Tuesday, April 29, 2014


My Beloved friend Sara is doing LoveLight transmissions. Here is the link if you'd like to join in the delicious energy.


also benefited from this UTube:

Monday, April 28, 2014


Some time ago I tried to instal a donation button here but was unable to. My wasband helped me get one on my new web site. I am mentioning it here as I would be delighted if an any of you who are perhaps long time readers and may have benefited from reading my blog feel moved to donate. My sense is that finances and money are going the way of the dinosaur yet until that time, cash seems to appear rather necessary to live. I have devoted myself to the task of embodying love and encouraging others in this pursuit. Thus far the cash flow involved in this task has been rather minimal. I am incredibly grateful that I have been able to make it while remaining devoted to my mission. I would be tickled pink if any of you are flush enough to donate joyfully. Big hug of appreciation for perhaps even considering it.
much love

Sunday, April 27, 2014

retiring the quarterback

While last week was grueling, I can already feel the subtle shifts that have resulted. I  generally notice tremendous peace. For a while now, I rarely feel afraid. This fearlessness is now even more noticeable. I rarely get charged, feel anxious or out of balance. This last week I sailed through a major drama in neutrality yet noticed immediately when later irritation arose, watched the effects of that irritation begin to snowball and made different choices in minutes. I did get caught in judgment and did not catch it for a few hours. Yet I felt/feel no self judgment about that.
This is the biggest shift. I now see how I have had what Matt Kahn calls an inferior ego. This inferior ego was on a constant self improvement plan. About a month ago, I clearly recognized an interior  voice that was never quiet. I had witnessed it before yet never caught how critical and cruel it was. On some level I suspect I believed it was actually serving me by "improving" me. I spontaneously called it the quarterback. I just looked that word up to make sure I had any understanding of it as I am not into sports.  A voice that is constantly calling the plays. Actually, it is not really accurate. More than calling the plays, it evaluated the plays after the fact, a constant commentary keeping score. So sportscaster would be more a more accurate name."Two points for being kind" but more often "Look how thoughtless you were there, can't you do better?" "How can you be so judgmental?" it would say judgmentally. "Can't you do stop that, you know this is not right." Or the double sammy, "You're supposed to be conscious, that's a laugh, look how contracted and nervous you are! Shape up!" 
When I really heard that voice and identified it as so harsh and condemning, it gave me pause. When I shared that voice with my dance group, they all nodded in recognition and I felt so seen and accepted by them. Yet shortly after, the voice returned judging me for spoiling the birthday celebration we were having. OUCH! Yet now I have been noticing how the observer in me is aware when I am off center, charged, contracted but it is now mere observation without the critical admonishments plaguing me. I am aware if I am being judgmental, I see how it brings me pain and that is it. No internal commentary keeping score, damning me to hell. I guess my Catholic conditioning is really finally beginning to fade. I no longer view myself as a constant self improvement project. 
How lovely to have the awareness to shift choices that no longer serve me without the constant background noise of that critical voice. How peaceful to give myself a break when I do react from ego. How inspiring it is to see that all I ever studied about ego and peace is accurate and attainable. It is good.

Friday, April 25, 2014


this is my experience and it does feel good!

The Benchmark of conscious action is noticing how often you are able to act from a space of peace, and interact with others in a kind, compassionate and loving way, regardless of how they act towards you. If you find yourself moving through life from this space, more often than not, it is a clear sign of how aligned you are with the light of your soul. If not, it is an indication that you are living in a state of imbalance, where the identification with roles, responsibilities and attachments to outcome distorts your ability to recognize spiritual evolution as the central theme of life’s eternal play. To rectify this imbalance, it is essential to make time for yourself on a daily basis. In the absence of any distraction, time can be set-aside to slow down. In doing so, the loving of your own heart can help you come to terms with old wounds and allow you to transform your reality from the inside out – one “I love you” at a time. As this occurs, you’ll be able to see how true heartfelt enjoyment has nothing to do with the outcomes playing out. Instead, enjoyment is more so dependent on how peaceful and loving you are – no matter the circumstances that come your way.

Matt Kahn

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

forgiveness and allowance

The Way of the Heart is not a way of gaining power. It is not a way in which you will finally be able to make the world be what you want it to be. Rather, it is that pathway in which you learn to transcend and to dissolve from your consciousness every perception, every thought, which is out of alignment with what is true. . . .The thought of guilt is out of alignment. The thought of eternal life is in alignment. The thought of perfect fearlessness is in alignment. The thought of peace is in alignment. The realization of innocence is in alignment. The thoughts of joy and of forgiveness are in alignment and reflect the Truth that is true always.

