Sunday, September 29, 2013

the price of ascension, is it fair?

I just responded to a comment on thinkwithyourheart.com and as it so encapsulates where I am will just copy it until I have a chance to write more about the subtle yet huge inner shift aI am experiencing.


I so resonate with this. I just started becoming aware of feeling victimized by this time especially as I am older and then thought well that’s unfair, I won’t have as long to reap the rewards of this gruesome journey. But spending one more minute in separation is hell and anything that takes me out of it is in fact an awesome gift and one that other generations did not have the blessing of. So I have started switching to feeling incredibly blessed to be a part of this historic and PLANET ALTERING movement, how awesome is that!! The joy of coming home is the only game in town so how lucky that I am to be alive at a time when it is even remotely feasible. And day by day it becomes more possible, what a freaking miracle!!
The big shift for me since the equinox was feeling a pressure and speed in my body that felt it could tear me apart but not labeling it anxiety, not seeing it as endless and unbearable, just witnessing it as HUGE energy on the move and having a modicum of trust it was for my highest good. Felt like something shifted more significantly yesterday and the heaviness I have been carrying for eons may be on the runway for final departure (GOODBYE). Can actually fathom a live lived without the crushing weight of the never ending heaviness that has plagued me my WHOLE life. Now that is a miracle and really, can i put a price on it. Well yes, I can and the price was WAY steeper then I felt like paying but what the hell. Apparently that is the going rate for ascension these days so I guess I will just say yes and amen.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Mastering Energy: Returning to the Frequency of Love.


In case any of you live in or near Nevada County, CA here is a class I will be starting soon. Would love for you to join me.


MASTERING ENERGY
               
 Mastering Energy - Returning to the frequency of Love

Savannah brings two decades of professional work as a healer and teacher and many years passionately exploring her own ability to fully love herself to mastering the energies of chaos flooding our planet and finding the opportunities to access greater fulfillment and a lessening of suffering. This class presents a variety of tools including Cellular Memory Release to help us elevate our energetic frequency. In this increased energy, our lives become more fluid and graceful, obstacles dissolve, suffering diminishes and we may discover a previously unknown joy. 
Four Tuesdays - October 8 every other week, 4:30 to 6:30p.m.
Cost sliding scale $22-33 per class or $77 for the series. Penn Valley location.

   

Savannah Hanson, M.A., MFT
Cellular Memory Release Practitioner
  OneLoveKey@yahoo.com

Monday, September 23, 2013

be vigilant to keep your frequency elevated

Here is a post that feels valuable to me. Below are some excerpted paragraphs that feel particularly valuable:

http://valerielenton.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/the-codes-for-new-life-awakening-on-earth-archangel-gabriel/


Some days you must constantly monitor your thoughts, lest you sink into the abyss of negativity that floats on the ethers that surround you as mass consciousness. We call this the true discipline of Awakening: Be alert to the resonate frequency you hold within your being because now you totally KNOW that what vibrational frequency you hold within portends the outcome of your life experience. Once you have that clear awareness, you cannot go back to ordinary low resonance. If this idea seems stressful, consider the fact that if you let yourself sink into an irritable, low vibrational state, your nervous system will take the brunt of this experience and you will find yourself having to put even more effort into climbing back to Balance.
A 2-5 minute timeout is possible wherever you are. You can place your hands on your heart and breathe, no matter what is happening. This will create a resonant field of balance within your being which is instantly calming so you can feel more free. Relaxing in Nature, even if it is next to your favorite plant or better, an old tree, will help you soothe your nervous system. When you can breathe Divine Love into your heart as you hold your hands there, that radiant frequency will fill your being very quickly and the Light frequencies will illuminate your mind. Your task now is to use these accelerated frequencies to transmute and transform your energy system into New Life Awakening.
Learning to be a ground for these accelerated frequencies is not just an old story, the physical health of your body is dependent on your ability to literally connect with Sacred Earth. As an electrical outlet needs grounding in a dwelling so too does your physical being. Many diseases are caused by the inability to ground and recirculate energy. Take any opportunity to touch the earth with your feet and embrace the trees so you learn how it feels to be rooted into Sacred Earth.

