Wednesday, April 9, 2014

forgiveness/ neutrality/ freedom

So much is shifting internally for me I find it difficult to begin to try to capture it in words. I recognize how I often begin each morning sending internal messages to my Love wave about all my new understandings and realizations. I hope you are catching the waves!! I will see if I can get one of them into material words.

The energy for a week was bone crushing for me. I know now that signals major download/transformation and I just need to hold on to my hat while it is happening. While the waves use to be basically continuous, now they tend to last a week. I was at the tail end of one when I went to the dentist to return an electric toothbrush head that did not fit the brush. I had hesitated buying it as I found them expensive. Yet the staff persuaded me I could not live without them. The woman at the desk said she was unsure she could refund the money as they were opened from the plastic container. I said yes, that is how I found out they did not fit. I was already in a bad place before I arrived and I could witness my energy escalate to a surface level politeness hiding a roiling mass of upset and irritation. We went round and round with this argument and then she said she'd ask the manager and get back to me. I left the office in tears! Now this use to be not uncommon but lately this is very rare so I asked myself what was up and had compassion for how raw I felt. I went to my sacred dance where we were celebrating someone's birthday. Everyone with one exception seemed quite happy. I perceived them as  dancing with abandon and joy although I recognize I did not really know what others' internal experience was except for one woman who clearly offered she too was not in the best place. . My dance was inward, slow, fragile. I held myself with tenderness and fear, fear that the intensity would continue for long, that I had little control over how long the waves last, overall sense of being so done with transformational energies. At one point I curled up on a blanket and wept with self compassion, with grief for how difficult everything felt in that moment. Yet something fundamental shifted in me. I truly felt compassion almost exclusively rather than the toxic mix I previously use to bath myself in, compassion intertwined with self judgment for being spiritually off the mark, exhibiting my spiritually Type A personality that I use to think would save me but now realized was holding me back.

At the end the facilitator asked if we had anything to share. I held back a bit and then let my sadness flow out in words and tears. I spoke of the intensity, the sadness, the grief, the tears over toothbrushes. I was held with such tender care. I spoke of the constant commentary in my head giving me black marks for being spiritually inadequate and occasional high fives for busting through an old pattern (more on this in another blog). Everyone was so kind and understanding and shared they often feel the same. Tears of tender self acceptance by now were pouring from my eyes. I loved myself through my grief and tears, but really! The sharing about my words were so warm hearted and beautiful, freeing. We moved on until I felt my inner commentary come up with a black mark for spoiling the woman's birthday celebration. Luckily I gave voice to this self judgment arising again. The woman whose birthday it was offered me the most precious present by telling me my authentic self was the best gift she could receive. With those words, some remaining self judgment/need to be what I evaluate as spiritually perfect washed away in a flood of tears. I felt such profound compassion for myself and all of us vulnerable, tender, dear human beings.

I had two opportunities to witness how major the internal shift was from this. The next day I was in the car with someone when time pressures made it difficult to get everything done. So I mapped out how we could pull it off when the person leaned into me and screamed into my face as I was driving. I felt nothing in my body! This use to be one of my deepest triggers given my conditioning, to be yelled at. I FELT NOTHING BUT COMPASSION wondering what was going on for the person that they would yell so. I immediately knew how to be with the situation and only offered them forgiveness and understanding. The energy shifted immediately and all was well. 

The next day I was playing a game and one of the players shoved a card in my face, twice. The first time I allowed it as I knew the increased energies were producing crazy behavior. The second time, again with no internal reaction, I ended my participation in the game and calmly walked away. I blessed the situation while sitting outside gathering peace around me like a blanket. I then returned and the energy was restored to harmony. There is something so wonderful for both the giver and receiver of such acceptance. No words were need in this case as the "lesson" was obvious. All that remained was peace.

I felt called to look up my black moon and found this from Oracle report; certainly dovetails with what I am discovering experientially:

  1. Black Moon in Libra
    Theme: The Shadow of Perfection
    Primary Fear: fear of loneliness/isolation
    Self-judgment: personal “flaws” are harshly judged
    Issues: perfection; unrealistic expectations; boundary issues
    Projection: criticism of others, particularly the criticism of how things appear
    Goals: to not have to have things be perfect, to be comfortable being alone, to see gray - not just black and white, to not be judgmental
    Black Moon in Libra values impeccability and holds everything and everyone to a high standard, especially oneself. This shadow involves pursuit of the “ideal” and keenly feels the separation from spirit. The Black Moon in Libra manifests in intense self-judgment and fragmentation of the self into pieces that are either acceptable or unacceptable. This shadow breaches boundaries and sorts through everything in an attempt to perfect it. It seeks excellence. This results in an unending series of disappointments and can form schisms in relationships. Maintaining any semblance of perfection is exhausting for anyone, but with the Black Moon in Libra, we often find ourselves complaining about being tired or not having enough time. Indecisiveness and self-deprivation are also characteristic of this shadow. 

Healing and Transcending:
With the Black Moon in Libra, the need to judge must be faced. This shadow is strongly connected to the journey through the judgment of the Underworld and subsequent rebirth in a whole new way (see Chapter Five on the transits of the Black Moon). It is actually a journey to find what is truly of value. When we are able to see that love is truly the only thing of value, we find inclusion instead of separation. We begin to love all of the parts, not just some of them. When we understand that everything is connected, we see that the fear of separation is an illusion. Healing the shadow of perfection is about seeing our own (and others‟) inner perfection by allowing the “ideals” of the outer, material world to fall away.
  1. ø  Assess your values. When you find yourself being critical of others, ask yourself if you dislike that same thing in yourself. Examine how you separate yourself from other people. Is there a need to keep some part of you distinct from others? 
  2. ø  When you find yourself being critical, find something valuable about the situation. You might not feel like certain things about you or others are perfect in appearance, but you may find that they are highly valuable in functionality. By practicing finding value, the shadow that believes in the idea of perfection is healed.
    Black Moon in Libra: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Benito Mussolini, Tupac Shakur, Nikola Tesla

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