Friday, October 28, 2011


Congratulations- we made it! Twenty-six billion years of evolution contained in each of you. Each of you is a masterpiece. And to all those fear mongers with their predications of disaster, happily I can report, so far, so good. My understanding is that there has been such a shift in consciousness toward unity and the Divine, that a lot of the disasters have been averted. The planet will shift to God consciousness and we get to choose whether we do so after being hit over the head with a baseball bat or if a little tickle is enough to get us to transform our consciousness. ENJOY and celebrate the end of the Mayan calander. Now on to the 11:11:11 stargate!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

transforming the ego's most cherished gift

I have planned this blog in my head for many months yet now hesitate to write, knowing the impossibility of even beginning to put into words what has happened to me and what I have learned in the last two years. Yet I literally feel called to write this, in the hopes that it may support perhaps just one person in reaching Love with greater understanding and ease. I feel driven to share my experience in the hope that someone will read my words and feel less frightened, less alone, more loved. I hesitate to share this as it involves others yet I feel compelled.
I meet my husband twenty-four years ago today. Two years ago, less one day, our marriage blew up. A half a year ago, plus one day, our marriage ended on Easter. I chose that day to release myself finally from my vows with the hopes that the day would give me the strength to believe in resurrection. To cut the ties that have bond us all these years was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My husband had already gotten clear and released himself yet this was the day we both were in agreement our marriage was over.
The reason I feel compelled to share the skeleton of this story is because of what it taught me and how my life has changed. Both my husband (now "wasband") and I  find love to be the only thing that makes life truly meaningful. Our quest for love has fueled both our lives. Our lives together forged a bond of friendship and family that felt almost impossible to break (and, as it turns out, we have chosen NOT to break). Yet some years ago I came to the realization that I was not in love with my husband. This created years of agony and soul searching yet I received inner direction again and again to stay. Two years ago my husband broke through to his feeling center and realized that he was no longer in love with me. In that break down, he opened up to so much and I found myself falling back in love. The year and a half that followed are unspeakable in their pain and torment. My husband was absolutely single minded in his pursuit of discovering a true love to make his life worthwhile and joyful. In that pursuit, everything from his past fell away. And that is why I am choosing to share this. Because this was the atomic blast that it took for me to release my commitment to what the Course in Miracles calls special relationships, the ego's most revered gift. In special relationship we seek someone or something outside ourself to make our lives fulfilled, meaningful. I too was dedicated to this belief until this occurred. For when my husband had his breakdown and lost his belief in everything that had previously made his life meaningful, he let go of everything and everyone from the past, including of course me, but also our daughter. He could only involve himself in this search for what might lead him to love. This was the wake up call I neeed. This catapulted me to the realization of what I have done in the name of love, of how, for love of one, I have been cruel even hateful to another or even to the one. I can not say with words how the foundation of my life was shaken, the anguish and tears as my very identify crumbled. I recognized how cruel I had been to my husband when I believed I was not in love with him, how I blamed and shamed him. I woke up to all the ways I had pursued love in one person to the exclusion of others. I felt the pain of that exclusion and understood in a radical way how much that disconnection had harmed me and others. I understood at the core of my being that this was the wound that would not heal until I found my way to unity consciousness, to inclusion. I became aware in my body how much it felt like poison when I exclude anyone or anything from my Love. I still have a lot of uncertainty how to live that Truth as I certainly do not chose to spend time with those I feel no rapport or alignment with, yet I am on the path of knowing inclusion and unity. This is what I have discovered so far.
I learned never to judge another, that if I do judge myself or another poison floods my body. I know now that the best way to remember who I truly am is to extend love to all that I encounter. I have woken up to the awareness that we can not possess another. I am recognizing more and more often that I have a choice to choose fear or love, panic or my I AM presence. I am learning a profound compassion. Clearing the blocks to love within has taken me to such dark places at times I feared for my own sanity. Love seemed a distant shore impossibly far away, leaving the sense that I would never truly be mySelf, that I would be bereft forever. Now when I see others lost in those swamps of self doubt, my heart goes out to them with such understanding and care. I know now, that for me, Love must be an inside job. I have spent my whole life seeking love outside and found that no matter how much I found or how passionate it was, it left a gap, a hole that could never be filled. To have something I was so sure of, that my husband would always be there for us, taken away overnight was such a shock that I had to reexamine all my beliefs. What I found for myself is that when I seek love outside myself, I lose my freedom by needing that love to always be there for me to be complete. I learned that in subtle and not so subtle ways I manipulate or shape shift to keep that love, since I perceived that love to be the oxogen that fueled my very survival. My wasband was very kind to me as we questioned our relationship and discussed over and over if there was any way to resurrect our marriage. At times I thought I would die or go crazy if he really left. Yet I find now that he is gone, I am absolutely clear it was and is the right thing, that our energies at this point do not merge in a harmonious way. Our friendship and sense of family has survived intact. I am looking at beautiful roses he left to welcome us back home after a trip, even though he moved out months ago. He too is finding his way and now is able to reconnect to us while staying true to his own path.
For the longest time, I thought my Truth should be his Truth. Yet the other thing I learned is that I have no clue what anyone else should do, or what their path is. Just because this is my destiny, no one else can share my road to freedom and joy. I can hardly believe the certainty I feel that all is unfolding in Divine order. I see so clearly that my wasband and I are so much better as friends and family than as husband and wife. I see that healing my core issue and belief that if someone leaves me they can take love with them, that without someone else's love, I am bereft of love has been the key that is unlocking the prison my heart has been hiding in for protection. This was one of the single most toxic beliefs that actually kept me separate from Love and from a knowing of my own wholeness, that  kept me a puppet. My road is still rocky yet strewn with miracles. I know that now, for me, I am looking in the right direction. I know where to find Love and how to keep it flowing. I have tasted again and again the delicious nectar of unconditional love. I have made so many loving connections with strangers and friends.  I sit here alone yet feeling more whole than I ever have. Ah dear friends, do these words touch you? Can you feel the wholeness I have found after a long, arduous and terrifying journey?