In this time of New Life Awakening there are moments of pure clarity, joy and connection. There are also moments of emptiness, dissatisfaction and inner upheaval. Allow it to be as it is and find respite from constant striving, for that is only another manifestation of ambition. Spiritual hunger can be a good thing, and at times is necessary on the path to Divine Union. However in this new time, you can open to new levels of consciousness only if you don’t fill up the space with your inner turmoil because you think your awakening or the manifestation of your goals is taking longer than you think it should.

Lee Harris practice for creating the life of your dreams


Imagine yourself now living the life you wish where everything is in place - your love, your work, finance, your relationship with this world, with the people around you, with nature and the Earth. How does that feel? Again, close your eyes and imagine this experience. See it all around you. How does that feel?

Practice this as a daily meditation accessing this feeling of wholeness, of wholeheartedness. For the more you access this feeling, the more you will bring this feeling toward yourself as a daily reality. It is like meditation. The more you meditate, the higher your consciousness becomes and the more permanent your state of deeper connection becomes. This works in the same way. If you are regularly accessing this feeling that your life is fully abundant then you are carrying that energy with you wherever you go. That is the key. Zachary through Lee, from Abundance and 'Energy Speaks'

a beautiful blog about love in marriage


20 Marriage Tips Everyone Needs to Know

August 26, 2013In the News
Below are 20 wise marriage tips from a man that was recently divorced. You wouldn’t normally think that a divorced man would give good advice on being a husband, but this man has been through enough hardship to know what is worth fighting for:
MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…
1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
divorce advice
2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.
5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.
Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.
11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.
13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)
15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.
Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.
The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.
If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.
MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Equinox portal- welcome Home

My understanding this is is a huge portal where the cage door has been thrown up. Don't be surprised if if does not yet feel yummy. These are indeed intense times!
I did a ritual with fairy dust, full moon water and fire to celebrate the passage. I called on ease and grace for all of us. I celebrate each of you and your courage for getting this far. Know that you are loved and adored, that you are magnificent, a masterpiece. Love yourself, it is the answer.

Later:


Wasn't exactly feeling the equinox celebration so I asked for a clear sign the cage door was truly open, that we know had the absolute possibility of freedom. I decided to ask for a very specific sign, a bird to hover near me, preferably a hummingbird. Arrived within 2 minutes, right above my head!! Now that is a sign and helps cement my trust.
I went back outside at sunset and the minute I laid in my hammock, six separate flock of geese flew DIRECTLY over my head. Their belly's were lit by the sun. They were honking their heads of. Several flock were huge. Three in a row with a minute or two pause then three more, another pause and then another a bit off to the left. Now I call that a sign too. I heard them honk loudly for quite some time. So powerful.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

CROSSING THE EQUINOX PORTAL

"Each time we honored fear over LOVE, head over heart, other over self, the backlash came at us like the whip of a mythological serpent tail.  There was just no room for error, indicating that the straight and narrow path had suddenly become a high wire act.  The only way to shimmy across the shadowland below was to remain balanced in the uncertainty…impeccable, and in alignment with our truth, at all costs…and to go at it alone."


QUOTING Lauren from ThinkwithyourHeart.com

Darlings,
We are upon another huge portal. Sending so much love, hope and FAITH as we cross this new frontier.