Therefore, I learned - and learned well - that forgiveness is an essential key to healing. The opposite of forgiveness is judgment, and judgment always creates separation and guilt. Judgment will evoke a sense of guilt in the one that has been judged, unless they are perfectly awake.

For to forgive means to choose to release another from the perceptions you have been projecting upon them. It is, therefore, an act of forgiving one's self of one's projections. Each time you forgive, you take yourself deeper into the purity of your own consciousness. You begin to see how profoundly you have been coloring and, therefore, affecting all of your relationships, through the simple act of not being aware of the power of projection.

Projection is an act of trying to get rid of what you do not want to own within. It is the effect of the denial of truth. Projection colors your brother or sister with the very energies that you would judge within yourself. How can you begin to break the pattern of projection? How can you allow the bridge of forgiveness to be built? It is actually quite simple, but it will require your commitment.

Forgiveness allows the spaciousness within your consciousness to grow. For when you look upon the thief that has broken into your home and say, "I forgive you," you are decreeing the opposite of what you have learned. You are decreeing that nothing can be taken from you of any value. You are decreeing that judgment is the opposite of what you want, and it will cause you to feel the opposite of how you want to feel. You are decreeing your power to perceive differently. You are, therefore, healing yourself.

Therefore, to practice forgiveness actually cultivates the quality of consciousness in which you finally come to forgive yourself. For when forgiveness has purified the mind and the heart and the emotional field of your own being, you will discover that you exist only to extend Love.


Forgiveness is the bridge that links you to the soul - the essence - of your brother or sister. Forgiveness is that bridge that when cultivated will allow you to see clearly. Not just the energies that another is expressing, but you will literally be able to see what events seemed to cultivate that soul's belief that they must act in that way to survive, and what perceptions have led them to feel justified in their inappropriate behaviors. You will see it as clearly as though someone had drawn a picture in front of you.

Imagine then, a society in which the prevalent legal view is simply that your brother or your sister is an aspect of yourself. And if you would help yourself, you must help them meeting each cry for help and healing with forgiveness, love and support. Can you imagine, for a moment, what it would be like to live in such a society? How would it be different than the world you see?

If you would have these things be different, it must begin with you. For the way to heal the world is not by seeking to change what is on the outside, but by first changing what is on the inside. When that change has occurred, you will become a conduit for an energy that knows how to use your gifts, and how to place you in just the right situations. And a great power will work effectively through you - the power alone that knows how to heal your world.


Forgiveness is another word for allowance. . . . In allowance, you cultivate the very quality of forgiveness. Without forgiveness, it is impossible to awaken into the realization of the Truth that is true always. Allowance is sweet above the taste of honey. For allowance is that realm in which miracles can finally begin to occur.

One who cultivates that ability to allow is cultivating, in truth, the very act of forgiveness. It is releasing the world from its insistence that its perceptions be held as right. It is releasing from itself the need to hold on to its perceptions. Therefore, allow all things. Trust all things. And thereby, embrace and transcend all things.

Beloved friends, there are many of you that have come to taste the truth of what I am to say. Allowance is the greatest of keys to the Kingdom. For allowance requires a rescinding - slowly, patiently at times, painfully at times - of every perception you have ever held of everyone and everything. It is the descent into complete recognition of your ignorance, a complete recognition of your joy-filled dependence on the corrective power of the Holy Spirit.

Remember that forgiveness has nothing at all to do with saying to another, "I can see that you have sinned, but I forgive you your faults." No! Forgiveness is the recognition that nothing has been done to you, and that you would prefer to see the face of Christ in the one in front of you.

And that in complete forgiveness, in which you recognize that there is nothing to forgive, you are absolved completely. (A Course in Miracles)

Easter celebrates resurrection. . . . Upon this Easter or whenever you read this, recognize that you have the power to celebrate and accept your resurrection as the living Christ by seeing beyond the boundaries of death, loss, fear, hurt, anger, projection, and the perceptions upon which projection rests. You are the one who has been reborn when you choose to remember only loving thoughts.

To forgive is merely to remember only the loving thoughts you gave in the past, and those that were given you. All the rest must be forgotten. . . .(A Course in Miracles)

I say unto you, you can, because everything is present. There is no such thing as past and future, there is only now. So when you have that thought or that memory, it is coming to you for a very specific reason. As a soul, you are learning about forgiveness and how to undo the effects of your previous choices. And so it is being presented to you, yet again, that you might make a new choice.