As I continue to uncover this internal source of love, I discover more love in my external world. While for now, my journey is still primarily internal, I foresee many loving relationships, holy relationships where we come together in wholeness to share the enormity of Love's power and joy. I trust my future to continue to grow in loving, holy relationships. I trust my wasband to find his heart's desire and that I can not say what that is for him. My task is to continue to uncover all the blocks to love inside of me and boy oh boy, are there plenty. Yet I believe that I have surmounted one of the most difficult obstacles of all- looking for love in all the wrong places. Happy anniversary Beloved. May our lives continue to flourish in love and friendship.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Hiring the Heavens and other tips


Wanted to share some tools that are supporting me in these most interesting of times.

I heard about the idea of hiring the heavens, hiring guides and energies from the angelic realms to help us with any challange. I was already doing it haphazardly and having great results. Yet since I started having committees, hiring guides for every situation I have had extraordinary results. I have a social director and my social life has never been better. Yesterday I was at an ecstatic dance night and experienced such wonderful energy. I hired a travel advisor and just got a very unexpected amazing deal on a two bedroom condo at some hot springs. I have tutors for my daughter (I hired Einstein but I am sure he might still have availability) as well as a cross country coach. I have financial guides, security guides, a web master etc. It is sooo fun and I get great results. I have a cook, exercise coach and so on. You get the idea. The book that got it started and I have finally read is called Hiring the Heavens.

I also just read a book called 2012: A Clarion Call. I recommend it for anyone who identifies with the words light worker, starseed, indigo, crystal or that feels they are deep in the ascension experience.  Another thing that has really helped with the physical symptoms of ascension for me is Total Amino Solution- 1-800-404-1065. I missed a day of taking them once and is was a very bad day- it helps balance our brains to all the shifts that are occurring, at least in mine and others' experience. I had a friend who wanted to die because she felt so tired and exhausted. For her, these were a miracle that saved her life.

 I just listened to a wonderful woman who is using a simple tool to pass on a high vibrational energy. I recommend listening to the hour long program and then getting her free diamond alignment video. 

I hope that will get you there.  Some quick tips- hope they help! 

Sunday, October 9, 2011

mayan calendar and children


We are three weeks away from the end of the Mayan calendar, a time frame that encompasses over sixteen billion years. It feels inconceivable. Yet, it is so. Believe you me, my tail is dragging a bit as I adapt to all the energy fluctuations bombarding us.

