In August something occurred that has changed my life. I have a refrigerator magnet that says ” I am one epiphany short of a paradigm shift.” Well this was the epiphany.
To get to this paradigm shift was not fun, in fact it was one of the most unpleasant few hours of my life in terms of owning my shadow. It began with a conflict with a family member and escalated quickly to defcon 2, just short of nuclear holocaust. We were both convinced the other was totally wrong, outrageously mean and ruining the other’s life. I felt absolutely certain I was right and being grossly mistreated, that this behavior was inexcusable and adding immeasurable stress to my life. It got super ugly super quick. Expressing my outrage was like pouring gasoline on a bonfire. Please understand, I was absolutely convinced I was right and that my moral wrath was totally justified. The only thing that gave me pause and made me ask if there could be another way was the fact that I could see a chasm opening in my relationship with this loved one. It felt as though we were fast approaching a breach that would not be able to be healed. By now I was a fire breathing dragon and it took all my self control to rein in my rage but I did. I prayed to be shown another way. I made myself breath deeply and take a time out. I hired heavenly assistance to support me in shifting the energy. The energy did shift and we went on with our day yet the slimy monster was still lurking in the depths.
Well, big surprise, about a week later the demonic fiend arose in similar circumstances. Luckily it was in a public place so I can report there were no dead bodies. But my heart shut down like Fort Knox and I realized I felt hatred, HATRED!!!!! toward this person I profess to love. I sat with it for about 36 hellish hours. For perhaps the first time I was willing to fully face and observe this horror within me. At this point, I was still convinced I was right and the other person was an unreasonable sadist. I could not see any other way to view the circumstance but the energy was so uncomfortable, I was finally willing to sincerely ask to see it differently. My prayers were answered almost instantaneously as another family member explained to me what he perceived was going on. When he explained it, a lightbulb went off and the epiphany resulted in the life altering paradigm shift. To say I was stunned is putting it mildly. He gave me vision and altitude to see the situation completely differently. I was able to see the other’s point of view, I was able to see how unkind and really vicious I was in the way I stubbornly insisted on my way of perceiving the dynamic. I could see the other’s extreme frustration and pain. I have tears in my throat as I write because the ground dropped away from me and I realized how often my categorical certainty has been based on blindness, on only seeing from my vantage point. I had to eat my own darkness and it was a very unpalatable meal. Like how they say you see your whole life reviewed at the moment of death, it was as though I had a panorama of my self righteous blindness parade before my eyes. I could not believe how obtuse I had been. How could I not have seen the other’s pain? How could I be so utterly convinced I was right? The self loathing that arose was almost unbearable. Ugh! It was as though these gruesome sludge energies had been lurking in my unconscious wrecking havoc without any awareness on my part. My life has not been the same ever since. How? First I had to forgive my own behavior, see myself as also being one who was crying for help. As A Course of Miracles says, everything is either an act of love or a cry for help. Now I see that sincerely in myself and others. When the shit hits the fan I am no longer able to blithely point my finger. Instead I must catch myself to ask how I am projecting my own goo outward, what part I play in the drama, where is my responsibility? When I can do this completely and honestly, usually the dynamic shifts before it even gets uncomfortable. I ask for assistance to have the vision to see the other’s perspective. I repeat to myself over and over “innocent, innocent.” This is pure Way of Mastery and A Course of Miracles. After over two decades of study, the concept of forgiveness finally dropped to my heart, out of my brain. I saw that when I judge another, the poison immediately surges through MY bloodstream. I SAW that everyone is doing the best that they can. I SAW that it is another’s wounds that I am dealing with, not some strategic attack on me. I SAW that attack always hurts me and results in counterattack and the overpowering sadness of having to experience my own heart closing. I SAW how this was one of the biggest obstacles to embodying my life’s deepest desire, unconditional love. Holy, moly, how had I never seen this before. Now this doesn’t mean I don’t set boundaries or that I become a doormat just so I am not judging, not at all. Yet I find when I drop the judgment, my life unfolds with such grace everything seems to effortlessly fall into place.
Now, I am guessing none of this sounds too fun. And sure enough it is not. Yet here is the kicker. Guess what awaited me when I had finally owned all of this. A life altering openness arose and has lead me to delicious feelings of joy, love and bliss. My heart opens to a breadth of love I have not previously known. It as though the world is bowing to my new awareness and offering me priceless treasures. I feel such a connection to everyone and everything when I am in that state. Bliss arises with lacy fingers of grace. The world sparkles with a new delight. In other words, it is all worth it. So let those slimy monsters do their thing and surface as quickly as possible. I am ready, willing and able (at least on a good day) to transform the little darlings. Bliss, here I come.
No comments:
Post a Comment