husband to agree we could pull off the feat of owning our own home again. So far so good, although not always by a wide margin. Interestingly enough, I am again teaching an abundance class (I was teaching one when we first saw the house) and was doing an exercise from The Money Game  last night, realizing I still give money way too much power in my life. But that is another story.

Back to the house, we did buy it. It was the answer to my husband's dreams although in the last months before we bought it, he said he no longer needed so much land or to be so remote. Ironically one month after we bought it, our marriage began to visibly crumble. Yet having what for me is sacred and peaceful land imbued with such stillness and silence has been the gift that gave me the strength to survive the journey of my long term relationship ending. I am in awe of how the Universe had my back all along, providing me with everything I needed each step of the way. I urged us to buy the house to honor his dream, unwittingly giving myself a gift I had no clue I would be in need of.

At my birthday party, people were asking me the story of adopting our daughter from Guatemala. That too was one miraculous event after the other. Recalling the mystery and magic of life is giving me such a satisfying, sustaining feeling. This day has been one of great solitude and has been for the most part very peaceful, serene and gentle. My feelings can fluctuate still sometimes wildly yet generally only for a few minutes, hours at the most, usually. Two owls are calling to us in this moment. Can you hear them?

web site, fyi

Here's another thing I've had to make peace with the fact my web site has a major snafu so for now I will be posting here on the blog rather than on the web site.

huh? birthday healing and figuring out which way is up

i haven't written much lately as it is not easy for me to string two sentences together. 2014 is proving to be a very different year energetically, I believe for many of us. I had finally got used to the previous energies of contraction with resulting pain and discomfort followed by release and expansion but that is no longer a pattern for me. Now it seems it is a swirling chaos of unmapped territory with no roadsigns or markers to lead the way. I can not get my finger on any particular pattern or way of navigating these uncharted waters. It is much more physical for me now. For example I might suddenly fall asleep or into a daze from one minute to the next. Yet I am experiencing more neutrality and peace then ever.

My birthday is tomorrow and this has long been a hot spot for me as, along with Christmas, it was a very charged time loaded with expectations and hurt feelings coming from childhood conditioning where I came to view these two events as the only time I recognized I was loved. My mother made the events festive and I was given many presents. Here is what  took away from that. Presents/gifts = love. Crazy I know yet that is what got linked for me. It has taken me about 20 years to unravel this source of pain. I am doing quite well this year with one notable exception where I again slipped into expectations and hurt feelings. 
Here is what is new. I felt myself contract and saw I was at a choice point. I could buy the old story and wail and gnash my teeth or I could just let it go. Yup, it took some concentration and commitment yet I was able to just let it go. We had a little party a few days ago and the love radiating throughout that evening left me glowing with gratitude.
Here's what else is new.  I am finally desiring to be productive and I generally have the energy to sustain it. The grand cross took me to my knees physically and left me frightened briefly for my own survival yet other than that, in general, I have more energy then I have had in a decade. The other pressing thing is I am so done with isolation and solitude. Yes, I need it regularly yet for ever more brief periods. I am chomping at the bit to get on with my passion and to live in community with intimacy and connection. There is a definite lag between my desire and my current reality so I must allow, allow, allow or else go mad with frustration.
I am also getting much better at releasing my type A spiritual "inferior" ego that had me on a constant fixer up self improvement project. I picked and tore at myself, never satisfied with my level of consciousness  judgmental nature, unkindness, etc. In the name of love I treated myself with hateful criticism and nagging, bent on constantly being more loving. Yea, pretty ironic but it took me eons to see it. I share this with the hopes that even one person might catch the rigged game and pull out, treating them-self with loving kindness instead. Yea, pretty crazy to try to be more loving by constantly picking at oneself but there you go; that has been the game I played for decades. What a relief to give it a rest!!
Those are my postcards from the edge. I am enjoying having people from bank clerks to dance instructors to sales assistants ask me what the hell is going on. Let's me know that  now pretty much everybody recognizes we are not in Kansas anymore (Wizard of Oz reference meaning life as we have known it is becoming a thing of the past.) Hope you are managing to navigate these crazy times and feel the blessings coming from these upgrades. My most precious gifts are a general sense of peace and neutrality (yes, they are still accompanied by scattered moments of torment.) Joy and happiness still elude me yet fortunately I have learned to accept what is and stick with my story that all is well.

Reading the below helped me understand the fluid nature of these times and come to greater peace with having no clue where I am and what is up. Perhaps it will help you too.

