Sunday, September 15, 2013

only one answer- love, embrace surrender- repeating patterns until I let go

In this moment I am sitting on my hammock about to watch the sunset. The light at this time of day always lifts my heart. Everything is crystal clear and sharp. the light is golden. The birds call to me and I feel peace.

I have been plagued by heaviness for almost two weeks. I feel like a puppet trying to pull away from it's strings yet constantly being yanked hither and yon in my mind, trying to escape the pain of my own mind inflicting fears of the future on me. "This will never end." I want to control it, make it go away, outfox it, run. I know none of it works and occasionally I can turn and give the heaviness a quick embrace before I dart off. A few things are helping; knowing I am not alone, having a smidgeon of faith that this heaviness is serving me, really seeing that it is a mind game and in this moment, loving myself even though I have been feeling so heavy. Reading Matt's words helped me move from uneasy, shaky peace to genuine acceptance, at least in this moment. I share them with you below.
My darlings, I am sure many of you feel the intensity. Be sure to move, spend time in nature, be around uplifting people as much as possible and love yourself, no matter what. We'll get through this and then let's see how high we'll fly. Sending so much love.

When engulfed in the depths of awakening, or even a healing crisis, the experiences that play out in consciousness can often be rooted in unsuspecting subconscious patterns that attempt to stay active by searching for ways to be fed. It is not uncommon for your conscious experience of frustration, boredom, disillusionment, confusion, or even anxiety to be ways in which subconscious attachments to ego motivate you to reach out to others as a way of getting recharged. What may seem like a desperate cry for help can actually be another way the unraveling ego seeks to glom onto another person’s energy field, hoping to pump new energy into the weakened and dissolving pattern. Every time this occurs, the validation you receive from another may seem to momentarily dissipate your symptoms, but it only serves to make the hunger of a subconscious pattern even more insatiable.

Within a short period of time, the little amount of relief you gained from someone else’s validation runs its course, as you find yourself seeking the fa├žade of outside approval once again. As this occurs, you might be totally unaware that you are acting out the needs, whims, and desires of a subconscious attachment to ego that attempts to remain intact, as the grace of awakening sweeps every unconscious pattern out of your field. Whether appearing to be a depth of confusion that craves just a tiny bit more understanding, the assumption that you are the only one experiencing the symptoms at hand, or the need for someone else’s approval during another round of emotional processing, the best remedy to help unravel attachments to ego, instead of feeding them, is the willingness to love your own heart. While loving yourself is a welcomed gift that your innocence always wishes to receive, it certainly won’t satisfy the patterns of ego, which isn’t a bad thing at all.

Whatever momentarily satisfies the ego ultimately keeps it together. This means you will have more time spent in repetitive unconscious states, while trying to outwit and overcome the very patterns you keep feeding. With the intention of love as your guide, it isn’t a matter of demeaning ego, ignoring it, or getting caught up in any type of negotiation. Instead, it is a matter of spiritual maturity where you acknowledge every anxious feeling as unconscious patterns that are healed and released out of your field -- at the rate in which loving your heart remains your most consistent response to any desperate plea. Even if ego tries to convince you that you’ll die if you don’t receive more validation, the willingness to hear its sales pitch and allow loving your heart to be your response carries you across the threshold of death’s doorway. As this unfolds, you are reunited with the grace of your true nature and spontaneously reborn as the eternal light of all.

Matt Kahn

I also feel called to repost my blog on anxiety of August 28, 2012. The pattern is the same, the resistance is the same and the results will be the same until I truly surrender and allow the heaviness. I 
see it, I know it yet still I resist. Sigh...