Friday, September 20, 2013

trusting and opening to the portals- ending the resistance/fear


Here is what the latest portal taught me. I have been intending to allow the contractions of energy yet I have been plugging my nose, kicking and screaming, scared as all get out, wishing it would end, fearing it would never end, screaming, “Oh shit….” So clear right now what gifts the portals bring that I now intend to fully allow with grace any future appearances of what feels like hell/descent yet what always turns out to be a wondrous present. I am also so aware of how I try to control the process, seeing myself in the driver’s seat when I am ever more fully realizing that I am clueless, thank God, and just along for the ride. Once I set my intent, I have to take my hand’s off the wheel and just flow. Not so easy but each energy burst with the accompanying pain of resistance, persuades me to surrender ever more fully with greater trust. I am ready to trust the whole enchilada, having seen over and over, that each contraction is followed by a powerful, life changing expansion.  Whoa! What a ride!
Awaiting with wonder whatever shows up on the other side of the equinox. Sending warm blankets of love and so much compassion for those feeling lost in the dark, savannah




And something I came across (unfortunately no longer know where)

The Sonship (a name for the combination of us all) is in service now.  The Spiritual Ego tries to trick us into looking for a purpose for our lives.  It tricks us into seeking more than we have and tells us that we need something outside of us to be enough. This is a lie. Love is enough, living in Love is enough. We have all we need to learn to live in Love. The lineage will speak to us when there is a lowering of the vibrational field, when we have the thoughts of doubt. It’s fruitless to believe there’s something wrong…we’re waiting for it to be “happy” when Happy is waiting for us to be… J (Jeshua)

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

more tips for greater ease


We’re having these extraordinary times of opening expansion of consciousness, and in order to do that, you get these nice little compressed pockets of release in the mind, in the body, in the emotion, and if you’re having that your bang on track.

The fastest way to deal with any of this stuff is going to be you and your body.You’re your own Master. But the fastest way is for you to just go, “Ooh, crazy thoughts.”

First of all, you have to be aware enough to notice the thoughts are crazier. Then, go into the body and ask yourself “Where in the body am I feeling this?” Or don’t even ask yourself. Just go, “Ah! It’s fear. I’ll sit, hands on stomach. I’ll breathe. I’ll sit on the floor.”

Zapharia said a long time ago that if you can sit yourself on the Earth, your bum on the Earth, you connect right into the root of the Earth, and it will help a lot with the planetary shifts that we’re going through right now, because so much energy is coming from in the Earth up, pulsing through us. So if you can actually connect your root onto the Earth outside, or if you can’t get outside, even you’re up high in a house, just sit on the floor, it gives this base something to ground into while you’re trying to open and release your energy. ~~Lee, from Opening Beyond Fear

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

what's up now

it is essential to stay grounded in these intense energies; exercise, move, go outside, love yourself trust, drink lots of water. here is some interesting information about what is up:

https://www.freeconferencing.com/playback.html?cid=conferences%2F-25-80-1289788-17-65-6783122-17-65-67-17-65-6732-17-65-67.mp3&e=1640926860000&cn=51-87-32-24&option=private

oracle report- TRUST!!!!!


 
 


 
 
Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Gibbous Moon Phase: analyze, prepare, digest, trust
Moon: Aquarius/Pisces
Ruling Mahavidya:  Shodashi
There is a lot to navigate today.  The Moon will move into Pisces at 9:58 am EDT / 1:58 pm UTC.  With it, our emotions are moved as well.  In fact, they flow all over the place and change direction frequently.  This energy will be most challenging for Cancers, Scorpios, and Pisces.
And, of course, we send out love to all of our dear Black Moon in Cancer and Capricorn friends, who are undergoing the most transformation.
So, first let's state what the energy's tendency is and then we will focus on adaptating and transcending it.
Today's energy vacillates between feelings of confusion, hopelessness, disconnection, dissatisfaction, persecution, victimization, martyrdom, sacrifice, and all out pity parties.  Mixed messages, courtesy of Mercury opposing Uranus, are not helping matters.
But let's look from a higher perspective.  We know that we are building to the Full Moon phase - the Harvest Moon.  The Moon will reach Full on Thursday at 9:12 am EDT.  Until then, Shodashi is in the home stretch with her work to fulfill what is in our highest and best interests (according to our higher selves).
Why would we "toil" with our lives only to give up just before the harvest?
Well, the answer to that is archontic trickery.  Negative forces relish an opportunity like this.  When the astrological (electro-magnetic/harmonic) energy loads emotion like we have today, it is hard for us to remain centered and happy.  This is because the energy, in it's raw form, promotes rectification.  We interpret this by seeing and feeling what's "wrong" in order to "fix" it.
But it's better today to take yourself out of the equation and let the goddess handle things.  This involves being ok with wherever you are today and whatever you feel.  Remember that we are in the Gibbous phase of the month and the Gibbous phase of the year - double Gibbous - which means TRUST.  Gibbous is a passive phase - one where we receive and process the Divine; it's not an active phase where we act on whatever we have received.
We have to let things go where they go today.  We will sort it out later.  We can help the most by redirecting our focus from ourselves to the natural world around us.  If your emotions are taking you away, go outside and see what the goddess has created for you.  Our legion holds the lines of light during Shodashi's grand finale.  We remain firmly connected to our Source and give over to her anything that we feel we cannot handle.