 I am noticing a revolution under way that I don't hear anyone writing or speaking about- the revolution of our children. These kids know their own minds and beings and are not afraid to speak out. Best as I can tell, we are medicating them, disciplining them but are we understanding them? Seems to me in so many ways we are missing the boat. I hear people try to force things on their kids. I do too when I am frustrated. That is a no go with these kids. They respond to true power but not to force. I hear parent's destroying their relationship with their children trying to force them do to do something- often homework. I hear the parents' and children's profound frustration and confusion. So much pain. I hear so many parents and teachers exasperated at the lack of respect these children show, or so they say. Yet what I am  noticing is that culturally we have made it O.K. to be disrespectful to our children. How often do you speak to a child in a way that you would never use to speak to an adult? I am sure catching myself in that one. These kids are powerful and they KNOW many things and will not be stifled. I am not saying there are not real problems, that parents and teachers do not have genuine, very legitimate concerns about respect,  I am just wondering if we are fully owning our side of the equation.

My eyes awoke to this uncomfortable truth gradually until a few months ago when suddenly the veil dropped and I saw more clearly. Life hasn't been the same since. They say children are our future and that is exciting considering the power these kids exhibit. I hear kids today are coming in with altered DNA; maybe that explains why they are so different from my generation and why the discipline and parenting practices used then fall so flat now.

What must it be like to have a parent who is only half there  if the parent is going through the ascension process as I am, wiped out by the intensity of light bombarding our planet. To me, considering all of what is happening, they are being very considerate and thoughtful overall. I know it is hard for me to keep up with my daughter's learning differences and the school. Now this is a vast understatement but somehow I don't know if it is going to fly to go in and explain, "I am a light-worker and have been undergoing a shift to becoming a fifth dimensional being. I experience huge energy surges in my body and thus often don't feel up to helping her with her school work. She is right brain dominate and so doesn't really fit the current left brain dominant school system. I am not sure the education system really fits these kids anymore so maybe a lot of the homework is not vital to these kids' future. Would you give us a pass until we get through the star-gate 11:11?" Now she is at a Waldorf based school and a lot of the curriculum is amazing and so relevant. Yet even here to me, a lot is outdated. I heard a tutor working with a student with "co-sign this and a-b/c to the 9 degree that"- what? does it REALLY matter as the basis of our education system?

Now, even for me some of this is so far out I can hardly grasp and believe  it. Even a few months ago I was sitting on the sidelines saying, yea, maybe. But after all that has occurred to me I can only say yes and amen. I can only give gratitude to the children for their patience and forgiveness for the wreck of a planet we are bequeathing them thus far. I can only pray and know that we are doing the best that we can to reach unity consciousness so that the future world will look radically different from the last sixteen billion years. I can only pray that my daughter can forgive me all the times I have strayed from love, especially when she was little and pure Love herself. I can only intend to forgive myself, seeing no error. Now that my energy has the same sensitivity it had as a child, I feel how wounding any expression of unlove feels. I can only forgive and intend to blast myself into the Love that is our true nature. What do you think, should we give the kids a break? Should we commit to bestowing a world that feels good and runs on love not greed and power? Yes we can.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

co-dependent no more

I woke up this morning and received an inner message to write about co-dependency. I have learned that to have the richest, most delicious life possible I am wise to listen to all inner messages so here goes.