When that old memory comes, stay with it. Look at it. Recognize how judgment worked at that time. And then say to that person or that event:

I judge you not.
I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have created.
I embrace you, and I love you. I free you to be yourself.
I bless you with the blessing of Christ.

Then see that image or that memory begin to gently dissolve into light, until there is no trace of it left. And be done with it.

Forgiveness is the key to happiness." . . . What could you want forgiveness cannot give? Do you want peace? Forgiveness offers it. Do you want happiness, a quiet mind, a certainty of purpose, and a sense of worth and beauty that transcends the world? Do you want care and safety, and the warmth of sure protection always? Do you want a quietness that cannot be disturbed, a gentleness that never can be hurt, a deep, abiding comfort, and a rest so perfect it can never be upset? (A Course in Miracles)

All this forgiveness offers you, and more. It sparkles on your eyes as you awake, and gives you joy with which to meet the day. It soothes your forehead while you sleep, and rests upon your eyelids so you see no dreams of fear and evil, malice and attack. And when you wake again, it offers you another day of happiness and peace. All this forgiveness offers you, and more. (A Course in Miracles)

Your loving brother,
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      The Way of Mastery

off the cross?

For me, Easter is the day that felt like a crucifixion physically. It was one of the worst physical experiences of my life with extreme heat, chills, nausea, intense pain, pounding heart that felt it would blow out of my chest and so on. Monday wasn't much better yet I was able to sleep through most of it and miraculously wake up for a client and then to facilitate a group. I had tremendous fear about pulling it off yet miraculously felt better for those brief windows. Yesterday was better yet still very painful and I slept much of the day. Today is better still. I am sharing this as many I speak to have experienced similar things and I do not think it is a flu. Hang in there darlings, behind all this shit there has to be a pony!

Sunday, April 20, 2014

OMG I did it!!!!!!!!!

I just took a   H U G E leap of faith and published my own self generated web site. It is not nearly as I wish but it is good enough and I had promised myself to publish on Easter. I actually stopped working on it for months and just threw a few things together to get it done late last night. I had given up the idea of publishing it today until i got the urge to just do it! I published it at 1:13 p.m. today, Easter. Three years ago I did a ritual to end my marriage on Easter. This leap of faith feels filled with so much rebirth and resurrection so I had to do it. Give it a peek and see what you think and know it is a love in progress. Hold it gently and know it is sent with so much love.


celebrating resurrection


May the energy of resurrection fill your hearts and may you be soothed by the knowing huge transformation is afoot. We are being blasted with solar flares and huge astrological events so it is not uncommon to feel pummeled physically or emotionally. Know all is well and that you are loved.


Friday, April 18, 2014

coming off the cross

Today is named good Friday by Christians and honors the crucifixion of Jesuha/Jesus. It is a day of tragedy, awaiting the good news of life after death. For me, this is particularly symbolic this year. As I am sure you have noticed, the energies are rather intense. The full blood moon/lunar eclipse Monday to Tuesday affected me very powerfully physical, to say the least. I was not a happy camper. I was on a spring break mini vacation which was less than ideal timing. I felt extremely crushed by the energy, sad not to be able to enjoy the first days of our vacation. With nausea, bone pain, headache, extreme bloating, freezing followed my intense burning radiating volcanic heat, etc. Combine this with a trip to the Monterey Aquarium on a packed Easter break day and we have a mix made in hell. I was ready to dive into the shark tank head first to avoid the wall to wall people. Luckily all eased with a perfect day afterwards. Hours combing the beach for shells, sunny and warm after endless weeks of fog, breathtaking views on the drive to Big Sur, quiet lunch with no crowds and literally awesome views, a delicious birthday purchase. I married on a cliff in Big Sur with fog descending as we married, so perfectly symbolic of what unfolded. So on this day found the same spot and did divorce ritual there, feeling so much love for my still husband Georg. I felt serene and blissed.

I had gone from days of crucifixion to days of resurrection. This seems to be the times. Darlings, be gentle, take it as easy as possible, keep a rein on your temper, trust, surrender.  Know that with these times we are all being given the chance to come off the cross. Know you are lovable, loving, loved.

helpful news from my friend Katrhleen

No Victims--Only Opportunity For Soul Growth

Dear Friends,                                                                                                         
Are you feeling the intense energies this April in your life?  The second half of April is filled with even more intense energies! Astrologically we have two eclipses coming up as well as a Grand Cross.  All this is explained in the astrology section.  The important thing to remember is how you respond versus react and that we influence the Heavenly bodies as well as they influence us.  The importance of being centered and not going into fear. The great news is… if you have been doing your work with your shadow etc. then this could be an opportunity for taking some quantum leaps in your life.

