Sunday, May 11, 2014

feelings and needs, a family requirement?

Few things on my mind today. First I want to mention a huge aha and give Matt Kahn a huge hug of appreciation for tying up some puzzle pieces for me yesterday in this discussion on the angel academy. I have been experiencing a lot of frustration at the snail’s pace my purpose/ work seems to be moving forward. No matter what I do, it doesn’t seem to get off the ground. I realized myself there are several reasons for this, my previous lack of energy to sustain any prolonged attention and action and a need to stay neutrally in non attachment regarding what unfolds. Yet this was still the source of my greatest energy drain, the doubt that anything would ever happen, that I would always be limping along trying to make ends meet and wishing my energies/ passion would reach a wider audience. Yesterday he described everything I am experiencing as the limbo state where we switch from personal to Divine will. BINGO. The minute I heard that it clicked. I must say for me it is easier when it makes sense. I so get that that is what is happening to me. I have been trying to MAKE things happen. That is not the new 5D way of the world. I still don’t grok what IS the way yet I now have such peace that this limbo state of continued partial isolation and frustration is incubating exactly what is needed to move from personal/ make it happen will to Divine/ let it happen will. Last night I slept better than I have in months having returned to a state of trust and acceptance.

The other thing on my mind is feelings and needs. I have been watching this one for awhile with interesting results. So I have been witnessing what happens when people expect things of me or I expect things of them. It increasingly seems to end in a no win situation. Year’s ago my husband/wasband  had decided I needed to choose between celebrating my birthday or mother’s day because they are in such close proximity and my daughter is following in his footsteps. He actually changed his mind yet she has not. Last year when I got nothing because my daughter didn’t feel like it, I pitched a shit fit. This year I swore she needed to pick me a flower, make me a card etc. if she cares about me. On one hand I could see how absurd my demands were and how unsatisfying it is to have someone give you something with reluctance. I knew it was all stemming from my not yet completely healed wounds and STILL I felt ENTITLED to having this basic need met. Hey, I studied non-violent communication and it is all about feelings and needs right? If you don’t want to meet my needs, care about my feelings, why should I be in relationship with you? But what if it is a particular need and it comes in the form of a demand, then what? Who ever wants to meet a demand? Yet how much of the mother’s day celebrations are authentic and how much rote custom, reluctantly given year after year. I noticed how joyfully my daughter gave me flowers on Easter perhaps because I have zero expectations. Several people asked me how I would spend mother’s day and I told them my family’s rule about choosing to celebrate one thing or the other. Each one was horrified and felt sorry to me, adding fuel to my self righteous little fire. Yet I can see in myself that I never respond well to expectations. So I feel myself bounce back and forth, she should care and give me something, just a handmade card. She should do nothing because she is in reaction to my demands and, like me, she hates to be controlled. Last year the should won out. This year I could have compassion for that need in me that arose a few days ago thinking about mother’s day. Yet luckily by today the fire had died down and I was satisfied to get what I expected, basically nothing. Would love other’s experience with feelings and needs. What I am coming to witness is that needs keep me trapped, even preferences have glue to them. When I read that a few years ago, that eventually in the name of total freedom, even my preferences would go I was like no way jose. How empty and boring would that be. Yet now I see how spacious and free that is. I imagine I will still have things I enjoy and desire. They will just no longer come with the chain of expectations or attachment.
Ok this is hysterical. Our bunny keeps trying to force me to pet her. When I stopped petting her just now, trying to concentrate, she jumped up on the chair I am sitting on and pooped on me. She is demanding I pet her, gotta love it!!

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