Today was another rough day. Apparently the stackers were not through with me. The wind was terrible last night and it was hard to sleep. I woke up and looked out my window to see my carport had blown over and scratched my car all over. I was stunned and amazed that there were only a few dents. Throughout the storm, I kept awakening and feeling grateful we had power and that we were warm and dry. I kept feeling compassion for homeless people.
I walked down the drive (very long, maybe 3-5 minute walk). A tree was down blocking the road and it could easily be on my property. I had no idea who to call to clear it. I decide to go directly to the neighbor to see whose tree it is. I have only met him twice and did not have a great impression as I had heard fighting often and some serious drinking. He could not have been kinder!! I felt terrible having so misjudged him, for having judged at all. It turns out it is neither of our tree yet he dragged it off the road. It was wonderful to connect. Houses are very scattered here so it has felt a bit isolating. I had the intent recently to connect with neighbors. I saw anther neighbor the day before and had a wonderful conversation when I dropped off cookies, our annual gift. Just realizing how fast that intent manifested makes me feel good!!
Spent hours clearing our driveway, homework, clearing up other problem, on my toes all day. It has been one challenge after the other, all requiring me to take responsibility and develop my masculine, take charge side. It has been HARD FOR ME and requires much courage! In the past I would have ignored the tree and hoped it got solved without me acting.
Today was the culmination of the last days of a continual hit parade of my greatest triggers. Some of them got pushed more than once. It got to the point of being almost ludicrous. I'd sail through a few then more got piled on. Trust me, I get it that my triggering events are all small potatoes. No major illness, not major accident, no injuries, deaths. I really appreciate that!! My lessons are coming in fairly small doses. Yet I am ready to get them with a twinge instead of bigger events. I'm ready to dial it down. Let's hope the universe agrees with me.
So the massive clean up job continued. I also had to clean fireplace. Going to neighbor was scary for me. Then my wasband came to help cut away the carport. I felt teary all day. Frightened and vulnerable parts of myself were very much making their presence known but I didn’t have time to deal with them. Nobody wanted the turkey dinner I had sent hours cooking. I got angry with my daughter which had me immediately following the spiritual partnership guidelines (Gary Zukov, Spiritual Partnership). I recognized my conscious intent to have a loving dinner must be underlaid with an unconscious intent. I examined what it could be and discovered I wanted others to do what I wanted to make me feel good and loved. I cleared my intent to just expressing love so when my wasband also wouldn’t eat, I just packed him a plate to take with him without feeling any upset. Then my daughter who had been so cooperative and brave through all of this, helping me where she could, suddenly got angry, refused to say goodbye, look at me, or hug me. Minutes earlier she had hugged me twice. Somehow this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Tears came to my eyes as I said goodbye to my wasband. Concern for him as he clearly was not in good shape was also sinking me. When they drove off, I huddled on my deck, clutching a doll (no kidding) and sobbed and wailed. A young part of me was clearly taking me over, clearly a frightened and scared part. I spoke sweet nothings to her and clutched the baby doll to my chest. I cried and cried. I felt the intense pressure in my neck. I felt the emptiness in my gut. I allowed it all. I asked myself what I was believing/thinking. I realized I felt incapable of handling so much. I felt scared I couldn’t keep it up. I felt hurt and rejected even though I could see it was a lie. I felt so sad. Why? I recognized how hurt the coldness and rejecting behavior felt after I had worked so hard for days. Why did I feel so sad and hurt? I kept investigating and it was immediately clear I had again transposed the past onto the present. The energy to me was reminiscent of my father’s cold, rejecting anger. What was I telling myself it meant? That it meant I was not loved? Ridiculous, so what? I realized that I always interpret coldness and anger as rejecting. I can almost never see past it to scared parts in the other. My father was so formidable and raging I never could see his vulnerability, his fear underneath. I immediately have compassion when I witness tears and sadness. Yet anger often has pushed me into tears or anger myself. Did I want to keep my blindness or see deeper, past my own wound. My daughter was clearly overwhelmed too. She had reached her limit as I had. She just expresses it differently. I too can be cold, angry or tearful. She almost always goes to anger. It was as simple as that. No need to feel hurt or rejected. Much more comfortable to see below the surface.
A deep peace settled over my body. I looked out and the clouds were forming the most spectacular sight. The colors were stunning. Shapes played with each other. A magnificent tapestry revealed itself. I sat in awe. Then the sun began to set. I felt so blessed with the unfolding beauty. The most unique yellow shape-shifted into billowing pink. I felt so blessed and free.
Now I feel drained and depleted. I have so much yet to do. I share all of this because my strong sense is I am not alone in feeling like a character in Wizard of Oz. I feel like things just keep flying past me as I tumble and fall. I feel so mixed up; first wonderful then destroyed. I want you to know you are not alone, that there is a way to freedom and that tools can take you there. Dive into your own experience, feel it in your body, question your thoughts and beliefs. Surrender to a power greater than yourself. Know you are not alone. Know you are supported. While I sat on my deck I felt a gigantic wave of love for everyone. Throughout the weekend I have felt such love and hope mixed with the overwhelm. My guides warned me this would come. I see now what they meant. It is time for me to heal overwhelm and they may keep stacking it up until I have zero physical response. I am getting better each time but still can flip out when it is one thing too many. I send my love and support as each of us is given the opportunity to dive into our wounds. Some of you may be having very big challenges. Know so many are there to hold your hand. Know that you are loved!!!! Keep things as simple as possible. Spend time in nature. Trust. I now plan to relax and let it all go until I feel renewed. God bless.
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