the ego is not our enermy



Trying to destroy the ego in order to access the soul is like needing to smash apart seeds as a way of inspiring the growth of flowers. Using this analogy, if seeds get compromised in any way, nothing can blossom once they’re planted. This reveals ego to be a phenomenon that is peacefully resolved in consciousness, instead of something to blame, punish, antagonize, or persecute. No matter which spiritual path you’ve chosen to explore, the relinquishing of ego spontaneously occurs, once returning to love is recognized as life’s primary objective. As attachments to ego are relinquished, one “I love you” at a time, the cellular body is cleared out to make room for the emergence of the soul as a conscious embodied state of being. This is the heart of awakening.www.truedivinenature.com

Sunday, September 15, 2013

only one answer- love, embrace surrender- repeating patterns until I let go

In this moment I am sitting on my hammock about to watch the sunset. The light at this time of day always lifts my heart. Everything is crystal clear and sharp. the light is golden. The birds call to me and I feel peace.

I have been plagued by heaviness for almost two weeks. I feel like a puppet trying to pull away from it's strings yet constantly being yanked hither and yon in my mind, trying to escape the pain of my own mind inflicting fears of the future on me. "This will never end." I want to control it, make it go away, outfox it, run. I know none of it works and occasionally I can turn and give the heaviness a quick embrace before I dart off. A few things are helping; knowing I am not alone, having a smidgeon of faith that this heaviness is serving me, really seeing that it is a mind game and in this moment, loving myself even though I have been feeling so heavy. Reading Matt's words helped me move from uneasy, shaky peace to genuine acceptance, at least in this moment. I share them with you below.
My darlings, I am sure many of you feel the intensity. Be sure to move, spend time in nature, be around uplifting people as much as possible and love yourself, no matter what. We'll get through this and then let's see how high we'll fly. Sending so much love.


When engulfed in the depths of awakening, or even a healing crisis, the experiences that play out in consciousness can often be rooted in unsuspecting subconscious patterns that attempt to stay active by searching for ways to be fed. It is not uncommon for your conscious experience of frustration, boredom, disillusionment, confusion, or even anxiety to be ways in which subconscious attachments to ego motivate you to reach out to others as a way of getting recharged. What may seem like a desperate cry for help can actually be another way the unraveling ego seeks to glom onto another person’s energy field, hoping to pump new energy into the weakened and dissolving pattern. Every time this occurs, the validation you receive from another may seem to momentarily dissipate your symptoms, but it only serves to make the hunger of a subconscious pattern even more insatiable.

Within a short period of time, the little amount of relief you gained from someone else’s validation runs its course, as you find yourself seeking the fa├žade of outside approval once again. As this occurs, you might be totally unaware that you are acting out the needs, whims, and desires of a subconscious attachment to ego that attempts to remain intact, as the grace of awakening sweeps every unconscious pattern out of your field. Whether appearing to be a depth of confusion that craves just a tiny bit more understanding, the assumption that you are the only one experiencing the symptoms at hand, or the need for someone else’s approval during another round of emotional processing, the best remedy to help unravel attachments to ego, instead of feeding them, is the willingness to love your own heart. While loving yourself is a welcomed gift that your innocence always wishes to receive, it certainly won’t satisfy the patterns of ego, which isn’t a bad thing at all.