The issue of Frequency is important, for each Timelines emits its signature frequency, and you can be pulled out of your own frequency or desired frequency if you allow yourself to be entangled in the frequency of someone whose narrative and frequency do not match your own or what you aspire to. Or, initially, you may be in frequency resonance and then the frequency may change as the Spiral develops and as more participants enter. At this point, you will have to choose whether to stay in the Time Spiral or Jump the Spiral to something else. Many people have found recently that quite suddenly they face the end of relationships or jobs because of this type of sudden loss of resonance as the Time Spirals lose connection and focus. In the past, when we were all more or less on the same frequency and Time Story, it was not so noticeable, but now as we become empowered and able to initiate and shift Time Spirals, we can immediately feel and see this phenomenon. Instead of being upset, we should possibly see this as a mark that our Time Creations skills are improving as we follow of Story and our Dream in the right direction, allowing nothing and no one to pull us from our own Time Spiral and Frequency...

...When the Light Body is activated, the center of balance moves to the Heart and the Thirteen Chakra energy system includes access to the Higher Dimensions and the Cosmic and Galactic Spirals or Time Spirals. You have access to Cosmic Creation Codes and you are initiating Time Spirals from the Center of Compassion and Love. The Energy signature of such Time Spirals will be Love and Creation and a more graceful and infinite relationship with Time Creation.

The activation of the Light Body will also enable you to shift and jump Time Spirals both individually and as a Group. This is an important skill as it enables "teams" of Light Warriors to enter Timelines and Time Spirals to raise their frequency and shift their direction to harmonize with the direction of Evolution of the Earth within the Galactic Community. Group Time Spiral jumps are authorized by the Galactic and Solar Councils in consultation with the Earth Keeper Council and the Council of Elders. We have just experienced such a Jump in the last few months, as teams of Light Warriors jumped Time Spirals in order to shift frequency.

Initially this is not easy. The Physical Body suffers a form of electromagnetic "shock" or distress, which some have termed "ascension symptoms". This is not about "clearing blocks" as such, it is about allowing your body to recalibrate to the new frequency so that you can accomplish your mission on this Time Spiral. When you enter into a different frequency, using your "Time/Frequency Recalibrator" in your Pineal Gland, your body takes quite a frequency hit, and unless you are grounded and strong you will experience physical distress. This can include dizzines, nausea, anxiety, depression, lack of sleep, ungroundedness, loss of memory and feelings of being alienated and lost. When you are aware of what you are doing, you can "land" in your new Time Frequency and get your bearings pretty quickly... we become aware of the power and empowerment of our new multi-dimensional Body/Light Body Complex, we will realize more and more how we can shift reality and fine tune frequency by developing new narratives that will define our lives in new ways.

In order to do this, we have to be willing to release and let go of the old stories. This will include most of the belief systems that defined our lives before the 2012 portal and which were pushing us towards the "Timeline" ending in catastrophe and disaster. We have to be willing to release our need to define ourselves as "victims" and allowing ourselves to be manipulated by those who are adept at tuning in to the shadow energy by turning our focus to violence, fear and poverty. We may discover that some of the people we thought of as "lightworkers" may in fact be working with this frequency because they have been urged to see the world as a place of conflict over limited resources. The shift will be to embrace the idea and concept of the ability of empowered Conscious Creators to focus the Diamond Light of Galactic Power and create an alternative and higher frequency reality.

LOVE, pleasure, body, earth, YES!

And that is why the other thing you would have to imagine to get a glimpse of the world in the times of the Sexual Priestess is a world in which everyone felt love.  A world in which absolutely everyone had felt love coursing through them, felt truly loved, and knew their essence was love.  Imagine.
Because what these Priestesses shared most, sometimes with their bodies in the unique way each Priestess might choose to express this, or sometimes with their feelings, words or other expressions, was indeed pure love.  They were fearless with their love, and masters at reawakening people to love when they had forgotten it, again so thatevery human on the earth had the chance to feel loved.  Even if someone’s family or any other intimate relationships had seemed to lack true love, these women gave people a human embodiment of the love available to us at all times.  They made it bodily.  They made it earthly.  They were transmitters and love incarnate.  While they lived as instruments and musicians of this love, none who had access to them could forget the love within themselves, and everyone had the chance to heal in the all-consuming, warmly bathing, incandescent glow of that ineffable beauty.  Love wasn’t just an idea.  It truly was a verb.
Certainly we are all love incarnate.  And certainly every gender has the ability to share and transmit this love.  It is simply that at that time it was most needed through the feminine and in female expression, just as it is most needed now on the earth, once again.
We are meant to be the radiant embodiments of love that we truly are, and women and those of us on the more female side of the gender spectrum especially at this time are meant to be examples of this so powerfully again…shining on everything around us like a shower of golden petals trails behind us.  And not just to give and give in ways that may or may not serve us, but to give only in ways that light us up inside and make us overflow with joy.  It is the overflow of our joy and pleasure that is the most potent transformational force in our world.  I know it’s scary.  I know you know how life has been asking you to open to love, and everything it has brought up for you…I know about those most primal fears that were created to protect you long ago when loving from that place of power became dangerous and “shameful”.  But it is that love that opens every locked door, to every wonderland we have ever dreamed of.  It is that love that opens to the door to the realization of our heart’s greatest desires, and will do so for others around us…