In this newsletter I share my experience of realizing there are no victims and learning to establish boundaries in relationships.  What may appear to be difficult or not what you want can be the very thing for your soul’s growth and evolution.

No Victims--Only Opportunity For Soul Growth
“You can’t always have what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need,” Rolling Stones.

Our Souls Growth:                                                                                                    
This great song by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards reminds me of an important point.  Our soul’s growth is what we need, our spiritual evolution.  Sometimes it’s very painful, sometimes not pretty, but ultimately, we become more of who we truly are.

I woke up from my dreams the other morning with the thought that all the evidence we can physically see can make us believe we are a victim.  But that is not true.  Power over others, greed, starvation, sexual molestation, taking over countries and cultures and war – the violence makes us forget.  The truth is we are God/Goddess – Divine; living this 3D experience.  We have our original song of life even if we have temporarily forgotten it.  There is no “them”.  We are all one.  There is no “other”; it is all we.

A Tendency to Shine by Adyashanti:       
Because of an innocent misunderstanding you think that you are a human being in the relative world seeking the experience of oneness, but actually you are the One expressing itself as the experience of being a human being.

It isn’t about attaining, accumulating, degrees and experts, outside of ourselves or hierarchal.

There is no victim:                                                                                                  
WE created this dream and we get to wake up from this dream. That is it –that's how there is no victim.  We created this.  We are the ones “doing it” and the ones being “done.” All time exists at once.  Our consciousness that we are aware of is localized in a body in a point of time.  With our eyes we look at our body, our hands typing on the keyboard, our stomach hungry and growling and we see “self”.

Look at the image of a V – our attention in our consciousness in the third dimension is at the bottom where it is very narrow not expansive like at the top of the V with further dimensions. It is also like a particle and a wave.  It is interesting that when doing scientific experiments with waves and particles that just the attention of an observer can change a wave to a particle.

Dr Quantum: Wave particle duality and the observer!
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So here we are on Earth in a body and we see, we observe ourselves as a particle, separate.  And yet we are connected to the whole, like the drop of water and the ocean.

Accepting that all is perfect even though it may not appear to be so.  There are no mistakes.

Our gifts can be hidden in our shadow 

I realize with my former husband I drew in a man who was strong and had no trouble exerting his power and his boundaries and stepping up as a real leader empowering others in the workforce.  I am a strong and adventurous woman in many ways.  I walked 480 miles solo on the Camino de Santiago across Northern Spain. I went on a solo pilgrimage in Israel and Palestine, it was much shorter than the Camino but with poor signage and huge barrier walls with barbed wire and machine guns and getting lost it was a bit more intense.  Vision Quests or living alone in nature - No problem! 

My particular fear has been around my voice, and really being seen. So I hid behind and served a man that had no problem showing up in the world.  That was my shadow.  Our shadows aren’t just the negative things we shove down; they are also the positive gifts we have that we aren’t ready or willing to own, so they show up in the people we call into our lives, until we are ready to embrace those gifts ourselves.  That disowned part is still our self, who we are.

Healing core wounds                                                                                            
We also call in people who hold energetic resonance of old wounds and patterns that are deeply buried from when we were very young.  For example, I remember once in my 20’s someone not paying attention to me or hearing me.  I got so angry.  Far angrier than what was called for.  The next day I randomly picked up an article and read about how when we get angrier than the situation warrants, it usually goes back to a core wound from early childhood that has not been resolved.

I once had a relationship in my life where we were both very wounded from our childhoods.  In this relationship I felt like one foot was on the gas pedal and the other was on the brake.  There was always some underlying fear, but still there was another part of me that couldn’t stay away.  Not only were we working through things from our early childhood, but also from many past lives together.  Although this relationship was in many ways painful for both of us it provided the path to dark crevices into childhood that I would never have been able to easily access.  Several people he introduced me to would also play a painful part of remembering deep wounds.  Through the remembering, I was able to bring what was unconscious up to consciousness to be healed and released.  Eventually a feeling of lack of trust in this relationship, and with the help of a healer, I was able to turn completely away.

Holding healthy boundaries                                                                                 
In both relationships a key theme was my inability to hold boundaries and as a result of that I was always over giving.  There was not balance in the relationships. For many years I blamed and had the belief my former husband was squashing me-- he was too powerful, too controlling, he held me down… until one day I realized I squashed myself. I chose him and called him into my life so I could learn and see what leadership and owning my power could look like.