Whatever momentarily satisfies the ego ultimately keeps it together. This means you will have more time spent in repetitive unconscious states, while trying to outwit and overcome the very patterns you keep feeding. With the intention of love as your guide, it isn’t a matter of demeaning ego, ignoring it, or getting caught up in any type of negotiation. Instead, it is a matter of spiritual maturity where you acknowledge every anxious feeling as unconscious patterns that are healed and released out of your field -- at the rate in which loving your heart remains your most consistent response to any desperate plea. Even if ego tries to convince you that you’ll die if you don’t receive more validation, the willingness to hear its sales pitch and allow loving your heart to be your response carries you across the threshold of death’s doorway. As this unfolds, you are reunited with the grace of your true nature and spontaneously reborn as the eternal light of all.

Matt Kahn
www.truedivinenature.com


I also feel called to repost my blog on anxiety of August 28, 2012. The pattern is the same, the resistance is the same and the results will be the same until I truly surrender and allow the heaviness. I 
see it, I know it yet still I resist. Sigh...


Welcoming anxiety

I had a huge awareness pop in yesterday. The last few weeks I have been plagued by almost unremitting anxiety. This has been uncomfortable to say the least. Some moments felt almost intolerable. I was tearing at the dry skin around my fingernails and on one heel. Sleep was iffy. A  rash broke out on my back. So obviously somehow I was off course yet I could not find a way to be with this tension, find any sense of direction with this challenge. Everything became difficult. My newly found order went out the window, I became non productive again.
I prayed for direction and did my best to allow the anxiety to be as it was- to feel it without a story. Yet I became more and more bogged down in future negative fantasies of how I could not take it anymore. It became more and more unpleasant.
Yesterday I had the impulse to scan through the internet to various site I have looked at in the past and I came across this:

http://ascension101.com/en/home/ascension-blog.html

and then I jumped to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GozVABN1xI

