Saturday, May 24, 2014

happy for no reason

I continue to enjoy the major shift I underwent a few weeks ago. It is delicious! Can you imagine, after weeks of barely being able to stare into space I was able to be productive for six hours straight?! The miracle is I had no story about not being able to do hardly anything productive, while that non productive state lasted. (Now that is a sentence, good luck figuring it out.) Space staring was a wonderful occupation. This new inner state is so accepting, so serene and slowly, so joyful!! Now joy is not an emotion that has not been much in my repertoire, basically ever. So I am certainly enjoying the joy.
I am also noticing ease in my body. I just completed a five day fast to cleanse my bladder/kidneys with accompanying teas and tonics. It was so amazingly easy. I did not feel hungry!! I also notice my body does not feel the heat as it used to. It was in the low nineties yesterday and I could not believe it as it did not feel hot to me, this after years of suffering with the heat. I also know it is because I no longer carry much of a story about heat. I can feel the story is in there a tad but greatly reduced.
 I was about to write an ego driven email and immediately caught the inner discomfort that directed me to change course. I also love how I feel innerly directed to do something: last week it was get a massage ($20/hour and they are fabulous) and this week it was do the cleanse. Then I read that is the ideal thing to accommodate the energies. I was clearing out madly for the first two months of the year and then read this was the order of the day. I do not channel, I just get inner impulses. Yet I would never think to say hey kids, this is what is up. I am recognizing how I have dismissed and discounted my gifts, like this one. I also never considered myself a good writer. I  figured I just spit it out and let it be. Yet rereading some post I am amazed at how articulate they are. Yea for me! 

And now for something completely different. (I am sure I heard that on a TV show. Since I haven’t watched TV in about two decades, it must be old.) My relationship miracle. I am related to many people who are very successful in worldly terms, doctors, lawyers, a senator, humanitarians , etc. I always negatively compared myself to them. I saw myself as less than and was so relieved to leave the country for over five years. The charge disappeared until I returned for a few months after being gone for two years. Touching American soil I felt the charge of unworthiness again and cried. A few days ago I had the opportunity to restore my most challenging relationship to wholeness by claiming my own worth. Years ago I literally did a year long project to heal this relationship. The process was part of my Master's in Counseling Psychology ciriculum which made it even more significant that basically I failed to make much headway. Yet now I was able to speak to this person at length after years of estrangement  and feel so much acceptance of their way of life and no sense of comparison or unworthiness. I honored and blessed this person's path while celebrating my own. I had rewritten my definition of success about 20 years ago yet I could not fully own it. By my definition I have been successful for a long time. I have marched to my own drummer as they say. I have devoted myself to one thing, embodying and extending love and been like a pit-bull on a pork-chop with it. Man, am I tenacious. And I have finally arrived. I have passed through some gate, a doorway. I feel GOOD, I feel HAPPY for no reason. I am officially stating it here cause I know my life is going to change. This morning I had tears of joy as I connected to the energy field of my beloved partner. He must be getting close as I felt him so clearly. I feel abundant even though I have not been poorer in over two decades. I feel external/worldly success on the horizon. Yet NONE OF THAT is the reason I feel happy. I feel happy because I love and accept myself exactly as I am now; overweight, little income, few real friends, rather isolated, no partner, little success getting my work into the world. I am stating it officially NOW as later it would be easy to say, of course she is joyful. She has everything. Yup, it is in my field although it has not yet arrived. None of that is why this joy bubbles up inside. It is ALL about the love I feel for myself. My beloved friend Sara seems to have passed through a similar doorway and already has miracles arriving at her door. Whoopee, what a ride!

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