I AM NOT CO-DEPENDENT ANYMORE.  For those of you who know me, this is such astonishing news it bears repeating. I AM NOT CO-DEPENDENT ANYMORE! Given the level at which this dynamic has ruled my life this is nothing short of a miracle. I recognize that I am not alone in having sourced love outside of myself. It seems a planetary epidemic, at least in the western world. (I don't know enough about the East to speak of it.) I have been aware of this charge in me and working diligently on it for over 15 years, really for my whole adult life. I remember my daughter going to kindergarden and having the visceral feeling that love was leaving my body and driving off. Ouch! This belief caused me so much agony over the last two years I mourn for the torment I experienced. Yet by diving into that belief again and again and again I have finally cleared it and it as though I have entered a new world, passed into another dimension. In this world I am free to say yes or no. I am free to go or stay. I am free to let others go or stay. I have more friends then I have had since college yet I no longer NEED them. I luxuriate in being alone (that has been true for a long time) and I relish spending time with others. I speak to strangers as long lost friends. I exchanging knowing glances of joy with people I have never met. I guess the reason I am sharing this is that this one seemed like it would never end, never heal, never leave me in peace. And this rainy morning I am basking again in peace. I know that most likely there will be more waves that will knock me hither and yon yet I no longer question if these energies crucify or resurrect (a blog I wrote in August where I was pretty convinced it was crucifixion). I know that this unraveling is bringing me ever closer to a constant remembrance of Who I am, of the Love that is my original nature. For now I have more than glimpses. I have hours and days. Whoa, what a ride!!!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


    In August something occurred that has changed my life. I have a refrigerator magnet that says ” I am one epiphany short of a paradigm shift.” Well this was the epiphany.
To get to this paradigm shift was not fun, in fact it was one of the most unpleasant few hours of my life in terms of owning my shadow. It began with a conflict with a family member and escalated quickly to defcon 2, just short of nuclear holocaust.  We were both convinced the other was totally wrong, outrageously mean and ruining the other’s life. I felt absolutely certain I was right and being grossly mistreated, that this behavior was inexcusable and adding immeasurable stress to my life. It got super ugly super quick. Expressing my outrage was like pouring gasoline on a bonfire. Please understand, I was absolutely convinced I was right and that my moral wrath was totally justified. The only thing that gave me pause and made me ask if there could be another way was the fact that I could see a chasm opening in my relationship with this loved one. It felt as though we were fast approaching a breach that would not be able to be healed. By now I was a fire breathing dragon and it took all my self control to rein in my rage but I did. I prayed to be shown another way. I made myself breath deeply and take a time out. I hired heavenly assistance to support me in shifting the energy. The energy did shift and we went on with our day yet the slimy monster was still lurking in the depths.
Well, big surprise, about a week later the demonic fiend arose in similar circumstances. Luckily it was in a public place so I can report there were no dead bodies. But my heart shut down like Fort Knox and I realized I felt hatred, HATRED!!!!! toward this person I profess to love. I sat with it for about 36 hellish hours. For perhaps the first time I was willing to fully face and observe this horror within me. At this point, I was still convinced I was right and the other person was an unreasonable sadist. I could not see any other way to view the circumstance but the energy was so uncomfortable, I was finally willing to sincerely ask to see it differently. My prayers were answered almost instantaneously as another family member explained to me what he perceived was going on. When he explained it, a lightbulb went off and the epiphany resulted in the life altering paradigm shift. To say I was stunned is putting it mildly. He gave me vision and altitude to see the situation completely differently. I was able to see the other’s point of view, I was able to see how unkind and really vicious I was in the way I stubbornly insisted on my way of perceiving the dynamic. I could see the other’s extreme frustration and pain. I have tears in my throat as I write because the ground dropped away from me and I realized how often my categorical certainty has been based on blindness, on only seeing from my vantage point. I had to eat my own darkness and it was a very unpalatable meal. Like how they say you see your whole life reviewed at the moment of death, it was as though I had a panorama of my self righteous blindness parade before my eyes. I could not believe how obtuse I had been. How could I not have seen the other’s pain? How could I be so utterly convinced I was right? The self loathing that arose was almost unbearable. Ugh! It was as though these gruesome sludge energies had been lurking in my unconscious wrecking havoc without any awareness on my part. My life has not been the same ever since. How? First I had to forgive my own behavior, see myself as also being one who was crying for help. As Course of Miracles says, everything is either an act of love or a cry for help. Now I see that sincerely in myself and others. When the shit hits the fan I am no longer able to blithely point my finger. Instead I must catch myself to ask how I am projecting my own goo outward, what part I play in the drama, where is my responsibility? When I can do this completely and honestly, usually the dynamic shifts before it even gets uncomfortable. I ask for assistance to have the vision to see the other’s perspective. I repeat to myself over and over “innocent, innocent.”  This is pure Way of Mastery and A Course of Miracles. After over two decades of study, the concept of forgiveness finally dropped to my heart, out of my brain. I saw that when I judge another, the poison immediately surges through MY bloodstream. I SAW that everyone is doing the best that they can. I SAW that it is another’s wounds that I am dealing with, not some strategic attack on me. I SAW that attack always hurts me and results in counterattack and the overpowering sadness of having to experience my own heart closing. I SAW how this was one of the biggest obstacles to embodying my life’s deepest desire, unconditional love. Holy, moly, how had I never seen this before. Now this doesn’t mean I don’t set boundaries or that I become a doormat just so I am not judging, not at all. Yet I find when I drop the judgment, my life unfolds with such grace everything seems to effortlessly fall into place.
Now, I am guessing none of this sounds too fun. And sure enough it is not. Yet here is the kicker. Guess what awaited me when I had finally owned all of this. A life altering openness arose and has lead me to delicious feelings of joy, love and bliss. My heart opens to a breadth of love I have not previously known. It as though the world is bowing to my new awareness and offering me priceless treasures. I feel such a connection to everyone and everything when I am in that state. Bliss arises with lacy fingers of grace. The world sparkles with a new delight. In other words, it is all worth it. So let those slimy monsters do their thing and surface as quickly as possible. I am ready, willing and able (at least on a good day) to transform the little darlings.  Bliss, here I come.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

