Sunday, April 27, 2014

retiring the quarterback

While last week was grueling, I can already feel the subtle shifts that have resulted. I  generally notice tremendous peace. For a while now, I rarely feel afraid. This fearlessness is now even more noticeable. I rarely get charged, feel anxious or out of balance. This last week I sailed through a major drama in neutrality yet noticed immediately when later irritation arose, watched the effects of that irritation begin to snowball and made different choices in minutes. I did get caught in judgment and did not catch it for a few hours. Yet I felt/feel no self judgment about that.
This is the biggest shift. I now see how I have had what Matt Kahn calls an inferior ego. This inferior ego was on a constant self improvement plan. About a month ago, I clearly recognized an interior  voice that was never quiet. I had witnessed it before yet never caught how critical and cruel it was. On some level I suspect I believed it was actually serving me by "improving" me. I spontaneously called it the quarterback. I just looked that word up to make sure I had any understanding of it as I am not into sports.  A voice that is constantly calling the plays. Actually, it is not really accurate. More than calling the plays, it evaluated the plays after the fact, a constant commentary keeping score. So sportscaster would be more a more accurate name."Two points for being kind" but more often "Look how thoughtless you were there, can't you do better?" "How can you be so judgmental?" it would say judgmentally. "Can't you do stop that, you know this is not right." Or the double sammy, "You're supposed to be conscious, that's a laugh, look how contracted and nervous you are! Shape up!" 
When I really heard that voice and identified it as so harsh and condemning, it gave me pause. When I shared that voice with my dance group, they all nodded in recognition and I felt so seen and accepted by them. Yet shortly after, the voice returned judging me for spoiling the birthday celebration we were having. OUCH! Yet now I have been noticing how the observer in me is aware when I am off center, charged, contracted but it is now mere observation without the critical admonishments plaguing me. I am aware if I am being judgmental, I see how it brings me pain and that is it. No internal commentary keeping score, damning me to hell. I guess my Catholic conditioning is really finally beginning to fade. I no longer view myself as a constant self improvement project. 
How lovely to have the awareness to shift choices that no longer serve me without the constant background noise of that critical voice. How peaceful to give myself a break when I do react from ego. How inspiring it is to see that all I ever studied about ego and peace is accurate and attainable. It is good.

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