rage, specialness and being human

For about a week, I have been experiencing overpowering rage. I am raging at some circumstances in my life which are painful. Yet at the same time I am recognizing an extreme schism within me. I realize I rage at myself, again and again, for being human, for being angry, for being unkind, cold, grouchy. Sometimes I can accept it and sometimes I can’t. My biggest beef with myself is for being an imperfect parent. It rips my heart open when I am cold to my daughter. Coldness is a family legacy going back many generations. I was grouchy, bossy and cold yesterday about the homework again. I tried for hours to get her to do it, patiently at first and then BAM, my pain-body Iceberg came out and read her the riot act. 

I find it so difficult to be a human parent which for me is an oxymoron. They just don’t go together. This is the part of myself I must learn to accept, forgive, honor and cherish. What a job. Again and again I come back to the same pattern of self rejection. Ah....

I am also royally pissed off at “specialness” what the Course in Miracles calls our attachment to whatever or whoever we currently think is going to save us, make us happy, rich, adored, etc. The Course in Miracles calls this the ego’s best weapon and greatest trick in fooling us in to forgetting our own magnificence and unlimitedness. It says it is one of the most difficult obstacles to release. I have been studying this for years and boy is it a puzzler. I must admit it has dazzled me my whole life until now. Now I see through it most of the time. It infuriates me now. I am able to view so many thing differently when I remove the filter of specialness. Specialness has lead to untold heartbreak, destruction, misery. It is what we generally mistake for love. We call it love and are not surprised when it so quickly turns to hate. Love has no opposite. Love that excludes is not true love. Love is not limited. I have no clue why this is so bloody hard to recognize but now that I do I am like an ex smoker, wanting to go around and kick the ass of everybody still caught in specialness, scream in their face, “Can’t you see what you are doing?!?!?”

Now ironically I just caught myself believing in specialness again. I think I have release it around the 95% level for myself. But I realized just this morning that I still project it on my daughter. With all my training as a therapist and Cellular Memory Release practitioner, I am well aware of the power of conditioning, especially in early childhood. What I have been recognizing more and more is that I have formed a belief about the effect of conditioning and how it is shaping her. I belief something is harming her if, in general, that type of thing is harmful. I don’t wait to actually witness HOW IT AFFECTS HER. I am off and running with how it would affect me, how it did affect me, etc. She is under a lot of stress right now and being affected by situations most people would belief were damaging. I recognized that by my believing that too I am negating her incredible wisdom and ability to look past many things. She is often extremely wise and powerful, able to not be affected by challenging circumstances. Yet my beliefs counteract her strength. I am inadvertently telling her she is  bound to be adversely affected by her circumstances and then she starts to believe me! What a mind blower! Help, let me out of the prison of my own mind! 

While I was writing this I was interrupted. I had a conversation that brought to the fore how judgment is always wounding. I see how absurd my judgments are, how I am arguing with reality and losing. My rage is dissipating. I am beginning to see the trap I set for myself and work my way free.I pray to be released from my judgments and beliefs regarding my daughter being harmed by outer circumstances. I pray to be released from seeing my daughter, just because she is a child, as limited and the victim of outer circumstances. I pray that I can truly remember Who she is. I pray that we all can remember Who we are.