I recently had the realization that I came into this world as a being of great compassion and empathy.  I was always the one people came to when they needed someone to truly listen with their heart.  There were many times in grade school I would stay in at recess to help other children in the class who had learning challenges.

My heart was wide open like the ocean.  I would attract people into my life that had no problem exerting their boundaries, even people who pushed or trespassed over my boundaries.  I had many years of saying yes when actually; I really wanted to (but could not) say no.  I wanted to be liked.  I cared what others thought of me more than valuing myself.  Being infringed upon, I have had to learn boundaries.  Not being very skilled in that area, when I set up a boundary to make sure I would be able to keep it I unconsciously did so by becoming closed-hearted with that person.
To me a boundary with an open heart is like a picket fence versus a 10 foot concrete wall
My edge now is having strong fierce boundaries where needed.  Letting my strong fierce nature out!  Now I am being very clear about what my boundaries are, and I’m learning to do it with an open heart.  It doesn’t mean I need to be friends.  I realize there are some people who aren’t your friends.  And that's OK.  I don't need to be friends with everyone.  But I do choose to keep my heart open even when it feels scary to do so.

I also realize that although I haven’t always gotten what I thought I wanted, I have gotten what I have needed--to grow and evolve into my truest self.  I also know there are no victims; everything is an opportunity for the soul to grow and for consciousness to evolve.

Monthly Meditation: Releasing being a Victim

This guided meditation has been designed to work with this newsletter and to help you let go and release being a victim in your life. 
Meditation: Releasing Being a Victim with Kathleen McIntire
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New Moon and Full Moon Updates

Dear Friends, today we have far more thanusual in our astrology section.  I am including both the New Moon AND the Full Moon Updates by Pat Liles.  I am also including some tools from astrology Stephanie Austin for navigating these time as well as a short YouTube video by Shamanic Astrologer Cayelin Castell.  Here is to the evolution and transformation of each one of us and to our planet at this time!!
Click Here to Read Pat's Aries New Moon Update (PDF attachment) 

Click Here to Read Pat's Libra Lunar Eclipse Update (PDF attachment) 

From Stephanie Austin, astrologer:

"We have reached a major tipping point. Beginning with the next new moon, which forms on March 30 at 10º Aries, the following four weeks provide almost nonstop opportunities for pivotal revelations, shifts, and breakthroughs. A precise grand cross involving Pluto, Uranus, Jupiter, and Mars, combined with two eclipses, signals that we have reached a critical crossroads, both personally and collectively. To harness this huge wave of energy, rather than being buffeted by it, it is vital to stay centered, grounded, and in touch with our inner guidance. Beware of impulsiveness and impatience; respond rather than react. Hold ‘Beginner’s Mind;' remain curious, open, and willing to be surprized. Choose and move from love rather than fear. Remember what Gandhi said when asked what he did when he was too busy to meditate; he said: “I meditate twice as much.” It has never been more important to frequently take time out, or more precisely, time in, to check our spiritual compass and align with our higher self, so that we can use these transformative tailwinds to move us forward, rather than feel blown sideways. Where in your life are you ready for a quantum leap?

Grand Cross survival tools:

1. Clarify your intentions. What are your primary goals now? 
2. Question old beliefs; they may no longer be true, or never even true in the first place.
3. Notice what triggers you. What is the real issue? What needs are not being met? 
4. When stressed, take slow, deep breaths and a few drops of Rescue Remedy. 
5. Have compassion for yourself and others; we are all on the edge of a new frontier. 
6. Be grateful for everything; our greatest challenges often become our greatest blessings.
7. Ask for help; your guides are always on standby. 
8. Discover the power of silence; turn off your cell phone, TV, and Wifi whenever possible.
9. Simplify; clean out closets, cupboards, and clutter.
10. Move your body; walk, dance, do yoga or some kind of physical activity daily.
11. Spend as much time as possible in nature.
12. Do what brings you joy." 

