Friday, May 9, 2014

joyously celebrating the field of love

Yesterday I had a truly miraculous experience. This last birthday was a major one and while for the most part I felt loved, adored and cherished a few things triggered my old wounds. The way I had received my particular conditioning was to make it the day the world had to prove to me I was loved. The reasons why don't even matter except to say I have spent decades releasing this trigger from my nervous system. I sailed through the few blips that arose in my nervous system and thought all was well. Until the following day when I was celebrated in the loving fold of my sacred dance group. I am still a wet noodle from the fallout of the profound release the day afforded me. Entering that field of sacred acceptance and love allowed me to dive into (hopefully) the root, ground of that wound. Despite  well wishes worldwide from so many people, the fact that I did not hear from either remaining member of my family of origin was a ripping sadness to me. As soon as I got in the room with these gorgeous women of my dance tribe, the tears began to flow, scraping off the scab and allowing my deep grief to surface for all the ways my family was incapable of loving me and I was incapable of loving them. I curled up in the fetal position and allowed the anguish to have its way with me. Surrounded by so much love gave me the foundation to troll the bottom depths of this wound. Instinctively I knew exactly what to do to sooth and comfort myself. I rocked, pet myself, ran devoted hands tenderly over myself. I felt the women behind me holding me in their tender embrace. I was soothed by their support and dove ever more fully into the remaining dregs of this torment. I had no feelings of shame or embarrassment at my(what my daughter would call and be humiliated by) public grief. Given my professional training, I was completely aware that I had struck a line of energy, a resonance that was now available to be restored to wholeness. I knew what a blessing such an opportunity is, the absolute opening to retrieving my own sense of belonging. I knew I would be a fool to pass this opportunity up. So I waded, swam, dove, tread, immersed myself in my heartache. I allowed, allowed, allowed. My instincts guided my every move, knowing precisely what would be the most loving gesture in the moment. While I could not see or hear what the women behind me were doing, I felt absolutely held in a love wave that gave my inner child the additional support she needed to face this monster down once and hopefully for all. Even in the moment, I was able to witness the profundity of the healing. It was a perfect storm of suppressed pain. The music our beloved teacher Natana had chosen was the ideal accompaniment to my emotions. One song in particular crested me to the wave of sadness, asking me to give voice to my sorrow. I allowed it to unfold in its own exquisite timing. Interestingly, the whole process did not even feel painful in the way I use to experience moving through grief. Even in the moment there was a sense of release that lightened the sadness to a gentler wave of moving energy. Slowly a new feeling emerged, a spaciousness, an emptiness, an arising. I felt moved to join the dance, to look into other loving eyes, to join hands and circle each other, to mirror another's movement. A joy and light began to unfurl, emerging from the hummus of my heartbreak. I felt so much lighter, gliding with angelic wings lifting me from the revisiting of childhood torment. I also was very much aware that the certainty of my mother's love, expressed in the only way she knew how, was what had kept my heart intact enough to emerge now from the badlands of my childhood. Here, in this moment, the pain was gone, the sense of not belonging, of being separate. I knew it was my courage, my commitment, my tenacity, my own love that had fueled the healing. Yet being held in the group energy was the catalyst for the transfiguration  I felt such love for these women, so much appreciation for their thoughtful cards, gifts, flowers, tender gestures and loving glances. I felt within the core of my being how different the planet would be if we all could be bathed in such love and acceptance. The vision of this new earth was clear in my mind's eyes and I KNEW,  I KNEW I had the strength and the courage to keep moving toward that vision. We took a photo of ourselves and I can see the light shining so brightly from so many eyes. 
The icing on the cake was pulling an angel card telling me I was safe now. The light flowing from the angel's open heart was further confirmation that I had crossed the threshold I have yearned for all my life, the territory where I feel safe enough inside myself to live with an open heart, allowing my vulnerability to be my strength. As we gathered for lunch afterwards I felt completely open hearted, no barriers or crevices within hiding from an unsafe world. I felt a joy ticking my insides and saw so much light within and without. A blanket of exhaustion did nothing to dampen the rejoicing, the certainty I had arrived in a new territory, held by the fluid grounding of my own heart. I send a triumphant hearthug to Natana, Wendy, Judy, Beatrice, Connie, Snookie, Karel, Kevara, Juanita with so much thanks. Truly this will go down in my personal history as one of the days my life changed course, finding a new trajectory once again.
My theme for the celebration was "I am joyously celebrating Divine imperfection, diving into the unifying void." I declared myself in front of these witnesses, swearing to give up this ridiculous quest for perfection, this heart wrenching endless criticism in the name of some impossible spiritual perfection. 

Still need to complete this but wanted to publish at 2:22. I am still in wet noodle mode after all the catharsis  I am also imperfect and so is this post and that is ok, more later when i get back!!!
(The photo and the angel card I pulled as part of the ritual are below.)

Fun, now updating at 4:44. So, I felt myself ground deeply, sending the roots of my new commitment tunneling into Gaia, into the earth. I am no longer willing to judge and criticize myself or others, using the excuse of improvement as the carrot for such cruelty. I am no longer willing to forgo the pleasures of being human for some spiritual quest chasing the holy Grail. In this moment I stand my ground, radiating love from my open heart, knowing who I am, where I am is enough. As Matt Kahn once said separation is the distance between where you are and where you think you should be. I am closing that gap. Sure I have lots of fantasies about my ideal life. Yet I am no longer willing to bludgeon myself to get there. I am joyously celebrating my Divine imperfection, diving into the unifying void. Come on in, the water's fine.

and a post I just read that speaks to me:  the power of the equinox, March 21

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