peace beyond understanding


A quick note. The energies are quite intense as I am sure many of you are feeling. I have so much I want to write about and two longer blogs floating through my head but find I am not able to write in detail. We are in the ninth and last wave of the Mayan calendar blasting our way to unity consciousness. There are just six days left of the final night of the long count that has lasted thousands of years. We are on the home stretch- hang in there. I have begun to actually embrace (sometimes) and welcome these fiery energies as I realize they are rocket fuel of transformation. I am alternating between bliss, a profound peace I have never known and hellish constricting energies. Last night I experienced a peace truly beyond what I ever could have imaged. I sat with a fire I had built (not my previous expertise), a glass of amazing port, Tarot cards and a good book followed by a hot bath with bath salts of heartsong and tranquility, gazing out my window onto an empty landscape, alone and feeling all one. I had such a sense of completion, of love, of mySelf. Before you get jealous, it has already begun to slip away a bit yet I know it will be back because I know it is who I Am, who you Are. We have just a short time until the end of the Mayan calendar October 28th. From there until December 21, 2012 my understanding is that we will continue to experience windows and portals of profound transformation to fifth dimension unity consciousness. I am noting that those who were in my group of shape shifters who experienced one of the first bone crunching energies of healing and release are now coming out of the tunnel and a new wave of people are just passing into it. Which ever group, if any, you are in, have faith and trust. My mentor assured me in August that I was about to pass through and begin to live a life that served as an example to others of what is possible and help give them the courage to go on. I would have slapped him if he were present (it was an email) because I was at the end of my rope and almost in despair, so exhausted and weary I felt I could not take another step. He was right! I see it now and know it has all been worth it. I have burst of such unconditional love, such a heartfelt feeling of connection with even strangers, such joy that I know it truly has been worth all the anguish, terror and despair. Yes, when the killer energies hit me as they did just last Wednesday I do tend to run my story, "I  can't take it. I can't handle one more second of this vise squeezing the life out of me, compressing me, freaking me out of my bloody mind!!!  %^%$%&&^*E$%*)*()&(^&*^**" That last one was one of the worst and luckily I have learned to hire the heavens- the name of a book and a whole other blog- who came to my rescue and gave me the space to just be with those diabolical, fiendish energies.  Oh yea, trust me I wasn't singing about unity, I was cursing and ranting, screaming enough!!!!!! But my heavenly friends carried me through my depression and flu like symptoms, gave me a smidgeon of faith to hang on till it passed. Well, my darlings, my little note has turned into a love letter. I truly feel such love for all my unseen friends out there in Malaysia, Germany, Austria, Canada, Russia and the good ole US of A as well as all the rest of you who are checking in to my experiences. Perhaps one day we will meet and talk about how we survived these planet altering times as great heros of the revolution from a planet based on greed and suppression to a planet filled with love and unity. We are the ones we have been waiting for and we must all do our part to make it happen. Armageddon or utopia? the choices is ours.