1.  Reconnect to pleasure
I mean really feel it.  Unapoligetically.  And really seek it.  And really allow yourself to feel worthy of it, and as if it is a non-negotiable, as if it is a birthright…because it is.  It is the serum, and the bloodline.  It is the hidden door.  It is the path and the passage.  It is the wild freedom you crave.  It is saying yes to finally walking through the land of punishment and denial, the ruins of your past pains, and yes…perhaps crying…but walking onward through them anyway with the faith, sometimes almost spent to nothing, that something else is waiting for you.  It isn’t just meditation, or ecstatic visions, or something you find after twenty years of hard work overcoming your humanness while sitting in a cave and relenquishing all desires.  It is rose buds, and laughter with someone you love, and soft skin to skin, and baby lambs in the spring, and warm fires, and cookies and good books and long sighs and deep cries and full moons and breakthroughs and heartaches and new hope and sunsets and starting over and starlight.  It is the thousand moments that might capture your heart in a day if you broke open, and let pleasure back in.
I know you have to essentially go through the fires of hell to get to the place where you can allow yourself to feel the deepest pleasures sometimes, but that is only because you have been hurt, in this life and before, and you have to be able to re-visit those fears in some way to disempower them and reclaim your flaming heart.
To be clear there are just a few steps:
a.  Find the pleasure in your life (even if it just feels like a mere contentment once a day when you drink your afternoon tea…start anywhere you can.)
b.  Let yourself really feel the pleasure when it happens.  Focus on it.
c.  Repeat.  Notice other pleasurable moments.  Try to have more of them.
When they lead to through challenging lands, let them.  And let the growing healing balm of the pleasure you have been charging yourself with help carry you through.
2.  Reconnect with your body
Reconnecting with pleasure will help you do this.  Because when you feel any kind of pleasure it is registered in the body, (not just obvious pleasures like sexual experiences, but even the pleasure of reading a good book translates to the body.)  When it is a pleasure to be in your body, it is easier to love your body naturally.  If you have been in pain for a long time, think of your first movements toward pleasure as tiny sips of water after having been in the desert for a long time, or tiny sips of air after holding your breath under water so very long.  They will grow.  And if at first you have a hard time finding pleasure at all, start with relief.  Start with the things that give you even the slightest relief…like a warm bath, soaking your feet, or cuddling into soft pillows.  Laying down.  Not pushing yourself.  Crying.
Welcoming the animal of your body truly back into your life is a radical and beautiful process.  It requires the willingness to meet it slowly, like any animal that needs your love to heal, and grow strong again.
And then, or now if you already have a strong relationship with pleasure and your body, it takes the courageous step of putting your body first, as often as you possibly can.  That’s when your animal body, your Nymph-self, starts leading your life.  And that’s when the miracles truly begin.  Yes, she will take you places you never imagined, and are currently afraid to go, but she will also take you all the places you haven’t even dreamed of going yet, and want with your whole soul’s thirst.
3.  Reconnect with the earth
When you can let pleasure move through your animal body and be led by this, as the voice of the whole of your experience and beauty, you need just one more thing…to be able to be in the flow of earth energy too.  If you restrict your connection to the life force of the earth and nature, you limit the amount of support you have, and the strength of the connection you feel to all life.  To be The Sexual Priestess you are within, you will need that current running through you at all times.  It will keep you centered, and your life force will never diminish.  It is pure nourishment, and like connecting with pleasure or the body, it is not a one time event but a practice…something you return to again and again.  Something you let yourself feel.  Something you creatively seek and interact with, continuously.
Some days you might connect to this energy as one might imagine…standing barefoot on the earth or spending some time watching the ocean waves or walking in the woods.  But sometimes you might connect with this energy (as well as pleasure and your body) through dance, connecting with your animal friends, or in countless other ways.