I am a bit more functional again. Words seem to be arriving. I will not even attempt to share all that has occurred yet I would love to touch on the highlights. I have gotten several emails wondering what is up. So here goes the Cliff note version.
My birthday always sets a lot of energy in motion. It raises the question if I will still seek external love as I did in the past, waiting under the Christmas tree, counting my presents, knowing on that one day that I was surely loved. I have worked with this charge literally for decades and it is much diminished. Yet I must keep my wits about me not to come unglued. So I had a very sweet party and a lovely dinner on my actual birthday. Then the miracles of May 9th ( see blog joyously celebrating the field of love) occurred and I was able to give myself love and acceptance in a way I never had, to commit with passion to stopping the chain of pain, to refuse to judge myself, see myself as unworthy, be constantly in fix it mode. I grieved the loss of love I did not experience as a child, despite my assurance my mother loved me. I grieved not hearing from any of my family of origin. I cherished and comforted myself, allowing the pain to wash over me in waves. And then I rose in celebration, knowing something major had unfolded. I even said I bet I will now here from one of my relatives. It turns out I did get a call but because it went to my cell phone which I seldom check, I did not realize it until yesterday. Everything was arising for the perfect storm of conscious awakening. I could see the perfection as it unfolded.
On Saturday I listened to Matt Kahn’s angel academy. He spoke about the period when one shifts from personal will to Divine will. He described the exact state I have been in for some time, feeling isolated and lonely even though surrounded by loving people, feeling bored, stagnant, not moving ahead in any significant way despite numerous efforts. Yup, yup, yup. With this information, another layer of self judgment floated away, the why am I going nowhere fast judgment that was underground no matter how much I wished it away. This was perhaps the last sticky judgment. (Just to add, he says the antidote to this state is to ask yourself the question, what happens when I stop moving forward, stop trying to move forward.)
So Monday I was on ThinkwithyourHeart.com. As usual I was on my theme about my life long desire to embody love and Lauren graced me with this response,
“you are a lot closer to this than you "think" you are. In fact, I would argue that you are "there" already...your mind just didn't get the memo yet I can't speak for anyone but myself but I feel your love as palpably as your ache to embody it...the challenge, for all of us really, is in feeling worthy enuf to turn that love inward and direct it at ourselves. And BTW, your ability to BE exactly as you are...to bear witness to the ways you are imperfect, without judgement...IS self LOVE embodied. It's in the acknowledgement that you are not broken, and so there is nothing to "fix", that our true perfection emerges. This full moon should be very enlightening for you in this regard! ♡”
Who knows why, the key turned and the door opened. I realized I had already arrived at this long held vision. I had misunderstood what embodied love would look and feel like. It was like the first few times I had an orgasm and didn’t recognize them as such because they did not fit the description I had read! So when I read her words I realized I was THERE!!! I had arrived at a destination I had envision from time immortal. I had imagined when I arrived I would never doubt myself, never feel unloved or lonely, never feel uncertain. NOT! What has changed is that these feelings arise, I witness them and then they pass away. I do not grab on to them, form an identity around them, judge them or myself or TRY TO FIX THEM OR MYSELF!!! THIS IS
So a new peace and freedom has arisen in my life. I have felt significant loneliness, uncertainty, lack of movement. I feel unable to accomplish much. I felt the unloved wave wash over me despite later having one of the most loving days of my life. I could just allow it to be in the moment, allow it without making meaning out of it, thinking I was defective, needing to change anything. There is such spaciousness around whatever arises. It usually passes very quickly and my immediate fall back position is to begin to love myself, to say loving, cherishing words, to sooth myself and adore myself regardless of what is happening.
So that is the story, simple yet profound. My next adventure is coming back to being human. Can’t remember if I wrote this before or not yet I came to the realization the first half of my life so far I indulged and enjoyed the human side of my life, the second have I became TYPE A spiritual obsessive. It is now time to bring these two sides into balance yet for now the words have run dry so I will say goodbye, being such a poet. So much love my darlings.
P.S. I LOVE WHEN I SEE WHAT POST OTHERS ARE READING. I AM OFTEN AMAZED WHEN I REREAD MY OWN WORDS AS I SO FREQUENTLY FORGET WHAT OCCURRED. WHEN I REREAD THIS ONE I HAVE SO MUCH COMPASSION FOR THE WOMAN I WAS, SO OVERWHELMED AND FEARFUL. I FEEL SO MUCH GRATITUDE FOR THE LEVEL OF PEACE I KNOW USUALLY EXPERIENCE. MIRACLES HAPPEN.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2012
diving deep-postcards from the edge (POST I REREAD)