Welcoming anxiety

I had a huge awareness pop in yesterday. The last few weeks I have been plagued by almost unremitting anxiety. This has been uncomfortable to say the least. Some moments felt almost intolerable. I was tearing at the dry skin around my fingernails and on one heel. Sleep was iffy. A  rash broke out on my back. So obviously somehow I was off course yet I could not find a way to be with this tension, find any sense of direction with this challenge. Everything became difficult. My newly found order went out the window, I became non productive again.
I prayed for direction and did my best to allow the anxiety to be as it was- to feel it without a story. Yet I became more and more bogged down in future negative fantasies of how I could not take it anymore. It became more and more unpleasant.
Yesterday I had the impulse to scan through the internet to various site I have looked at in the past and I came across this:

and then I jumped to this:

There was an exercise to do and I did it half heartedly- throw all my charges, sources of negative energy in a box, then see if one of them jumped out at me. Anxiety screamed at me. I was to take it out of the box, hold it and look at it, then welcome it! Welcome it- are you kidding me! welcome my arch enemy, the field that has robbed me of so much of my life force, so much of my life, held me down and back in so many ways?!?!? In that moment I clearly felt how much resistance I had to anxiety, how I had rarely truly allowed it, rather I had given pretense to allowing it in the hopes I could finally be rid of it. Tears streamed down my cheeks as my heart opened and I truly, truly welcomed and embraced it. Instantly the tension left my body and I felt a flood of warmth and an amazing bath of peace and calm. I suddenly became aware of all the gifts anxiety has brought me, how it has been my prime motivation for so much healing and transformation. I felt genuine gratitude and acceptance. It was a miraculous shift and I felt tremendous relief.
Yet rather quickly anxiety began to creep back in with it's freezing fingers curling around my lower spine. Again my breath became shallow and fear began to narrow my vision. I felt almost paralyzed. I had to force myself to move and went to my Way of Mastery class where I received the second answer to my prayers. It was decided to listen to questions and answers rather than read the text and I felt a mild annoyance yet breathed deeply and accepted this new protocol for the evening. It was mildly helpful until one question and answer galvanized me. I can't remember it exactly yet the answer was how we are responding to an old challenge and charge with the same old energy we had greeted it with in the past, the same resistance and fear. In such situations we are not allowing our current awareness and transformation to respond to this old pattern in a new way, rather we are locked into the past. This had me sitting up straight as I recognized how absolutely accurate that was for me. Until now, when anxiety arose I had fought it with all my might, falling into a deep well of fear and panic, an "oh shit, not this again" reaction. The bell of clarity was ringing. My mentor confirmed that the secret is in the true welcoming and embracing. I had been fooling myself that my reluctant allowing would create a shift. I had the physical experience of the difference between that type of allowing and the sincere embrace I had experienced hours earlier. Voila, the answer.
I again felt anxiety this morning and did not want to get up. Again I felt parayzed. But this time I respond differently. I laid on my hammock and tenderly looked at anxiety. I reviewed the numerous gifts I have received, how it has constantly motivated me to dig deeper, learn and release more, take courses and workshops that have changed my life. Really, it is the reason I became a therapist- the wounded healer. I had tears of genuine gratitude in my eyes. I thanked my ego and anxiety for doing their absolute best to protect me, especially as a child when I was truly defenseless. I did a technique called Neural Linguistic Reprogramming where I thanked anxiety for all it's gifts and asked it if it was willing to receive a promotion. I recognized it's intent to keep me safe by warning me of perceived danger. Anxiety has graciously agreed to this promotion, to becoming Presence to alert me when I stray off course, when I forget my own magnificence and limitless power. I feel a sense of harmony and peace in this moment. I am intending to be at peace with anxiety should it choose to reappear. I see I can embrace it in a new way. I see I can kiss the lion, passing through this ring of fear, knowing it for the illusion it is. I sense I have not yet reached 100% surrender yet I know I have had a big shift. I am grateful to my friend anxiety for the tender care it has provided me all my life, cherishing me and desiring to keep me safe. Thank you dear friend. I wish to publicly acknowledge you for all you have brought to me. May our new relationship flourish as you become Presence in my life.

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