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Sunday, April 13, 2014

free energy

Now this is worth getting excited about, free energy:



My understanding is that it is the contrast that tickles us to wake up out of our limited sense of self. Our souls created a scenario to apply the least amount of pressure possible to wake us up. When one is in the process of awakening, it is very challenging to trust the process as it can appear to be,  feel like endless hell. Therefore faith and trust are integral ingredients for this ride. I wish I could send a direct energy transfer to each of you about the certainty I now KNOW of the value of the awakening.  SO I WILL, FEEL IT? I have zero doubt now. Of course it is not like rolling off a log. The biggest obstacle I witnessed in myself and still see in others is resistance. As long as one is kicking and screaming, there is not the space to connect to the awakening. I know this sounds like the advice we read in my daughter's survival kit which suggested not to fight if the bear ( I think it was a bear) starts to paw you, just remain circled up in a ball without reacting. Yea, thanks for the advice! I know it ain't easy yet surrender is vital to the process. I surrendered BIG TIME March 2, 2011. Yes, I was pushed absolutely to the breaking point until it felt like surrender or cease existing. Perhaps you will choose to let go sooner. The pain and suffering have diminished steadily from that point. Still  have some pain yet suffering is now rare. I see where I am head and mine eye is single so I move with grace lifting me. May grace fill your eyes too beloveds so you feel yourself being lifted by angel wings Home.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

feeling the shift

I am guessing many people are feeling the fiery energies of transformation bathing the planet. My daughter's tutor, the women at the bank, my NIA dance teacher, other dancers and some random people have been asking me what is up. I know the energy can be intense so remember it is to restore us to wholeness. Move slowly, say your I love you's, embrace yourself and others in compassion and love, move your body, spend time in silence in nature and hang on to your hats...

Thursday, April 10, 2014


In the 3rd dimension, the universe responds to what you think. In the 4th dimension, the universe responds to how you feel. In the 5th dimension, the universe responds to what you say and act out. To work on trying to change your thoughts and feelings keeps you spiraling in the 3rd and 4th dimension. Yet, when you bring consciousness to what you say and how you act, no matter what you think or how you feel, then your thoughts and feelings are given permission to spontaneously change on their own.www.truedivinenature.com

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

endings and beginnings

My spouse and I did the disclosures today for our divorce. It went more smoothly then I could ever have imagined. Afterwards he took me to lunch. There is still such a tenderness between us. He will always be family. I am sharing this as I am proud to be part of a new paradigm where the word divorce does not conjure up images of fighting, revenge, anger. We had a number of belly laughs. The circle is completing before starting in a new direction. Our divorce will be final in September. 

I deeply respect and appreciate my husband/wasband. I am so grateful for the numerous gifts he showered me with for so many years.

I also want to share some wonderful news. Tonight he won second prize (and some cash) at an art show juried by a curator from the Crocker Museum in Sacramento. Last year he won third prize, the only artist to win both years. This year had over a hundred applicants. I am so proud of him.

Here is his information:



forgiveness/ neutrality/ freedom

So much is shifting internally for me I find it difficult to begin to try to capture it in words. I recognize how I often begin each morning sending internal messages to my Love wave about all my new understandings and realizations. I hope you are catching the waves!! I will see if I can get one of them into material words.

The energy for a week was bone crushing for me. I know now that signals major download/transformation and I just need to hold on to my hat while it is happening. While the waves use to be basically continuous, now they tend to last a week. I was at the tail end of one when I went to the dentist to return an electric toothbrush head that did not fit the brush. I had hesitated buying it as I found them expensive. Yet the staff persuaded me I could not live without them. The woman at the desk said she was unsure she could refund the money as they were opened from the plastic container. I said yes, that is how I found out they did not fit. I was already in a bad place before I arrived and I could witness my energy escalate to a surface level politeness hiding a roiling mass of upset and irritation. We went round and round with this argument and then she said she'd ask the manager and get back to me. I left the office in tears! Now this use to be not uncommon but lately this is very rare so I asked myself what was up and had compassion for how raw I felt. I went to my sacred dance where we were celebrating someone's birthday. Everyone with one exception seemed quite happy. I perceived them as  dancing with abandon and joy although I recognize I did not really know what others' internal experience was except for one woman who clearly offered she too was not in the best place. . My dance was inward, slow, fragile. I held myself with tenderness and fear, fear that the intensity would continue for long, that I had little control over how long the waves last, overall sense of being so done with transformational energies. At one point I curled up on a blanket and wept with self compassion, with grief for how difficult everything felt in that moment. Yet something fundamental shifted in me. I truly felt compassion almost exclusively rather than the toxic mix I previously use to bath myself in, compassion intertwined with self judgment for being spiritually off the mark, exhibiting my spiritually Type A personality that I use to think would save me but now realized was holding me back.