There was an exercise to do and I did it half heartedly- throw all my charges, sources of negative energy in a box, then see if one of them jumped out at me. Anxiety screamed at me. I was to take it out of the box, hold it and look at it, then welcome it! Welcome it- are you kidding me! welcome my arch enemy, the field that has robbed me of so much of my life force, so much of my life, held me down and back in so many ways?!?!? In that moment I clearly felt how much resistance I had to anxiety, how I had rarely truly allowed it, rather I had given pretense to allowing it in the hopes I could finally be rid of it. Tears streamed down my cheeks as my heart opened and I truly, truly welcomed and embraced it. Instantly the tension left my body and I felt a flood of warmth and an amazing bath of peace and calm. I suddenly became aware of all the gifts anxiety has brought me, how it has been my prime motivation for so much healing and transformation. I felt genuine gratitude and acceptance. It was a miraculous shift and I felt tremendous relief.
Yet rather quickly anxiety began to creep back in with it's freezing fingers curling around my lower spine. Again my breath became shallow and fear began to narrow my vision. I felt almost paralyzed. I had to force myself to move and went to my Way of Mastery class where I received the second answer to my prayers. It was decided to listen to questions and answers rather than read the text and I felt a mild annoyance yet breathed deeply and accepted this new protocol for the evening. It was mildly helpful until one question and answer galvanized me. I can't remember it exactly yet the answer was how we are responding to an old challenge and charge with the same old energy we had greeted it with in the past, the same resistance and fear. In such situations we are not allowing our current awareness and transformation to respond to this old pattern in a new way, rather we are locked into the past. This had me sitting up straight as I recognized how absolutely accurate that was for me. Until now, when anxiety arose I had fought it with all my might, falling into a deep well of fear and panic, an "oh shit, not this again" reaction. The bell of clarity was ringing. My mentor confirmed that the secret is in the true welcoming and embracing. I had been fooling myself that my reluctant allowing would create a shift. I had the physical experience of the difference between that type of allowing and the sincere embrace I had experienced hours earlier. Voila, the answer.
I again felt anxiety this morning and did not want to get up. Again I felt parayzed. But this time I respond differently. I laid on my hammock and tenderly looked at anxiety. I reviewed the numerous gifts I have received, how it has constantly motivated me to dig deeper, learn and release more, take courses and workshops that have changed my life. Really, it is the reason I became a therapist- the wounded healer. I had tears of genuine gratitude in my eyes. I thanked my ego and anxiety for doing their absolute best to protect me, especially as a child when I was truly defenseless. I did a technique called Neural Linguistic Reprogramming where I thanked anxiety for all it's gifts and asked it if it was willing to receive a promotion. I recognized it's intent to keep me safe by warning me of perceived danger. Anxiety has graciously agreed to this promotion, to becoming Presence to alert me when I stray off course, when I forget my own magnificence and limitless power. I feel a sense of harmony and peace in this moment. I am intending to be at peace with anxiety should it choose to reappear. I see I can embrace it in a new way. I see I can kiss the lion, passing through this ring of fear, knowing it for the illusion it is. I sense I have not yet reached 100% surrender yet I know I have had a big shift. I am grateful to my friend anxiety for the tender care it has provided me all my life, cherishing me and desiring to keep me safe. Thank you dear friend. I wish to publicly acknowledge you for all you have brought to me. May our new relationship flourish as you become Presence in my life.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

no mind


Reading this woke me up to how much I am still in my mind attempting to solve the problem of my existence. This blog helped me to trust a bit more and let go of the sides of the river, trying to use my mind to control the outcome. Yikees!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Big changes are on the way



The universe knows everything, but it will not give out information to the ego.  If you want your life to work you have to be aligned all the time, not just occasionally.

I am getting much, much smaller.  You have to live at the level of atoms.  There is no next moment.  If there is a next moment you are too big.

People don't allow themselves to relax into their bodies.  They are still in the fight or flight mode.  Society taught us to use our heads, to think and prepare, that without preparation nothing is going to happen.

My life has become even more spacious.  The mind can't multitask, multitasking makes people stupid.  I was still using my mind too much and it wore me out.  Trying to get things done overwhelms me and makes my body feel heavy.  My mind reorganized itself at a higher level and I am lighter again.  The mind is totally unimportant, its here for entertainment only and not to make decisions.

The universe never repeats itself, therefore you have to wait for what shows up naturally.  You are always out of alignment because you go ahead and do what you have always done.  It doesn't fit anymore.  The universe has moved on but you haven't.  You are always behind, missing everything.  That's why things aren't working.

What we think the body needs is not what the body really needs.  We were taught to eat a certain way because of politics.   My diet is changing and I trust my body to show me what I need to function optimally, and that always changes.  We have to be ultra flexible.

You have your own space, your own timetable, yet people try to rush you, coerce you to leave yourself, expect you to be just like them.  I am becoming even more self-absorbed.  People meet me and already they have a program for me.  People see you as they are, not as you are.  I am clashing with people because they won't let me be.  I will not participate in their illusions.  Their life happens in their heads, they hallucinate.  Everything is made up.  Very few people are present.

Last night I had a dream that my family home burned down.  There was enough time to gather some things, but I left it all behind and walked out with a baby.  This means that I am leaving everything behind, there is a new beginning.  Change is on the way.  Am I ready for this?

Innana- my archetypal journey


I was told by my guides that I was on the archetypal journey of Innana and must lose everything, down to my bones before I would be reborn. I share this story here in case you too are on a similar journey. It is written by a wild and wondrous woman, Jennifer Posada.

