This is the hardest blog I have ever written. It feels and is incredibly self revealing. This normally is not difficult for me yet this cuts to my core, exposes my most primitive wound. Even as this experience was ending, I knew I would disclose it here. I knew it was an extraordinary example of the pain body release process as developed by Luis Diaz. It fearlessly allowed my most intimate inner experience to be brought to the light of day. I knew that it could potentially help liberate my blog family by detailing how what this process looks like. As I realized toward the end of this process that “they” wanted me to expose this, airing out the toxic shame of un love I was feeling in that moment, it actually gave me the courage to go deeper. Knowing it might help even one person release any self hatred and suffering gave me the stamina to stay with the agony until it was complete. I was triggered while on line and thus the whole experience was captured in writing. The process is choppy as at various times I could barely uncurl and type yet I chose not to edit it. What makes it even more extraordinary is that the person supporting me in clearing this anguish and false beliefs is also the person I had the challenge with. He is completely untrained in this process yet was extraordinarily intuitive in helping my dig to the core of this primal wound. The triggering event is very trivial which helps highlight how blind we can be when our false beliefs and pain body are active. This is my deepest wound, the belief that unless someone loves me I am separated from love. I have been actively healing it for a long time. My sense is that this time I went so deep I may have healed it forever.
It begins with me joyously sharing my love for my new friend, even after having just known each other for just a short time. I was shocked by the depth of my feelings for some one with whom I was clear I would never have a romantic interest. I felt compelled to share my true feelings with him to honor my own voice and authenticity. However unique and unusual my feelings were, I felt fabulous speaking my truth and was dancing with joy. (I recognized later that a lot of my exuberance came from my sense of homecoming, of reuniting with my true self. Some of my feelings for him were projections of this awakening self love.) However within a few hours, after he did not say anything specific about how he felt about me, the chasm began to open. I also want to share that it is absolutely clear to me that we had a major soul agreement to help me clear this primal wound. Here it goes...
My part is red
His part is purple
My comments and explanation are very dark green
I am wondering if I made you uncomfortable, telling you that I love you. Reading something about your astrology, if it is true, makes me wonder if it felt good, felt crowding- probably some of everything. I am catching myself feeling a bit attached to your response- noticing this.
(he asked what I was referring to- someone had written on a site we were both following about his astrology)
Astrology information: Your other drive is to keep a distance from people enough, so that you can explore and find more meanings (ideas) that may not be possible in a deep/ conventionally-based/ long-term relationship.
If you go back to where that text is, and you read my reply you'll learn that you got the question a bit wrong. I was already suspecting that this was about that ;)
You should also know, she talks about Aquarius in general. I answered her in truth.
Tell me what you think
(at this point I am already triggered and unable to actually hear anything he says- I am lost and blind, drowning in this ancient wound)
doesn't matter, i must own my own grief, i gave the love so freely with such joy, later attachment to your response came in, now I must process my own grief- it matters to me how you received it; but it matters to me more that it is so difficult for me to love without attachment- i must be with this huge wave of grief that is washing me away in this moment, i must feel it in my body and surrender
So... what does this mean exactly? Are you still in some sort of doubt? I don't know how to interpret this last text.
yes, i am in very much doubt in this moment of everything- nothing is clear to me
If i can do anything,please tell me.
from one moment to the next i believed you didn't care about me, part of me knows it is a lie and another part this demon screams at me it is true, maybe he cares but he doesn't love you because you are not lovable i don't make sense the unloved part of me is trying to destroy me in this moment- it feels so real, like nobody loves me, i know it isn't true but i don't believe it i can't explain it i hurt so bad
Of course it feels real. It's what others taught people like us to think of ourselves our whole life. You know that it is not real. Why would you give room to a demon. Those things their end is nearing. Give him a big kiss and he will pop into smoke.