At the end the facilitator asked if we had anything to share. I held back a bit and then let my sadness flow out in words and tears. I spoke of the intensity, the sadness, the grief, the tears over toothbrushes. I was held with such tender care. I spoke of the constant commentary in my head giving me black marks for being spiritually inadequate and occasional high fives for busting through an old pattern (more on this in another blog). Everyone was so kind and understanding and shared they often feel the same. Tears of tender self acceptance by now were pouring from my eyes. I loved myself through my grief and tears, but really! The sharing about my words were so warm hearted and beautiful, freeing. We moved on until I felt my inner commentary come up with a black mark for spoiling the woman's birthday celebration. Luckily I gave voice to this self judgment arising again. The woman whose birthday it was offered me the most precious present by telling me my authentic self was the best gift she could receive. With those words, some remaining self judgment/need to be what I evaluate as spiritually perfect washed away in a flood of tears. I felt such profound compassion for myself and all of us vulnerable, tender, dear human beings.

I had two opportunities to witness how major the internal shift was from this. The next day I was in the car with someone when time pressures made it difficult to get everything done. So I mapped out how we could pull it off when the person leaned into me and screamed into my face as I was driving. I felt nothing in my body! This use to be one of my deepest triggers given my conditioning, to be yelled at. I FELT NOTHING BUT COMPASSION wondering what was going on for the person that they would yell so. I immediately knew how to be with the situation and only offered them forgiveness and understanding. The energy shifted immediately and all was well. 

The next day I was playing a game and one of the players shoved a card in my face, twice. The first time I allowed it as I knew the increased energies were producing crazy behavior. The second time, again with no internal reaction, I ended my participation in the game and calmly walked away. I blessed the situation while sitting outside gathering peace around me like a blanket. I then returned and the energy was restored to harmony. There is something so wonderful for both the giver and receiver of such acceptance. No words were need in this case as the "lesson" was obvious. All that remained was peace.

I felt called to look up my black moon and found this from Oracle report; certainly dovetails with what I am discovering experientially:

  1. Black Moon in Libra
    Theme: The Shadow of Perfection
    Primary Fear: fear of loneliness/isolation
    Self-judgment: personal “flaws” are harshly judged
    Issues: perfection; unrealistic expectations; boundary issues
    Projection: criticism of others, particularly the criticism of how things appear
    Goals: to not have to have things be perfect, to be comfortable being alone, to see gray - not just black and white, to not be judgmental
    Black Moon in Libra values impeccability and holds everything and everyone to a high standard, especially oneself. This shadow involves pursuit of the “ideal” and keenly feels the separation from spirit. The Black Moon in Libra manifests in intense self-judgment and fragmentation of the self into pieces that are either acceptable or unacceptable. This shadow breaches boundaries and sorts through everything in an attempt to perfect it. It seeks excellence. This results in an unending series of disappointments and can form schisms in relationships. Maintaining any semblance of perfection is exhausting for anyone, but with the Black Moon in Libra, we often find ourselves complaining about being tired or not having enough time. Indecisiveness and self-deprivation are also characteristic of this shadow. 

Healing and Transcending:
With the Black Moon in Libra, the need to judge must be faced. This shadow is strongly connected to the journey through the judgment of the Underworld and subsequent rebirth in a whole new way (see Chapter Five on the transits of the Black Moon). It is actually a journey to find what is truly of value. When we are able to see that love is truly the only thing of value, we find inclusion instead of separation. We begin to love all of the parts, not just some of them. When we understand that everything is connected, we see that the fear of separation is an illusion. Healing the shadow of perfection is about seeing our own (and others‟) inner perfection by allowing the “ideals” of the outer, material world to fall away.
  1. ø  Assess your values. When you find yourself being critical of others, ask yourself if you dislike that same thing in yourself. Examine how you separate yourself from other people. Is there a need to keep some part of you distinct from others? 
  2. ø  When you find yourself being critical, find something valuable about the situation. You might not feel like certain things about you or others are perfect in appearance, but you may find that they are highly valuable in functionality. By practicing finding value, the shadow that believes in the idea of perfection is healed.
    Black Moon in Libra: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Benito Mussolini, Tupac Shakur, Nikola Tesla 


diving into pain body

below is the answer I gave to someone in my circle on mastering Love regarding diving into the pain body. Many excellent free videos are available from Eckhart Tolle on this subject.