Innana's Crown: Journey Through the Seven Gates (course based on Innana’s journey)
Jennifer Posada
There once was a princess named Innana.  A princess who was, inside of herself, already a queen and even already a Goddess.  She was born in pure remembering, an embodiment of the Queen of Heaven.  And she was also a human girl.  She already contained the all, but would go on to become even more.
One day, before she was crowned queen, she was walking by her favorite river where she loved to walk nearly every day.  It was always golden there.  The light made everything glow, and she was always happy there…at peace with all in the universe.  On that one special day as she walked the shore, she saw a strange shape ahead of her on the sand.  Soon she could see that it looked like a plant, or a branch, and as she came closer it revealed itself as a small tree that had been uprooted somewhere, carried along by the river, and brought to her.  She knew the tree was for her…that it was a sign of a coming time of power and beauty in her journey.  It glowed in the golden light like everything else, but more so.  It’s leaves were at once green, then purple, then silver, as they turned in the breeze.  And right away she loved her Huluppu Tree.
She planted it by her beloved river in her most special place and it became her very favorite spot.  It was where she was when everyone wondered, “Where is our beloved Innana?”  And because she loved her tree so very much, every day that she tended it, it grew a year’s growth…it stretched and reveled in the love it was given.  Innana filled it with her soul so much that a serpent moved into the base of the tree, and a magical bird made a home in its branches.  It was even said that the spirit of Lilith lived in the trunk.  For all these things were the passion and life force of Innana herself.  When she was under this tree she felt only her own magnificence and magic.  She marveled at her body and here she fell in love her “wondrous vulva”.  For here she could explore herself completely.  She had never known such embodied joy.
But the world had already begun to forget the magic that Innana knew.  They wanted her to rule as queen and felt that she spent too much time under her Huluppu Tree.  And there was no reasoning, ever, with Innana…for Innana knew what others did not.  So her family and the others who wished her to fulfill a certain role in the way they deemed “right”, decided that perhaps they could entice Innana back into the temples and the court.  They would make for her a throne, and a bed fit for a queen so she would rule and live indoors as considered proper.  They decided that they would make them from her Huluppu Tree.  Then she could no longer go there, and perhaps would think of the throne and bed the way she thought now of her tree.
And so they sent her brother Gilgamesh with his great axe, to take down Innana’s beloved tree.  Innana, who was not by the river, felt a terrible pain in her stomach when the axe first hit.  The bird cried out and flew away, the serpent slithered quickly off, and Lilith screamed from the tree’s trunk, her red hair wild, and rose naked into the sky.
Innana knew what had happened.  She also knew, in that moment, that it was all meant to be for a greater reason, but her wrath also had its greater reason.  She forsook her throne and bed, and all she had known before.  She knew an act of such ignorance could only be healed with a greater act of power.  She knew she was at risk of losing her wildness, her serpent power, her girlhood, her womanhood, her feminine soul, her animal-self, her wings.  Things we all have regardless of our gender.  She knew the death of her Huluppu Tree meant just one thing: it was time for her even greater rebirth.
It was this loss that made Innana go where no human had gone and returned from before.  It was this act that made Innana become not just the Queen of Heaven, but Queen of the Underworld as well.
She waited until the night fell.  She went to the stump of her Huluppu Tree and said the no-words that the tree knew, and it opened the secret stairway to the underworld.  Once there Innana would give up all of her adornment, her crown and her clothing, one item at a time at each of seven gates.  For one can only enter naked into the underworld.  And while her journey in the underworld is another story altogether, know that she faced her own soul death, and her great rebirth.  And because the world went fallow while she was gone, for a while everyone once again remembered the importance of the wild, and why they needed a queen who would sit under a Huluppu Tree most of the day, and know herself.
When Innana returned to the surface of the earth, she did so again through the stump of her Huluppu Tree and her rebirth was its as well.  It grew back, and the serpent and the bird and the spirit of Lilith returned.  And Innana was happy, and more whole than before…