And if you really thinks that no one loves you, then you should re-read all of your messages all over the TWYH (web site Think With Your Heart.net) and Jenn’s /(www.radharaniblossoming.org) site. Those ARE real, and certainly not coming from demons.
no my grief is a core feeling of self rejection triggered by outer circumstances- i feel it so deeply, such a wound cutting deep into my heart in this moment- i know by letting it have its way with me, i will release it but my god, so many waves in the last days, so many waves... it hurts terribly
yes, It probably is, because i am trying to think what caused this, but nothing comes to mind. I'm sorry you feel like that now. I guess, the waves are really getting at you now.
I hope you won't have to suffer very long. Why don't you go lie down on the bed for a while. You were already tired hours ago, and now this. Put on a candle, some soft music, and go into surrendering. Don't make it linger.
i'll try- the pit is so deep i can't see out
curled up in bed sobbing- so hard for me to trust Love
I know, Savannah, i know, but you will
thank you it is huge feels so much bigger than me i can't see and i can i see an insidious pattern that has kept me limited my whole life- i am desiring to surrender but can't remember how
You are clearing something big time it seems to me. You are not gonna let that pass, now are you?
You've been through much worse, you can have this, yes you can!
Trying to send you some positive energy
It's a good thing you got to the real core of the problem. Smile to the 'monster' You know it's lying.
my god I see more clearly then ever- my love for myself is tied to how much i think others love me- they don't love me, i won't love myself... my god, so insidious
This is indeed probably your biggest trial, yes. I think, when you get through this one...a lot of weight will be gone. Don't fly away now, y'hear?
i'm so scared, thanks for hanging on with me, i am so scared, i don't know how to do this, i feel one year old, this is big, i am sobbing my daughter is home dear god, (I want any excuse to stop this process and prematurely end it as I am terrified)
Your daughter is safe and sound. She can take this, she's smart, and emotions are part of life. You're doing fine. Now go back to yourself with all your attention, and go fully through it.
Go further into it. Venture at your own peace. You don't want to come back another time to finish what you just started, i hope. Take it easy, don't rush and keep your concentration on your breathing in and out.
what hurts so bad is my refusal to love myself, no matter what; i will withdraw my own self love if i can't be sure someone else loves me- that isn't it either, i know my daughter loves me, trying to make sense but i can't it is a monster and it is clawing at me it is trying to destroy me it is lying to me
Okay you are 1 year old now. That's okay. Now see yourself slowly getting older while you keep on saying 'i love myself so much'. Stop at your current age, and try to be still and feel again. Don't focus on any fear.
thank you for this brilliant idea- maybe you should join me or do you know you are loved? (terrified to be alone with it) i will do this- shaking so bad
This is NOW and you got called. Don't think about me now. Don't drift away now. My suffering has yet to come, but it's not now.
(I did the counting till my current age- I experienced deep grief and a slowly bubbling joy and laughter)
Yes, now, subsiding a bit- I started laughing when I got to 38 years old (my friend’s age) and thinking how much further I had to go until I got to my age- got a chuckle, not so intense now, i will survive it
Of course you will (did you really question that? Thought that i was the one who didn't know himself).
Maybe soon we get the possibility to stop aging and getting to look younger again. Enjoy counting numbers, while they still exist ;)
(from here the charge released leaving me feeling depleted yet light - the entire process was about two hours)
The truth is that I knew he reciprocated my feelings- I could feel it in my body yet my primal wound would not allow me to trust my instincts. He held in his power and integrity and refused to rescue me. Had he tried he would have aborted one of the greatest releases of my life. In case you are curious how I feel after this release, I feel as though I woke up from a trance. I laugh at the idea he doesn’t care about me- all his actions and my inner guidance and his later words let me know that was absurd. More importantly it created the space for me to embody a powerful self acceptance and adoration, a feeling of coming home to myself, a profound self cherishing. Since that day, I have experienced a giddy joy and delight in being totally myself, speaking my innermost truth, revealing secrets and releasing toxic shame, delighting in life with a new sense of celebration. In other words, it was all so worth it. This is a whole other blog yet the reason I believe I was so triggered is because of my almost complete certainty that the person this happened with is someone with whom I had a very intimate past life. The strength of my feelings and responses tell me something very unique connects us. Just to clarify, this is definitely not a romantic relationship, rather a heartfelt friendship. Thank you beloved Hein for holding me through this process.