As I give your question about the pain body further thought I realize I did not answer completely. On our own I believe it is much less likely we can get into deeper energy then we can handle. Retreat/workshops stir up the energy and allow one to enter more deeply, overall that is the beauty of them except when it isn't.:-\ What I did not emphasis is that given the powerful nature of these times, as I said before, this journey is no longer optional in the sense that our ability to create is so magnified and will continue to increase. This works in both directions to increase our joy or our challenges, given where our focus and attention are. Therefor in my experience it behoves us to take whatever steps are necessary to clear our own inner toxicity. So much is available for free to help us. In my experience, it is vital we do what is necessary to free ourselves from the bonds of ego and restore ourselves to our true nature as love. I have devoted my life to this task which is why i offered the circle. It is also my experience that as each wave clears themselves, it is that much easier for those that come after. In other words, it will be much easier for you then it was for me or others who have already cleared the deepest part of their shadow. As you suggested, some of the easiest and best techniques are saying the I love you's and slowing down.
godspeed on the journey,

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Saturday, April 5, 2014

good news from Panther

I wanted to update those of you sending good wishes for our cat Panther. She is sitting beside me in this moment, kneading me with her claws. Since she is extremely shy and skittish, she seems fully recovered. Yesterday, I wanted to take her in to the vet but time constraints did not allow it. I guess she got the message time was short and has staged a miraculous recovery. Thanks for all your support. I am also gaining good clarity about my web site. Big hug of gratitude and Panther sends her love.

* photo at bottom of page


if you think you own something, it owns you

matt kahn

Friday, April 4, 2014


I am having a hard time writing my experience down right now. This post does a good job of describing what I am noticing and experiencing:
Energies of April - Jennifer Hoffman

and this one too:
April '14 Energy Update - Hope Van Vleet

and a hopeful look at April's energies:


“Sorrow prepares you for joy.
 It violently sweeps everything out of your house,
 so that new joy can find space to enter.
 It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, 
so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. 
It pulls up the rotten roots,
 so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. 
Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart,
 far better things will take their place.”



My experience with sugar is so intense I feel called to share. My dear friends at our local restaurant decided to gift me with a very large dessert. It was delicious and I hate half of it, nothing to what I could have socked away before. That night I was up for two hours in the middle of the night unable to sleep. I also was starving and had to have a 3 a.m. snack. If I had not cut out sugar primarily from my diet, I would have no clue how powerfully it is currently impacting my body. Since these times are already intense for me physically, I am determined to be more vigilant in an entirely non judgmental way to keep my sugar consumption way down. Maybe experiment by cutting it out then reintroducing it to see if it knocks you out as much as it does me.

at ease

Today may there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you.  May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."
unknown author, possible Saint Theresa

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

choppy waves

For me the energy is very erratic. Things that normally roll of my back feel very uncomfortable. The energy in my body feels tense, edgy, very uncomfortable and arose basically out of nowhere. I write this in case you too are in choppy waters. The anticipated energies for April are highly transformational which doesn't always come with a great level of physical or emotional comfort (she said as a major understatement). Don't be surprised if you are all over the place, like our weather. Yesterday snow and sleet, today gorgeous, sunny and clear. I am needing to keep a very tight rein on my emotions as they are directing me sometimes to argue, fight, be right, judge, blame. I thought I'd seen the backside of these behaviors so it is an unpleasant surprise to see them around for another visit. I am taking deep breaths, going outside for a pattern interrupt, praying for support not to unleash negative, charged reactivity. So far I am generally succeeding but it is requiring strong mastery. Hang in there darlings. Do your best to keep your focus on your desires and let the rest melt away.

Important time for impeccable self care; here are some of my favorites

* spend time in nature
* take hot baths with mineral or epson salts to ease the body
* move the body! dance, yoga, swim, walk
* let the emotions flow through tears, shaking, sounding, seating
* meditate
* move extra slowly, lower your voice and slow it down when you feel charged
* take deep breaths before speaking in any charged situations
* take time outs for yourself when charged so as to be able to respond rather than react
* use ritual to create a feeling of containment
* call in guides, angels, ancestors, God, ascend masters for support when in freak out mode
* smudge yourself
* increase saying I love you to yourself out loud in times of stress
* say to yourself when something challenging arises, "this is happening and it is leaving"; don't get stuck in story
* get body work done; we have several local Chines massage centers where a "foot massage" is actually the whole body, is an hour and is only $20
* shift your energy by reading a good book or watching an enjoyable movie

where am i?

So much is in flow, shifting and transforming, I find myself writing little blogs in my head with no motivation to write them down. Part of it is I am busier than ever with classes, clients, preparing for my divorce yet more of it is all is shifting so quickly to try to capture it in words seems counter productive right now. I can say this. After initially being annoyed and frustrated yesterday when my conscious parenting class got canceled due to snow, creating scheduling challenges, I ended up sitting in front of a fire for about five hours, doing paperwork, getting my information ready for my divorce (a task I previously loathed) and being incandescently peaceful. Now that is a miracle. Know I hold you all in my heart.

loving this from Karen Bishop:

The most direct route to finding your way is to forget where you’re going. www.truedivinenature.com